Rifle slung over his shoulder, Harry walked through the tunnel into Frostburn Canyon, snow crunching under his boots as the other Vault Hunters followed behind, the sound of bandits, gunfire, and explosions filling the air as it seemed to always do on Pandora. "Is it sad that this isn't even phasing me anymore?" he looked at Gaige "It's like crickets or cicadas. Noisy as shit but just something that's there and you gotta deal with."
"I was gonna compare bandits to a squirrel infestation, but that actually makes a lot more sense." Gaige frowned as she nodded, Maya and Axton just as flummoxed as they processed how much the weird sentence made sense.
"This is weird." Angel spoke up, her face appearing in his vision as she frowned in perplexion.
"How? Bandits blow each other, and blow each other up, at least five times a day, don't they?" Harry asked before holding up a finger, not even bothering to turn around "And no Axton, that does not mean you get a harem of bandits and bandettes."
"Aaaaaaaaaw." Axton whined with a pout "You're no fun."
"Does that mean that I can-" Sal began hopefully before being cut off.
"ALSO, no!" Harry didn't even need to turn around to feel the two of them sulking as Gaige and Maya laughed at them, Krieg copying his Siren waifu even if he didn't understand what was so funny.
"Anyway!" Angel brought them back to task "The Bloodshot bandit clan seems to be attacking the Firehawk's Lair. They've probably left landmarks for their reinforcements. Those should lead you to the Firehawk."
"Or we could, just, you know…follow the screaming." Harry pointed out, an on-fire bandit flailing as they ran the opposite direction of his fellows and into a pond of ice water.
"Flirt on your own time Captain, we've got a bounty hunter to find." Axton teased as they reloaded their ammo from one of Marcus' many, many, vending machines.
"You don't tell that to Krieg and Maya." He pointed out before realizing he didn't deny that he was flirting with Angel. Something she noticed too if her giggles were any indication.
"Yes, I don't tell the Siren who can rip me apart with her mind, or the Psycho who could probably pull out my spine to use as a toothpick what to do. What a shocker." Axton rolled his eyes.
"You do realize that both Gaige and I know how to turn your turret into a walking death machine right?" he pointed out, the others having seen Gaige do a rush job for that back on the Glacier but apparently didn't realize he could as well.
"Seriously?! Is there nobody I get to pick on safely?!" Axton huffed crankily as they started up the snowy slopes.
"There's Average Joe." Salvador offered his explosion buddy.
"That doesn't count," Axton waved off the notion "dude's so pathetic it'd be like a participation award."
"I hate all of you." Jack seethed as he butted into their ECHO feed once again.
"Step off Vault Hunter!" a new voice butted in as the profile was tagged as someone named 'Flanksteak', "This is between the Bloodshots and the Firehawk! Once my boys bring his ass back to me, he's gonna pay for every Bloodshot he killed! We're gonna string him up from his own freakin' intestines!"
"HEY!" Jack cut off the bandit chief, "Don't interrupt me!"
"Who are you?" Flanksteak's response implied he either had a shitty ECHO that didn't show profile ID's, or he was too stupid to notice them…that that he wasn't sure which it was made it worse.
"Oh, that's Average Joe." Axton spoke up with mock seriousness that went over the bandit's head "He's a huge Handsome Jack fanboy and modeled his whole look after the King Douche of Hyperion himself."
"Why you insolent little-" Jack's angry tirade was cut off by Flanksteak's raucous laughter.
"He's a Handsome Jack fanboy?!" Flanksteak belted out some ugly belly laughs, "That's just sad!"
"Shut up you filthy bandit bitch!" Jack snapped back as the two devolved into a mud slinging contest.
"Hey Angel, if you put them on their own channel and off ours, I'll trade you a picture of Harry in his swimsuit." Gaige offered as everyone winced, the two criminal morons screaming at each other so much they couldn't hear Harry or his friends.
Before he could rebuke his sister for essentially pimping out his image to a cute cyber space girl, said digital knockout grinned eagerly "Done!" Jack and Flanksteak vanished from their feed, "I'll send you an email where you can send the payment later Gaige."
"Nice work lady killer." Maya bumped his shoulder playfully as Harry blushed a nice Gryffindor red, Gaige and Angel both giggling at him.
"Ah, my young pupil." Axton pretended to sniffle as he wiped away a mock tear, "I'm so proud."
"Have you had the talk about the 'Bits and the Bolts'?" Sal grinned happily "You know to use a Firewall every time you want to practice safe Cyber Sex?"
