A/N: SERIOUSLY, READ THIS PART!
Okay, now that I have your attention, I want to tell people that this fanfiction is primarily three things. One, it is not meant for the average SAO fan- if you have not read the Toa of Aincrad or the Slayer of Aincrad, don't read this, because it won't be any good to you. Two, this is not meant to be taken read like a regular story, unlike most of my other works. Three, it's an experiment. That's right, I don't know of anyone else on this site that has made an abridged version of their own work, but I was watching SAO Abridged and SAO in five minutes or less, and I was struck by the urge to try and make my well-received Red Swordsman series into an abridged parody type of chapter.
All that being said, if you have read the afore mentioned stories, please enjoy this short (and hopefully funny) version of the Red Swordsman, Aincrad arc. Depending on how well this first one is received, I may do more. Please be nice with the reviews as I have never tried doing anything like this before, and I know it's probably is less than what you are expecting.
Now, go on and laugh- either at my weird humor, or at the fact that I tried to pull this off :P
The Red Swordsman Abridged
"Hey man, wanna join a party?" Kirito asked the stranger in red as the boss raid party dissolved to go drinking.
"You already have a teammate," he replied.
"Yeah, but I feel like less people will die if you join," Kirito answered.
"Maybe, but I kinda hate everyone and everything," the other boy replied. "So maybe joining you guys will be a bad idea."
"Or it could help you get over whatever emotional trauma you're obviously suffering from," Kirito countered. "And then maybe you'll see that life isn't so bad."
Mataras sighed and said, "Just send me the bloody invite already."
"Okay everyone!" Diabel called out as they stood before the boss' throne room. "Two thousand people have already died in this game! So our job is to beat the boss and not die!"
"Okay, that's the last sentinel," Kirito grinned. "Good work, team!"
"Hey, is Diabel gonna fight the boss on his own?" Asuna asked as the blue-haired man charged at the giant red monster.
"He's trying to steal the last attack bonus!" Kirito shouted. "Doesn't he know I'm the main character?!"
"Hey look, it's Leroy Jenkins," Mataras interjected as Diabel went flying from a sword attack courtesy of the boss monster. "Huh. Who would've seen that coming?"
"Mataras, help me!" Kirito shouted as he cradled Diabel.
"Sorry, can't do that. I still hate everything," Mataras shrugged.
"You're just gonna let him die?!" Asuna shouted.
"Hey, I'm not the one with the health potion," Mataras said as he pointed at Kirito, who was trying to force Diabel to drink one.
"This is the end…" he croaked.
"Drink the potion," Kirito insisted.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more…"
"Drink the potion!" Kirito shouted.
"Just tell my family I love them," Diabel said before he shattered.
"Why didn't he take the potion?!" Kirito shouted.
"Hey, who would've seen that coming?" Mataras rolled his eyes.
"You're a jerk!" Asuna spat.
"I have been called worse. By the way, boss is coming this way." He moved to attack with Kirito, and moments later, the boss died.
The crowd cheered for them until Kibaou started throwing a hissy fit and blamed Kirito for Diabel's death.
"Can I kill him?" Mataras asked.
"No," Asuna sighed.
"No." Agil shook his head.
"… Pretty please?"
"No!" Asuna shouted.
"Can I at least threaten him a little?" Mataras begged.
"Fine," Asuna groaned.
Suddenly Mataras was in front of Kibaou and pointing his sword at his neck. "Hi, I'm Mataras," he said. "And from now on, if I hate you, I kill you. Later." And he turned around and walked away with Kirito.
"Hey guys, wanna join our guild?" Keita asked the two boys over dinner.
"Sure!" Kirito grinned.
"Nah," Mataras shook his head.
"Come on man," his partner begged.
"No!" he shouted.
"Please?" a soft-spoken girl with dark blue hair asked.
"N- Okay, fine," the boy said in defeat.
"Just like that?" Kirito demanded. "What gives?!"
"So Mataras, why did you change your mind?" Sachi asked the brooding swordsman.
"You remind me of my si- siiiiis… Sissst-"
"Are you okay?" Sachi asked worriedly.
"Panic attack!" Mataras fainted.
"How did three kids get so overpowered?!" Rosalia screamed in shock.
