33Pushing through the heavy doors to exit the OR, April Kepner slowly yanked off her mask and gloves before removing the gown that covered the rest of her body. It had been an exhausting 5 hours, but she still felt that familiar adrenaline rush kicking in like it did after a successful surgery. Though it had been touch and go there for a little while, she lifted up a silent prayer of thanks that she would get to tell parents that were already mourning the loss of one child, that their daughter had survived the horrendous car wreck that had taken her brother away. It had never been easy operating on children, but since Samuel…since holding him in her arms, however brief it was, it had become so much more difficult to separate the mother part of her from the surgeon. As if on cue, the sudden kick she felt from her baby girl growing inside her brought a tired smile to her face.
It had only been a few weeks since the ultrasound tech had confirmed that she was indeed having a girl so it was still taking some getting used to. No one else outside of Arizona even knew, not even Jackson. There was no logical reason not to tell him, but she kept holding back. The words were on the tip of her tongue last night standing with him in the hospital parking lot, but they just wouldn't come. Maybe her silence was for the same reason she had not wanted to buy anything for this baby yet. Not a crib or a bib or even her first outfit. The last time, having to go back to that apartment and see Samuel's crib sitting there empty along with the tiny outfit she had bought to bring him home in…well, that had almost been the end of her. There was no way she would survive that kind of pain again, so she waited. But as her due date drew closer and the more she felt her daughter moving around inside of her, the old Kepner optimism was slowly beginning to creep back in and she found herself wanting to plan for the future. During a shopping trip the previous weekend she had found herself drawn toward the frilly pink dresses and hair bows that decorated the baby section at the department store. Something she had not allowed herself to do until then. Maybe it was okay to be hopeful now. She was just over 12 weeks from her due date and with each passing day, visions of her life with her baby girl were becoming a little easier to believe.
Rubbing the palms of her hands against her weary eyes, her mind drifted away from her own little girl and back to the one who was about to be wheeled out of an operating room. It was moments like these that reminded her how easily everything could be taken away and the fear once again began to creep in to battle against any hope she had just been feeling. After another unexpected kick from her active baby girl, she began to gently rub comforting circles against the top of her abdomen trying to settle her down. As she made her way slowly down the hall, her feet began to feel every bit of the extra weight her body had gained over the last several months. The hours on her feet in the operating room had taken a toll on her aching legs as well. Just another hour, she kept reminding herself. One more hour and she would be at home and hopefully sleeping blissfully in her soft, cozy bed for at least the next 12 hours. With a late shift tomorrow, she was planning to sleep for as long as her baby girl would allow. But first, she needed to update an anxious family. Normally when the news was good, she would let a resident or an intern do this job for her, but this case was different. These parents were already grieving one child, so she knew that any joy of hearing about their daughter was still be subdued by an overwhelming loss. A loss that she unfortunately knew all too well.
She found them in the waiting room, the mother's tired, red eyes fixated on the wringing hands in her lap. The brokenhearted look on her face was one that April had seen on more than one occasion in the last year staring back at her from the reflection in the mirror. Glancing toward the father, obviously unable to stay still, she watched as he paced the length of the small room from one end to the other and back again. When he turned to start his next lap, he froze in mid-step as his eyes locked with hers. The mother, obviously noticing the change in her husband's movements, followed his gaze to the doorway as well.
"Dr. Kepner?" his voice cracked as he did not move, his feet frozen in place.
Turning back to the mother, she saw the tears that had been brimming at the surface begin to steadily flow down her face. April swallowed hard looking back and forth between the two of them. In that moment, she was in their place, worrying over the fate of a child, wondering if every parent's worst nightmare was coming true. Questioning yourself on what you could have done differently. Blaming yourself for not protecting your child. Knowing that as a parent there would never be a day that you would not worry about the possibility of being in this very place. Tears beaded along her eyelashes as her baby began to kick against her ribs reminding her again that her worrying was just beginning. So she forced a smile to her face in hopes of relieving them of at least some of that pain.
"Emily came through the surgery just fine." Her voice was strained with emotion, so she paused to take a quick breath. She had to remember she was a doctor now. Not a fellow parent. "We had to remove her spleen," she continued, "but we were able to stop the internal bleeding and there was no major injury to any other organs. Dr. Torres placed a pin in her left leg to help stabilize the bone and allow it to heal properly. Emily also has some broken ribs that will take some time to heal, but all things considered, she is going to be just fine. We will keep her here for at least a few days to continue to monitor her, but barring no setbacks, she should make a full recovery."
Having finished sharing the details of their daughter's condition, she watched as the expression on their faces turned from anguish to pure joy in only a matter of seconds. The mother could no longer hold her sobs in as she leapt into her husband's arms. He pulled her close as he wrapped his arms around her, letting his own cries get lost in hers. April bit down on her bottom lip to hold back her own emotions as she watched such an amazing expression of love and grief in that one embrace. She remembered how that felt. Those moments of grief when you think you're going to drown are just as powerful as those moments when you are so happy you think your heart will burst. Having that other person there to anchor you in either of those moments is sometimes the only thing that keeps you standing. But when that anchor isn't there, you have to try to find a way to stand on your own even when it feels like the earth is shifting beneath your feet. There were too many times over the past year that she had longed for him. Her husband. The man who had been her anchor even when she didn't let him be. She was still learning how to stand on her own two feet and there were even days when she felt confident enough in her own strength that she could do this. But in this moment right now, watching the love between these two people who had experienced so many emotions in the past few hours, his absence made her heart ache.
Slowly taking a breath to calm her rattled nerves, she forced her voice to remain steady as they separated and looked back at her with a mixture of tears of joy and grief clouding their eyes. "Emily will be in recovery for about an hour or so and then they'll take her up to the pediatric ICU just to observe her overnight. She'll most likely be moved to a regular room in the morning. You are welcome to go up to the ICU waiting room on the 3rd floor and a nurse will come get you when you can go in to see her."
After many thank yous, hugs and more tears, she led the weary parents to the elevator that would take them to their daughter. The smile stayed on her face as she waved good-bye until they disappeared behind the sliding elevator doors. The moment those doors closed, any adrenaline that had been running through her veins quickly evaporated. With a heavy sigh, she turned her on her heels and headed to the nearest nursing station so she could finish up her notes and happily turn Emily's chart over to someone else for the night. Rolling her head from side to side, she tried to work out the tension that had started to shoot pain up and down her spine.
Tired was nothing new for her. There had been all-nighters cramming for exams in college and med school. There had been the excruciatingly long hours at the hospital when she was an intern and then resident. There had even been the 10+ hour surgeries that she had endured over the years. But this was a whole new level of exhaustion. There didn't seem to be a part of her body that did not ache right now. Memories of Arizona's firm voice from her checkup two days ago began to echo in her head again. As she noted the elevated blood pressure readings, Arizona had very pointedly told her that maybe it was time to start slowing down a bit at work. But work really wasn't the biggest problem. Work was actually the only thing that was keeping her even remotely sane these days. No, it was her personal life that was causing the stress. A baby coming in a matter of months to a mother and father that for most of the past year could barely speak to each other without yelling. Divorced parents and lawsuits and meddling grandparents was what her daughter had waiting for her. She had a front row seat to see the damage that was being done between Callie and Arizona and Sophia was the one who was caught in the middle. She swore that wasn't going to happen to her daughter.
