A/N: I'm late but I'm here.
The next morning when Poppy waked us up she was angry. Well, I know is not okay for students to sleep in the same bed, but we are both boys and I'm already so embarrassed she so shouldn't add to it. Remus face is so red that I have to bite my lips not to comment how cute he looks. I know that Poppy and Dumbledore stopped James and Pete to come visit but I can sense James smell in the room. I sit in the chair beside Remus and ask him about it.
– Remy, why do I smell James?
– You can already tell?! He probably came by with the invisible cloak to check on us. Probably before breakfast as we were asleep at the time and his smell is still strong. – He points out not looking at me.
– Merlin! This means you always knows where we have been? Hell, I'm pretty sure you will have a few things to explain… Wait, so you know that I usually take naps in your bed when you are off to Ancient Runes classes?
– Oh! So that's why my bed always smells like you. – He gives me a shy but provoking smile.
– It's not my fault! Your bed is more comfortable. – I pout dramatically.
– Is not. They are school beds, they are all the same.
– Not for me, no. Yours is better. Now that I know that you know I won't have to get up before you came back. – I say smiling and Remus just rolls his eyes at me and then he frowns and goes back to looking somber.
– What now? – I ask concerned. I really hate this expression of his as I can tell he is blaming and punishing himself. – What have I done? – What I could possible have said to trigger this on him?
– You? Nothing. Oh Sirius, do you really want to keep being friends with me? I know that you will need my help in dealing with it but I can understand if you despise me and decides to shut me out. I'll keep helping you whenever you need it. – He says while playing with his fingers in a pensive way and I have to count to thirty to regain enough patience not to blast at him.
– Do you think of my friendship as shallow as this? – I ask him not managing to mascarade my anger. Am I really so untrustworthy that he thinks so little of me? This hurts.
– Oh Sirius, of course not. Is just that you shouldn't forgive me. I'm a stupid monster and because of me you are now a werewolf. I'll understand if you wouldn't want to keep being my friends because I don't deserve it. – He says resigned and with a cracked voice that makes it clear to me that he's fighting himself not to cry. Of course he doesn't think little of me, he has shown me nothing but understanding and caring. Is that he thinks too little of himself and because of me it's probably even worse now.
– Don't you dare. I care about you Remus and I don't think of myself as a monster and neither of you. If someone is guilty of yesterday's incident is me and I won't have you blaming yourself for it. And since when friendships are about deserving? You do deserve, don't take me wrong. But even if you didn't I would still be your friend. – I go and pull him into another hug as he starts to cry and Poppy comes back rolling her eyes. It's like we are determined to be on touching terms every time the mediwitch approaches and I blush a little.
Oh my god, I wish I could have Sirius resolve of not caring about people's opinions. Did he realized that we slept together and James saw it? Of course it wasn't sleeping together as in sex. But we were hugging each other while asleep. And not only this but Madam Pomfrey even gave us a lecture about it, even if I'm pretty sure she saw us a long before we wake up and didn't wake us then. Of course he doesn't blame me, he is too kind for it. But I know it is my fault, such a danger like a werewolf should never been so close to a school. Of course I can't run away now that I did this to him, I have to take responsibility.
God! What will James say when he discovers it? Will he hate me? He is not as kind as Sirius is with me. And Pete? I'm confident that he will react just like James, not that they are alike but he don't have a single original bone in him. Merlin, if I wasn't a such a lost cause and was actually capable of choosing I would be miles away from Pete, he's so annoying. But I guess Sirius and James do like an audience.
I also don't know where Sirius is thinking hugging me so much, of course he was never averted to physical contact. But hugging? More like hanging himself on us when he is in one of his dramas. Well, I never had cried in front of him before so I guess different situations give us different results. I shouldn't put my mind into it, it's not like Sirius would ever look at me in that way. Since the beginning of the year he has been talking about girls and boobs nonstop, only a fool would have hope of him looking at a boy in a romantic way. And being brutally honest with myself if he were to look at a man it wouldn't be the bookworm, awkward duckling me. It would be James, self confident, handsome, unscared James.
