His heart was hammering as he entered the portal of the magical station that was going to whisk them to Hogwarts. He was going to see the one his eyes were dying to see, to the one his heart was seeking. A thousand of thoughts were racing in spans of milliseconds. How will she react? What does she look like... her mere presence? her exuberance...her cheery aura. A huge fear was sailing under those currents of every thought. what if she suddenly did not like him. what if she didn't want him any more than just a friend... what if she…

Those were unbearable thoughts. Harry was always highly insecure and you can't blame poor guy the way he was raised and the way everything in his life happened right from he was born.

Harry nervously leafed through his hair. His attire, should he wear a tie or should he get flowers? All these seemingly insignificant things somehow began to mattered very much today. He started pacing nervously. his feet seemed rest less. he just couldn't focus. His vacation was over from muggles and he was going back to bosom of beloved Hogwarts and magic. call of those fuel running through his veins but those all-huge things seemed meaningless and very small. He spotted her.

His heart skipped. She was laughing and was with her friends. She was so cheerful. There was bounce in her steps. She was taking so animatedly. A pure joy passed through him and he beamed. he just beamed by looking her and immediately his legs wanted to run over to her. To greet her to hug her to just throw her hair and just go merry-go-round with her. He wanted to talk with her about so so many things. wanted to ask her about so so many things. He just wanted to sink in those eyes and just wanted to mindlessly follow those braids which were flying every time she shook her head or laughed.

She turned her head and might have spotted her and Harry ducked. He hated self and was cursing himself for reacting so instantly. but it just happened so fast his brain dint even get time to process it. there was huge growing pit of void in his stomach. He hid behind a pillar. He watched he board train she didn't find anything out of the usual and Harry remembered she wasn't waiting for him. His existence for her just a friend of her elder brother. His heart ached as that carriage door closed and she went out from being visible. It hurt.

He suddenly jerked for the carriage and took a few steps but stopped himself firmly. He punched the wall and immediately regretted as the searing pain registered in the brain. but that pain didn't help. It just existed on the top level and what ache in the heart was flowing beneath that pain and was not soothing anything. Damnit Harry swore. His friends or anything else in the world didn't even matter remotely .

Sharp whistle of the train started him. It was time to board. Swimming platform full of parents waving kissing goodbyes… giving instructions... scolding launchings. Strange screeches of animals... there was enough noise to drown out the whistle but it all felt like it was coming from a distance to Harry. He felt detached from the outside exterior. She might have left but had taken his heart with her.

Soon the train left the platform and countryside started flying and Harry reluctantly moved from the door searching for a seat. He didn't wanted to with his friends. He just didn't wanted conversation with them. They just wouldn't understand him. He wanted to be with her. But he just couldn't, what stooped him from going there? She was so very near just easy to reach but so so very far. He just couldn't bear the thought of what if? He couldn't even begin to think about it.

He moved through corridor full people running and jolting. He suddenly felt so very tired and fatigued. He forcefully pushed carriage door that came just next. Bunch of firsties were sitting talking excitedly and nervously. It was full.

"Out" Harry growled menacingly... his eyes had dark underlying to them and he was understand that why was he bothering to himself in the first place.

A brave firsty tried to speak or was it squeak but Harry was pissed. He himself couldn't understand where all this anger was coming from. Why was he behaving so irrationally? Harry just grabbed his collar and hoisted him to eyelevel with dark eyes showing... the firsty probably soiled himself but it didn't matter as there was scamper and compartment emptied in seconds. Harry plopped himself with sigh. his thoughts kept returning to her. Racket annoyed him and wave of the hand door shut with thud and sealed themselves. Harry slouched himself on the seat but it didn't matter as he was not getting any relief or comfortable no matter how recalling the position was. He had prepared himself for this big moment. he had prepared the speech. what he was going to say. what she was going to say. that conversation might have played million time in his mind but... there was a huge if. what if she said...what if she did that… What if she... bas that terrified Harry. He wasn't courageous enough to face that. The alternative scared him and he wasn't ready to face that. not yet.

