A/N: Been a while since I exercised my funny bone, so hopefully this gets a few laughs out of you guys. If you didn't read the Red Swordsman: Toa of Aincrad, go read that first, or else this is going to be a whole lot of nonsense to you.
Enjoy, and please be sure to leave a review!
The Toa of Aincrad Abridged- Part One
"Wake up, there's a ragout rabbit on your head!" Michael shouted at Kazuto, who remained trapped in slumber with his NerveGear still on his head in a hospital. "Darn, I was hoping that would work this time…"
After making his way over to Asuna's hospital, he found that she too, remained asleep, despite gaining his freedom from SAO. "Wake up!" he shouted. "Kirito and I want sandwiches!" The sleeping girl did nothing but continue to sleep, much to the disappointment of Michael. "Blast, I thought that might make her mad enough to wake up…"
"Are we in at a bad time?" Asuna's father asked as he and a younger man walked in.
"No, sorry about that," Michael apologized. "I just worry about her."
"I do too," her father sighed.
"Since we all worry about her, why don't we hurry along with the wedding plans?" the young man asked eagerly.
"Sure, might as well," Mr. Yuuki shrugged. "It's not like she utterly despises you, Sugou. I'm sure that when she wakes up, she'll be very happy to see you waiting for her." And then he left to go make preparations.
"I know that you and Asuna were close comrades," Sugou said as he turned back to Michael, who had a very stoic expression on his face. "So I imagine that our engagement will come as a huge disappointment to you."
"Oh no," Michael shook his head. "You just made my year."
"I haven't gotten to kill any bad guys since SAO ended," he smiled wolfishly. "And I think that I may be getting rusty without practice- you'll be good as a test subject, I think."
"You wouldn't," Sugou said, paling slightly.
In response, Michael grabbed him by the throat and threw him against the wall. "I'll be sure to send an RSVP for the wedding, signed in your blood," he smiled as he walked out. "Later."
"Okay, now how do I wake up Kirito and Asuna before I need to kill that guy…?" Michael mused. "I really want to, but I don't think Asuna and Kirito would like it very much if I did…" An email notification popped up on his desktop, and he clicked it curiously. His interest was doubled when he saw that it was from Agil. His interest became a compulsion when he saw a picture of Asuna and Kirito in a game.
"You have got to be kidding me!"
"Have you heard of this new game?" Agil asked as Michael and Sayuri sat down at his bar. "Element Six Online?"
"Looks stupid," Michael replied as he looked the game over.
"It might be fun, but what about Asuna and Kirito?" Sayuri asked.
"They might be in there," Andrew answered.
"Well, if we have to go in, I- Holy crap, you can spam fire blasts in this game?!" Michael exclaimed, suddenly standing up straight. "I am on this!"
"Wait, what's your strategy to rescue Asuna and Kirito?" Andrew asked.
"Easy, kill everyone in my path until someone talks," Michael said causally.
"Michael!" Sayuri said disapprovingly.
"What?" he asked innocently. "There's a tournament coming up, and I think it would do me some good!"
"That, and the winner gets to go on a quest that might lead you to the other Cats," Andrew added.
"And I get to kill things?" Michael asked hopefully.
"You're a terrible person sometimes," Sayuri sighed.
"And really good at what I do," Michael smirked.
"You sure you wanna go back into a VR?" Suguha asked.
"Try and stop me," Michael grinned.
"Well, if I can't stop you, I'll help you," the girl insisted.
"How can you help us?" Sayuri asked.
"I play video games now," Suguha replied. "Specifically, ESO."
"Elder Scrolls Online?" Sayuri asked.
"No, Element Six Online," Suguha frowned. "Elder Scrolls is for crazy Nordic nerds."
"Bawlin', let's do this," Michael said as he raced up to set up the game.
"Welcome to Element Six Online," a friendly computer voice said as Michael waited to set his avatar. "Would you like to-"
"Skip to the part where I get to kill stuff!" he demanded.
"Skipping," the system replied.
Mataras found himself in the middle of a swamp, dressed in some basic red armor with a fiery sword, and with nothing to kill within the immediate vicinity. "Son of a-! That stupid setup guide put me in the most boring place in the stupid game!" Mataras shouted angrily. "What do I kill now?!"
"Maybe you should try going somewhere else," a red Av-Matoran said flatly.
"Oh yeah?!" Mataras shot back. "Maybe I should start with you!" Then he paused. "Wait, who are you? Why are you here?"
"Long story short, I'm Litrosh, I used to be your dragon, Kayaba converted my code so that I could go with you, and now I'm here," he said quickly. "Also, Yui is in your inventory."
"Did you go through my stuff?" Mataras demanded.
"Please," Litrosh sniffed. "I go through everybody's stuff."
"Hi, Uncle!" Yui said happily as she popped out of his inventory, this time taking on the form of a blue Av-Matoran.