I remember how happy I was when James declared his undying love for Lily, the girl is a sweetheart and could do a lot better than my friend but I can't help but be overly supportive of him chasing her. Anything to take him away from Sirius, not that I would have a chance even with James out of the picture, but I don't think I could take the blow to my self esteem if they were to get together. God, what if they despise me when they discover that I'm gay? It does looks like a chapter of my life story, have my friends accepting me even being a werewolf just to have them forsaking me for liking men.
Soon the mediwitch releases us and we walk side by side in silence to our dorms. We end up spending most of the day in there studying, I was actually quite surprised when I sugest it and Sirius agreed to it. Soon is time for our friends to join us so I decide to speak to Sirius about it.
– So, Sirius. How we will explain it to them? – I didn't really wanted to ask but I knew it would be better to have a plan.
– I think is best that I explain and you just watch. I hope they won't handle this bad but you never know with this type of thing. And just to be clear, even if they have a problem with the situation I don't, so can you please not freak out? – He send me puppy eyes and I snort indignantly.
– I don't freak out! – I pout a little.
– Yes you do. But they didn't mind you being a werewolf before and I don't think they will mind it now. – As he was finishing saying James and Pete come in and I start to feel sick. Thank Merlin for Sirius wanting to speak because I couldn't do it even if I wanted, which is totally not the case.
We rise up and James look at our faces suspiciously he can totally see that something is wrong, Pete on the other hand looks completely oblivious about it. Sirius cleans his throat and I start to plead to the gods in my head for it to be alright.
I'm more nervous than I expect and I start to feel a few of Remus's fears that I always considered unfounded. I can see that he looks really green and I decide to finish this quickly because I can't deal with dragging the subject.
– So you guys noticed that I wasn't in here in the morning for the last two days like Remus, right?
– Yeah, what the hell happened? Poppy usually don't mind us in the ward but this time she did everything in her power to stop us. – James points out with a big frown.
– So, you know how I was in this state of "I'm going to scare your brains out" lately, right? So I had this really stupid idea to scare Moony just after he changed back to his human form during the full moon.
– Urg Sirius, this is a really stupid plan. So what? You hurt yourself trying? – I can see that James can see where this is going but wants to be wrong. Well, even if I don't say it won't change the act that it happened. I better finish with this already.
– Well, kind of. I went to close to the shack and end up startling Moony and he broke free from there and bite me.
– A-a-are you sirious? – Pete asks me with wide eyes.
– Yes, I'm Sirius. – I say trying to loose the tension. – Now we kind of have two werewolves in our midst. Not the best layout, I know. But that's it. – Now James looks really angry and I don't know why. I mean, I would understand if he wore sad, disappointed, startled or even if he found it funny. But angry? It's like I'm not already paying for my mistake.
– HOW COULD YOU? – He yells and I frown.
– Well, I didn't planned it you know? It was a stupid accident. – I point out really upset now.
– I'm not talking to you Sirius. How you dare do this to him, Lupin? Specially after we accept you even you being a werewolf? – He says with venom I didn't picture him capable of and Pete send dirty looks to Remus. Now I'm the one that is furious, Remus didn't do anything wrong, I look at him and I see that he believes he is at fault even more now that James practically pinpointed it to him..
– NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME JAMES! ARE YOU GOING TO STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH ME BECAUSE I'M WEREWOLF? – I scream as I know that the room is sound proof.
– What? Of course not! – He says a little taken back.
– THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TREATING REMUS LIKE HE IS AT BLAME? HOW MANY TIMES DID HE WARNED US ABOUT NOT COMING EVEN CLOSE THE THE SHRIEKING SHACK? HOW MANY TIME DID HE POINTED OUT HOW DANGEROUS IS A WEREWOLF ON THE FULL MOON? HOW MANY? – I keep on with my rant.
– Well, a lot but… – He starts not very happy about me screaming at him.
– NO BUT! REMUS IS OUR FRIEND! And he's not our friend DESPITE BEING A WEREWOLF. He's our friend and we DON'T CARE about him being a werewolf. UNLESS you do, Then you will be my friend in the same way, right?! Like you're doing me a favor because I'm a monster that no one would want to be with. I hope not, James. Because I can assure you that I'll not accept this type of friendship. You know what?! How about you and your bloody minion think a little if you want to be our friends or not and then you come and find me?– I say sending daggers at Pete that was sending dirty looks to Remus imitating James. I turn to Remus who is crying but not making a sound and I drag him with me out of the dorm and to a reclusive place.
