Hi, everyone! Well, it's my buddy Rurrlock's birthday again and seeing how a certain empowered woman just broke the box office (without the need of a proton pack, mind you,) whom both Thomas and I grew up on in our youths, I think it's fair that I did a little story starring everyone's favorite femme fatale, Harley Quinn. Although this time, seeing as how we're one month away from Election Year, I decided to live adventurously for a change and do a Harley Quinn political story. Think of it as my own DC Elseworlds or Imaginary Tale. It's not in-cannon (obviously) but it's just for fun anyways. Or to put it another way 'Harley Quinn is not a real person. She is a fictional character. Some of the things she does might cause a person to break, be arrested, or get hurt. In other words, don't try this at home.' Anyways, hope you all enjoy. And as always, I own NOTHING. This is for FAN-Purposes ONLY, so PLEASE don't sue!
Harleen Quinzel had been known as many things throughout her life; bullied student, oppressor of bullying, aspiring artist, psychiatrist, intern at Arkham Asylum, girlfriend/henchgirl/punching bag to the Joker, ex-girlfriend/henchgirl/punching bag to the Joker, Suicide Squad Member, and owner of her own property on Coney Island. But this…this was something Harley never thought in a million years she'd find herself in.
She stood at a podium wearing a business suit and skirt outfitted to look like the American Flag, despite her bleached skin and hairstyle. Still, she managed to tie her hair back into a bun to look somewhat presentable. To her left were two other people standing at their own podiums. One was a fat man in a black suit and red tie who seemed very red in his face. To his right was a middle-aged woman with auburn hair made into a short haircut which covered the back of her neck. Both were arguing with each other and yet both seemed to be saner than she was.
Harley swallowed a nervous lump.
She was the Third Party Candidate in the 2016 Presidential Debates.
And she had no idea how she was going to win this.
All she could do was reflect back on how she got here.
A few months ago, Harley's friends had left their little home on Coney Island on account of trying to get Harley her own solo film. However, as Harley was cooking breakfast, she heard a knock at the door. Getting it, she was surprised to see none other than Amanda Waller and Rick Flagg standing at the doorway.
"Wally! Ricky!" She greeted, "How's things? You got another mission for me an' the squad?"
"We need to talk." Flagg stated walking in with Waller.
"No comment about the new pad?" Harley said, sticking her tongue out, "I'm disappointed."
"Harleen." Waller stated, shutting her up, "Something has come up. Something that requires your own unique skills."
Harley raised her eyebrows, now interested in what Waller had to say.
"Go on…" She stated.
"A few months ago," Waller continued, "We found that an ancient burial site had been disturbed. Apparently they released a deity known as 'The Great Destroyer' who takes societies and destroys them from within by promising them false wishes."
"We believe that one of them may have infiltrated the 2016 Presidential Debate." Flagg stated.
"So why come ta me?" Harley asked.
"Because sending in the Squad or any other kind of black-ops is out of the question." Waller stated, "Killing potential Presidential Nominees is out of the question especially after everything we've seen in the past few months. Therefore, we need to plant someone in the debates until they can get close and figure out a way to expose this 'Great Destroyer.'"
She reached into her pocket and pulled something out that made Harley's eyes widen.
"HOLY PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL!" She squealed.
The thing Waller was holding was a poster of Harley behind an American Flag pointing forward like Uncle Sam. In Red-White-And-Blue letters were the words 'QUINN 2016.'
"You want ME to be the Third-Party Candidate?!" Harley asked, "Now I know how Robin Williams felt."
"As much as it pains me to say it, Harley," Flagg noted, "You ARE the candidate with the most potential for voters. Before your rap-sheet, you were a psychiatrist which I think some people of the world are looking for now."
"Am I having a say in any of this?" Harley asked.
"No." They both replied.
"Well," the anti-hero shrugged, "Momma always said to go places, so why not?"
Harley's first third party rally didn't exactly go as planned. Her first announcement was on a dock by Coney Island, but it wasn't good enough. For one thing, she barely had enough people to begin with, but secondly, Harley wasn't exactly good at motivating people unless they were working for her.
"So…" Harley said, sweating a bit, "If you ask me….the job of President shouldn't go to the person who wants it most…because if they want to be president…uh…they shouldn't be allowed to do the job."
All around her, Harley could hear the voices of the people sounding very discouraged.
"What's her problem?"
"Doesn't she want the job?!"
"She's just a clown."
"Wait, guys!" Harley called, "Wait!"
But it was too late.
Harley held her head down low as she began to walk back to her car.
"Looks like you could use some help." A familiar voice called.
Harley's eyes widened as she saw a familiar redhead in a green dress standing in front of her car.
"Holee BFF's!" Harley squealed, bouncing into the woman and embracing her in a big bear hug, "Ivy! What are you doing here?!"
"Someone told me you were running for President." Ivy responded, "What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't there for you, Harley?"
"Thanks, red." Harley sighed, "I don't get it. People are listening ta the morons running even though they're saying nothing but garbage. What do I need, Ivy?"