Turning the corner, she tried to turn her thoughts back to her patient and not her incredibly messed up life. She began to replay every step she had taken as well as her initial observations from the time of Emily's arrival in the ER all the way through the just completed surgery. Her feet shuffled along slowly as she checked off the appropriate areas in the chart she held in her hands. Never looking up, she felt herself run face first into a pair of navy blue scrubs. With the apology on her lips, she took a stumbling step back as a pair of hands reached out to steady her. The words stuck in her throat when she looked up into the piercing eyes of her ex-husband. She had not seen him since the night before when he had approached her in the hospital parking lot. While she had initially thought he was coming over to start yet another argument that she didn't have the energy to fight, she soon realized it was actually the complete opposite. Her guard was up so much with him these days that she hated to admit that as he spoke, her first thought was he was trying to manipulate her to get something to use against her in court. But the more he talked and the more she focused on the sincerity in the eyes she loved so much, she realized he was being completely honest with her. And there was truth in what he was saying. Even before she had fallen in love with him, he had been her best friend and the one person that she knew she could always trust. How they had gotten to the point of filing restraining orders and seeking out lawyers was something she still did not quite understand. In that moment though, standing in the middle of the hospital parking lot, she saw her best friend again. The same man she had fallen in love with. As if her daughter knew the sound of her father's voice, the kicks suddenly began to pick up as he talked, almost in a rhythm against her insides. When he had stopped talking and they just stood there staring into each other's eyes, she wanted to say something, but when the words wouldn't come, she did the only thing she knew to do. As she stepped forward and reached for his hand, she saw the flash of confusion cross his face until she gently placed his hand against their baby. The look of pure joy on his face had taken her breath away. After all they had been through, at least for that one moment, they were them again.
"Hey," Jackson whispered, gripping his hand slightly around her elbow to steady her. "You look a million miles away there. Something wrong?"
"Yes, I mean no. Nothing's wrong." She tripped over her words as she tried to ignore the jolt of electricity jumping through her body at the feel of his hand against her skin. Taking a step back to break their contact, she watched as his hand fell back to his side. "I just got of surgery and was working on finishing my post-op notes. Sorry for running into you like that. Guess I wasn't paying attention where I was walking."
"No problem," he replied with a frown. He couldn't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes and the exhaustion that was written so plainly on her face. Though he wanted to tell her that post-op notes could wait and that she should go on home, he stopped himself, knowing she would pretend she was fine when it was clearly obvious she was not. Even during all the arguing they had done in the past year, he couldn't stop himself from worrying about her. And that's why he was here now. He had just finished checking in on one of his own post-op patients when he overheard a couple of interns talking about the kids who had been rushed to the ER after a horrific car accident. As saddened as he was to hear anything so terrible happening to a kid, there was nothing he could do so he was already moving on to his next patient. But then he heard them mention April's name as one of the surgeons and that's all it took for him to head toward the elevator to come down here. He knew how she was when operating on a child and if the outcome wasn't good, he worried how she would handle it. He just couldn't let her know that. "So how was the surgery? Things go well?"
"Yeah," she nodded as a slight smile returned to her face thinking of the parents she had just left behind. "Things went really well in fact. It was an 8-year-old girl who had been in a car accident with her 10 year old brother and babysitter. Internal bleeding was controlled pretty quickly and only minor injuries elsewhere. It's a miracle her injuries were not any worse than they were given what the EMTs told us about the scene."
"That's great news. So what about her brother?" He glanced back down the hallway as if he expected to see a gurney being rolled past them at any minute. When she was quiet, his eyes fell back to her. "Is he still in surgery?"
Feeling the sting of tears rushing to the surface, she looked away, with only a sad shake of her head.
"I'm sorry, April," he whispered tenderly as his hand reached for her. He caught himself though and instead clinching his fingers into a fist. Quickly crossing his arms against his chest, he tucked his hands away to resist the urge to touch her. While it was instinct to reach for her when she was upset, he reminded himself that he had lost the right to do that the instant he signed the divorce papers. It still didn't stop the pain he felt seeing her upset. "I know how hard it is, especially when it's a kid. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She forced herself to look back up at him with a strained smile, knowing she was completely lying to him. She was anything but fine these days. "It's been a little crazier than usual for a Thursday night. I'm just going to finish up this chart and then head home for the night."
"That's good," he nodded, a hint of relief washing over his face. Before he could stop himself, he verbalized his worries. "You look a little tired."
Not wanting to admit how right he was, she changed the subject back to him. "So what are you doing down here? Did you just finish up a surgery?"
"No, I mean, I just…" He let out a breath as his hand nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He couldn't even think of a good lie to tell her, so he didn't even try. "Honestly, I heard about the kid that came into the ER and I knew you were in the surgery so I just wanted to come check and see how things went." And check on you, he left out.
Got off guard by his admission that his being here was not a coincidence, she felt something flutter in her stomach and this time, it wasn't the baby. "Oh, well, like I said, she's doing really well. Hopefully she won't even need physical therapy, but Callie will know more once she reexamines her tomorrow. Her parents should be with her now." Her voice trembled slightly as her thoughts drifted back to the brother again. One child saved. One child lost. God has a reason and a plan, she reminded herself. She truly believed that, even when it didn't make sense. Even when a young boy who had his whole life ahead of him was lying in an autopsy room. Even when her own baby boy drew his first and last breaths in her arms within the span of minutes. Even when the man she loved more than anything was standing in front of her and she couldn't even touch him. Trying to make sense of any of that only made her heart ache that much more, but her faith helped her keep putting one foot in front of the other. That was the only way she could survive.
"I'm glad the surgery went well." Jackson's voice broke through the sudden silence as he noticed she seemed to be drifting again. "So, guess I'll leave you to your post-op notes." His mind kept telling him to turn around and walk away from her and this conversation before he said something he shouldn't. But looking at the exhaustion still painting her beautiful face, it was his worry for her that kept his feet from moving. Before he even knew what he was saying he was offering to take her home. "I mean if you're too tired to drive home, it's no problem to drop you off at the apartment. It's on my way anyway."
For a moment, her knees felt weak and she reached out to discreetly grab the edge of the nearby nurse's desk to steady herself. "Thanks, but I'm fine," she replied, unconvincing even to her own ears. "I don't have that much more to do here and then I'll be fine to drive home." Looking up, she could have sworn she saw a quick flash of disappointment cross his face before he quickly looked away. "Thank you though. It was sweet of you to offer."
"It's no big deal." He shrugged, trying to downplay his gesture as nothing more than what he would do for a friend. It was more to it than that though and he could not deny that. As much as he tried to pretend that he wasn't concerned about her, one look at her and he had to wonder how she was still standing upright. "Just don't stay too much longer, okay? You need to get home and get some sleep."
"Jackson…" she sighed. She wanted to argue that she could take care of herself, but was cut short when the nearby elevator doors came flying open revealing Dr. Hunt and a half dozen others frantically pushing a gurney toward an operating room while he shouted orders. When he spotted April, he stopped long enough to direct his shouting toward her.
"Kepner! We've got multiple GSWs and he's bleeding out. Grey and Riggs have the next one coming right behind us so I need you in OR2 with me now!" Without waiting for her response, the gurney sped down the hall until it was out of sight.
Without hesitating, April quickly turned on her heels to follow the path they had just taken, but before she could take two steps, she felt herself being pulled back. Snapping her head around, she saw Jackson's fingers latched around her upper arm, holding her tight. His eyes held a seriousness that he normally reserved for the hospital boardroom. "Someone else can do it, April."