We end up in an abandoned classroom that Filch almost never approaches. As soon as we got there Remus started to sob and lost all control of his crying and I did the only thing I can do when I see him crying, I hugged him with all my strength and hoped that this would be enough.
I couldn't take anymore of the hurt I'm feeling inside so I let go of my feelings and allow myself to cry fully, part of me hoped that Sirius would comfort me because of it and when he hugged me I felt fulfilled but even more guilty. It's like I using him in some way. I hate James, I wish I really hated him. Bloody hell! I can't! If anything I think he is right and he is a amazing friend to Sirius for getting angry at me. I did deserve his words and deep down I was kind of expecting it.
What I wasn't expecting was Sirius standing up to me the way he did. I knew they cared about me, that they think I'm quite funny sometimes and enjoy my company and when they accepted me even being a werewolf I was static because I never believed it possible. But when he said all those things to James it became really clear to me that even if James doesn't see me as more than a funny werewolf that he hangs up out of pity, Sirius does. I'm hurting so much because of James, because I did wished he would care more about me than that and I do consider him my friend. But part of me is beaming with joy at knowing that Sirius truly cares about me, that he will stand up for me, that he is hugging me. I'm really disgusting. He would hate me if he knew what I'm thinking. He would despise me.
I let myself calm down on Sirius arms, I'm a little taller than him so I burry my face into his neck and let myself get intoxicated with him, this time the werewolf scent on him don't make me feel like I dirtied him, it makes me feel like I marked him. Like now he is somehow part of me, like he is mine. I know how disturbing and disgusting this feeling is. I endangered his life and now I let myself draw in pleasure at the scent of it. I'm a sick bastard.
I wish I could send him away, tell him how awful I really am. Tell him to leave and not let himself be even more tainted because of me, but I can't. I can't because part of me hopes, hopes that he will accept this degenerative beast that I am. That he somehow will desire me the way I do him, that he will accept me fully. So I stand, not saying the extension of my feelings and taking advantage of his sincere feeling of friendship. I really am a awful person but for now I'll let myself be taken
I eventually calm down and Sirius let go of the hug, I feel like it will be awkward but it's not. He puts his hands on my face and looks right through my eyes with care.
– You did a mess of yourself, hu? – He points out with his beautiful grin.
– Yeah I did.
– Don't mind James, he will come around. He was being stupid because he was shocked. He can't be that mean, not really. – He points out trying to comfort me and maybe himself.
– He was kind of right you know. And… And you shouldn't keep yourself away from him because of me. He likes me and Pete but you are a brother to him. – I say trying to appease him, even if part of me has always been disturbingly jealous of James I know that would be awful to let Sirius be angry with him.
– Remus! – He says disapproving. – Now we have to have a serious talk. – He says with grimace.
– You are only able to have Sirius talks, Sirius. – I say trying to get him off of whatever is he will try to say.
– Yeah, me, Sirius. And don't use the pun on me. Here is the thing, do you think I'm a awful or undeserving friend now that I'm a werewolf? – He asks me with a straight face that is as rare as unicorns.
– Of course not, I would never! – I answer affronted, I'd never look down on him. Maybe I put him into a pedestal, but down? NEVER!
– Good that we got that cleared out. So, you are forbidden to look down on yourself because of it. If I don't get to be a terrible person because of it you don't get it either. Do you understand? – He demands and I start to feel the urge to say that I'm different but I end just nodding in agreement. God, I think if he uses this demanding tone on me I would obliged to anything. I notice that even if we stopped hugging I'm still pretty close to him and he gives me that grin that makes me melt and I have to stop my thoughts of wandering through dangerous places. I bite my lips trying to think of something to not let me became horny in this position and I end up thinking of the potions lecture with the buffoon Slughorn that we have to call a teacher.
– So now what? We have to do something for a while if we are avoiding our roommates. – I point out when I calm down my mind a little.
– True, so since I already got the worst possible punishment for my scare pranks I might as well go and delivered the rest of them that I planned, right? – He says deviously.
– I can point out the breaches in your plans. Let's see what you got. – I say excited as we go through a few pranks plans. Even if my life is quite the mess I'm feel really blessed to be able to be with Sirius in here and for now this is enough. I hope this will always be enough but deep down I know that I'm always wanting more when to it.
Thanks for reading.