"Pfft, we're not overpowered," Mataras snorted. Then he remembered how despite every member in Titan's Hand attacked them, he and Kirito still stood at one hundred percent HP. "Okay, maybe we're a little OP."
"Who are you people?" one man asked.
"I'm the Black Swordsman," Kirito grinned.
"And I'm the Red Swordsman," Mataras added. "And now Ima kill all of you."
"Mataras, that's not what we were hired for," Sachi told him.
"That's not what I was told!"
"Mataras, there's a kid watching!" Kirito reminded him, pointing at a very scared Silica.
"And?" the red-clothed warrior demanded. "She's probably seen more violent stuff on YouTube!"
"She's thirteen!" Kirito protested.
"This is the twenty-first century!" Mataras shot back. "Kids today see the movie '300' when they're ten! Besides, this game doesn't even have blood in it!"
"I hate you sometimes."
"So why did you save me?" Sachi asked Mataras. "I think we can talk about, seeing as we think of each other as siblings now."
"Oh, yeah," Mataras nodded. "I had a little sister who was brutally murdered in front of me. You remind me of her."
"Whoa…" Sachi said with wide eyes. "Guess that explains why you hate everything."
"No, I was just born that way," Mataras grinned. "But I guess Victoria dying made it a little more noticeable. Anyways, glad we had this talk, we should do it again sometime!"
"Starburst Stream!" Kirito shouted as he charged at the Minotaur boss with his two swords in hand.
"He can use two swords?!" Asuna gaped.
"Yup, and guess what?" Mataras said as he closed his menu. "I'm a Super Saiy- I mean, er, a wielder of Dragon Blood! I'm not bound the game's laws of physics!"
"So… a Dragon Saiyan, then?" Klein asked.
"Something like that," Mataras admitted.
"Hey man, who do you think would be good girlfriend material?" Kirito asked Mataras over lunch one day.
"Are you kidding?" the Red Swordsman scoffed. "You could ask Asuna to spend the night and she'd go buy some new lingerie just for you."
"You really think so?" Kirito asked, eyes wide.
"Hey, if you like it, put a ring on it," Mataras said, eyes suddenly blazing silver.
"Right!" Kirito nodded as he stood up to go. "Priorities."
"Commander, I want to leave and get married to Kirito," Asuna said to Heathcliff.
"Well, that's all well and good, but I'd rather the Cats join the guild instead of you leaving," the leader of the KOB said. "What say you?"
"Ima kill him," Mataras declared.
"No!" his team shouted.
"You guys are no fun," he frowned. "Can we at least fight him?"
"Sure!" Heathcliff agreed. "Three on three?"
"Yes!" Mataras cheered.
"How did you lose?" Mataras asked Kirito.
"Hacks," Kirito answered. "Pretty sure he used hacks."
"But who could hack this world?" Mataras asked. "Unless it was-"
"Wait!" Sachi cried. "We can't tell people who it is yet!"
"Why not?" Asuna asked.
"Because then the final battle won't be as emotionally charged for the viewers! The whole thing comes apart!"
"Fine, can we do it after I kill this next guy?" Mataras sighed.
"You're not allowed to kill him, and I'm scripted to make the big reveal," Kirito said.
"That's what you think!"
"So we won, Asuna's joining the new Moonlit Black Cats, and we're getting married," Kirito said as they walked in a forest. "Any objections?"
"Nope!" Mataras and Sachi chorused.
"I do!" a nasally voice called out. A pair of Laughing Coffin members jumped out, and Mataras cut them in half.
"Like I said, no objections," Mataras grinned.
"So Asuna and Kirito got married, huh?" Sachi asked. "When did that start to happen?"
"During the two years that wasn't covered in the show," Mataras answered as he opened up a message. "Oh hey, he's already got something he can't handle on his own. Let's go take care of it."
"Uncle!" Yui said happily.
"NO!" the Red Swordsman screamed as he fled for the hills.
"Uh… What?" Kirito asked.
"He's afraid of little kids," Sachi sighed.
"So he does have a weakness!" Asuna laughed. "Serves him right!"
"She lost her memory?" Mataras asked. "Man that sucks. I wonder what it would be like if I lost my memory?"
"Well, people can find out if they read Dragon Roar, you know," Sachi said.
"Oh yeah- almost forgot about that," Mataras nodded.
"Can we get back to helping Yui?" Kirito asked.
