GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

Summary: During an ordinary day in Blood Gulch, a Gate opens and unleashes an army in the tens of thousands. This would be a problem if the invaders weren't medieval fantasy soldiers whose weapons is luck to dent Mark V armor. Features the Reds and Blues kicking fantasy ass, more agents surviving, Good(er) Chairman, Alpha picking up the pieces of Project Freelancer, and much more.

Regular Speak

Thoughts and Flashbacks

Demonic or Animalistic Speak

Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts

You know, it started out like another ordinary day for us. Caboose was yapping on about their failed-quest, not that I believe most of it: I'm fairly sure Andy the Bomb didn't sing with Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, but as I know nothing about extraterrestrials, the alien might have done something LIKE tap-dancing for all I know- or care, which I don't. Tucker was groaning about a stomach ache. Tex wasn't around; apparently, she ran off after another Freelancer named Wyoming. I really hate that condescending asshole. Andy wasn't mad or anything, so no exploding base...that's something. Shelia the tank still had some jealousy issues over not being our only vehicle, but functioning fine otherwise.

Simmons, a Red soldier that recently had been pretending to be a Blue for reasons I'm still not sure of or give a damn about, had finally went home- I spotted him heading to Red Base through the scope. Not sure what the rest of them were up to- that's their business. Doc was still off being possessed by O'Malley, Tex's rogue AI, and still had that Spanish robot's head as far as I knew.

So, there I was, doing my usual thing of keeping a lookout while my team half-assed around...then it appeared.

Excerpt from interview with Special General Leonard "Alpha" Church

"What. The. Flying. Fuckshroom," Church said to himself as he looked towards the middle of the canyon, "Yo! Tucker, Caboose, get your asses up here! We got...something!" He called over the radio

"Real specific, Church!" Tucker's voice responded, "Come on Caboose, you heard him."

"Is it a good something? A bad something? Is it a fluffy something? Is it-" Caboose rambled on, Church turning the coms off before he lost any more brain cells.

"Hey, Andy? You seeing what I'm seeing?" Church asked to the bowling ball-like bomb.

"If ya mean the giant piece of shit gate that looks like some Romans were here last night, then yeah," Andy answered, equally confused from his spot near the teleporter, "...Can I blow it up?"

"Maybe," Church answered cautiously.

"Okay, we're here, what's the big deal?" Tucker asked with a sigh.

"Church! I had a great dream! Little Red Riding Hood beat up a bunch of big scary wolves! She had a weed-whacker gun." Caboose declared loudly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Caboose. Look, we have a UIDHAFCO situation," Church explained sternly.

"A UID-what now?" Tucker asked.

"Unidentified I-Don't-Have-A-Fucking-Clue Object," Church explained, glancing to the gateway in the center of the canyon.

"What the fuck? When did we start using acronyms!?" Tucker asked, looking to the stone monument as well.

"Since I tried to find quicker ways to tell you idiots that I don't care and/or don't know," Church explained in irritation, "And is that REALLY the question to be asking now?"

"Whatever...So, is it a movie prop or something?" Tucker asked.

"A movi- Who the flying hell would shoot a movie in the middle of two conflicting military bases?" Church questioned, glaring through his visor.

"A director that is all about authenticity?" Tucker suggested.

"Maybe it's a Fargate?" Caboose proposed.

"Don't you mean a Stargate?" Tucker asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No. It does not look like a star, but it is far away," Caboose reasoned.

"Enough, both of you," Church said with a sigh, pausing as he heard the radios go on.

"Hey Blues! What in Samhell did you do to the canyon?" Sarge's voice came over the all frequency channel.

"I take it that this isn't your doing, Red?" Church asked in annoyance.

"Oh sure, we just happened to have enough tools and resources to make a giant roman-thingy. Of course we didn't! What do we look like? The Freemasons? The Amish? The...Uh, Chinese, I guess?" Sarge answered, running out of ideas to the end.

"Yeah, could you imagine how much work that would take? I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it," Grif joined in, "In fact..."

"Grif, you just took a nap!" Simmons complained.

"Well, I for one love it! Really adds some appeal to the canyon. Oh, maybe we should go for the full setting and wear togas!" Donut suggested.

"No!/I want a tuba!" Everyone yelled at once.