"NO!" Mataras screamed as he ran away into the jungle.
"Is he still doing that?" Yui wondered.
"Apparently," Litrosh sighed. "Come on. We'd better make sure he doesn't blow up half the forest."
Mataras found himself staring down three red-armored players, all of them pointing weapons at three female players, and he couldn't help but smile. "This is going to be a very fun game, I can already tell," he said happily.
"What are you-" Mataras blasted them all into pieces before the leader could finish talking.
"Ah… that's much better," he said as he turned to face the girls he had rescued. "Anyone else wanna fight me?"
"Brother, you're liking this a little too much," said one in blue armor.
"Oh, hey Sachi," he said with a small wave.
"Aunt Sachi!" Yui called out as she ran up to hug the blue-armored Toa.
"Hey there!" the older girl said as she hugged her niece back. "Did your uncle leave you behind?"
"Uh-huh, it was kinda funny," Yui giggled.
"I am not funny!" Mataras protested.
"Yeah, I'll second that," said another of the players, this one dressed in white armor.
"Say that to my face!" Mataras growled as he stared her down.
"I'll say it to your ass after I've kicked it into the dirt!" she shot back.
"You wanna go?!" Mataras shouted. "I'm not afraid to hit a girl!"
"Wanna see me hit like a girl?" she challenged as she pulled up a crossbow and aimed it at his head.
"Sinon, play nice!" said the last player, a girl in green armor. "Mataras, I'm Leafa, Kazuto's sister. Since I assume you remember who I am, I'll ask that you please be nice to my friend here."
Mataras clicked on who she was, but of course it didn't matter. "Nice to meet you, Leafa. Now if you'll excuse me, the big kids are talking."
"Tell me he's going to fight in the tournament," Sinon growled.
"He is," Sachi nodded.
"Guess I can hold off on killing him until then," the sniper shrugged.
"Not me!" Mataras exclaimed, right before Sachi slapped him across the mask.
"Behave!" she ordered.
"Yes ma'am…" he said sheepishly.
"Give me the things," Mataras said to the shopkeeper.
"No," he shook his head.
"Give me the things," Mataras repeated.
"Get out of my shop," the other Toa replied.
"Leafa?" Mataras said, low on patience.
"Please make all of our lives bearable and give him the things," Leafa sighed.
"Or what, he'll get mad?" her friend chuckled.
"Oh no, I don't get mad," Mataras smiled charmingly. Then he grabbed the shopkeeper by the mask and growled, "I have fire to do that for me."
The trader blinked once before saying, "I'll get the things."
"Okay, all armed and licensed to kill," Mataras said as he finished equipping his new armor. "This game actually has some good weapons in it."
"You practically bought an armory!" Leafa said as he checked his missile launcher, dart launcher, massive sword, giant claw, and flight equipment. "Why do you need that much stuff?!"
"You know what they say about guys compensating…" Sinon smirked.
"You know what they say about girls that-"
"Bro," Sachi said as she put a hand over his mouth. "Lemme do you a solid and remind you that all of your current teammates are, in fact, girls. So before you say anything that you think is cute, stop, think about what you're going to say, and then don't say it."
"You never used to be this gutsy," he complained. "My job was easier in SAO."
"Guess I spent too much time around you," she replied with a sweet smile.
"Hi!" said a thin Toa of Earth as the gang regathered after registering for the tournament. "I'm not important in any way! None whatsoever…."
"Cool story, bro," Mataras said as he shouldered past the boy.
"Sheesh, what jerk," Sinon muttered. "He's so uptight- if you put a coal up his butt, it'd come back in a week as a diamond!"
"Nah, I'd give it two days," Sachi said flatly.
"I'll eat my swords if it's not out by the end of the night," Litrosh added.
"Why are you all friends with him?!" Sinon asked. "You don't seem to like him that much."
"He found me on a mountain and gave a home," Litrosh shrugged.
"He saved my life and took me under his wing for the last couple of years," Sachi replied. "He gave me a new family,"
"He helped save my Mama and Papa bunches of times!" Yui said with a cute smile.
"He lives at my house right now, and he's my comatose brother's best friend, so I don't really have a choice," Leafa shrugged.
"So he's really not that bad?" Sinon asked while her friend pouted and muttered something under his breath. "All of that anger and snarky attitude is just a façade?"
"No, he really is a total prick, but we love him anyways," Sachi smiled.
"Well, someone has to," Leafa rolled her eyes.
"You sure you don't tolerate him cos you don't have a thing for him?" Litrosh asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Not relevant in this version!" Leafa cried, red-faced.
"Okay, who's the target?" Mataras asked as he spawned in the mini-map with Litrosh on his back.
"That guy," Litrosh said as he pointed at a sturdy-looking Toa of Stone.