"Sure," Sachi nodded.
"NO!" Mataras screamed.
"Well, we somehow ended up helping the Aincrad Liberation Force instead of your daughter," Mataras sighed. "What gives?"
"I dunno, ask Reki Kawahara," Kirito replied.
"Look guys, a Shinigami!" Asuna called out as a massive Grim Reaper appeared in the hallway.
"Oh, hey Ryuk, what's up?" Mataras asked. "Did you drop your Death Note around here?" The monster responded by scattering them like leaves. "Guess so…"
"Hacks Mode: on!" Yui shouted right before she summoned a massive blade of fire and tossed it to Mataras. "Do your thing, Uncle!"
"I like this kid now," he grinned. "Can I kill it?"
"Why are you-" Kirito started to ask before Mataras cut it in half and burned it to a crisp.
"Ima kill it," he said.
"You already did," Sachi rolled her eyes.
"I know- I just like saying it."
"Heathcliff!" Mataras shouted so Kirito could stab him from behind. A purple hexagon appeared and blocked his attack.
"I knew it!" Kirito crowed. "I called hacks!"
"What are you talking about?" Heathcliff demanded.
"Obviously no one but the real bad guy could ever beat me at this game," Kirito said to explain the situation to everyone. "Ever heard of plot armor, Akihiko Kayaba?"
"I commend you for discovering the truth," Heathcliff said seriously. "Now one of you will fight me!"
"Okay, Mataras you can-"
"Nah," he sniffed.
"Why not?!" Everyone shouted at him.
"I don't hate everyone anymore," he answered.
"What?!" Kirito asked. "How- Why?! Whatever. Heathcliff, let's go."
Kirito tried to use the Eclipse, but Heathcliff managed to block and was about to cut his opponent in half when Mataras took the hit for his friend, blocking the sword and surprising Heathcliff into staying still for few seconds.
"Why?!" Kirito asked.
"Because… I don't… hate all of you," Mataras said before he shattered.
"What the virtual hell was tha-!" Heathcliff's question was cut off as he was stabbed by both Sachi and Kirito. "What…? I don't understand…"
"GeeGee-no-ree," Kirito replied. Heathcliff shattered and the game was cleared.
"So, why did you trap ten thousand people in this place?" Mataras asked.
"I forgot," Kayaba shrugged as he walked away. "Something to do with a childhood dream in grade school, I think." Then he was gone.
"I hate him," Mataras growled.
"We all love you, Mataras," Sachi said as she hugged her brother good-bye.
"See you all on the other side someday," he grinned. Then the world went white, and they all dissolved.
Mataras opened his eyes to see a hospital room and realize that not only was he back in the real world and not in heaven with his family, his body was so weak he couldn't fight anybody like he used to.
"I. Hate. Everything. …Again."
Mataras: Okay, so that was new...
Kirito: Care to explain why you did this?
Mataras: Eh, I felt like I wanted to experiment a little with my writing, and this was the result.
Sachi: I think it was actually funny enough- I'm sure some of your readers will like it! And who knows, maybe some of the people that read the AN above will go check out your other stories, so they can read this once they come back.
Mataras: Huh- maybe so. Yeah, that would be kind of cool.
Asuna: Any announcements you wanna make before we have to go?
Mataras: Ah, yes. To those of you that have been wondering why my chapters take so long, allow me to explain. One, I am working on three stories currently ongoing on this site, my second novel, and the Red Swordsman: Shattered Fragment, which I will release upon the completion of Fire Sword (so hopefully late Fall). Also, I have a secret project- being written in collaboration with JoshthePoser and Matarasisbae- which I plan to release at the beginning of next year. I will release details as the time draws closer- right now all you need to know is that the effort I'm putting into making this new story is like if I went Super Saiyan to write the first Star Sword, and the amount of effort this one takes is going to be like going Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan (seriously, they need a better name for that). Also, I have two jobs, so that kinda cuts down on my writing time unfortunately, but hey, if I want to get married, I gotta have them savings in time!
Kirito: Man, I'd hate to be that busy!
Mataras: Oh, don't get me started. Having six stories going on in your head at the same time can be painful.
Sachi: Well, with all that being said, we hope you enjoyed this little experiment of my brother's, and we hope you return for more soon!
Kirito: Later, guys!
Mataras: Red Swordsman, signing off.