A/N: This fanfic is the answer to a request by tigergirl-moonstar (Stacey). The request was "Werewolf Sirius and Remus together, basic love story dealing with going through Hogwarts and how to keep it secret." I added the Remus biting Sirius part and started writing. I still don't have a schedule for this so the chapters will be posted based on my muse.
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. All rights to JK and etc.
Warnings: Rated M. Slash! Gay Couple! Light Angst!
Pairings: WolfStar! (Or WolfWolf! in this case, bad pun, I know)
Current time/Era: Marauders Era. Starting in third year and going forward.
I HATE IT! Why couldn't the lunar cycle take longer? Every single month I have to see my friend so hurt and worn out in the morning after the bloody full moon. Last year when I discovered it with James and Pete I was so proud of myself for it and now I just wish to have never known. In the days where he changes I can never sleep with worries and every morning after when I get to Remus my heart sinks a little. He looks so fragile, so helpless. I just wish there was something I could do. James has been helping me research but almost every book we found so far has only talked about werewolves in some really prejudicial way. And being honest, James is hardly as worried about Remus as I am. He thinks of the whole thing as funny, specially for Remus to think he is dangerous when we all know that he couldn't hurt a fly.
Well if Remus had read half of what I did I can see where he takes his issues from. And I'm not stupid to think that I would manage to read more than Remus about any subject, especially if the subject is so important to him. The only clue we have so far is that it doesn't seem to have any abnormal animals death close to werewolves locations. Maybe they only attack humans? I've been thinking about it but it's hardly something that would help anyway. Now I'm here in my bed, in the middle of the night, reading. FUCKING READING! Remmy dear has no idea how much I care for him. Hell, I don't think that I would read for James. Merlin's pants! Before I started to stay awake during the full moons I've never knew how loud James snores are. I think he has to see a healer about it or I feel for any woman who ends up sleeping with him in the future.
I decide to go down and wait close to the path to the Shrieking Shack and run away from the horrible sounds that James produces while asleep. With all the reading that I've done I discovered the if you tickle the Whomping Willow he calms down, maybe I can use a tickling charm that I've been practicing to prank Snivellus. Oh, maybe I can wait for Remus in the door of the Shak to spook him. I can imagine his face when he sees me, this is a brilliant idea I just can't pass this opportunity.
It did took longer than I thought to be able to paralyze the three but it did work out in the end. Good thing is almost sunrise so I won't have to wait too long to surprise Remus. I make my way through the tunnel, it's a little narrow and I probably wouldn't be able to run in it if I needed to. Well, not that this is important.
I take a deep breath and realize that I'm actually quite nervous about it, I could see Remus in his wolf form today. Would it be terrifying? Would make me scarry of him? God no! I think I could never be terrified about Remus. He is so sweet, so nice, even if I wanted to I don't think I could bring myself to look at him with anything but a smile. I can hear the howling now. It does gives me the creeps, mostly because I know how hurt Remus get. If anything I hate his wolf for hurting him, for making him so whidraw, so scared of living. I approach the door of Shak, the howling now is so loud that is disturbing. I sit at the door and wait for it to cease. I takes a few minutes, at least I think it is a few minutes. I could never tell, after all, I didn't bring a clock. Maybe is sunrise already. I put my ear against the door to hear what's happening, probably Remus is changing back. After a silent while I feel a strong thud against the door and I'm knocked backwards.
My heard starts to get really fussy with a rain of thoughts. Is it possible for the beast to break free? Am I in danger? What can I do? I NEED TO RUN! I hear another loud thud against the door and I can see that the door won't hold long. RUN, RUN, RUN! It's like every fiber of my being is screaming at me and my body is too slow, too frightened to respond. And I keep staring at the door completely still. RUN! Nothing. Suddenly there's a silence, maybe he gave up. WRONG! My brain shoots and soon I hear the door coming down. I stare at the beast for a second and immediately get the control of my body back. I quickly try to get up and run but as soon as I stand I can feel pawns on me and I'm back on the floor.
– REMUS DON'T! – I yell terrified. Oh how wrong I was.
The wolf doesn't even flinch and my scream and I try to protect my face with my arms as I sense his mouth opening to attack me. I close hard my eyes and then there is the pain. Sweet and paralyzing. I can feel every single teeth that reaps through my flesh, the blood drawing and flowing out of my torned skin. The grip of the beast pulls and I can feel it's saliva burning the ripped spots of flesh. I start to think that I might loose my arm, maybe it would be better to loose my arm. I open my wet eyes and I stare when I feel the creature stopping its attack. I can see the monster in pain while it's bones start to crack and to change. It's hair starts to recede and I can see a ray of light coming from the door of the shak. I stare at the yellow eyes of the wolf while tears starts to run through my face.
Soon over me is no longer a beast but my friend, my sweet and timid friend Remus. I can see yellow melting away and being replaced by the forest green that I'm so used to, the thing I'm not used to is the confusion, pain and fear that stares back at me. I can sense my lips forming a comforting smile before losing conscience completely.