"Ima kill him!" Mataras laughed as he unleashed fire, missiles, and sword attacks at the surprised player.
"So, was that what you were hoping for?" Litrosh asked as they re-appeared back in the waiting area.
"No… He was boring," Mataras sighed.
"Anyone tell you that you might have a problem?" Litrosh rolled his eyes.
"All the time, why?" Mataras asked innocently. "Wait, hold that thought, I'm thirsty." And he went to go get a drink.
"Are you… Thirsty… for blood…?" a deep, scratchy voice asked. "Red Swordsman…"
Mataras eyed the newcomer that had appeared behind him, taking in the massive build, the unbridled confidence, and the ominous aura that the dark Toa exuded. "And Sinon said that I was compensating," he muttered.
The figure growled and turned around, flashing him the mark of Laughing Coffin as he said, "I am Death Kanoka… And I'll kill you…"
"Not if I kill you first," the black-haired boy grinned evilly. "Hehe… So Laughing Coffin is here… I'm all fired up now!"
"Wrong version again!" Leafa shouted. "Get your storylines right!"
"Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey, writey-typey stuff!" Mataras shouted back. "This is a parody, what do I care?!"
"This next guy can't be defeated," Leafa's boyfriend, the shopkeeper, insisted.
"If I had a penny for every time someone told me that…" Mataras rolled his eyes. "You know what? Just to prove you wrong, Litrosh can go with Leafa for the next round. I can do this on my own."
"I am?" Litrosh asked.
"He is?" Leafa asked.
"Bye!" the Red Swordsman said as he vanished in a burst of light.
"By the glory that is my legendary mask…" the hulking, red-and-gold Toa said dramatically as he spread out his arms in a grand gesture, "I banish thee to-"
"Hey look, I got me a thing," Mataras said as he ripped the glowing golden mask off of his enemy and put it on his face. "Shiny."
"I will rip you in half and feed you to my dogs!" the angered warrior shouted as he back fisted Mataras into a mountain. "Give me the thing!"
"Hacks mode: on!" Mataras shouted before transforming into a giant dragon.
"What the-?!" Eugene gasped. "How the hell did Shenron get in here?!"
"Gee-gee-no-ree," Mataras shrugged. Then he incinerated his enemy, exclaiming, "Fire Dragon Roar!"
"And now it's on to round five to fight Sinon," Mataras said as he cracked his knuckles.
"Wait, what happened to the other two rounds?" Sachi asked.
"What about 'em?"
Sinon lined Mataras' head in her crosshairs before smiling and whispering, "Sayonara, flame-for-brains." She let loose a lightning-laced ice bolt that Mataras slapped aside with his hand. "…Okay, that's just not fair!" she complained.
"Oh right, like I haven't earned these stats!" Mataras called up.
"No one earns stats like that!" she shouted back. "You're just a cheater!"
"Beater, get it right!" he tossed back.
"Stop it," she growled.
"No," he smiled.
"Stop it," she repeated a little more sharply.
"Nope!" he replied with a shake of his head.
"Stop it!" she half-screamed.
"Fine, I'm stopping it myself!" she shouted as she started climbing down from her vantage point. When she ran up to him, she slapped him as hard as she could, only to find that it didn't really affect him.
"Really?" he scoffed. "A lightning-powered ice blast from one of the strongest bows in the game can't scratch me, and you think a slap is going to hurt me?"
"No, it just feels satisfying," she glowered at him. "Now fight me for real!"
"Okay," he shrugged.
"I said- ack!" She suddenly found herself being held by the small of her back with a very large fire sword pressed against her throat. "How…?"
"Maybe I'll tell you some other time," he smirked. "You're kind of cute when you're mad, you know."
"Buh…?" she gaped, eyes wide.
"The audience has declared that this match is boring, so we'll just call it a draw and you can both go to the tournament," the announcer declared. "Have fun being canon fodder for the other angry players!"
Mataras was immediately enraged. "Did you just call me-?!"
"So… Sinon," Sayuri said while Michael was walking her home.
"What about her?" he asked nonchalantly.
"You like her, don't you?" she teased him.
"Nah, she's not my type," he shook his head.
"Really?" Sayuri asked with a cocked head. "Gloomy, always focused, and highly skilled at killing from a distance? I'd have thought she was everything you wanted in a girl."
"Well when you put it like that…" he said slowly.
"Yeah?" she grinned.
"No!" he said firmly. "You make her sound sick! And me, by extension!"
"Says the one that talks about 'spilling a river of crimson tears," she retorted. "What is that, a pickup line?"
"No!" he declared. "This conversation is over!"
"Hey there," said one of two female Toa as they tried to get close to Mataras. "What do you say-?"
"I say 'die," Mataras said before he incinerated both of them. "Boring…"
"Hi," Sinon said as she popped up behind him and shot at his head. "Bye."
