Title: Space 1999: the Light that Failed
Author: Robin West
Rating: PG-13 (I guess)
Pairing: John Koenig and Helena Russell
Summary: What happens to Alpha in the wake of light bulb shortages
A while ago I stumbled on some Star Trek parodies on the web that were humorous attempts to answer the question "How would Starfleet's finest go about the task of changing a light bulb?" After reading these stories, my friend George dared me to write a Space: 1999 parody along those lines. Challenge accepted.
Okay, now if it were Season 2...
Space: 1999: the Light that Failed
A vicious explosion rocks Alpha, causing two unnamed Alphans to die and depleting Alpha's store of lightbulbs, milgonite, tiranium, and condoms!
Dave Reilly: Milgonite, we gotta have milgonite! And a pot of gold and some frosted Lucky Charms because they're magically delicious and I'm Irish and don't you forget it!
Sandra: Oh I don't think we could ever forget it! By the way, you could do with some Irish Spring soap!
Yasko: Without lightbulbs, it is really dark in here! My bonsai tree will not be happy!
Bill Fraser walks by and bumps into his wife Annie's desk! John also trips and bumps his head on his command center desk.
Luckily, as usual Helena is hanging out in Command Center not the Medical unit.
She ignores Fraser, whose bimbo wife helps him up, and goes over to see how John is!
Helena: John, are you alright?
John: I'm not crazy! There are monsters everywhere.
Helena: John, honey, that's the double up episode, not this one!
John: Oh sorry. Yeah, I'm fine, but this whole light bulb shortage reminds me of the time when I was an astronaut cadet and we ran low on toilet paper! We had to improvise. We used up all our Victoria's Secrets catalogs and Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues! So that's what we need to do now.
Alan: I'm not giving up my Victoria's Secrets catalogs or my Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues! I only had sex with one passing alien this season and those magazines are my life!
John: No, you dumb blind kangaroo, I just meant that we have to improvise! Geeze, you're twice as stupid this season as last season! Maybe it's all those concussions you suffered when you crashed your eagle!
Helena: Or when you crashed the eagle.
John: But unlike Alan, I'm still as sharp as ever. Sahn, tell the painters to come by and re-paint Command Center using glow in the dark paint and see if the lab can give us all the fireflies they can spare. And Alan, take an Eagle out into Space. We're miles away from anything but it just sounds like something we should do.
Alan: Right ho, I'll consider myself the charge of the Alphan light brigade. Are you my co-pilot?
John: No, that's the double up episode. Take Operative Kate with you. We need to cross-train some of the minor Alphans to do more.
Kate: But my scanner is broken!
John: That doesn't make any sense, but none of our plots do, so why should I care? Hey, take Alibe and Raoul with you too. This is our multi-cultural episode.
Alibe and Raoul: How come we don't get last names?
Kate: Hey, never mind last names, at least you got lines.
Tony: Hey Alan, if you crash the eagle, maybe it will cause a brief burst of light!
Alan: Yeah! Alright. I love blowing up Eagles! It's almost as good as sex!
John: Speaking of sex, Helena, come with me. We're going to our quarters.
Tony: But you can't go. I was gonna have you taste test my latest brand of beer!
John: I already know it's 50 times worse than Ripple!
Tony: Ha, that shows what you know! Ripple is wine and my stuff is beer.
John: Maya, turn into a bug-eyed monster and sit on Tony, will you?
Tony: Oh Meyer, honey, I love it when you play rough!
Maya and Tony's rough housing is interrupted when Taybor the trader lands on the moon and sells them a crate load of light bulbs. Half of them are defective but there are still enough light bulbs to avert disaster and bring light back to the base.
John (pontificating): Light is better than dark.
Tony (chiming in): Loyalty is better than logic.
Maya (going with the Alphan chant): Hope is better than despair.
John: Sex is better than abstinence! Helena let's go back to my cabin and have our second season nookie! We won't even need any light bulbs for what I plan to do!
Helena (pinching John on the butt): Okay, John, honey-bunny, but just remember that we still have a condom shortage!
John: Hey, where's Jackie Crawford? Maybe I could borrow one of those mylar comic book bags of his and wrap it around my king sized whopper!
Helena (giggling): He'd probably notice it was gone!
John: Or we could just use the rhythm method. I have an old Rolling Stones CD we can do it to. Besides the rhythm method was good enough for my parents!
Helena giggles and John smiles his goofy lop-sided grin as they race off toward his cabin.
Freeze frame. The end.