AN: QaF is clearly not mine, I just like to play with the pretty toys :)
Enjoy and review xoxox
I have to get him to fucking remember? All I want to do is forget that that night ever happen and move on. Now I have to get him to remember the details so he can get over it…
Fuck. When did I start caring what the fuck happens to anyone? It was so much easier, so much better when I didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything other than myself.
So much lonelier, another part of Brian's brain reminded him.
Brian sighed and shook his head. He had just come from the psychiatrist's office; Justin's psychiatrist to be exact. When he had agreed to take Justin back into his home he hadn't had any idea how the teen was actually doing mentally. Sure, he had seen the boy freak out at Woody's but that really hadn't given him a fair assessment of the kids' current mental state.
Brian had spent so many days and nights worrying about Justin recovering physically from the bashing that he hadn't really thought about how the boy was doing mentally.
During those first few days Brian figured that as long as Justin opened those gorgeous blue eyes again everything would go back to the way it once was. Brian was wrong.
After being with him for only two days he began to realize what Jennifer's pleas for him to 'touch' her son actually meant.
She wanted him, Brian, to go into Justin's mind and fix him for her. Fuck her. Justin was her kid and she hadn't even wanted said kid around him a week ago. Then when things got a little too rough for her what does she do? Come and plead with 'Big Bad Brian' to take Justin. To fix what she couldn't.
In all fairness Brian didn't really think that Jennifer could fix Justin, at this point he wasn't sure that anyone could, but he realized that Jennifer just wasn't what the teen needed right now.
That afternoon Brian called Daphne to come over and bring a CD containing Save the Last Dance for Me.
By the time Daphne showed up Justin was sitting in the middle of the dining area on the couch looking at Brian like he had lost his mind. Brian had moved all the furniture out of the living room and cleared a big empty space.
"What are we doing again?" Justin asked Brian as the older man walked across the loft to answer the door.
"We're helping you remember. You have to remember so we can put all this behind us once and for all," Brian said reiterating the therapists' words matter of factly.
"Hello Daphne," Brian said stepping aside to let the girl enter the loft.
"Hey Brian," she said then glanced around him to Justin.
"Hey Justin, how's it going?" she asked.
Justin looked at her, nodded and smiled slightly by way of greeting.
"Ok," Brian said, "Let's get started, you bring the CD?" he asked Daphne.
"Right here," she said holding it up.
Brian took the CD and put it in the tray of his stereo. He pushed play and turned to Daphne as some techno beat started pumping out of the speakers. Brian encouraged Justin to come stand in the middle of the room with himself and Daphne.
"Ok," Daphne said turning to Justin, "We were at the prom and you and I were dancing. I'm pretty sure this is the song that was playing. People around us sort of quit dancing and had turned to look at something near the doorway so I thought there was a fight or something but then I saw Brian. He walked over to us, never taking his eyes off of you."
"And I said 'Hello Daphne, you look hot tonight, I'd fuck you'," Brian said leaning over to kiss Daphne on the temple like he had that night.
"And I said, 'You too Brian'. Then you said something about not being caught dead in a room of 18 year olds," Daphne said shaking her head slightly. Obviously she hadn't really understood what Brian had been talking about.
"He said 'I thought you wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of 18 year olds' and I said 'I'm just trying to recapture my lost youth'," Brian said the words slowly as he looked into Justin's eyes, studying them for any flicker of recognition at the words. Justin just gazed back at him somewhat blankly.
"It was hot," Daphne interjected with a smile.
Brian smiled at her.
"Then I said 'Mind if I borrow your date?' to Daphne," Brian said.
"So I left you two alone and the music changed, God it was perfect," Daphne said with a goofy grin.
"Brian led you to the middle of the dance floor, this came on and you started dancing," Daphne said as she flipped the song to 'Save the Last Dance for Me'.
The song began to play; Brian gathered Justin in his arms and began to move them to the music. They didn't dance nearly as gracefully as they had on prom night but Brian hoped it was good enough to help Justin remember something.
"Close your eyes, it might help you to remember," Brian instructed.
Justin complied and they danced for most of the song before Brian stopped them. "Anything?" he asked.