It took her a second to overcome her surprise at the sudden fiercely overprotective tone in his voice. It had been quite some time since she had heard that from him, at least in regards to her. Though she wanted to be angry at him for holding her back, there was something about the way he was looking at her that made her soften her response.
"I am a trauma surgeon, Jackson, and right now there is a patient that needs me in that operating room." She paused hoping her appeal was reaching the doctor in him instead of the apparently worried father-to-be. "I'm okay, I promise. But I have to go."
She felt his grip slacken just enough for her to slide her arm away from him. With a brief nod and a forced smile on her face, she retreated toward the operating room. His eyes followed her until she rounded the corner at the end of the hall and the last glimpse of her red hair drifted out of his sight.
Slamming his fist against the nearby wall, he cursed himself for being so stupid. What did he think he was doing? Ever since the day in the lawyer's office when they had ended their marriage, they had not crossed paths all that much, at least not in any kind of cordial way. They had been best friends long before they had fallen in love and for so long she had been the one person he wanted to see every day. Since the divorce they had each been doing their best to avoid one another so there had been very little interaction. Slowly, day by day, he was feeling like the pieces of his life were getting put back together. He had even thought about asking out the new oncology nurse who always seem to find a reason to cross paths with him. At first, he wouldn't let himself consider dating, but he was a single guy now, so why shouldn't he. There was nothing holding him back. Except for the fact that he was overridden with guilt at the mere thought of being intimate with someone other than April. He kept trying to convince himself that he had no reason to feel guilty. She was the one who left him, not once, but twice. They were divorced and he had to move on at some point, so why not now. After a couple of weeks of the ongoing internal debate, he had almost convinced himself to do it. But then he found out April was pregnant and everything changed.
Since the revelation of her pregnancy, there had been more arguing, mostly involving the baby and his role in their child's life. He had been angry at her for so long, but something had changed last night. He had been in his office going through all of the legal papers, pouring over every word to find a way to make his case for custody stronger, he was struck by a sudden overwhelming sense of loss. Not just of losing his son, but losing the life he had planned for. So many memories came rushing back…from Mercy West to San Francisco, from a non-wedding in a barn to a real wedding in Lake Tahoe, and finally from holding their newborn son in their joined arms to signing their names to divorce papers. So much happiness and so much loss had led them to where they had found themselves. That's when he realized he had to find her. Exiting the hospital to get to his car, he had seen that brilliant flash of red hair just ahead of him in the parking lot. One look at her face and the words just started to flow. They had lost their way, but last night something seemed to shift between them. The moment she placed his hand over their child and he felt the life that was growing inside her, he realized then that no matter what happened next, he was going to find some way to keep her in his life as more than a distant stranger.
Coming back to reality, he was picturing her exhausted face when he realized that while he could not drag her out of the OR, the least he could do was keep an eye on her from above in the observation room. Up there he could stay out of sight and she would be none the wiser. He took off down the hall, making his way into the observation room where he found a handful of interns seated toward the back, apparently more interested in the latest gossip they were exchanging than the surgery going on down below. Another was sitting on the front row with glasses perched high up on her narrow face while she furiously typed away at the iPad in her hand. She paused for a brief moment when she caught a glimpse of him sitting down a few seats from her. There was little acknowledgment of his presence before her attention was back on the surgeons down below as she resumed her furious note taking.
He let out a quiet sigh as he leaned forward with his elbows pressed into the tops of his knees. From this vantage point, he had a clear view of April as she entered the room to join Hunt who had already made the first cut as he stood on the other side of the table. Two more hours passed and they didn't seem to be any closer to wrapping this surgery up. There were a couple of touch and go moments when the patient had gone into v-fib, but each time April had managed to get him back despite his weak vitals. Watching her work, he was a bit surprised at the ease at which she handled herself. He really had not had the opportunity to see her in the operating room since she came back from Jordan. She had always been an amazing surgeon, but he had to admit to himself that whatever she had encountered over there had helped her become even better.
As they began to reach hour three, the muscles in his back began to scream at him after sitting in the same position for so long. Standing to stretch and move around in the limited space of the observation room, he turned his back to the window just long enough to close his eyes and tilt his head from side to side in an attempt to stretch the tense muscles in his neck. It was in that moment when he heard an audible gasp coming from the direction of the attentive note taking intern sitting to his right. His eyes popped open to see if she was okay. He found her leaning toward the window with a panicked look on her face as she looked down into the operating room. Assuming the patient had taken another turn for the worse, he quickly followed her gaze just in time to see April stumbling backwards and toward the floor. In an instant, he was flying out the door and racing down the steps toward the operating room as fast as his aching legs would take him. He stopped short when he reached the outside of the operating room seeing Alex and a 1st year resident he didn't recognize helping her sit down on the edge of gurney that was in the hallway. He could feel his heart pounding against his chest when they stepped slightly back and he saw April remove her surgical mask and lean forward with her head in her hands.
"April!" he shouted, rushing toward her. At the sound of his voice, they all looked up at him in surprise as he approached. When his eyes landed on her face, his heart constricted with fear as he saw how pale she was. "What happened?" he demanded, shouldering his way past the men to get to her. "Did you fall?"
"I caught her before she hit the floor," the unknown resident informed him quickly as April remained noticeably quiet. "I saw her start to stumble and made it over to her in time. Dr. Hunt instructed me to bring her out here immediately and page OB," he rushed out in one breath. "I'm Steve Peterson, by the way, Dr. Avery. I'm a 1st year and I've heard so many wonderful things about you and…" Jackson turned to him slowly with a look that told him it was time to stop talking. "Um, should I call someone or do I need to take her directly to maternity?"
"I'm fine," April finally spoke up, throwing her hands up in frustration. "I just got a little dizzy so no need for everyone to overreact. And I wasn't going to fall, okay? I lost my balance for one second so it's not a big deal. If you all will excuse me, I have a surgery I need to finish."
Pressing her hands down against the edge of the gurney, she quickly slid herself forward so her feet could reach the floor. Before she could even take two steps, she felt the room spinning again and her knees started to buckle. It was Jackson who reached out to her this time, wrapping his arms around her waist to catch her. Carefully leaning her back down on the gurney, he quickly pressed two fingers against the side of her neck feeling for her pulse.
"Listen, Kepner, you aren't going anywhere," Alex insisted as he saw the panic in Jackson's eyes. "You can't even stand right now, much less perform surgery. I just finished my last surgery of the night, so I'll go scrub in and give Hunt a hand, okay? You just take care of whatever is going on with you."
When April nodded in agreement instead of continuing her argument, Jackson's felt the worry settle in the pit of his stomach. He knew her well enough to know that if she was conceding to not finishing a surgery, then she must have thought something was wrong. He was startled when he felt her clammy fingers clutch at his wrist as he continued to measure her pulse. As Alex and resident Steve made their way back toward the operating room, Jackson gently reached forward and brushed a stray hair behind her ear to give him a clearer view of her face. "Your heart is racing," he whispered worriedly. "Are you in any pain?" She slowly shook her head no before she had to close her eyes again to block out the still spinning room. Her hand gripped his arm even tighter as if she was trying to anchor herself to something solid.
"Is there something I can do?"
Jackson turned around to find the astute front row intern from the observation room standing behind him. She must have followed him down when he bolted out of there. He had left in such a hurry that he hadn't even noticed anyone was following him.