"Look, enough horseshit!" Church yelled over the line, "We currently have some big old...whatever that is appear out of nowhere and-"


"...The fuck was that?" Church finished as he turned back to the gate.

Out of it flew several helicopter-sized dragons, actual fucking dragons, as a large group of Romanesque soldiers poured out. Blood Gulch was steadily being filled with an army of humans, orcs, pigmen, and who knew what else. Most of the men were on foot, but there were some cavalry. As they exited the gate, they came to an uncertain halt, looking around in confusion as they took in their lackluster destination.

"...Well fuck," Andy summarized after a tense moment.

"Sarge?" Church called after a second.

"Yeah?" Sarge answered warily.

"Truce?" Church offered.

It was in that moment that the commanders of the invasion force noticed that there were two populated bases in the canyon. Without hesitation, they gave the order to charge. With a thunderous roar and the ground shaking beneath them, the army of thousands began to swarm in two directions.

"TRUCE!" Everyone yelled at once.

"We are so screwed!" Tucker and Grif complained in sync.

"Time for that later!" Church cut in, "Sarge, get a message to command! Just say it's an invasion force, they won't believe us otherwise!"

"No dip, Blue! Already on it!" Sarge answered, making the call.

"Shelia! I want you to guard the jeep with suppressing fire while Tucker takes it over to the Reds! Oh, and start firing- now!" Church ordered.

"Firing main cannon!"

The blast of the ninety millimeter round ripped into the medieval forces, causing their advance to halt in stunned awe and horror.

"Tucker, you heard me! Everyone except Caboose, chuck some grenades through the teleporters! Not all at once, we might need them later!" Church ordered, taking advantage of the spare moment, as Tucker ran for the Warthog while another explosion racked the enemy army. This one accompanied with smoke bombs, further confusing and delaying them, "Reds, we're going to keep their attention divided as long as possible! If things get bad, we'll fall back to the caves!"

"How is this not bad already!?" Grif yelled.

"We'll swing by with Donut to get the Motorcycle!" Simmons provided.

"Good- and Donut, start throwing shit! I don't care if it's a grenade or a fucking axe; you're the best arm we got!" Church ordered.

"Aye, Aye, Captain!" Donut saluted, chucking a grenade. By now, the army didn't even bother looking to the explosion, merely pressing forward.

"Sarge, you going to be okay on your own for a few minutes?" Church asked.

"So long as your tanky friend sends a few shots to my half of the army, I should be fine!" Sarge answered gruffly, "Ordering my soldiers..."

"Tucker, help Sarge out while you're there. Make your way back over here if you can, but stay there if you have to!" Church continued.

"On it! Man, I wish your body could still remote this puppy," Tucker bemoaned, wincing at his stomach pain as he drove off.

"Caboose..." Church turned to face the blue soldier directly, only to see his head was lowered, "Caboose?" He asked in concern.

"Church...I think I know what I have to do," Caboose said with an oddly calm yet happy voice…almost bittersweet.

"...Go for it," Church acknowledged, a bit weirded out but oddly confident for once in this moron.

"Okay! I just...need to...get...ANGRY!" Caboose grunted in great strain, "Spikey kittens! Burnt toast! Sugar-free candy! Tucker eating the last bowl of Ice CREEEEEEEEEAM!" Caboose roared, jumping off the base, starring down the approaching army, "I am Michael Jay Caboose and I. Hate. PASTA!" He declared, charging forth.

"That was disturbing," Church commented in bewilderment.

"Hey, what about me? Am I chopped liver over here?!" Andy asked in irritation.

"You're the last resort- If things get to ultra-fucked-we're-going-to-die-here levels, you're taking them with us," Church answered as he lined up his scope, "Don't know why I bother, not like I ever hit anything," He grumbled as he spied what looked like an enemy commander on horseback...


When they arrived, to say the Imperial Invasion forces were confused would be an understatement.

"The Gate is unpredictable, but I thought we would be near somewhere more populated," The commander commented, his horse trotting along as the forces quickly exited the gate, finding themselves in a place with high, natural walls of rocks and little vegetation.

"Perhaps this, like Alnus Hill, is a sacred place, Sir?" His second-in-commanded suggested calmly.

"Perhaps. Still..." He said with a sense of unease.

