Title: Space 1999: the Guiding Light
Author: Robin West
Rating: PG-13 (I guess)
Pairing: John and Helena
Summary: What happens to Alpha in the wake of light bulb shortages
A while ago I stumbled on some Star Trek parodies on the web that were humorous attempts to answer the question "How would Starfleet's finest go about the task of changing a light bulb?" After reading these stories, my friend George dared me to write a Space: 1999 parody along those lines. Challenge accepted.
The first one is set during Year One of the show.
Space 1999: The Guiding Light
My friend George wrote:
The lights suddenly dimmed in Main Mission.
"Victor, what is it?" John asked impatiently.
"I'm working on it, John," Victor responded. "But we're traveling through deep space and there are going to be things that we just don't understand.
Suddenly, Helena appeared on the Main Mission screen.
"John, we've got mounting casualties here. You've to do something!"
I took off from there.
John: Kano, what does computer think we should do?
Computer: Human decision required!
John: Figures. That computer is a worthless hunk of Microsoft junk! I'll bet it isn't even Y2K compliant! Kano, you and computer are both fired!
Kano: Fine, now I'll have to return to Nigeria and send out emails asking people to help me out by letting me deposit money into their bank accounts.
John: Just don't send me any emails for penis enlarging products. (Rather smugly) I don't need them. Never have, never will!
Sandra: It's dark. I'm scared!
She screams and faints.
When she comes to, Paul is hovering nearby.
Paul: It's okay. I'm here. Why don't we go back to my place and smoke some of my magic mushrooms?
Sandra: That sounds like fun. Let's go trip the light fantastic, so to speak.
Tanya: Wait a minute, I wanted to do that while you played "In a Ghadivitta" on your guitar for me!
Paul: Sorry honey, I've moved on. Maybe Alan's free tonight.
Alan: Hey Tanya, come by my place and we'll slip into our Alphan pjs and play badminton ...
John (interrupting): No time for that Alan, I'm gonna send you out in an Eagle to look for a planet that has light bulbs for sale.
Alan: You're just jealous because I look better in my Alphan jammies and I have a hairier chest and I'm the icon of Gay Base Alpha and you've never ever been the subject of one slash story! Well okay one, but it was a comedy, so it doesn't count!
John (changing into his jammies): I am not jealous. And you might have a hairier chest, but I'm way taller than you and someday I'm gonna win an Oscar! And just remember I'm the commander and power is the ultimate aphrodisiac! Helena knows I'm the Alpha male of Alpha and she gets off on tall, powerful guys!
Alan: Yeah, that explains why she was panting after Captain Zantor a few episodes back but have you even gotten any this season from Helena?
John: Are you kidding? That's why I'm always yelling at the crew. It's all that pent-up UST!
John: Unresolved Sexual Tension! Between me and Helena!
Alan: Oh come on, you don't want her, you want me. I heard about the way you misted up over me when you thought I was lost in that cloud before Arra rescued me!
John: Dream on, Alan! Maybe if you looked like James Dean, I might consider it, but you don't! Victor, what do you think we should do? Could you invent something to save us?
Victor: Dammit John, I'm a physicist not an electrical engineer!
Besides in a way isn't being in the dark a metaphor for human existence?
Aren't we all, in a sense, doomed to spend our life in the dark?
John: Hey wait a minute, this is an odd-numbered episode, I'm supposed to give the metaphysical mumbo-jumbo talk in every odd episode. You have evens, I have odds!
It's in my contract.
Victor: Well John...
Helena: Oh John, in the words of Marion Barry, get over it!
John (pacing back and forth): Helena, what are you doing here in Main Mission? Shouldn't you be down in Medical Center?
Helena: Are you kidding? First the light bulb goes, if the rest of the power goes, the electrical fence separating me from the patients in the mental ward might go and then where would I be?
John: Um, Alone in the dark?
Helena: Besides Bob's the psychiatrist, he can handle the nut cases. I only look after one crazy person and that's you, John.
John: Helena, I didn't know you cared.
Helena: Oh John, (dramatic pause) I care. God, are you as sick of this unresolved sexual tension as I am? It's killing me!
John: Are you sure it isn't just that your belt is pulled too tight?
John takes Helena's belt off and she looks up at him with gratitude. They almost kiss but at the last moment, he just caresses her chin.
Helena: Oh John, I hate this first season! This light bulb crisis has shed new light on our relationship.
John: I didn't know we had a relationship. I thought all we had was a sub-text.
Helena: I know, but screw sub-text and hidden innuendo!
Victor (under his breath): I'll go in your end-o, if you'll go in mine.
John: What's that you said?
Victor (looking innocent): Nothing.
Helena: Never mind Victor, what about my needs and wants? I want some nookie! Let's go back to my place and pretend we're crazy horny cave people!
John: Ugga-ugga! I-yabba dabba doo!
They head back to Helena's quarters and go at it like Kirk and Spock!
Helena: Wait a minute, am I Kirk or Spock?
John: Sssh, don't talk. I'm tired of talk. We need more action and less talk!
Helena: Then you're Kirk and I'm Spock.
Just then Alan's eagle crashes into the far side of the moon and excavates a large hidden supply of lightbulbs left behind by an ancient civilization!
John: It's a miracle!
Helena: I know. Lee rarely ever found my g-spot, but you actually got there on the first try! Hallelujah! And I didn't even have to fantasize that you were Pierce Brosnan! Oh John, you're wonderful! I'm gonna grow my hair longer and wear a slitted hooker skirt and sexy high-heeled boots just for you.
John (singing): "You light up my life. You give me hope to carry on!"