Justin looked up at him and shook his head. He hated disappointing Brian and he really wanted to remember but he just couldn't seem to remember a thing from that night.
"Hey, it's ok, we'll find a way," Brian said giving Justin a squeeze.
Justin allowed himself to lean into Brian for comfort for a minute before his hand began to shake violently.
Justin pulled away from Brian and shook his hand.
"Fuck! Fuck," he yelled shaking his hand and then stuffing it in his pocket in an attempt to stop or hide the tremors. Brian wasn't sure which. Justin began to angrily pace back and forth for a moment before stomping up the stairs to the bedroom.
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Daphne looked torn between wanting to rush to her best friend's side and being afraid to.
"I'm gonna shower," Justin said a moment later solving Daphne's apparent dilemma for her.
"Ok," Brian replied.
"See you later Daph," Justin called over his shoulder.
"See you," Daphne said in a sad voice.
When he heard the water in the shower start up Brian plopped down on the couch and let out a long sigh.
"How are you doing?" Daphne asked moving to sit beside Brian. She had a feeling that all this was hurting Brian almost as much as it was hurting Justin and it seemed to her that everyone was simply overlooking Brian's pain.
"Been better," Brian said leaning his head back to gaze up at the rafters.
"It's really amazing that you're doing all this for him," Daphne said.
"Yeah well, someone had to fix him and Jennifer sure as fuck wasn't interested in doing it," Brian said a bit bitterly.
"I hope you can help him," Daphne said shooting a worried glance toward the bathroom.
"Me too," Brian admitted with a sigh.
Later that afternoon Brian drove them to the parking garage where the bashing had taken place. Just seeing the place again brought violent memories to the forefront of Brian's mind and he felt bile rising up in his throat.
Fighting the memories down and trying his damnedest to keep his emotions in check Brian pulled the jeep into a parking spot near where the bashing had taken place and the two got out.
Justin began to wander a few feet from Brian, he was concentrating hard and trying to remember something but nothing was coming. He was getting frustrated with himself and the whole situation and was about to say fuck it and suggest that they head home when he heard Brian's voice floating across the garage to him.
"We were walking out, singing and laughing together, sort of dancing. You were…happy, happier than I can ever really remember seeing you, outside of bed that is," Brian said with a smirk attempting to inject a bit of humor into the otherwise humorless situation.
"We walked to the jeep and kissed, I said something about giving them a prom to remember and you said," Brian's voice broke and he stopped for a moment. "You said that it was the best night of your life."
Justin grinned a little, he was sure that having Brian show up at his prom had been the best moment of his life and he considered it as such, even if he couldn't remember it.
Brian took a deep shuddering breath, "We kissed again and said 'Later' and you turned and started walking away from me, still humming that damned song. You had the scarf around your neck and you were holding on to both ends swinging it out to your sides as you walked. I started to get into the jeep and you turned back and smiled at me," Brian half smiled at the memory.
"Then I knew why Deb calls you Sunshine," Brian said and had to stop for a moment before emotions overcame him completely.
Justin felt his heart clench at the implication but said nothing. He was trying to focus on Brian's words and paint a clear picture in his head of what happen that night. So far it was still like a story that had happened to someone else. Justin put his thumb up to his mouth and began to chew the nail while waiting for Brian to continue.
The bashing must have happen next Justin realized. For a moment he considered going to Brian to offer some comfort to him but in the end decided that that was probably a bad idea so he waited it out.
When Brian began to speak again his voice sounded shaky. "I got in the jeep and when I looked in the mirror to watch you walk to the elevator he was there. I saw the bat but I was too far away there was nothing I could do," Brian flinched and as the memory washed over him full force he fought back a wave of nausea.
Justin sighed. "I just wish I could remember."
"I just wish I could forget," Brian countered and got back in the jeep.
Later that night after Justin had gone to bed Brian sat on the couch nursing a shot of Beam and considering going out. Of course he knew that he wouldn't. Babylon was really no fun without Justin.
Suddenly he was struck with an idea. Brian got up off the couch and headed over to the counter where Justin always piled his 'pocket stuff'; wallet, keys, loose change and cell phone. Brian picked up the cell phone and flipped quickly through the numbers stored in its memory. He found the one he wanted and dialed, silently hoping it wasn't too late to be calling.