I expected a lot when I went to the Shack yesterday. A more violent changing, a new scar or scars, even having to heal some broken bones. But nothing would ever prepare me for opening my eyes, my human eyes to stare at the beautiful grey orbs of Sirius. He's crying and with my enhanced senses and I can smell the blood. Oh Sirius what have I done? I stare at my friend as I see him dozing off, I imagine a sweet smile on his lips but I know it to be impossible. If anything right now I lost everything dear to me. I know I did. The bite is so clear, so easy to see. I gulp and feel the taste of iron in my mouth, blood. The guilty, the horror, the shame. It all fills me hard, violently and without a moment to process. I put my arms around my friend, my so understanding friend who never left me even when he discovered the monster I am.
I want to run, to never look back to not have to deal with the hate, the outcome of what I've done. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have told him. I should have lied, pretended… How stupid I must be to think that it would be safe to have friends. How stupid! Part of me wants to punish myself, to hurt more than I'm already hurting. To bring justice on the creature that hurted my dearest friend but deep down there's another part of me that is so scared. So completely terrified of the hate that Sirius will feel for me, of how he will blame me for his changing, his misery. I want to hurt, to feel like I'm paying for what I've done, to be punished for my crimes. But at the same time I'm so selfish that I don't want to see my beloved friend hating me. It feels like that would hurt so much more, so much more than I would be able to handle. How selfish I am.
I finally calm down enough to let go of the embrace and realize that if I'm not fast enough Sirius will die. I pull him in my arms and carry him with a strength that I didn't knew I had to the entrance of the passage. When Poppy sees me carrying Sirius she rapidly puts a charm on him to levitate him to the infirmary and I started to follow her but my vision becomes blurred and I black out.
When I finally wake again I'm a little confused and part of me hopes that the things that I've done where only a dream. I use all of my strength to open up my eyes and for a long moment I stare at the ceiling not wanting to face reality. But my guilty gets the better of me and I turn to my side to see Sirius laying on a bed distant from me, unconscious and clearly sick. I see his left arms is bandaged and I swallow hard but even then I can't stop the tears from falling off my eyes. I scream and start to sob violently and soon I can't see straight and I don't feel like I'm breathing at all. Before I get to black out again I feel hands steadying me to the bed and something being poured into my mouth.
The second time I wake up I hear voices. For a moment I can't process what they are saying but I can tell that is Dumbledore and Poppy. I smell lemon drops and herbs and the other thing I smell is my favorite scent but it seems tainted. The delicious and intoxicating scent of grass mixed with the muggle cologne that Sirius uses to piss off his family, but now it has something more. Something sweet but frightening, something that smells like me. My sobbing comes back but more controlled and I open my eyes to see the Headmaster looking down on me.
– It's my fault. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm…– The sobbing continues and I can't seem to be able to talk at all.
– My boy, relax a little. No one is blaming you. – How can they not? I certainly am. Dumbledore seems to notice my feeling as he continues. – You are not in control of your condition. – I don't care for words I turn my head to look for Sirius and I find him sitting in the bed next to mine with his eyes full of tears and a pained expression. I can't control but to cry harder but the words stray from my lips. There is nothing I can say, how can I ask forgiveness? How can I make it right? There's nothing I can do. My entire world as fallen apart.
It took me a long while for me to wake up, I could feel it in my muscles. It felt like my entire body had burst into flames and had recently cooled down. I recalled the events that led me to the school infirmary. The bite, the guilty in Remus eyes before I passed out, everything. I can see that I have more attention now, that my sense of smell has grown. I see Poppy and Dumbledore whispering to each other on her desk. I then search for Remus, he is in another bed really far from me and on a stinct I get up and run straight to him. He looks as healthy as one can be after the changing and it worries me. How long I was sleeping?
– I didn't knew if you would want to be close to him after the bite... – I turn my eyes from my friend to stare at Poppy with some disdain. Does she thinks my friendship is this shallow? There is nothing they could do to separate myself from him, or James for that matter. They are my FRIENDS.
– She doesn't meant any harm boy. It's just that you might have need sometime to process it all.– The headmaster said and I manage to relax a little.
– Is he all right? – I ask worried. I just got bitten, I expected him to be awake before me. – Does the bite do something to the werewolf too?
– Don't worry. He is physically all right. – Poppy answered me frowing.
– It mens that the problem is in his head? – I'm really worried now. I remember how Remus was when we discovered hi furry little problem. He could hardly dealt with it, now this? What have I done? I was such a fool and now I'm hurting my friend so badly.
– He had a panic attack when he wake up early so we had to dope him. – The healer informed me with sadness.
– It wasn't his fault. It was mine, I was stupid and idiot and… and… Will he be all right? He's not going to have to leave, right? There is nothing he loves more than to study in here. You can't take that away from him! I won't tell anyone, please don't punish him for it. I knew what he is and I went to the Shack, he had told us so many time not to. But I thought I could wait for him outside the door and surprise him, I didn't expect for the wolf to smell my scent and break free. Please… – I'm sobbing and begging at the same time. Dumbledore exchange a knowing look with Poppy and I look with hope at them.