"Harley," Ivy said, lifting her friend's face up so they were looking at each other eye-to-eye, "People can be quite moronic at times. They don't know exactly what they want, but sometimes all it takes is one speech to change everything. And trust me, if there's anybody who knows about persuading people, it's me."
Harley's attention was now focused as she listened to Ivy's plan.
On the second campaign stop, Harley was doing a bit better this time around. She had a few more followers at her stop in Manhattan, as Ivy waited in the sidelines.
"And so," Harley continued, "As yer nominee for the Third Party, if elected, I promise ta give you all equal rights an' jobs as granted by the constitution."
"Hold up there!" Someone in the crowd called.
Harley waited and saw a man stand up. However, Harley was quick to realize that he was missing an arm.
"A lot of people have come before you and have given their spiel." He said, "But a lot of them have let us down in the past before. What makes you so different? After all, you were an accomplice to the Joker if memory serves. What the hell makes you think we'll vote for you?"
Harley paused and lowered her head.
"Because I understand what it's like to have been let down." Harley said, quietly.
There was a silent pause in the audience and Harley knew she had their undivided attention.
"I thought the Joker really did love me at one point." Harley admitted, "But the face of the matter is that he used me to get what he wanted. He broke my heart, and on that day, I said 'no more.' So I left him. Now I look at you people and say I know what it's like to put your trust in someone only to have them disappoint you. So what I'm saying is that I'm going to do what should've been done in the first place…find a real friend who genuinely cares for you!"
Harley looked out among the crowd, there was then the sound of someone clapping. Then another clap joined in, and another until finally, the whole room was applauding her. A smile formed on Harley's lips.
"In an unprecedented turn of events, Harleen Quinzel rose in the polls running on the Third Party Candidate…"
"…the former accomplice to The Joker seems to have captured the hearts and souls of the American People who are now flocking to rally behind her…"
"Now joined by Republican Nominee Harold Gerry. Thank you for being with us tonight. My question is…"
"First off, let me just say that I can't fathom two women running for office. Especially when one of them is a clown! Literally a clown!"
"He's one to talk." Harley smiled, as she sat on the bed of her hotel room next to Ivy reveling in the attention she was getting.
Suddenly, Harley's phone rang and she answered it.
"Hello?" She asked.
"Congratulations, Dr. Quinzel." The voice of Amanda Waller responded, "It appears that you've been invited to the final presidential debate before the election. Furthermore, we finally found a spell that'll let us uncover who the Great Destroyer really is."
"I still say it's Harold Gerry." Harley assured, "No Republican Candidate can be that evil."
"Be it as it may." Waller reminded, "If you so much as try to kill a candidate before the Great Destroyer is revealed, we'll make sure you are buried so deep that people won't even know where to look for you."
"Fine." Harley sighed.
Finally, the day of the final Presidential Debate had arrived. Harley was wearing a business suit and skirt made to look like the American Flag, while shaking hands with the Democratic Presidential Nominee, Tiffany Riley.
"A pleasure ta meet ya, Ma'am." Harley said, shaking her hand.
"Likewise, Miss Quinzel." The senator replied, "I must admit I was nervous when I found out that you were running as well, but when I saw your speech about looking for leadership in all the right places, it actually impressed me. I'm rather looking forward to hearing you on the stage."
Out of the corner of her eye, Harley noticed Harold Gerry passing by.
"Best 'a luck ta you too, Harry!" She said.
Gerry simply walked off without saying a word.
"I have the feeling he had a pretty disturbed childhood." Harley surmised.
"Okay, Harley," Ivy nodded as Senator Riley left, "It's game time!"
Now Harley stood at her own podium while Senator Riley stood behind one and Gerry stood behind another. Thousands of cameras were pointed on them, as the news announcer spoke.
"Welcome to the final Presidential Debate!" The announcer spoke.
Harley looked at her hand which had the spell given to her written down on there. All Harley had to do was wait to be called on, and she'd say the words and that would be that.
"The first question is for Miss Quinzel." The Announcer spoke, as Harley began sweating.
"Miss Quinzel," The announcer said, "You started this campaign by saying that you believed in the good of the American people. How do you expect them to work with you, seeing as how you were formerly an accomplice to one of the most deranged criminals in America?"
"Well, I'm not saying everyone's perfect…" Harley began, "But I think I've made it clear that I've changed…"
"I'd like to bring up a point of interest." Gerry stated, "In the past, Ms. Quinzel has been often thought to be cured of whatever mental ailment led her to hooking up with The Joker, but time and time again, she has let us down. How do we know this isn't a plot by him?"
"Mr. Gerry, the question was for Ms. Quinzel…" The Announcer explained.
"I'd also like to ask about Mr. Gerry's previously revealed sex scandal with that cleaning woman…" Tiffany interjected.
While they were all distracted, Harley began reading from the words written on her arm in a hushed whisper.
Harley suddenly stopped and felt her blood go cold. The last part of the spell was smudged due to her sweating.
"Ah, nuts…" Harley whispered.
"Ms. Quinn?" Gerry asked, sarcastically taking full advantage of Harley's state of mind, "Do you have something to say?"