A moment later a concerned voice came on the other end of the line.
"Daphne, its Brian, listen does your school have a videographer?" Brian asked.
Two days later Justin was sitting on the couch when Brian came in with a video tape.
"Hey," Brian said.
"Hey," Justin replied with a smile.
"I have something that might help you," Brian said.
Justin got up off the couch and walked over to Brian to plant a kiss on his lips.
"I bet you do," Justin said.
"To help you remember," Brian said.
"I'm never going to remember, Brian, you should just give up. I've tried so hard to remember and I just can't," Justin said walking back to the couch and sitting down with a sigh.
"I know you have and it's not your fault, you just haven't had the right trigger yet and I'm not going to stop until I figure out what the right trigger is," Brian said waving the tape in front of Justin's face.
"Ok, what's that?" Justin asked, his curiosity finally getting the best of him.
"It's a tape from your prom. I asked Daphne if your school had a videographer and she said that it doesn't but she was sure someone had been taping different shit so she asked around and voila, a tape of us dancing," Brian said indicating the tape in his hand.
Justin's face lit up.
"Seriously? Put it in, I wanna watch it," Justin said grinning.
"I didn't know how you'd feel about it," Brian said uncertainly.
"What do you mean? I've been hearing about hot it was since I woke up, I'm dying to see it," Justin said grinning.
Brian shrugged and popped the tape in the VCR. He hit play before taking a seat on the couch beside Justin.
After a moment the blue screen gave way to someone jiggling a camera around and laughing.
"Oh my God," they heard a girl's voice say.
"What?" the guy with the camera asked.
"Give me that," the girl said.
The camera was jostled around for a moment before focusing and zooming in on Brian.
"Who the hell is that?" the guy who had previously had the camera asked the girl.
"My dream man," she replied in a dreamy voice.
Justin giggled, "Mine too."
Brian rolled his eyes.
"I thought I was your dream man," the guy said.
"Oh you are baby," the girl said in a slightly patronizing voice.
Another girl's voice piped up, "Who is that? Anyone know what he's doing here?"
There were indistinguishable murmurs around the table and Brian began to make his way across the room.
The camera followed him and stopped when he stopped in front of Justin.
"What's he doing with Taylor?" a guy asked.
No one really responded and there were some more murmurs.
The music changed abruptly and the crowd shifted momentarily cutting the camera's view of Brian and Justin. The girl with the camera stood up and zoomed in to get them back into focus.
Justin watched completely transfixed as he and Brian began dancing on the screen.
"This is fucking hot," the girl with the camera said and zoomed in a bit more.
"Uh-huh," the other girl replied.
Justin watched as Brian led him around the dance floor spinning him and laughing with him. Then he saw himself take control of the dance; pulling off Brian's jacket and flipping the silk scarf around Brian's neck.
"You let me manhandle you like that in public?" Justin asked never taking his eyes off the screen.
"Well, it was your prom after all," Brian said with a smile.
Just before the dance ended Brian lifted Justin up and spun him around kissing him soundly and thoroughly.
"Holy fuck, Brian, you really kissed me in front of everyone?" Justin said with a huge grin on his face.
The screen went blank after Brian and Justin left the dance floor.
"Well?" Brian asked.
"Don't remember a thing," Justin said airily with a grin.
Brian sighed and Justin got up and walked over to the TV.
"What're you doing?" Brian asked.
"Rewinding this so I can watch it over and over and over, I think this may become my new favorite movie," Justin said with a cheeky grin.
"Glad you like it," Brian said with a slight smile as he got up off the couch and went to the drink cart to pour himself a shot.
"Like it? Brian, that's the most incredible thing anyone's ever done for me," Justin said with a grin as the VCR stopped rewinding and he pushed play.
Brian walked back over to the living room area where Justin was still standing and said quietly into his ear, "Even if it was ridiculously romantic."
A flash of dancing with Brian went through Justins head and hit his mind with an almost tangible force.
"Wh-what did you say?" Justin asked suddenly feeling off balance.
Brian caught the look on Justin's face and wondered if his words had triggered a brief memory.