"Yes, you can actually. Page 911 to Dr. Arizona Robbins and tell her to come to the post-op exam room by OR3." She nodded quickly as she headed toward the nearby phone hanging on the wall behind them. Jackson turned his attention back to April. "You think you can stand?"
Though she mumbled a yes as she let him pull her to her feet, he still practically carried her down the hall with one arm wrapped tightly around her waist. Once they reached the exam room, without even thinking, his free hand reached forward to grab hers as he helped her lay back. Instantly, he felt her entwine her fingers through his. As her body stilled, he continued to scan her face looking for any sign of distress as she looked anywhere but at him. They both remained silent as similar thoughts plagued both of their minds. The last time they were in an exam room like this, their lives fell apart. It was hard not to think it could be happening all over again.
Suddenly Arizona came bursting into the room. "I was just finishing up with a patient when I got the page," she exhaled quickly, her eyes jumping between the two of them before focusing on April. "What happened?"
"I was experiencing some light headedness and dizziness with heart palpitations," April whispered quietly, her voice still a bit shaky.
"Any cramps or pain of any kind?" Arizona questioned, shifting promptly into doctor mode.
April shook her head no as she consciously avoided looking up at Jackson who stood quietly by her side, his fingers flexing nervously against her hand. She was trying to be strong and stay positive, but one look at the worry she knew she would find in his eyes and she would fall apart. While they may not have shared many moments thus far bonding over this baby, she could not stop remembering last night. The pure joy on his face or the way his voice caught in his throat as he stated the obvious that this baby could kick. After never having that same opportunity with Samuel, feeling their child kick was almost like a sign that this time, this baby, would be okay. No matter if they could fix them or not, she thought at least they would have the chance to watch their child grow up. But now she couldn't help but fear they never would.
Working quickly, Arizona wrapped a blood pressure cuff around April's arm and stared intently at the gauge, frowning as the numbers finally registered. Slipping the cuff back off, she shifted her stethoscope to April's abdomen, moving it around until she could detect the baby's heartbeat. Jackson continued to keep his eyes on Arizona, waiting for the worried look to disappear from her face so he could breathe again. However, there was no change in her expression as she finally slipped the stethoscope from her ears, slinging it back around her neck.
Looking down at her friend with a less than enthusiastic look, Arizona sighed quietly. "Well, the good news is the baby's heartbeat is nice and strong." Jackson finally let himself exhale in relief as he heard April whisper a quiet thank you. "But," Arizona interrupted their brief moment of reprieve. "Your blood pressure is even higher than it was at your appointment last week. So I'm guessing you haven't been cutting back on the workload like we talked about."
"I have been doing better," April protested. "I've made adjustments everywhere I could. I take more breaks during the day and get off my feet whenever I can. I've even had some of the interns running labs upstairs for me."
"Those are all good things, but I happen to know you were at the hospital before 9:00 this morning and what time is it now? April, 12-hour shifts were fine when you were a resident and they are even fine as an attending, but not when you are 6 months pregnant and already under way too much stress."
It felt like a kick to the stomach when he heard the words high blood pressure. Though he wanted to be angry that April hadn't told him about it, in truth he knew he had no business being upset with her about that. It's not like he had really been that involved with this pregnancy or even asked her how she was doing. Allowing his anger over her hiding this pregnancy from him in the beginning, he had kept himself disengaged, only occasionally asking her how the baby was doing, but never asking about her.
As he continued to listen to the two women banter back and forth over whether or not April was doing enough to protect her health, he couldn't help the wave of guilt that swept over him. He thought of all the arguments they'd had over the last several months, including his ill-advised threat of fighting her for custody. Not once did he think about the possibility of the added stress on her. And now he finds out that she has high blood pressure, which he was sure he had most definitely contributed to.
His silence didn't go unnoticed by April as tears began to fill her eyes. Without realizing he was beating himself up, she could only think he was silently blaming her for putting their child at risk. And he would be right. It was her job to take care of their baby and now here she was doing just the opposite. Turning her head away from him, she felt Arizona reach down to squeeze her hand in sympathy.
"Listen, you are a kick ass doctor and I know life is a bit crazy for you right now, but you need to start taking better care of yourself, okay? A healthy mama and a healthy baby is what we all want right now."
Despite her best attempts to hold the tears at bay, they began tumbling down her face as she pulled her hands away from both of them. "I'm sorry," she whispered, quickly covering her face to muffle the sobs that quietly filled the room.
Jackson wasn't sure if the apology was to him or Arizona or even to their unborn child, but regardless, the pain in her voice ripped at his heart. He felt the sting of his own tears as he reached down to rest his hand against the top of her head, his fingertips tenderly running through her hair. "Hey, it's okay," he whispered with an unsteady voice. "Everything is going to be okay." As he spoke, she finally looked back at him with red, weary eyes. The fear he saw there broke his heart. What he would give to take all of this away from her. The hurt, the pain, the anger, all of it. Gently he reached over to wipe the remaining tears away as his hands caressed her face.
Arizona hesitated watching the two of them together. If she ever had any doubt how much these two loved each other, there was none now. "I imagine low blood sugar may be a factor here as well, but I want to run some further tests just to make sure," she spoke, breaking the silence in the room and drawing their attention back to her. "As long as you take it easy and avoid stress, you and the baby should be just fine." Her reassurance seemed to ease some of the anxiety she saw on both of their faces. "We're going to draw some blood and then I want you to go home and take it easy for a few days. And don't worry, I will tell Owen that you are staying out per my orders, okay? He'll manage the ER without you for a few days."
April gave her a slight nod as she slipped out of the room to get everything she needed for the blood draw. Glancing back at Jackson, she saw him wipe his own tears against the shoulder of his lab coat. Catching her looking at him, he reached for her hand again, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Before either could say anything, Arizona was already back in the room. As Arizona quickly inserted the needle in April's arm, she gripped Jackson's hand a bit harder, closing her eyes when she felt the sting of the needle breaking the skin. No many how many times she had drawn blood from her own patients, she still couldn't watch it being done to her.
After several vials of blood were drawn, Arizona quickly wrapped a small bandage around her arm to cover the site of the needle stick. "I'll get the lab to put a rush on these and I promise I will let you know as soon as I have anything. In the meantime, I was serious about taking it easy. Take a long weekend and if you're up to it, maybe come back on Monday. But no more 12-hours shifts, okay? I want you to monitor your blood pressure at home and if it gets any higher or if you have pain of any kind, you call me immediately." She gave April a reassuring smile as she promised she would. "Oh, I meant to tell you," she hesitated as she headed toward the door, pointing toward a bag on the floor. "I had an intern bring your things down from the locker room so you could go straight home."
April could only mutter a quiet "thanks" as Arizona exited and closed the door behind her. Pulling her hand away from him, she sat up hastily and swung her legs over the opposite side of the bed. Jackson quickly raced around the bed and reached forward, grabbing her arm to help steady her once her feet hit the floor. "I'm good," she whispered, allowing herself a quick upward look at him.
Something inside of him was telling him to step back and let go of her arm, but he remained still, his hand not moving as they continued looking at one another. Seconds that seemed like minutes passed before she finally broke the contact and moved around him toward the door, picking up her bag on the way out.
"Wait," he called after her, causing her to stop abruptly in the doorway. "Let me take you home." Turning around, he saw the surprise in her expression as he continued to explain. "You're exhausted, April, and you almost passed out right in front of me. I'd rather you not be behind the wheel right now. Let me take you home and I'll bring you back to work on Monday if you are feeling up to it and you can get your car then."