"Sir!" A dragon-rider called, having his aerial mount hover closer to the ground, "We've spotted two structures, one on either side of the canyon! They're small but some dwell within them," He informed.

"Lookouts?" The second in commander asked.

"Or shrines perhaps. Either way, they shall make be our first step in this realm. You lead half the army that way and I shall take the other," The commander declared with a determined scowl, drawing his sword, "Soldiers! In the name of the Empire and Emperor Molt Sol Augustus, we take these lands! Charge!" He declared, the divisions splitting cleanly to take on the two fronts.

They didn't make it ten steps before a sound of roaring thunder echoed across the stone walls, shaking the earth as the screams of soldiers reached his ears, "What was that?! Cloudless Lightning?! What sorcery is this?" The commander said in shock, trying to see the injured, but the crowd and smoke left it impossible. Another crack of doom erupted, sending more soldiers flying.

"Sir, look there! They come from some sort of beast!" A nearby soldier yelled, pointing to a strange, armored creature. It almost looked like a scorpion, with a tail hurling great attacks from it like a great drake might.

"All the better, a beast can be slain! Push on! Push on! Charge forth and kill that monster! Archers, take aim and fire!" The commander ordered, pointing to the Scorpion-dragon, as he mentally dubbed it and giving his men a target.

They were shocked again as another set of explosions of fire and smoke erupted, these much closer to the center of the canyon. The warriors didn't stay stunned this time, though, slowing only to get through the thick smoke they were now in.

"If this is a mere outpost, they were very prepared for war," The commander commented, spying the structure. It was very simple, but stood out in the landscape and honestly did make him think of a temple of sorts. Atop it, he could spy two human-like beings. He believed they were clad in armor that covered everything, but the distance might be tricking his mind. One was a dark blue and the other shaded more like the sky. Strangely, they just seemed to be observing them.

He blinked as he spied something moving towards the army; another armored beast, but this was much smaller than the Scorpion-dragon and it was mounted by a green soldier. It had tusks like a mighty boar, but its speedy yet bulky form was more like that of a great lion. And...was that some kind of crossbow or ballista on its back?!

It was heading towards the far right of his half of the army. Perhaps trying to flank them? Or aide the other base, perhaps. The front troops nearest the Boar-Lion lined up a defensive wall, hoping to halt the creature's charge as arrows began to rain on it.

To the awe and horror of the commander, not only did the projectiles harm neither stead nor rider, but the Tusked-Cat slammed right through the wall of warriors, crushing them and those behind underfoot before riding into the open area to the far right of the army. A pigman tried to jump in the way of the armored war beast, only for it to very agilely side step it. The humanoid swine collapsed with a strange cut-like wound on that went from its front and then around its side to its back in a straight line. And yet, the injury did not bleed even as the body lay dead.

"What manner of beast are these?!" A soldier yelled in disbelief as the Boar-Lion rode off to the other side of the canyon.

"Sir, a lone enemy is charging up the center!" Another warned, seeing a blue metal-man charging straight towards them with a strange black object in his hands.

The commander didn't even have a chance to give the order before the enemy made impact with the shields, all coming to a halt with a resounding and vibrating thud, "A suicide attack?" The commander questioned, only to go wide eyed as he saw the blue metal-man pry two shields away from each other with his bare hands. If they understood him, the soldiers might have been confused by the line of 'The Pizza is a slice of your pain!' before he literally ripped the two shields away, sending the stunned wielders flying with them. Around him, snapped spears lay useless, having not even scratched his body.

"Berserker!" A spearman yelled in fear, staring into the reflective golden surface where a human's eyes would be.

Without hesitation, the Metal-Man jumped at his adversaries, his fists beating them with ominous snaps and it looked as if he was stabbing them with an invisible blade on his strange weapon, soldiers falling with blood pouring from small yet deep wounds.

"What...what is this?" The commander as he looked up towards the enemy base...and felt his heart explode in his chest as he went tumbling off his horse. The last thing he saw was that lone enemy remaining at the base, pointing his long weapon at him, 'Are these...Gods?' The commander wondered in his last instant, dead before he hit the ground.


"...HOLY SHIT, I ACTUALLY HIT SOMEONE!" Church yelled in amazement, joy, pride, accomplishment, and disbelief.