– As I was just discussing with Madam Pomfrey a way to handle this situation with the least pain for our students. I don't really wish to expel Remus but I hardly believe that your parents will accept anything but it…– I glare at the Headmaster.
– So don't tell them! It's better if it's all my fault. No one has to know that it was Remus that bitten me. – I cut him with certainty. – I can say that I was exploring the Dark Forest and got bitten and was found trying to came back to the school. I would hardly be the first time I had done this after all. – I look at the Headmaster that has a spark in his eyes.
– That would be true, hardly would be the first time you have done that. But then maybe your parent will try to take you from school…– He starts his nonsense again.
– They won't! If anything they will try to keep it as a secret. Imagine having the the Black blood being tainted by lycanthropy? – I scorn at that. – Until my dear Mother is able to properly disinherit me she will do everything in her capacity to hide any improprieties I shall present. – I say with disdain. I'm certainly she will not think twice after I reach the legal age to complete blast me from the family. I can see Poppy's face looking full of pity as she guides me to sit at the bed closer to Remus. Usually I would do something to stop the pity party but I let her. Maybe it will help her justify lying to my parents.
– He has a point Poppy and like this we will be able to assure his and Remus education and the precautions he will need are already in order. – Dumbledore said in a voice that inspired trust. I have to admit that I'm quite surprise that he's agreeing with me but at this point I'm not even going to complain.
– If any word of this gets out there is no way the school won't be made accountable for it… – As she start blabbing about stupid things like responsibilities I see Remus starting to wake up.
– It's my fault. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm…– I freeze while his pleading start to dissolve in bigger sobs. Dumbledore then intervenes. – My boy, relax a little. No one is blaming you. – Remus looks like he is about to crack then Dumbledore continues. – You are not in control of your condition. – He sits and turns to me and I can see that he lost hold of his crying and after the initial shock I rush to him, locking my arms around his body. I hold him so close that I start to feel complete intoxicated with the smell of old paper and chocolate. It takes a while but eventually I feel his arms reciprocate the embrace. It's a good feeling, like I belong there. I had hugged Remus before but never with so much need, so much ensurance, so much fear of losing him.
It takes all of my strength and courage to easy the grip around him so I can look at his face. – Hey there. – I know it's stupid greeting after this but heck, I'm not the smart one in here.
– Sirius I'm so sorry. I, I… – I give him a smile. I know he will blame himself but I'm the one at fault.
– Stop right there! You did nothing wrong. If anything is my fault. – I say but I can see in his expression that he doesn't believe in me. – Hell! You are the only werewolf my age if you get away from me I will be all alone into understanding about my condition. Don't you dare leave me now! – I need him. I need him so bad right now.
– O-o-okay. – He murmurs and I can notice how blushed are his cheeks. Merlin! It looks like I just declared myself to him. I give him a reassuring smile and tackle him in another hug. I just don't want to look at Dumbledore right now as I can sense myself blushing because of the situation.
After a while like this Poppy clears her throat and starts to addressus. – If you can stop huggin we would like to finish this conversation with you. – She says clearly without patience.
We let go of each other but I make Remus move himself so we can sit sharing the bed. – Yeah, while you were sleeping you missed me convincing the Headmaster to lie to my family. – I say trying to joke and Remus get a look of both amusement and guilty.
– You did no such thing. – Poppy interrupts but I look at Dumbledore and I can see that yes, I did.
– It's for the best. Now, who else knows about your condition? – The headmaster asks and Remus looks even more guilty.
– James and Pete. But it's not his fault, we discovered ourselves. – I say cutting him out.
– Of course you did. Such an exemplar student like Lupin would never go against a rule on his on. – Poppy says and I have to bite my tongue to not make a sound, Remus is just as much as a troublemaker as I am, he just have better grades. Dumbledore seem to be amused by this as the sparkle in his eyes grows.
– But of course. Now, there is not a problem about telling the boys about what happened today as long as you make them understand that no one else can know. Sirius I will send a letter to your parents and we will have a meeting somewhere in the next few days. I will fetch you so you can take part in the conversation. You both have passed through some really traumatic events today, you will both be sleeping in the infirmary and will be released tomorrow morning but I will excuse you from the classes. You both deserve some rest and time to think and talk. – He said and I let go of the weight that I was carrying in my shoulders.
Madam Pomfrey makes me go back to my bed and we prepare ourselves to sleep. I toss and turn for a long time. I don't even spend a taught about being a werewolf myself. I just want to be fine and protect Remus. I don't want to deal with MY furry little problem. If anything, as I close my eyes, I understand now that the world is a little darker. When I at long last manage to fall asleep I have a dream, more accurately a nightmare. The wolf teeth is back on my arms and his yellow eyes glare at me with raw fury then he continues to bite and pull destroying my skin and eating me while I cry for help. I wake up crying and I look at Remus who is awake and staring at me worried in his bed. I stand up and go to him for comfort. I don't care if it makes look like a child, I snuggle into his body and find a cozy position. Remus don't say anything, he just moves to make me even more comfortable and soon we both fall asleep. This time I don't even dream as I let myself be filled with thoughts of Remus and his scent. The scent of chocolate, books, and something else that I can't place yet.