KYLO REN...and Stimpy
"OH, JOY!", Stimpy exclaims. "IT'S TIME FOR MY FAVORITE TV SHOW, THE ADVENTURES OF COMMANDER HOEK AND CADET STIMPY! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! JOY, JOY JOY!", he screams as he turns on the tv. "SET DIALS TO EXCITEMENT!", the announcer reads. "IT IS TIME FOR THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF COMMANDER HOEK AND CADET STIMPY AS THEY FACE DANGER IN THE YEAR FIVE HUNDRED BILLION! TODAY'S EPISODE: THE FIRST ORDER!" The tv screen shows Cadet Stimpy surrounded by a vast wasteland. "CADET STIMPY HAS LOST HIS WAY AND IS NOW IN THE WASTELAND OF THE PLANET JAKKU!" Cadet Stimpy pulls out a strange device. It clicks and whurs as he stares at the screen. "No sign of Commander Hoek anywhere! How am I ever going to get home?" Just then an explosion in the distance catches his attention. "Maybe I'll find help where they are putting off those fireworks.", Cadet Stimpy puts the device back in his utility shorts and runs toward the chaos. As he tops the ridge, he finds that the explosions are not fireworks. "HEAVENS, THOSE PEOPLE NEED MY HELP!", Cadet Stimpy says as he pulls out a strange looking gun. "Lucky I thought to bring my trusty, old disintegrating pistol with me!", He says as he slides down the cliff towards the outpost.
As Cadet Stimpy enters the settlement, a troop transport lands and Twenty Stormtroopers exit firing randomly into the buildings. "I MUST PUT A STOP TO THIS!", Cadet Stimpy yells bravely. He runs up to the nearest Stormtrooper. "Halt this madness, you cowardly cur or I'll be forced to use my disintegrating pistol on you!", Cadet Stimpy aims the device at the Stormtrooper. He just laughs and continues firing. "YOU ASKED FOR IT!", Cadet Stimpy yells and pulls the trigger. The gun turns to dust in his hand. "Huh, it disintegrated." The Stormtrooper has to stop firing because he's laughing too hard to aim. "OK, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!", Cadet Stimpy handcuffs himself to the Stormtrooper, who lifts his arm and watches Cadet Stimpy dangle from the handcuffs. The Stormtrooper roars with laughter again. "The guys back at the ship HAS to see you!", the Stormtrooper says as he heads back to the transport. On the way back to the Star Destroyer, the Stormtrooper tells the rest about his new bracelet. "By the way, who are you?", the Stormtrooper asks. "I AM CADET STIMPY, THE SECOND IN COMMAND UNDER COMMANDER HOEK! SURELY, YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM?", Cadet Stimpy asks with his hands on his hips. The Stormtroopers look at each other and shrug. "Not really. Who is he?", one of them ask. Cadet Stimpy regales them with tales of his adventures. "So, you allowed yourself to get eaten because you couldn't find an answer in a guide book?", the Stormtrooper Cadet Stimpy handcuffed asks. "That's right! We finally got out, but I'd rather not talk about that.", Cadet Stimpy stares at the floor as the Transport roars with laughter. "Hey, maybe this guy can get the bug out of Kylo's ass?", one of the Stormtroopers says. The rest agree that it couldn't hurt. So, as the transport glides into the landing bay, the Stormtroopers put their scheme into motion.