The knot in his stomach grew as he stood there waiting for her to make some kind of response. He half expected her to reject his offer, which if he had to admit, he wouldn't blame her if she did. But he was determined to win this one. Watching her stumbling backwards toward the ground in the OR was playing on a constant loop in his mind. Just the thought of her having another dizzy spell when she was behind the wheel or even when she was home alone completely terrified him.
April stood there waiting for her mouth to form the words her mind was telling her to say, but for some reason they were stuck in her throat. For months all she had wanted was to have him touching her like he had today and at the end of the day to have them going home together. He was just offering out of concern for their baby, she told herself. Nothing more. Once they were back at the apartment, he would do the noble thing and make sure she was settled in for the night and then he would leave…again. She knew that and yet she still wanted to be near him.
"April, please?"
The pleading in his voice finally broke her. Swallowing against the emotion that was rising in her throat, she couldn't find the words to respond to him, so she just simply shook her head yes.
Sighing in relief, Jackson quickly led her down the long corridor toward the parking lot before she inevitably changed her mind. Her body tensed when she felt his hand brush against the small of her back several times as they walked. It was something he had done on many occasions when they were together, probably something he did not even realize he was doing. She did realize it though and his touch was making it difficult for her to breathe. This was a mistake. She should have never agreed to let him take her home. She was about to open her mouth to verbalize those very thoughts when a wave of nausea hit her out of nowhere. Now it seemed like their daughter was going to take her father's side. Slowly inhaling through her nose, she fought the urge to vomit all over his shoes. Feeling the nausea starting to dissipate, she knew she was way too tired to drive herself across the parking lot, much less the 15 minutes it would take her to drive home. Reluctantly she kept her mouth shut and let him continue to lead her to his car. Thankfully being the head of a hospital had its perks because he was parked on the front row as they exited through the automatic doors into the parking lot. Moving toward the passenger's side first, he opened the car door for her stood close by as if he expected her legs to give out before she could slide her body into the passenger seat. Once he must have assured himself that she was securely inside, he closed the door shut and hurriedly made his way around to the driver's side.
The drive home was mostly in silence except for the soft strains of the music coming from his radio. Despite her best efforts to stay awake, the exhaustion caught up with her as her head drifted toward the window, her heavy eyes finally closed. Jackson kept one eye on the road and the other on her as he carefully maneuvered the streets towards her apartment. Technically his name was still on the lease, so it was his apartment too, but he was the one who had decided to leave when she wouldn't. Honestly, he couldn't see himself living there without her, so it was just as well. She had agreed to pay the rent herself when he moved out and they had not really talked about it enough for him to know what her plans were when the lease was up in a couple of months. While there was enough room there for her and the baby, he couldn't help but remember the last time he had been in the room that was supposed to be their son's. The end result had been a completely destroyed crib and stiches in his arm. In his visits to the apartment over the past year, the door had always been closed so he didn't know what state it was in now. He wasn't sure if April was going to be able to decorate that room again with the memory of what they had been through filling every corner. Maybe she was already looking for a new place. Honestly, he had had no idea what she was planning. It was hard to deny that the thought of her planning a life for her and their baby without him in it made his heart hurt.
Finally pulling into an empty space near the familiar walkway that lead to the apartment, he shifted the car into park. Slipping the seatbelt loose from around his arm, he turned to April who obviously was unaware that the car had stopped moving. He heard her soft, deep sigh that he recognized immediately as the indication that she was fast asleep. He wished there were some way to get her inside without waking her, but he knew if he tried to carry her, he would never hear the end of it. So instead he gently brushed the back of his fingers against her cheek, trying to wake her up without startling her. Despite his best intentions, she jumped almost immediately as if his touch had burned her. Eyes wide, she stared back at him in confusion before turning to look out the front windshield. Once she realized they had arrived at the apartment, she reached blindly for the door handle behind her.
Pausing long enough to turn back to him, she lifted her eyes to find him watching her. "Thank you for the ride home, Jackson."
He knew he needed to stay something, but he wasn't quite sure what that was. He just knew he wasn't ready to be separated from her yet. "It's late, so let me walk with you to the door," he suggested.
Her mouth opened to most likely protest, but he didn't give her a chance as he pushed his door open and jumped out of the car. Heading in her direction to help her out, she was already out of the car and on her feet with her bag slung over her arm. Following her up the well-lit walkway, he waited behind her when they reached the door as she dug through her purse looking for her keys. Sliding the key into the lock and pushing on the door, she made her way inside with him on her heels. Watching her place the keys on the hook by the door, he felt a lump in his throat at the memory of how many times he had seen her do the same thing. At least some things did not change.
Setting her bag down on the kitchen table, she turned back around, surprised he didn't seem to be making any attempt to leave yet. "So, uh, thanks again for the ride."
By the look on her face, he knew she was expecting him to say goodnight and leave. And that's probably what he should do. After everything she had been through tonight, the last thing she needed was to have him hanging around in her way. She had been on her own for months now and handled this pregnancy so far without him. She was a strong, independent woman, not to mention an incredible doctor, who was more than capable of taking care of herself. Those were all legitimate reasons to say good night and walk out the door. But he couldn't do it. Though it had been hours since he had watched her falling in the OR, the moments that followed continued to play on a loop in his mind. It wasn't rationale and she would most likely fight him on it, but there was no way he was walking out that door tonight. Somehow he had to convince her to let him stay so he started with the only thing that popped into his brain.
"I'm assuming with back-to-back surgeries that you didn't have time for dinner," he began innocently. "And Arizona said your low blood sugar may have contributed to your dizziness. I know it's late, but you need to eat so I can make you something or order takeout if you want."
"I'm really not that hungry," she responded with a tired sigh. "I think I just want to take a shower and go to bed."
"But you need to eat something, April," he continued to try to persuade her. "Why don't you go take a shower and I'll see what I can find in the kitchen?"
"Jackson, you don't have to do that," she argued just as he had expected. "It was nice of you to bring me home, but I'm fine. There's no need for you to stay."
Before he could stop himself, he heard the words coming out of his mouth. "But I want to stay." She looked back at him in disbelief, unable to form a response. "Look, April, I know you can take care of yourself, but you've had a long day and I'd like to stay, at least until we know for sure that everything is okay with you and the baby. I can sleep on the couch and you won't even know I'm here."
She wanted to tell him no. In fact, there was a part of her that needed to tell him no. He had shut her out for so long and the months of arguing had completely drained her, but she had found a way to manage on her own. Tonight was certainly an exception to that, but she had learned her limits and would never let herself to get this point again. It had taken her months to realize, but she could do this without him. She did not need him. But the truth was it wasn't about need. It never had been. She wanted him here and right now she didn't have the energy to pretend otherwise.
"Okay," she agreed reluctantly for the second time tonight. "There's some leftover soup and pasta salad in the refrigerator, so help yourself if you want. I'll try to eat a little something once I'm finished with my shower."
Shocked that he had not had to do more convincing to get her to let him stay, he could only nod his head as he watched her walk toward the bathroom. Standing still for another moment, he waited until he heard the shower start. As it did, he was suddenly assaulted by memories of other activities that had occurred over the years in that same shower.
Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly, shaking those images from his mind. The last thing he needed right now was to let his mind wander down that road.