"Huh," Mataras shrugged as the blast disappeared inside of a portal that opened up to shoot the ice into the face of a very large Toa of Stone. "Finally, something not boring."
"Me, or him?" Sinon asked as she eyed the behemoth of a player, who readied his scythe for use.
"Yes," Mataras nodded.
"So what're you going to do now?" she asked as she trained her crossbow on him.
"Ima kill him," Mataras smiled.
"I am Dragon Song, true owner of the mask you wear," the hulking brown figure said. "Return it to me, and I'll let you live."
"Which one?" Mataras asked.
"The shiny one," Dragon Song replied.
"No dice," Mataras shook his head. "I need for a plot device later in the story… You understand, don't you?"
"Yes, but I still want that mask," he said flatly. "Give it to me."
"No," Mataras shook his head.
"Give it here, or die," Dragon Song warned.
"Ooh, is that an ultimatum?" Mataras grinned. "I love ultimatums." Turning to Sinon, he said, "Here's an ultimatum- either die to him, or die to me."
Sinon looked back and forth between the two of them for a moment before she shot Dragon Song square in the face. "I'll kill you later," she muttered to the Red Swordsman, who had lit up his sword.
"No, I don't think so," he shook his head as he struck down the Toa of Stone. "You're welcome to try right here and now, but you'll lose."
"Blatant favoritism of the author, that's why," he smirked.
"Aren't you the author?" she asked.
"Not right now, I'm not," he said with a slight frown. "Honestly, haven't you been paying attention?"
"Why did I decide to help you?" Sinon asked as they walked through the jungle that bordered a beach.
"It wasn't so much you deciding to help as me telling you to if you wanted another shot at my mask," Mataras smirked.
"I hate you," she growled.
"Now you're speaking my language," he chuckled. "Let's put that hatred to use, shall we? Tell me what you know about Death Kanoka."
"Why, did he hurt your feelings?" Sinon replied.
"He killed a lot of people," Mataras said bluntly. "Now stop being cute and start being helpful."
"Rrgh…" the sniper growled.
"Oh look, there he is," Mataras said as he pointed down the beach at two fighting Toa.
"Which one do I shoot?" Sinon asked begrudgingly.
"The black one," the Red Swordsman replied.
"I feel like there was a race joke in that, but we don't have time for that brand of nonsense," Sinon muttered under her breath.
"Hey, if people want race jokes, they can go see Something Witty Entertainment's Abridged parody of SAO," Mataras said nonchalantly. "Here in the Red Swordsman sagas, we try to keep things a little cleaner."
"What was that about compensation jokes earlier, then?" Sinon pointed out as she took aim.
"I said a little cleaner," Mataras smirked. "Not a lot. By the way, Death Kanoka is about to kill the white guy."
"Again…?" Sinon rolled her eyes as her target made the shape of a cross with his fingers before taking aim. "Whatever- this guy's going down." She fired, only to miss. "What the-?! I never miss!"
"Oh crap," Mataras frowned as Death Kanoka shot his adversary with his black disk. "It's just like I feared…"
"What's wrong?" Sinon asked.
"There's only one explanation for how your shot couldn't hit him," Mataras said seriously.
"What? Is he an illusion?" she asked him.
"No, it's much worse than that," Mataras shook his head negatively. "He has… Plot armor."
"The hell does that mean?!" his partner shouted at him.
"Means I'm the only one that can kill him now," Mataras grinned. "Or at the very least, I have to be directly involved."
"Didn't you die or something the last time you tried to help kill the main bad guy?" Sinon asked.
"Shh…" Mataras put a finger to his lips. "We don't talk about that yet."
Sinon stared at him for a moment before asking flatly, "Are you coming on to me?"
"Maybe," he shrugged.
"Okay, he's in the hole with another guy," Sinon said as she looked at the network of tunnels that ran under the map. "Might be kind of a tight fit in there…"
"Yeah, yeah, realized it the moment I said it," she muttered before they started walking in.
"Gotcha!" Sinon grinned as she shot at Death Kanoka's back, right before it passed through empty space. "Uh…?"
"Got any last words?" a growling voice asked as she lay on the ground after being paralyzed by a zamor sphere.
"How and why and please don't kill me!" she whimpered.
"Sorry, but I'm on a tight schedule," Death Kanoka growled.
"Yoink!" Mataras sped around a corner, bowled over the black Toa and spammed him with fire and missiles. "Okay, let's go!"
"I can't move."
"Guess you can pick up girls in a dungeon," Mataras shrugged as he picked her up and jumped through a portal. "Come on sunshine."
"Did you just call me sunshine?!"
"You said snow angel was off-limits."
Asuna: Cliffhanger?! On a parody?!
Mataras: Oh come on! That doesn't count, the people already know how it ends!
Sinon: Okay, smarty-pants. When's the next part come out?
Mataras: When I feel like it!