Disclaimer - I do not own Harry Potter

How Fred and George Met the Marauder's Map

Hogwarts April 1st 1990, Filch's Office

Fred tried not to laugh as Filch paced his office while ranting about 'rotten children,' with 'no discipline.' Sure he had been laying Dung-bombs along the top of the grand staircase. Yes, George had been setting up fireworks on the ground floor. No, that wasn't exactly allowed, but it was their birthday and it was a birthday celebration dedicated to them; one twin to the other.

"If I had my way, we would still hang you rotten children from the ceiling by your thumbs."

Fred attempted to school his face to one of fear, or remorse, something that would make the caretaker happy, but he knew he failed when Filch's glare intensified. He was enjoying this far too much.

"It's vermin like you that end up in Azkaban. You don't know the difference between right and wrong. Mark my words, it may start out with Dungbombs and Fanged Frisbees, but it will end with much worse. I can see it in your eyes. If you don't straighten up you will start stealing, or jinxing muggles. I could even see you turning to murder. You're just like that Black boy." Filch walked straight at Fred, "I wish I could whip the lot of you."

Fred opened his mouth to respond, no actual planned response, but was, thankfully, saved by the boom. Literally.

Filch jumped when something down the hall exploded. "Stay right there you little heathen."

Fred didn't have time to respond as the old man left the room with surprising speed. Curiously, Fred looked around the office and his eyes landed on the cabinet behind his cluttered desk. He knew George would be here shortly, maybe he could find something interesting to take with him before then.

Broken Fanged Frisbees, boring. Stink Pellets, they had a pile of those. Muggle stuff, his dad would love that. Stale candy, gross. A toilet seat; interesting.

Fred's eyes landed on a blank sheet of parchment and stopped. For some reason he felt like that was what he was looking for. He shook his head. Why would he want a blank sheet of parchment? He went back to searching, and came back to the parchment a moment later. He frowned. It was just some parchment. Why was it even stored with the other 'forbidden' paraphernalia?

The door burst open. Fred whirled to see his twin standing there smiling.

"Hurry, Fred. I've got him chasing Peeves, who I gave filled water balloons and fireworks to, but who knows how short his attention span is."

Fred nodded and grabbed the Stink Pellets and sheet of parchment. He might as well grab something he knew he could use. "Thanks, Bro. I nicked us some Stink Pellets."

"Nicely done, brother of mine."

"Are the Dungbombs all set?"

"Of course. Sorry you got caught by Mister Crazy Cat."

"It's alright. It was actually kind of funny. He really hates children."

"He works at a school."

"I know, that's what makes it so funny. That and he wanted to hang me from the ceiling by my thumbs, or was it toes?"

"So, Mister Crazy Cat is an apt name then?"

"Absolutely perfect. What did you do with the cat?"

"It might have had a potion dropped on it that turned it pink with lime green polka dots."

"Good choice."

They rounded the corner and found themselves of the fifth floor. No one was in sight.

"What's with the parchment?"

"Not sure. It was stored with all the other banned stuff. For some reason I just couldn't leave it."

George frowned, "Do you feel compelled to do anything else with it?"

Fred looked at the parchment absently, "No. I just really felt the need to take it with me."

"Alright. To be safe, you will be the only one to handle that thing until we are sure that it isn't messing with your head. Alright?"


Fred looked out the window, "Well, it looks like it is nearly time for dinner. Shall we head down and get good seats for the show?"

"Lead on, my less intelligent brother."

"Ah, yes, beauty before brains. Always good to acknowledge those that are more attractive than you are."

They shared a look and grinned. Hopefully, their little 'birthday gift' would go off without a hitch.

1st Year Gryffindor Boy's Dorm, May 6th 1990

It was a miserable, rainy day in May. The weather had been lovely two days before, but of course that was a Thursday and they had classes. Fate, it seemed, was not a friend to students as she decided that it should rain on Saturday.

George was studying up on prank potions while Fred was poking absently at some old, blank parchment.

"Would you stop poking that thing. Poking it didn't work a month ago, it didn't work a week ago, it didn't work an hour ago, so it's not going to work now."

"I know. I just wish I knew what it wanted. It wanted me to take it but now I don't know what to do with it."

"So why don't you ask it?"

"You want me to ask a bit of old parchment what it wants me to do?"

"No, I was actually thinking you should ask it what it is."

"Are you serious?"

George shrugged, "You may as well. Nothing else has worked; maybe that will."

Fred looked from his brother to the parchment, unsure if he should actually do it. "What should I say?"

"I don't know. How about, what are you?"

Fred looked down again, "What are you?"

Nothing happened.

"What is it that you do?"

Again nothing.