As he made his way to the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator door in search of the leftovers she had mentioned. The plastic containers he found on the bottom shelf were more than enough for the both of them tonight, but the selection was pretty limited after that. As he looking in the nearby pantry, he noticed the shelves were rather bare as well. Leaning around to look at the other side of the refrigerator, he couldn't help but smile as he saw the familiar grocery list in its usual place. Tearing the list off the notepad, he folded it in half to slip it in his pocket while making a mental note to add a trip to the grocery store to his agenda tomorrow.
Moving on autopilot, he opened the cabinet door he knew held the dishes when it suddenly pulled off the broken hinge. He silently cursed the maintenance man who now, over a year later, had yet to fix it. He should have just taken care of it himself months ago. After adding a trip to the hardware store to his mental list, he was pulling the dishes out of the cabinet when it hit him. What was he doing? He didn't live here anymore, yet between grocery store lists and plans to fix broken cabinet doors, he was acting as if he did. Maybe it was because being here again, so late at night waiting for April to finish a shower…all of it was so familiar. For a brief moment it almost felt like they were back to the days just after they were married, back when everything was right in his world. But the truth was those days were a lifetime ago. So much had happened between them since then that it didn't even feel like they were the same people anymore.
Broken out of his trance by the sound of the shower being turned off, he quickly grabbed a plate to spoon out half of the remaining pasta salad and then poured a generous helping of the soup he knew she loved into a bowl to heat it in the microwave. He knew he would be lucky if she ate even half of what he was giving her, but at this point he would take whatever he could get as long as she got something in her system.
Exiting the bathroom wrapped in her favorite fluffy robe that barely reached all the around her these days, she stopped at the edge of the living room. Leaning against the door frame, she watched him in silence as he busied himself around the kitchen. He was as methodical in his actions preparing dinner for her as he was doing a facial reconstruction in the OR. In that moment, a wave of love for him came rushing over her so fast and so strong that she was sure her heart was going to burst. Despite her best efforts, she couldn't stop the memories from their life together. So many nights together in this apartment, both good and bad, but the one constant was how much they loved each other. She only wished that was enough.
"Hey," he smiled when he looked up to find her standing there. "I was just finishing up. I may have heated the soup a little too much, so it needs to cool a bit." Balancing a plate and bowl in his hands, he walked around the kitchen counter toward the table to set them down before pulling a chair out for her to sit. When he noticed she wasn't behind him, he turned back around, surprised to see her still standing at the edge of the room. "You said you would try to eat something, right?"
Swallowing hard around the lump in her throat, her voice was a bit strained. "Sure, I'll try."
He thought she seemed a bit unsteady when she finally made her way over, all the while avoiding eye contact with him. Before she could sit down, he put his hand out to stop her as he gently lifted her chin toward him with the tips of his fingers. He became concerned when he saw the film of tears that made her eyes shine. "You okay?"
This was so much harder than she had expected. For months she had wanted this. She had wanted him here, making her dinner and worrying about her when she had had a bad day. It would have been like it was before when she was pregnant. He would worry about her skipping breakfast or not eating enough protein. He would go on grocery store runs in the middle of the night when she was craving the macadamia chocolate chip ice cream that she couldn't seem to live without. And at night, alone in bed with just the two of them, he would rub her back, her feet or anything else that ached from growing a baby inside her small body. But she didn't have any of that this time around. No matter how much she wished for it.
"Yeah," she forced a weak smile. "I'm just tired, that's all."
He doubted she sounded convincing even to her own ears, but he let her answer slide as she carefully sat down in the chair he had pulled out for her. Once he made sure she was settled, he rounded the table to take a seat facing her. Stabbing his fork blindlessly at the pasta salad on his plate, he continued to watch her as she brought a spoon full of soup to her lips, blowing on it softly to cool it before finally swallowing. Even though she was obviously making a conscience effort to avoid looking back at him, he could still see the dark circles under her eyes. As much as he wanted her to eat, he wanted just as much for her to finally get some rest.
As they continued to eat in silence, it was obvious that neither of them were really in the mood for small talk. Of course, even if they had been, neither would have known what to talk about. Gone were the days when conversation was so easy between them.
Much to his disappointment, while she did manage to eat a few bites of the pasta salad, she mainly just pushed it around with her fork. After a just a few more sips of soup, she slid her plate away. "I think I'm going to go to bed. You can just leave the dishes and I'll get them in the morning."
"No, that's fine," he responded quickly, pushing himself back from the table. "It's no problem. I'll clean up here."
"There are linens in…"
"The hall closet," he finished for her. "I remember."
"Right," she cleared her throat, trying to keep her emotions in check. "So I guess I'll just see you in the morning."
He wasn't sure if she was asking him if he'd still be here in the morning or just making a comment, but he made sure to nod his head in agreement before watching her disappear down the hall. When he heard the bedroom door click closed, he finally let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. It had been an incredibly long and emotionally draining day. Not even 24 hours ago he had left his rather plain, boring apartment for what he thought was going to be another routine day at work. Nothing about this day had been routine though.
After cleaning up the dishes that remained on the table, he opened the closet door to grab a pillow and blanket that she still kept on the top shelf. Bringing the blanket up to his nose, he inhaled its sweet familiar fragrance. There were many nights as they lay on the couch after work watching a movie that she would complain about being cold until he got up and pulled this very blanket out of the closet. She obviously had not broken that habit even when he wasn't there to get it for her.
Throwing the pillow down on the couch, he made himself lie down though he wasn't sure how much sleep he would actually get. Thankfully tomorrow was a Friday which was normally a slow day for him. There was nothing on his schedule so he had planned to make it an office day to finish up some board related paperwork. Skipping out on that certainly did not break his heart. Of course, who knew what the morning would hold. For all he knew, April would kick him out as soon as she woke up. Or maybe he could offer to get her breakfast since she obviously did not have anything here in the apartment. While he was out, he could pick up a few essentials at least for her at the grocery store and the hardware store to get what he needed to fix the broken cabinet door. Then if Arizona had not called back yet with the lab results, he could always swing by the hospital to help speed the lab along.
With a groan, he rubbed at this tired eyes. At the rate his mind was going, there was no chance of sleep. Trying to still his racing mind, he pulled the blanket up to his face again and inhaled slowly. That familiar scent began to calm him and after a few minutes, his body began to relax and the exhaustion finally overtook him as he eyes drifted closed.
It didn't take long for the dreams to start up. They had plagued him on and off for the past year in different capacities, but the one constant was always April. One dream would have an exploding ambulance, another, a deranged patient with a gun roaming the hospital. Events that had been very real, only with a much more gut wrenching outcome for him. There were also the dreams that had haunted him during the year she was in Jordan of the Humvee she was in getting uprooted by a roadside bomb or a barrage of guns pointed at her by an enemy he could never see. But over the last few weeks, his dreams had started to sway back and forth between April and some faceless child that he held in his arms much the way he had held his son. Suddenly the baby would be snatched out of his arms and he would hear April's screams pleading with him to do something. His legs never seemed to be able to move though as if his feet were stuck in cement while April would keep asking him why he would not save their child. Tonight's dream had April in a hospital with him by her side, holding her hand as she screamed through each contraction that ripped through her body. In a matter of seconds, the dream shifted to the cries of a newborn mixed with the image of April lying motionless on the floor of the operating room in a pool of blood. Fighting his way to her in every dream, he never got to her in time. No matter what he did, it was never enough.