"I said that it had to be the best night of your life, even if it was-"
"Ridiculously romantic," Justin said in a whisper.
Everything came flooding back to him at once and he staggered.
"Justin!" Brian shouted catching him before he fell into the coffee table.
Justin didn't hear Brian's shouts; he just saw the prom, and the parking garage, running out to the jeep with Brian, his laughter and the smile on Brian's face as he said 'later'. Then he heard Brian's horrified shout and there was nothing after that.
"Justin, Justin damn it wake up," Brian was saying to him.
Justin opened his eyes and realized he was lying on the couch and that Brian was kneeling down next to him.
"What happen?" Justin mumbled.
Brian let out a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding.
"You tell me," he said. "Did you remember something?"
"I remembered…everything. At least I think I did," Justin said a bit uncertainly.
Brian closed his eyes and hugged the blonde to his chest.
"Are you ok?" Brian asked.
"I-I think so, my head hurts," Justin said.
Brian hurried over to the kitchen and got Justin a pain pill and a glass of water. Brian hated that Justin still had to take pain medication for his head.
"Here, take this," Brian said delivering the pill and water to Justin.
"If I had known you were going to pass out-"
"No, I'm glad I remember," Justin said.
"I was going to say that I would've made sure you were sitting down. You nearly broke my coffee table," Brian said with a smirk.
Justin rolled his eyes, "I'm so sorry."
"So what do you remember?" Brian asked slipping an arm around Justin and allowing the blonde to cuddle into his side.
"I remember dancing with you and feeling happier than I've ever felt before," Justin said.
"About the attack," Brian said.
"Not much, but then I was pretty much unconscious. You called my name, you tried to warn me," Justin said.
"Yeah," Brian said.
"Tell me what else happen," Justin asked.
Brian got up and started pacing and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Do we have to do this?" Brian asked.
"No, I guess if you don't want to. I mean we could do it later," Justin said a bit uncertainly.
"No, we'll do it now," Brian said. He stood and began to pace.
"I saw him in the mirror and that's when I got out and called your name. I tried to warn you, I tried to- but there was nothing I could do…after he-" Brian cleared his throat. "After he hit you-"
Brian paced over to the other side of the room putting his back to Justin. Justin could tell that Brian was struggling to tell him what had happened in the minutes after he was hit and he was about to tell the older man that it was ok, that he didn't have to finish when Brian's voice piped up again sounding a bit stronger if a little detached.
"I, um, I ran over and I pushed him to keep him from hitting you again. He dropped the bat and I picked it up. I hit him in the knees with it then dropped it and knelt down beside you. There was so much blood…and for a minute I-I couldn't do anything. I just knelt there on the ground next to you trying to…fuck; I don't know what I was trying to do. Maybe I was in shock, I don't know. I finally realized that I had a cell phone and so I called 911," Brian concluded.
"Why didn't you come see me?" Justin asked.
Brian took a deep breath and turned back to face the blonde. Justin saw tears in Brian's eyes threatening to spill over.
"I did," Brian said his voice barely a whisper.
"What?" Justin asked his voice coming out equally as soft.
"I said I did," Brian said a bit louder.
"But everyone said-"
"No one else knew, I didn't tell anyone. Every night I went out to Babylon and then came by the hospital. I had to come see you, make sure you were ok, before I could sleep at night. I'd talk to Judy, the night nurse, and ask her how you were doing; she'd give me a cup of coffee and sometimes make me eat some soup. She said I wasn't eating enough," Brian said with a laugh.
"The first three days, before they knew if you were going to-" Brian's voice did break then and he turned away from Justin.
Justin felt a lump rising in his throat. He really does care Justin realized.
Justin got up off the couch and hurried over to Brian. He put a hand on the older mans arm. At first Brian pulled away from him but after a second he relaxed into the touch and Justin urged him to turn around.
Brian turned and Justin wrapped his arms around him. Brian rested his head on Justin's shoulder and allowed the blonde to hold him.
"It's ok, I'm ok now," Justin said in a calm voice as he smoothed his good hand over Brian's hair.
Brian took a deep shuddering breath, wrapped his arms around Justin and held him tightly.