He needed something to take his mind off. Not his friends, not them something else. Why not change the annual ritual and pay the Slytherins visit this time? He was already flexing his muscles and looking at way to vent some pent-up frustration. And with smile he got up sparks flying from his wands. Ferret was not going to like this twist this time and there was no egging mudblood on his shoulder trying to muzzle him on every step and turn.

He physically pushed people out of his way and he was positively rubbing his hands with glee. He really had no idea in which carriage the ferret would be. How even ferret came to know where he was strange. did he look throughout the train to reach or did he always take some same every carriage every year? Harry had really never paid mind to these small details. He could go looking but what if he stumbled upon her? He stood still. No… Yes…. No…. Why Not... No Damn if? He felt like growling... he wanted to shout in frustration. To just do something... just anything.

What was happening to him? How had he changed so much so suddenly? Why did she occupy everything in his life now? He sure met her lots of time before even that great incident in second year but he wasn't acting this crazy like back then. And what the hell happened to his body. it was acting on its own making decisions and it was like his heart and his brain were in conflicts for every damn thing about her.

Lucky for him Harry spotted the fat sidekick of the ferret. What was his name? But that small detail didn't matter like much like others. Finally, with something to distract himself with constants state of anxiety and gnawing pit.

Harry calmly put his foot just as the door was about to close. Conversation stopped inside and six heads turned to look. There was mild surprise and then the Malfoy sneered. And Harry got something. Finally, he can vent his anger on something. He got the scapegoat for what was happening to him today.

and without saying Harry sprang and punched him in throat. He didn't care how hard he hit there weren't going to be any repercussions and it's not like ferret was going to die. Magic can heal many things even a broken lymph. It was satisfying but Harry swished the other hand with wand springing in his hand. Goyle was sitting far but Crabbe was near and a non-lethal reducto hit him hard. He was out and for long even with magic. Harry fired a racket buster and just shielded himself. Racket buster was a prank charm which was meant for large area where a cracker swirled round with lots of firework. Its firing in close confined space of carriage was going to have disastrous consequences and Harry knew it. The screams of Slytherins desperately trying to protects themselves had a satisfying crunch but somehow it was not enough. And just like that it was over, the thrill the surge of adrenaline. Harry surveyed the scene. They are were badly burnt and bleeding. Malfoy was clutching his throat and gurgling. Crabbe was blissfully unconscious with multiple factures bearing the brunt of reducto up close in face. He was lucky as it was vastly underpowered with intent only to hurt. Others were just hair burnt, cloths half burnt and painful burns. There were screams and painful moans but Harry knew no one was going to come. Merlin bless the silencing charms.

They were not going to name him and even if they did, he dint care. He'll see Snape. Burning fury of hatred and vengeance surged on Snapes existence. It soothed him. took his mind off her. He wished more. Scene of Blaise pathetically whimpering at his feet disgusted him. He opened the door and strode off.

And just like that all the thoughts about her returned. His shoulders shagged visibly under those weights. Her presence was magical. In literal scene and he dint knew why but it just felt like that. And that was his rationale for all the thoughts. His joy was suddenly not complete, something was missing. His first reaction to hearing something great wasnot to jump up and down but to turn seek her and share with her. Her approval was suddenly everything and meant so much. What was this? was this love? was he in love? was it just infuriation or just an attraction? From just a girl somewhere shebecame everything to him and she dint even knew it yet.

Harry was afraid. he was terrified that when they met he'd fail in expressing himself. just howemuch he felt for her and and just how special she was to him. He was afraid that she might just not get him. What was she feeling? Why she wasnt agitated and restless like him. Why was only just he suffering? It just he felt like he was going to get one shot and if he missed, everything was over. What if he was not prepared enough and how much is enough anyways. He wanted to do so much all at once, scream at unfairness of all this, curl in ball and lie down, blast and punch things or just fly in white magical fairy dreamland.

(unfinished — yet to be written —-)