Delusions of Pandeur -A One-Shot/Flash Fic Archive
General Overview: This is a place for me to dump all of the various amounts of unfinished/cracky/ridiculous stories I've started/worked on/finished/vomited up over the past few months - either on Reddit, on Spacebattles, or on Tumblr. They're all pretty short - none are really over 1000 words - but they vary from being complete and utter crack to sometimes angsty and hashtag deep. But I have a bunch of them that most people probably haven't seen, and I want them all in once place, so here we go!
I'm going to start each chapter with a small description (because these are all individual one-shots). Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!
Table of Contents: So you don't have to go digging through each chapter to find the fic that interests you.
Chapter 1 (This chapter): In Which Kakuzu Tries to Attack Hashirama
Chapter 2: In Which Hiruzen Learns Danzo's Most Accidental Secret
Chapter 3: In Which Naruto Discovers Daytime Television
Chapter 4: In Which Orochimaru Makes out With an Erlenmeyer Flask
Chapter 5: In Which Itachi Makes a Choice
Chapter 6: In Which Endo Writes the Very First Naruto x Seinfeld Crossover
Chapter 7: In Which Kakashi Nearly Goes Full Itachi
Chapter 8: In Which Tobirama Runs for President
Chapter 9: In Which Sakura Gives Up
Chapter 10: In Which Patronizing Hashirama Makes a Triumphant Return
FIC THE FIRST
In Which Kakuzu Tries to Attack Hashirama
Description: Sand refused the Seven-Tails in favor of more fertile land. Hashirama ended up gifting it to Waterfall after they sent Kakuzu to try and assassinate him.
Presumably he was disappointed with the effort.
"Did... did you just try to attack me? In the middle of my office?" Hashirama looked over his smoldering newspaper at the befuddled man standing across the room from him.
"Uhh... yes?"
He set the paper down, a sad frown on his face. "Oh... Oh, you poor thing."
"E-excuse me?"
"Is the Hidden Waterfall really that desperate? I... I had no idea..."
Kakuzu blinked. "I don't... understand... Wait, are you crying?"
"You poor, poor thing!" Hashirama wailed. "To be forced to attack me, Hashirama Senju! And it was such... such a pitiful attempt, too! Is that really the best you can do?" He frowned at the Waterfall nin, a look of genuine concern on his face, tears still streaming down his cheeks.
"You were supposed to die!" Kakuzu snarled, both confused and slightly disturbed. "That jutsu was flawless!"
Hashirama just shook his head slowly, like a parent who caught his child lying. "Oh. Oh my. I had no idea it was so bad there." He reached into his desk drawer, pulling out a small scroll with the number '7' printed across the label.
He rose to his feet and made his way across the room. Kakuzu just froze, not entirely sure what was about to happen.
When he felt the scroll pressed into his hands, he jumped.
"Here," Hashirama smiled. "You need this more than I do." Then, he wrapped his arms around the man in a tight hug. "You poor, poor thing."
Kakuzu shook, absolutely livid. "Are... are you patronizing me?" He snuck a glance at the scroll now in his hands, and his eyes widened. "Did you... did you just give me a tailed beast?! What do you think I am, a child?! I'm immortal, for fuck's sake!"
Hashirama just 'aww'ed, and patted the man on the back of the head. "Of course. Of course you are. You're nice and strong and immortal. And I'm very proud of you."