"Hey Michael, can I talk to you for a minute?" Justin asked at the diner a few days later.
"Yeah, I guess so, what do you want?" Michael asked.
"Outside?" Justin asked.
The two walked outside and down the street a little ways.
"So what do you want?" Michael asked.
"I just had a question about when I was in the hospital," Justin said.
Michael's face softened a little, "Yeah, what is it?"
"Brian and I talked about it a couple of nights ago. I remembered prom," Justin said.
"Oh, that's great, congratulations," Michael said.
"Yeah, thanks. So we were talking and Brian started to say something about those first three days, but he couldn't finish and I didn't want to push him. So I'm wondering…" Justin trailed off.
"If I know what he was going to say," Michael said.
"Yeah, sort of, I mean you were with him for those three days, you know what happen," Justin said.
Michael sighed, "He didn't' leave the hospital for the first three days. He refused to leave the seat outside your room until they assured him you were going to be ok."
"Wow," Justin said.
"He just sat there for three days in the suit he wore to your prom, holding that scarf, staring off into space and looking like he was going to cry any second. I've never seen him like that. He was almost completely unresponsive the first day or so. He sat there with blood and dirt on his face and neck and didn't even look at any of us.
"Your mom tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave, he wouldn't even look at her. It was like he was just looking through us all, like he'd completely shut down mentally and gone somewhere else entirely. It was God damn scary," Michael said with a shake of his head.
There was such pain evident in his voice as he spoke that for the first time Justin realized just how much the bashing had affected them all. He realized how hard it must have been for Michael to see his 'hero' fall in such a way.
"That's why we were all so surprised when he never came to see you after you woke up. They told him that you were going to be ok and he left the hospital and never came back," Michael said.
"He was there for three whole days?" Justin asked in amazement.
"Yeah, never actually went in the room, but he was there, like some God damn guardian angel," Michael said.
"Thanks Michael," Justin said.
Later that evening Justin was sitting on the edge of the bed wrestling with his thoughts. He trusted Brian and wanted to have sex with him but he was still scared. What if Brian didn't really want him anymore? What if Brian wouldn't want someone damaged? When you're as amazing as Brian Kinney you can have anyone you want, why would he want someone with all these problems? What if he only pitied him?
But he was there for three days, Justin reminded himself. He was there, watching over you, making sure you were ok every night and now you're living with him and he's taking care of you. Besides, Justin reasoned with himself, Brian Kinney doesn't do pity.
The two had gone out to Babylon that evening and Brian hadn't left Justins side all night. Justin had felt so safe and protected even though he was in a huge crowd of people.
Brian came out of the bathroom; he had disappeared in there when they got home a few minutes ago. Justin figured he had gone to take a shower but when Brian came back out fully clothed much sooner than Justin had anticipated, he realized that he was wrong and would have to make his decision a lot faster than he had planned.
Brian came over to sit next to Justin on the bed so he could remove his boots and Justin put his hand around the back of Brian's neck. Brian stopped what he was doing and looked at the boy next to him.
Justin closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss. When the two broke apart they were panting slightly. Justin reached for the buttons on Brian's sleeveless shirt and began undoing them. He noticed a piece of white material under the shirt and pulled the shirt back to see what it was.
When Justin recognized the scarf from prom night all covered in blood, his blood, he nearly came undone. He felt a lump rise in his throat and his heart fill up his chest. He looked into Brian's face with a question in his eyes.
Brian looked a little ashamed that Justin had found the scarf and he looked away. Justin pulled the scarf from around the older mans neck and studied it for a moment; he thought of what it could have represented; love and the beginning of something magical between himself and Brian. But that wasn't what it represented to Brian. To Brian the scarf was a reminder of the time he hadn't been able to help Justin, the time that he was too late to save him.
Justin considered these things before making a decision. He wasn't going to let prom night, or Chris Hobbs or a gimp hand dictate his life. He gave the scarf a final look before discarding it on the floor.
He touched Brian's face and turned it towards him forcing the older man to look at him.
"Make love to me," Justin whispered.
"Are you sure?" Brian asked.
Justin nodded and pulled Brian in for a kiss.