Kylo Ren sits brooding in his chamber. There's a knock at the door. "Come in FN2398.", he says cooly. The Stormtrooper enters with Cadet Stimpy still attached to his arm. "A prisoner, sir. We think he may have information about the BB unit.", the Stormtrooper stifles a snicker. "Very well, leave him to me.", Kylo Ren slowly walks toward them. The Stormtrooper whispers something to Cadet Stimpy who replies, "OK, I'll let you off with a warning this time, but don't let me catch you discharging a firearm recklessly again!", Cadet Stimpy unlocks the handcuffs. The Stormtrooper salutes Kylo Ren and walks away. Once he out of earshot, he leans against the wall and chuckles to himself. "So, you know where the BB-8 unit is. It is in your best interest to tell me quickly or you'll force me to make your stay less comfortable.", Kylo Ren lifts Cadet Stimpy off the ground and throws him into a restraint chair. "Now, where is the BB-8 unit?" "What's a BB-8?", Cadet Stimpy asks. "You know I can take what I want. Why not just give it to me?", Kylo Ren's voice is as cold as ice. "Hmm," Cadet Stimpy thinks for a minute. "Nope, still don't know what a BB-8 is. Maybe if you give me a hint. Is it bigger that a tricorder?" "My patience wears thin.", Kylo Ren concentrates and focuses his energy to read Cadet Stimpy's mind. But, instead of cries of pain, Cadet Stimpy stares blankly at him. Confused, Kylo Ren tries again with no results. "You are strong with the force. But, I will break you! Now, tell what you know!" For the next three hours, Cadet Stimpy tells Kylo Ren everything he knows. Even Commander Hoek's shoe size and he doesn't even wear shoes. Kylo Ren's face is red and he the vein in his forehead is throbbing. "ENOUGH! YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE THE BB-8 UNIT IS OR I WILL PROBE YOUR MIND!", Kylo Ren screams. "Ewww, sound kinda rape-y. Doesn't it?", Cadet Stimpy says with a disgusted look on his face. Kylo Ren uses all his power to read Cadet Stimpy's mind. Suddenly, Kylo Ren gets a confused look on his face. "You... don't actually have a brain, do you?" Cadet Stimpy is indignant. "Of course, I do!", he answers and pulls a brain about the size of a jelly bean out of his ear. "See!", Cadet Stimpy pops the brain back in his ear with a satisfied look. Kylo Ren is about to explode. He leans against the control console shaking his head. "Excuse me, but you don't look so good. Maybe you should lay down and take a nap, it always works for me. I'll even sing you a lullaby!", Cadet Stimpy clears his throat. "A-hem! HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY, HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY, HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY,HAP-" "ENOUGH! GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!", Kylo Ren scream in frustration, but no guards came. "GUARDS!", he yells again. "Huh, maybe you should get better guards.", Cadet Stimpy says as he climbs out of the chair. Kylo Ren slumps in his chair. "Aww, it'll be OK. I'll tell you what, I'll help out until you get better guards. Now what happened to my disintegrating pistol?" Then, Cadet Stimpy slaps his forhead. "Oh yeah, it disintegrated! Silly me! Do you have a ray gun I can borrow?" Kylo Ren puts his head down and sobs.
Cadet Stimpy has been Kylo Ren's personal bodyguard for about a month, despite Kylo's attempts to kill him. Shortly after he started, Kylo had him ejected into space. All Cadet Stimpy did was wash his lightsaber, in a washing machine. It not only destroyed the machine, but cut a hole in the bulkhead causing everything in the laundry room to be lost in space. After the orders were carried out. Kylo Ren breathed a sigh of relief and went back to his chambers. But, when he opened the door, there stood Cadet Stimpy, smiling stupidly and saluting. "Welcome back, Ren- I mean KYLO Ren." Later that week, Cadet Stimpy accidentally left his Stinky Whizzleteets album on Kylo's sleep learning monitor. Kylo spent two days breaking into "Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy" at the most inopportune moments, like during a strategy meeting with Supreme Leader Snoke. Cadet Stimpy was ejected out the garbage chute only to be found standing in Kylo's chambers. Again and again, Kylo Ren stuffs Cadet stimpy into a paper shredder, a remote probe and once, he ordered him placed into a tie fighter and flown back to Jakku handcuffed to fn-2398. Only to find him standing in his chambers saluting with a stupid smile on his face. After giving the order to shoot Cadet Stimpy out of a laser cannon, Kylo Ren stands outside his door. "Please don't be in here! Please don't be in here! Please don't be in here!", he chants. He opens the door and there stands Cadet Stimpy. Kylo Ren breaks down and sobs, "HOW? How can you still be alive? How do you keep returning?" "Oh, that's easy! I'll show you!", he takes Kylo by the hand and leads him out of the room. Cadet Stimpy closes the door and says,"If you would!" Suddenly, a voice announces, "WE NOW FIND CADET STIMPY IN THE CHAMBERS OF KYLO REN!" Instantly, Cadet Stimpy disappears. Kylo Ren opens the door to find Cadet Stimpy standing in his quarters, saluting with a stupid smile on his face. "Who was that?", Kylo demanded. "The narrator silly! He helps set the scene. So, when you send me on your secret missions, the narrator helps me get back." Again, Kylo Ren's face grows red and the vein on his forehead throbs. "Where is this 'narrator'?" Cadet Stimpy shrugs. "I dunno. He just comes around when I need him." In a rage, Kylo draws his lightsaber and cuts Cadet Stimpy's head off. Kylo chuckles to himself, "He's gone. HE"S GONE! HA-HA!" "WE NOW FIND CADET STIMPY IN THE CHAMBERS OF KYLO REN!", the announcer's voice echos. Kylo turns around to find Cadet Stimpy saluting with a stupid smile on his face. Kylo loses it. He hacks up a computer bank with his lightsaber. Cadet Stimpy gets a thoughtful look on his face. "I know what I must do." Cadet Stimpy pats Kylo on the back and leaves the room.