April had been woken up by the nightly ritual of her daughter's kickboxing routine against her bladder. The path between her bed and the bathroom was so common these days she could walk it with her eyes closed. On most nights she would easily fall back to sleep once she crawled back into bed. Tonight was one of the other kind of nights though as she found herself staring at the ceiling, her mind having no intention of slowing down enough to let her fall back asleep. It wasn't long before her growling stomach reminded her that she had not had much to eat in the past 24 hours. She knew her options in the kitchen were limited due to her procrastination of making the grocery store trip she sorely needed. Thankfully she had the leftovers from two nights ago still in the fridge when Jackson asked about them. The thought of him suddenly brought back the reminder that he was here, sleeping in the next room. The past 24 hours had been one emotional rollercoaster after another and having him here was certainly not helping her get those emotions back under control. She couldn't let herself go down that road again though. Starting to rely on his presence only to have him walk away again would break her and she wasn't sure she could recover from that a second time.
Though her daughter usually settled down once she crawled back into bed, tonight she had decided it was time to play. The incessant kicking along with another growl from her stomach and April finally relented. Climbing out of bed, she started toward the kitchen.
Tiptoeing down the hall, she hesitated as she passed by the living room, taking a quick peek in to see him sleeping soundly on the couch. She felt a twinge in her heart seeing her favorite blanket wrapped around him as memories of them under that blanket together came rushing back. Shaking those thoughts from her head, she continued her trek toward the kitchen. Rummaging through the pantry as quietly as she could, her fingers landed on a box nestled toward the back behind a handful of cans she probably needed to throw out. Squinting through the darkness to read the label on the box in her hands, she felt a moment of unadulterated bliss when she discovered it was her favorite chocolate chip cookies that had been her main source of pregnancy cravings the past month. It wasn't exactly the nutrition she knew she needed, but it would at least stop her stomach from growling.
She was making her way back to her bedroom when she heard him call her name. All of a sudden she felt like a three-year-old who had been caught sneaking cookies after bedtime. Turning back toward the couch, she was ready to defend herself when she noticed his eyes were still closed. As she moved closer toward the couch, she saw the wetness of tears trailing down his face and realized then that he must be dreaming. He was still saying her name, but there was something in his voice that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. His entire body started to move as if he was trying to get away from something or someone. Without thinking, she kneeled to the floor so she was eye level with him and laid her hand against his face trying to wake him.
"Jackson, wake up," she continued to lightly pat his face. "Come on, Jackson, you're just having a nightmare. You need to wake up."
Without warning, his eyes snapped open as he grabbed her wrist forcefully. His eyes were wild in confusion as he tried to slow his labored breathing. Seeing her eyes flinch at the grip he held on her arm, he quickly dropped it. Sitting upright, he wiped the sweat and tears from his face.
"April, I'm so sorry," he apologized, watching as she rubbed at her wrist. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"I'm fine, Jackson. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You were just having a nightmare and I was trying to wake you up." As her eyes drifted from his face down to the hands in his lap, she couldn't help but be concerned. "Are you okay? Your hands are shaking."
Squinting through the faint light of the room, he focused on the outline of her face as he listened to her voice. Visions from his nightmare came roaring back and he was seeing her lifeless body again. Squeezing his eyes shut tight in an attempt to erase that image, he reached for her hand again, this time more gently. She did not resist as he pulled her up off the floor to sit beside him. Giving his hand a squeeze, she leaned over to place the palm of her hand against his face to turn him back to her when he didn't answer.
"Are you okay?" she repeated.
Unable to form any words, he just looked at her, tears filling his eyes. The dream had seemed so real. There was even a physical ache in his chest as if he had actually endured those moments of holding her lifeless body. Despite what his mind was remembering and despite the pain he was feeling, he just kept telling himself over and over that it wasn't real. She was still here, right beside him. After months of so much distance between them, they were here right now, together. All reason was gone in that moment and nothing else mattered except his need to be closer to her. Without thinking, he leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against hers.
As if on autopilot, her body responded immediately, leaning into him as she returned his kiss. As their kiss deepened, the alarms finally started going off in her head. Immediately she pulled back as she slid away, staring at him in shock.
"Jackson, what are you…"
Hearing the way her voice cracked, he realized what a huge, colossal mistake he had just made. "Oh, God," he stuttered. "April, I don't…I mean…I don't...I am so sorry."
Glowering back at him in confusion, she let out a long stuttering breath before she spoke. "I don't understand. Why did you do that?"
She was pleading with him to make this make sense. How was he supposed to do that when he couldn't make sense of it himself? Standing on shaky legs, he took the coward's way out and got up, walking away from her. Making his escape to the kitchen, never had he wished for something stronger than water than he did right now. The odds of that were pretty much nil so instead he settled for the water. Reaching for a glass beside the sink, he filled it to the brim before taking long slow slips in an obvious stall tactic. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her stand to her feet and turning in his direction.
Undeterred by his silence, she stomped her own path toward the kitchen, not willing to let him walk away from this. Twisting the switch of the nearby lamp, the apartment was now cast in a soft glow as she approached him. "You can't just do something like that and then walk away from me with no explanation," she demanded. "What is going on with you?"
Turning back around to face her, he leaned back heavily against the sink and found a very angry redhead staring back at him. Yet again he was in awe of how stunning she was. She really was the most beautiful woman he had ever known and the glow of pregnancy only added to her beauty. Of course, given her present state of mind, now probably wasn't the best time to say that out loud. She had every right to be angry with him and he should just tell her the truth about why he kissed her. The problem was he didn't even know himself. Maybe it was just the culmination of an emotional night and the nightmares that had his mind all over the place. Or just maybe he was finally realizing what a huge mistake he had made walking away from the best thing to ever happen to him.
"April, listen, it's not even 4am. It's been a long night and we're both tired. I just wasn't thinking clearly, okay? I was barely awake and you were there and it was just…I don't know. Can we just go back to bed and forget all of this?"
Running her hands over her weary face, she let out a muffled groan of frustration. "You do this all the time, Jackson. You shut me out and leave me guessing at what you're thinking. When I ask you what's going on or how you're feeling, all I get is silence or an 'I don't know.' That's not good enough this time. I swear it's like we're in the lawyer's office all over again."
Surprised by mention of that day, he knew this was a road he didn't want to go down. "What are you even doing up right now? You need your rest, so you should be in bed." Great way to stall there, Avery, he thought.
"Are you kidding me?" she shouted. "No, you don't get to do that, Jackson! You don't get to patronize me and act like I'm the crazy one. You were the one who wanted to end our marriage, not me and I gave you got what you wanted. I signed the damned papers and our life together was done But then tonight, you insist on staying with me and then out of the blue you kiss me after months of barely even looking at me. And now you want to just pretend like it never happened? I can't do that! Maybe it's easier for you, but I can't just turn my feelings off like you obviously did when you decided you didn't want me anymore."
"I never said I didn't want you," he finally snapped back, eyes blazing as he pushed himself away from the sink.
"Yes you did," she glared back at him, refusing to let him see how affected she was by his statement. "Before I signed those papers, I asked you if this is what you wanted."
"And I never answered you!"
Taking a step back, she was caught off guard by his response. "Your silence spoke volumes."
"Well, I guess silence was just a constant in our marriage, wasn't it? Kind of like the silence of not hearing from my wife on the anniversary of our son's death because she was thousands of miles away on another continent!"