"Were you aiming for him?" Andy asked skeptically.

"Fuck yeah I was! Wait, was it a fluke?" Church said, still giddy as he lined up a second shot, "Don't be a fluke, don't be a fluke, don't be a fluke," He chanted, firing and hitting a soldier behind Caboose in the back of the head, "Hell Yeah MotherFuckers!"

"Wow, what the hell?" Andy questioned, but was otherwise ignored.

"Hey, Tucker! Tucker!" Church called over the radio.

"Little busy here, Church!" Tucker answered, "Ow, you asshole!" He yelled at the soldier that tried to swing a metal sword at his wrist. It bounced off his arm, but seemed to hurt more than it actually did.

If he looked, Tucker would have seen this specific soldier staring between his blade and the driver in numb shock.

He just "had" to try taking a shortcut by running over a few more soldiers. Now he was trying to shoot the big and ugly orc-things that were holding onto the tailgate. The soldiers around him were trying to stab at him and the warthog with their swords and other weapons, but his armor and the jeep were both designed to take a good deal of firearm punishment and even a little from energy weapons, and that was without energy shielding. They were doing little better than denting it as it was. Though, the bigger not-human things might be able to break something, but Tucker didn't want to test that.

"Tucker, I shot someone! With the sniper rifle!" Church yelled excitedly, waving his rifle in the air, an arrow bouncing off the butt of it, "Hey, watch the paint job!"

Tucker didn't hear that last part, actually, taking the time to look at Church at the clear other side of the canyon, "S-seriously?" He asked, in a voice between stunned and disbelief, not even flinching as a sword bounced off his back, prompting the teal trooper to slice his energy sword in a wide arc, cutting off a lot of heads and arms without fully realizing it. The medieval soldiers backed away in shock as their comrades died or fell to the ground in agony and disbelief.

Church just smirk as he lined up his scope again, seeing two large blue humanoid holding onto the warthog; with two clicks, they were both down.

Tucker quickly sat down and hit the gas, rocketing through the soldiers again, "Where the FUCKNUTS was that skill during this entire war?!" He yelled as he made it out of the army, skidding in front of a half surrounded Red base. The soldiers were trying to use their shields for protection as they marched forward, but it was getting them nowhere as they were littered with bullets and explosives, keeping them from advancing too quickly.

"Here's your jeep!" Tucker called as he pulled up in the back.

"Wow," Grif said as he saw it, "Good news, Sarge! We don't need to paint the Warthog red!" He yelled, jumping down into the driver's seat while Simmons jumped on the turret.

"At least not the bottom half...or three-quarters," Simmons mused.

Tucker paused to look at the vehicle, seeing that it was three-fourths covered in blood, bits of guts and gore grinded into the tires.

"Donut, come on!" Simmons called impatiently, prepping the gun.

"Coming!" The pink soldier answered, running down the ramp, "Just had to pop one in that big guy's face!"

"..." Simmons and Grif glanced at Tucker briefly.

"Oh hell no, not for that!" Tucker declared in slight disgust. While not a homophobe, he still did not like the image himself in such a situation.

"Whatever, just keep Sarge alive!" Grif yelled as they rolled off, "Never thought I'd say that..."

Tucker shook his head as he headed up the ramp. He paused, placing one hand on the concrete wall then another on his stomach. He closed his eyes in pain as his insides felt like they were on fire. After a second to catch his breath, it passed, 'Fuck me for getting sick now of all times!' He mused as he came up to the top.

"Hey Blue, took you long enough!" Sarge yelled, firing off his shot gun. While not very accurate at this range, it did hit a lot of targets in a mass this big, maiming and killing anyone unlucky to get hit by a pellet, "Thought maybe that Blue Poison I sprayed actually worked."

Tucker ignored him as he walked up and gulped. There was a line of soldiers just past the front of the base, shields locked in front and overhead, obviously trying to hold off everything the Reds had sent at them…that wasn't the concerning part though.

The army was still pouring out of that damned gate! There were tens of thousands of them! On the other hand, they were insanely easy for them to kill. As demonstrated by Grif plowing over soldiers near the base while Simmons mowed them down with the machine gun, yelling phrases such as "Suck it Romani!" and "Eat Plumbum!"

"...Goddamn that's a lot of them," Tucker murmured, he and Sarge switching to their assault rifles.