Cadet Stimpy hasn't been near Kylo for a week. The break was needed. Kylo was about to explode. Without Cadet Stimpy around, Kylo is able to finally sleep. During one of these sleeps, Cadet Stimpy sneaked in and placed a device inside Kylo's mask. The next morning, Kylo Ren awakes to find Cadet Stimpy standing at his bedside smiling. "Ugh! You again! I thought you were busy annoying someone else." "Nope, I was working on something to make you feel better!", Cadet Stimpy says handing Kylo his mask. "Oh really? And what would that be?", Kylo asks as he puts on his mask. "I put an emotion stablizer in your mask!" Puzzled, Kylo tries to correct him. "You mean MOTION stablizer, right?" Cadet Stimpy shakes his head, "Nope, E-motion stablizer! It works like this!" Cadet Stimpy pulls a small device from his utility shorts. "Now, everytime your sad or angry, I can make you happy again! Observe!" Cadet Stimpy turns a dial and a strange whurring sound comes from his mask. Quickly, Kylo tries to remove it, but it's stuck. "Why won't it come off?!", he yells. "It's full of glue!", Cadet Stimpy replies with a smile as he turns the dial. Suddenly, the corners of Kylo's mouth begins to curl up. "What's happening... to me?", Kylo strains to fight urge to smile. "Must.. keep.. control... can't...give..in!", Kylo's voice trembles as he shakes. Cadet Stimpy turns the dial again. Kylo lunges at Cadet Stimpy, but falls to the floor. "Force...strong,..body...weak!", with that, Kylo Ren collapses to the floor. He jerks a couple times, then begins chuckling. " I feel so happy! must share the feeling!" Kylo regains his balance and shakily stumbles down the corridor, hugging Stormtroopers and manically laughing.
Kylo Ren has been under the influence of Cadet Stimpy's control for almost twenty-four hours. Unable to remove his mask, it looks like he may never regain control of his emotions. Cadet Stimpy has been at Kylo's side every minute. Whenever he thinks Kylo's feeling sad or angry, He turns that dial and Kylo goes into a happiness trip. "I must get this thing off my head.", Kylo thinks to himself. He looks around the room, but nothing looks strong enough to damage the mask. 'OH, KYLO! KYLO! Hmm, I wonder where he could be?", Cadet Stimpy looks around Kylo's chambers. Kylo is hiding behind the repaired computer bank. "He'll never find me here!", he chuckles. "Hey!", Cadet Stimpy says with a concerned look on his face. "You don't suppose Kylo's somewhere being sad?", Cadet Stimpy pulls the control box from his utility shorts. "I'll make him happy again!" Kylo jumps out screaming, "OH, NO YOU DON'T!" Weilding his lightsaber, he neatly cleaves the control box in two. He then cuts the facemask off his helmet. Full of rage, Kylo chases Cadet Stimpy through the ship, wildly swinging his lightsaber. After thoroughly trashing most of the ship, Kylo finally corners Cadet Stimpy in the landing dock. "NOW, I have you! Nothing can save you now!" Cadet Stimpy looks unconcerned, "Really, what about the narrator?" Kylo's face changes from rage to surrender. "I-I can't live like this! There's one way out!", Kylo turns his lightsaber and holds it against his throat. "WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER!", Cadet Stimpy tries to talk Kylo out of suicide. "If you really want me to go, all you had to do is ask! Mr. narrator, if you would?" "MEANWHILE, BACK ABOARD COMMANDER HOEK'S SHIP, WE FIND CADET STIMPY-" Suddenly, Cadet Stimpy fades away. "Goodbye, Kylo!" Kylo Ren collapses on the floor. "He's gone. HE'S GONE!", Kylo convulses with laughter. He gathers himself up and staggers back to his chambers. He opens the door and there stands Cadet Stimpy, saluting and smiling stupidly. "Why, WHY?!", Kylo screams. "Oh, Commander Hoek gave me the week off. What do you want to do first?"