"I don't think it's going to work."

George sighed and picked up his wand. He walked to his brother's bed and sat down next to him atop the covers. He pointed his wand at the parchment and asked, "What are you?"

Mister Padfoot would like to know who is asking.

Mister Moony would like to say that he is relieved you finally figured out what you were doing.

Mister Prongs thought it was funny when you kept poking it.

Mister Wormtail is a bit put out that Messrs. Moony, Padfoot and Prongs stole what he was going to say.

Mister Padfoot thinks that Mister Wormtail needs to work on his responses if he could not figure out anything else to say.

Mister Prongs agrees. Mister Wormtail could have said something about the lack of manners.

Fred and George exchanged wide-eyed looks.

"It worked," Fred said more than a little awed.

George nodded, "What should we say?"

Fred picked up his wand, "We are Fred and George."

Mister Padfoot would like to say, Hello.

Mister Wormtail finds your response to be very pathetic Mister Padfoot.

Mister Prongs would like to know how old you are.

Mister Moony would like to know where you found it.

"Hi," Fred said back.

HA. This Fred answered Mister Padfoot, says Mister Padfoot.

George rolled his eyes, "We are first years at Hogwarts. We turned twelve last month."

"I stole the parchment from Filch's office."

Mister Prongs would like to applaud you. He likes that you stole it from Filch.

Mister Padfoot would like to second that, as Filch is the one who took it from us.

Mister Wormtail would like to apologize for that.

Mister Moony would like to congratulate you on joining the House of Godric Gryffindor.

"Thank you, Mister Moony. We come from a long line of Gryffindors. How did you know we were Gryffindors?"

Mister Padfoot thought it was obvious.

Mister Prongs agrees with Mister Padfoot.

Mister Wormtail wasn't sure and would like to know how Mister Moony knew.

Mister Moony assumed as such because no Hufflepuff would get into enough trouble with Mister Filch to end up in his office.

Mister Prongs concurs and would like to add that Ravenclaws spend too much time studying to end up in Filch's office.

Mister Moony would like to finish by saying the Slytherin could have done something to earn Filch's ire but would most likely not have been caught. First year snakes are much sneakier than first year lions.

"Huh, I guess that makes sense.

"So, what is the sheet of parchment?" asked George.

Mister Prongs would like to say he also comes from a long line of Brave lions.

Mister Padfoot does not want to mention his ancestry.

Mister Moony would like to know why you were in Filch's office.

Mister Wormtail would like to warn you that you are being tested.

Mister Padfoot concurs; if you do not answer to our satisfaction then you will never learn our secrets.

"We were giving ourselves a birthday celebration. It involved a large number of Dungbombs and fireworks."

Fred nodded, despite the fact that the parchment could not see him nodding. "I got discovered while placing the last few Dungbombs and Filch dragged me to his office."

Mister Wormtail would like to know if you have the same birthday.

Mister Padfoot thinks they are twins.

Mister Padfoot would like to know where George was when Fred was getting discovered.

Mister Moony finds your prank paraphernalia most pleasing.

"I was setting up the fireworks on the ground floor while he was setting up the Dungbombs along the grand staircase. I didn't realize Filch was approaching. I didn't know he was there until Fred started talking ridiculously loudly."

"I was warning you. And yes, Mister Padfoot, George and I are twins. Our birthday is April first. So it is our birthday and April Fool's Day all at the same time."

"How did you know which twin did what? I don't remember clarifying."

Mister Prongs thinks that is a very fitting birthday for a prankster.

Mister Wormtail is jealous, there is nothing special about his birthday.

Mister Padfoot wants Mister Wormtail to remember his birthday is special because it is his birthday.

Mister Moony would like to know how much trouble you got into when Filch caught you.

Mister Prongs really wishes Mister Moony wasn't so focused.

Mister Padfoot would like to concur.

Mister Wormtail thanks Mister Padfoot for his kind words.

Mister Moony would like to remind Mister Prongs that IT would not have been completed without Mister Moony being so focused.

Mister Prongs is sticking his tongue out at Mister Moony.

Mister Wormtail is joining Mister Prongs in sticking out his tongue.

Mister Padfoot would like to say he is too dignified to stick out his tongue but he would be lying, most grievously.

Mister Moony often wonders why he is friends with Messrs. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

Mister Wormtail counts himself lucky that he has such hilarious friends.

Mister Padfoot would like to say he loves Mister Prongs.

Mister Prongs would like to say he loves Mister Padfoot like a brother and remind him that Mister Prongs's heart belongs to the lovely Lily Flower.

Mister Moony is impressed that it took this long for Mister Prongs to bring up Lily Flower.