"Kill…me…" Harry groaned, banging his head against a cliff wall, knocking loose a snow drift as it covered him from head to toe with cold powder "Not…one…word." He glared at the cackling band of morons he called his friends.
"Hey there boys." Moxxi smirked at Jessup and Davies, the two privates given perpetual gate guarding duty as they sat just within the city walls, "Got an order of one large Pizza plus a six pack of beer."
"Fuck yes!" Jessup cheered, rubbing his hands together as the man shivered in the snow, "Moxxi you are a goddess amongst women!"
"Don't let your wife hear you say that." Davies chuckles as the two took their food, pulling out the cash to pay her and figuring out what to tip.
"Becky thinks Moxxi's hot too." Jessup protested, "By the way, Becky's birthday's coming up. Think I could get you to give her a birthday treat?" Before she could respond, there was a rustle of wind behind the two soldiers as they turned to see a woman crouching on some barrels, a sword out with the blade pressed into her perch for support and a piercing grey eye staring out from the woman's hood.
"Where…is…Roland?" the woman asked in a dry raspy voice, the red of her blade glistening ominously in the light from two private's garbage fire. The response from the two Crimson Raider privates?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!" they screamed in fright, holding each other as they trembled in terror at the woman who'd snuck up on them.
"Oh, hey Athena." Moxxi waved, "You doin' alright? Your voice sounds kinda dry?"
"Our shuttle was a dry environment coming down from Elpis." The ex-Atlas Assassin answered, ignoring the two trembling soldiers as she leapt down from the barrels and approached Moxxi who offered a bottle of water "Thanks." Athena drained it, whipping her mouth as she looked much less like a murder demoness in proper lighting.
"No problem Sugah." Moxxi smiled to the woman who had been staying on Elpis as a mercenary and trying to keep out of Jack's sight since the Elpis incident, not that Lilith was aware. "So, where's Springs?"
"She has the shuttle outside the walls since she didn't know how to sneak in." Athena shrugged.
"Alright boys, let her in." Moxxi turned to the privates who were thankfully calming down.
"But, um, she doesn't have clearance." Davies shook his head, even as he realized he was hugging Jessup and shoved the other private away.
"Boys, I outrank both of you in this town and you know it." Moxxi shook her head "Let her girlfriend in and I'll keep em with me till Roland comes back." Looking at Jessup Moxxi decided to sweeten the deal "Do it and I'll do that birthday treat for your Becky." The door started to open.
"Jessup?!" Davies gaped at the action.
"Moxxi does outrank us." Jessup shrugged, "With Roland gone, Brick resigned, Lilith dead, and Mordecai out scouting only Zed or Tannis could really countermand her."
"That's…okay that's kinda true." Davies sighed even as Springs brought the shuttle into the city walls.
"Come on girls, you both'll be staying with me." Moxxi smirked to the two, ignoring the privates whose minds went straight to the gutter, "And while there you can tell me why you came back to Pandora."
Stretching out his legs to keep them from falling asleep, Harry idly adjusted his snack as it cooked in the fire, looking forward to his shift at watch being done. A blizzard just HAD to pop up during all of this, pinning their group as well as the bandits in various caves, apart from the Bloodshots that had either ignored the blizzard or failed to find shelter and were likely dead in the canyon at this point. "Hungry?" Angel asked him as he brought up his snack to eat, the AI having kept him company throughout his shift, so he didn't fall asleep.
"Just a bit." He nodded, devouring the piece of meat eagerly.
"Well here's a little pick me up of my own for you 'Captain'." Angel purred as his ECHO pinged, notifying him that he'd received a new image. Opening it up, he choked on his food, pounding his chest to force it down as he saw what Angel had sent him. It was yet another pinup for the 'collection'. This one showed Angel in a more western style outfit, or at least western-ish. She had on tight pants and a corset top paired with an open trench coat, high heeled boots, and a cowgirl hat for flavor. This Angel had a dangerously seductive smirk as she stared at him, twirling a pair of cuffs around her finger while leaning against a board of bounty posters. The caption for this pin up being 'You're at the top of My most wanted, so I'll have to keep you tied up'.
He didn't know how long he sat there, staring slack jawed at the image before he heard the familiar voice of his sister coming from behind him "Hey Harry, what'cha lookin' at?"
"Nothing!" Harry jumped, hastily shoving his ECHO back into his coat and away from where Gaige could see it, "Your shift then? Great! Been all quiet here so good luck!" moving quickly passed his confused sister, Harry retreated to the safety of his tent…CLICK 'Image Saved to Device'
AN: I'm really liking these Omakes. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. As you can tell, this is a very silly story but I'm having fun with it and I hope all of you are too.