"Why do you think I wanted a truce with you dirty blues? Even if Grif could suddenly become the best soldier in the galaxy, there are just too many out-of-place jackals for us to show the proper welcome to on our lonesome," Sarge responded in an almost good-natured tone, "Simmons, Grif! After you drop Donut off, circle the Jeep around the sides of the enemy. Take out as many as you can and for the love of God, don't blow a tire! I have to buy those in sets of four!" Sarge yelled over the radio.

"Roger that! Simmons, keep an eye on the big ones!" Grif sounded off as they rolled away.

"Okay Blue, they're clearing out, mind with that assist now?" Sarge asked as he stared out into the army.

"Not sure how much help I'll be," Tucker commented.

"Wasn't talking to you, Swordboy," Sarge said with a smirk to the teal soldier's confusion.

"Copy that, Sarge," Church sounded off with a smirk of his own, "Shelia! The jeep is clear; give them a few good shots!"

"Complying. Locating new target area," Shelia acknowledged in a monotone as her gun raised and re-angled itself, "Firing main cannon."

"Woohoo!" Tucker cheered as the entire front line was knocked to the ground while those behind them were thrown forward by the angle of the shell's impact, creating a human-domino effect. He and Sarge shared a look before they opened fire on the dazed soldiers.

It was at this point that the army did what leaderless armed forces often when did standing right before an enemy; they charged.

"Caboose, get your ass back up here!" Church, throwing a grenade while yelling to the now-savage moron, who had just punched a man so hard his neck broke.

"Hmm?" Caboose answered, turning to Church's direction, seeing the primitively armed humans running to the base, "HEY! That's Blue Base, not Spartan Base!" Caboose yelled as he ran toward his base and home, shooting and bulldozing enemies in his way.

He didn't notice the axe wielding ghoul lunging from behind him. Nor did he have to as the Warthog slammed into it with Simmons peppering the soldiers behind the, at best, single-minded Blue trooper.

Said trooper lifted his gun as a pigman tried to get in his way with a large sword raised, "Time to roast you into bacon, Piggy!" Caboose declared, firing into its chest and head, making it squeal as it tumbled back, dying. Church gapped as Caboose jumped on the stomach of the still-falling creature, ran up to the mess of a head and jumped up onto the base, "Hey Church!" Caboose greeted normally.

"W-what the hell, Caboose!? Since when are you badass!?" Church asked in disbelief, taking this moment to take in the sight of Caboose covered in a lot of red blood, mostly on the arms and legs.

"Oh that. Yeah, kids use to hide things from me in high places back at school. So I had to learn to jump very high," Caboose elaborated simply, "It was fun, when I didn't fall out of the tree. Should I go back to being mad now?"

"Ummm, yeah, that'd be a good idea," Church answered awkwardly, "Just-"

"Kay, I know what to do!" Caboose declared, running to one of the ramps and jumping off of it, crashing into some unfortunate warriors as he landed. He reached down, pulling up one particularly scared otherworlder by his shirt, "I shall drink your fears and pee out your dreams!" Caboose declared in his "mean voice" before tossing the man back, impaling him on some of his comrades' spears. Without hesitation, he started unloading his rifle.

Church looked from Caboose's location, to the horde of soldiers in the canyon, then to the other ramp. He sighed as he saw more enemies were coming up for him to fight, "I need to make a phone call."

End of Chapter

Well, there's the first chapter. Not much say. The Empire's army showed up and are being wrecked by 26th century technology. Now, I have checked and, as far as I can tell, it is fairly impossible for roman-esque soldiers to get through the armor in Halo- they literally weigh half-a-ton and there's titanium in the freaking bodysuits! The dragons, balisitas, ogres, etc? They MIGHT be able to do some true damage, but the weaponry and vehicles often make them a nullfactor.

So, seven space soldiers and one scorpian tank agaisnt 60,000 Medival fantasy troops. If the JSDF could curbstomp them, then the Blood Gulchers could slauhter them.

And yes, Church can shoot now. I will explain that another time.

BTW, this takes place during Out of Mind, after Simmons went back to Red team, before Sister showed up, after the Quest, and obviously before Junior. So, that should give you all a good place in the time line.

Until next time, enjoy the Kickassness.