It was a low blow and he knew it. If he didn't regret it the moment the words left his lips, he certainly regretted it when he saw the tears instantly flood her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he apologized with a sigh. "I didn't mean…"
"Yes, you did," her voice quivered with emotion. "I know how difficult that day was, Jackson. Even if I wasn't here for you to witness it, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about Samuel. And yes, I was on another continent trying to save myself from drowning in grief, even if you can't understand that."
"You know what, no, I don't understand it!" As memories from those months came back, he felt the worry and anger he felt back then come roaring back as he relived it all over again. "You don't know what it was like for me because you never asked. Do you know what I did on the anniversary of our son's death? I tried to take his crib apart, but all I could think about was the fact that he wasn't in it. My son was supposed to be in that crib and you were supposed to be there by my side and I didn't have either one of you. So I smashed it into pieces. Then I took aim at the rest of the room because I didn't want one more reminder of what I had lost."
The tears were streaming down her face now and even though his own heart was breaking, he couldn't stop himself. "And let's not forget Christmas when our call was cut off by some insurgent gunfire going on in the background. You voluntarily put yourself in the middle of a damn combat zone! You continued to stay over there month after month when you could have been home with me. I went a week, April, an entire week trying to get a hold of you again, not knowing if you were dead or alive!" He paused, taking an unsteady breath as he tried to reign in his emotions. "I continued to wake up every morning, going to work, going through the motions like I was supposed to even though I was dying inside. And then one day you were there, standing right in front of me like a dream. I had spent the entire year after Samuel's death grieving alone without my wife who I needed, but I made myself push all of that aside because I was so beyond relieved that you were safe and back in my arms again. In that moment, you were all that mattered."
"You think it was easy for me?" She wiped angrily at the tears still streaming down her face as she took a step closer to him. "Do you not think that I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to stay here and fight through my grief with you? I couldn't do it. I was dying inside and if I hadn't left for Jordan when I did, I would not have survived. I had spent months preparing myself to be our son's mother and without him, I didn't know who I was anymore. But then I found a purpose in helping those people over there. No one over there treated me like I was so fragile I was going to break or looked at me with pity in their eyes at every turn. I hated myself for leaving you because I knew you were grieving too, but I couldn't be there for you, Jackson, I didn't know how."
"All I needed was you," his voice cracked. "And I thought we had turned a corner when you came back. I thought we could get our life together back on track, but it only took a couple of months before you were ready to leave again. I knew that there was something over there that had put a spark back into your eye that had been missing since Samuel died, but I couldn't go through losing you a second time."
"It's not like I wanted to be away from you," she cried. "I asked you to go back with me so you could try to find what I found there. I wanted you there with me, but you said no. You had other responsibilities that were more important than being with me. You had to be here for…"
"I went to the airport," he interrupted. "I was there. I had a bag packed, had my plane ticket and was all ready to go with you. Not because I really expected to find anything over there that would make me feel whole again, but because I couldn't stand the thought of having you on the other side of the world again and not with me."
"What do you mean you were there? I never saw you at the airport, but if you had decided to come, why didn't you?"
"When I got to the gate, the plane was already pulling away. I was too late to catch the flight, so I just stood at the window and watched you leave again," he forced a sad smile. "I guess I should have been used to it by then."
"Jackson, you should have come," she sighed heavily. "I wanted to share that experience with you and if you had just been there to see the good that we were doing, it would have made such a difference and maybe we wouldn't be where we are now."
"So now it's my fault?" he shouted, his anger returning. "You walk out on me and make me live through the worst days of my life all by myself, but I am the one who could have saved our marriage if I had just dropped all my responsibilities here and flew to the other side of the world? Then we would just be living happily ever after right now, right? Well, sorry I was such a horrible husband!"
"That's not what I meant Jackson and you…"
Watching her sudden intake of a breath as she grabbed her side, he was sure his heart had stopped beating. Taking the few steps to bridge the gap between them, he reached forward, grasping her hips to help steady her. "April, what is it? What's wrong?"
Closing her eyes against the spinning room, she couldn't find her voice to respond as she held on tightly to the edge of the counter waiting for her balance to return. Peeling her eyes back open, she was met by the intense and extremely worried look on Jackson's face. "I'm okay," she whispered.
"Come on, you need to sit." Carefully he led her back to the living room toward the loveseat that sat adjacent to the couch that was his makeshift bed for the night. Easing her down, he sat down on the ottoman facing her. Looking at the weariness that covered her pale face, he was hating himself for letting things get so far. "I don't know what I was thinking letting you get upset like that. Your blood pressure is an issue and Arizona just said you needed to be avoiding stress. The last thing you need is to have me arguing with you right now."
"I just got a little dizzy and I guess I wasn't expecting her to kick me that hard. I guess she didn't like us arguing like that."
"Well, you need to rest and…" Suddenly her words registered in his brain and all he could do was stare back at her, his mouth falling open in disbelief. "She? You said she."
After her initial confusion, she then realized what she had just done. "I'm so sorry, Jackson. This was not how I wanted to tell you."
"We're having a girl?"
Seeing the look on his face as he gazed at her in awe, she couldn't stop the tears from filling her eyes as her thoughts took her back to the last time she had revealed their baby's gender. There was so much grief and pain in that moment so long ago. But this time it was different. There was a look of hope and happiness dancing in his eyes.
"Yes, we're having a girl," she smiled. "I had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and she decided to cooperate so Arizona was able to get a good look. I wanted to tell you before now, but with everything going on, there was never a right time. I've noticed that she is more active when you are around. I guess she already knows her daddy's voice."
That was all it took for him to break. Leaning forward, his head fell into her lap as his quiet sobs filled the room. April gently rubbed the back of his head with her fingertips, trying to calm him. After a few minutes, his breathing started to slow and he leaned up, his red eyes looking at her through a haze of tears.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Reaching forward to wipe a stray tear from his face, she returned the sentiment. "I'm sorry too."
They both sat there in silence for the next few minutes, neither knowing what to say next. Their daughter seemed to want to do more talking though as she started up her kickboxing routine again. Pulling Jackson's hand forward, she placed it flat against her stomach as their daughter continued to kick at him. His face lit up with a genuine smile as he shifted his body to the loveseat to sit beside her, while never removing his hand from their daughter.
Turning back to him, April gave voice to what they were both thinking. "I don't want to fight anymore."
"Me either," he agreed. "But you broke my heart, April. I don't know how to get past that."
"I know," she sighed, her eyes focused on his hand resting against her. "You broke mine too."
He nodded, knowing he had made just as many mistakes as she had during the course of their marriage. Seeing the weariness in her face, he knew that he would never survive if anything ever happened to her or their little girl. They were his life. No matter where things ended up between them, they both always would be.
"I feel like I don't know much of anything these days, but I know I love you," he declared. "I think I always have and I know I always will."
She felt the tears start to sting her eyes as she swallowed around the lump in her throat. "I love you too."
The exhaustion was more than she could bear any longer as she let her head fall back against his shoulder. Wrapping an arm around her, he let her snuggle up closer to his side as she propped her feet up on top of the ottoman he had just abandoned.
"Where do we go from here?" she asked, her voice getting softer as she felt herself drifting off.
Exhaling slowly, he kissed the top of her head. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "But maybe we just stop arguing about the past and find a way to forgive each other. Maybe we just focus on our daughter right now and let whatever happens, happen."
"Okay," she sighed as she burrowed her body closer to him to find a more comfortable spot. Feeling content in his arms, she reached for his hand, his fingers immediately intertwining with hers. "I think I can do that."