Mister Padfoot would like to suggest a round of applause for Mister Prongs's show of restraint.

Mister Wormtail wonders if pranksters, Fred and George, are still there.

"We are still here."

"Was there a question in there somewhere?"

"Do you always end up getting so far off topic?"

"They sound like us."

"When we are trying to confuse mom."

"And we talk,"

"Back and forth."

"Completing each,"

"Other's sentences."

Mister Padfoot would like to know if you are identical twins.

Mister Moony believes he asked what your punishment was for placing Dungbombs on the stairs.


Mister Prongs would like to remind Mister Wormtail that he is supposed to say everything in the agreed upon format.

Mister Wormtail is sorry but he would like to reiterate, THEY ARE AWESOME.

Mister Moony would like to point out that the formatting idea was Mister Wormtail's design.

"Yes, we are identical. We trade places all the time."

"Mum hates it."

"That she does. She can't really tell us apart."

"Bill is the only one who can."

"Bill is our oldest brother."

"He's awesome."

"I didn't get into any trouble. Filch was ranting and pacing when my dear brother created a distraction."

Mister Padfoot wonders if Mister Filch still threatens to hang students by their toes, or was it thumbs?

Mister Prongs would like to know what sort of distractions George caused.

"Yes he does."

"I bribed Peeves. I had him blow up some modified fireworks then start throwing water balloons filled with slime all over the place. He was supposed to travel up, going up as many floors as he could while keeping Filch busy."

Mister Wormtail would like to say, good show.

Mister Moony concedes that asking Peeves to help was brilliant.

Mister Padfoot wants to know what you did to the cat.

Mister Prongs wonders if it is the same cat.

"The cat might have been a bit embarrassed because her fur was turned bubble gum pink with lime green polka dots."

"Her name is Mrs. Norris."

Mister Padfoot is rolling on the floor laughing.

Mister Prongs approves of the cat coloring.

Mister Wormtail wonders when Mrs. Olsen died.

Mister Moony wonders if Filch has any originality at all.

"I would still like to know how they told us apart."

Mister Padfoot will answer. MAGIC!

Mister Moony thinks they deserve a bit more and will say that your magic, though you are twins, is slightly different.

Mister Prongs would like to know if his fellow Marauders have any other questions for the twins.

Mister Wormtail is satisfied.

Mister Moony likes their pranking spirit so thinks they are deserving.

Mister Padfoot concurs. IT was designed to aid in mischief making and these two are makers of mischief.

Mister Prongs makes it four for four.

"What exactly does that mean?" Fred wondered.

"Perhaps they are going to tell us the secret of the parchment."

Mister Wormtail would like to tell George that he is correct.

Mister Prongs would like to congratulate you for passing the test.

Mister Padfoot just had a thought. What year is it?

Mister Prongs wants to know that too.

Mister Moony suggests that the twins tell them. They won't tell you anything until you answer.

"It's 1990."

Mister Prongs hopes he is married to his Lily Flower and he has lots of little Prongslet children.

Mister Padfoot claims the right of Godfather.

Mister Wormtail hopes he has a wife too.

Mister Moony hopes that no fathers have killed Mister Padfoot for going after their daughters.

Mister Padfoot is offended by that Mister Moony.

Mister Prongs agrees that Mister Padfoot will be Godfather but somewhat agrees that Mister Padfoot plays around with a lot of girls.

Mister Wormtail sometimes wishes he was like Mister Padfoot but some of those girls scare him.

"Can you tell us what you planned to tell us?"

"Not that your banter isn't interesting but we're twelve and we hear enough of that stuff from our brothers."

Mister Moony thanks Fred and George.

Mister Padfoot agrees to tell them the secret.

Mister Wormtail was depressing himself anyway.

Mister Prongs will begin. Point your wands at the parchment and say 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good.'

Mister Moony would like to inform you that whatever happens after that is real.

Mister Padfoot concurs and would like to add that it is extremely helpful when setting up pranks.

Mister Wormtail wishes Fred and George luck.

Mister Prongs invites you to ask us questions should the need arise.

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs welcome you to the secret of the Marauders.

The parchment went blank a moment later. All trace of their conversation fading away.

They both picked up their wands and pointed them at the parchment, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." Before their very eyes words began to form.

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers
are proud to present

Here is a little something that has been knocking around in my head for a while and I finally decided to just post it. This is somewhat inspired from the map conversation in my other story A Different Professor as well as a review left by Deathmvp.

This may or may not continue. If it does it will probably pick back up when Harry starts school and will be done almost entirely in the current format, conversations between the map and whomever is talking to it.

Let me know what you think. If it is slightly crazy I blame my brain that is currently not at its best as I have been sick in bed for the last two days.