"Um…" Harley said, trying to think quickly, "Hakuna Matta?"
"So that's how Harley Quinn is going to win things over with Russia." Gerry said, smirking that irritating grin again, "Personally I'd just go with 'Hey, Val. Let's make a deal.'"
"IT'S KURI, HARLEY!" Pamela screamed from where she was, "IT'S KALI-DUNN, T-UNB, W'ASSUPB, KURI!"
"I'd like to advise our guests from using anything in foreign language," The announcer pointed out, "Subtitles can get confusing for those back home. I…"
He suddenly noticed Gerry was standing with his head lowered.
"Mr. Gerry?" He asked, "Are you all right?"
Suddenly, Gerry threw his head upwards and looked completely different. His skin now looked necrotized and his eyes were now pure black.
"YOU COW!" Gerry declared, waving his hand back and sending a wave of fire towards Harley, Tiffany, and Pamela.
Harley tackled Tiffany while jumping over the flame wave, as Pam rolled off-stage. The announcer on the other hand was not so fortunate and found his body disintegrated until there was nothing but a skeleton which then turned to ash.
"HA!" Harley grinned, "I called it!"
"Ms. Quinn what is that?!" Tiffany asked.
"It's apparently a great evil that was using him as a shell." Harley said, "Basically your worst fear and more."
"The dumb cow might've revealed my true form," The Great Destroyer declared, "But I will now annihilate you all!"
"HARLEY!" Ivy called, carrying something Harley instantly recognized, "They wouldn't let me bring any of your guns in here, but they let me bring this in. Go figure. Catch!"
With that, Ivy tossed the weapon. Harley crouched down and leapt up into the air. She caught the weapon and swung it around, before resting it on the back of her shoulders. Her signature oversized mallet was now in her hands.
"Hey, Gerry!" She called, "I heard you like having girls give you head! How about YOU give somebody head for a change!"
"You are a weak female who holds no strength!" Gerry taunted.
"Yeah?!" Harley said, picking up some speed before leaping up, "Well if Margot Robbie taught me anything, you don't know till you try!"
With that, Harley swung her mallet striking Harold in the head. The blow was so strong, that his head was knocked clean off his body, resulting in blood squirting everywhere.
"How's that fer 'Hammer Time?'" Harley asked, before helping Tiffany back up.
"Are ya okay?" Harley asked.
"Yes…" Tiffany said, catching her breath, "Thank you."
"I only wonder what's going to happen to me now." Harley asked.
"In a stunning turn of events, it seems as though Harley Quinn has been elected to President of the United States. This is mainly due to the fact, or in some people's cases, because, she knocked the head of Harold Gerry clean off his shoulders shortly after various sex scandal videos hit the internet."
"Does she even have a VP?"
"I believe that she appointed Pamela Isley to fill the position."
"It seems to be an extraordinary time. The voice of the common people will finally have a voice in the halls of power."
"I Harleen Quinzel, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me god."
"Does it count if she used her left hand on the bible?"
"Stop asking stupid questions."
After Harleen's swearing of oath, she imminently went straight to the congratulatory party where Senator Tiffany was there among many other people including her Coney Island crew. What was not to her surprise was when Amanda Waller showed up unannounced to have a word with the new President.
"Congratulations, President Quinzel." Waller stated, "Just know that you're not to go crazy with any nuclear codes or the like, because I have my finger over another destructive button of my own. Also know that next election we'll appoint someone who can rightfully run it."
"Fine." Harley sighed, "I'll enjoy it while it lasts. After all..."
She stopped as her eyes suddenly noticed somebody down the stairs outside of where the party was going on.
"Be right back!" She exclaimed, rushing away as secret service agents began following her closely. With that, Harley rushed out, jumping over the red velvet barrier and continued running through the crowd of people.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!" She said, "IT'S YOU! ARLEEN SORKIN!"
The 59-Year-Old Actress looked at the woman surprised. She had just gone out for a night on the town when this woman appeared before her and apparently seemed to be a fan, despite the woman also being a well-known enemy to Batman and the main squeeze to Batman's greatest foe. Still, she tried to be polite and friendly to her. This was the new President of the United States, after all.
"You…know me?" She asked, surprised.
"Know you?!" Harley laughed, reaching into her dress pocket and pulling out an autograph book and a pen, "My name's Harley Quinn but you probably know that from the funny pages. I've been a fan of yours since I first saw you on Days of Our Lives! Well, I saw a bunch of episodes on VHS with my Uncle Louie and Aunt Alice. Would you mind signing this for me?"
"Um, sure thing, President Quinn…" Arleen replied, writing something down in her autograph book, "I'm happy to hear that you actually enjoyed that show. Most people just associate me with the other role I played. Speaking of which, want to meet my friend?"
Harley's eyes widened.
"Your…friend?" She asked.
Arleen looked behind her and gestured.
"Hey, Mark!" She called out, "There's somebody here who wants to meet you!"
Harley's gasped as she felt her blood go cold as the newcomer approached her. Most adults knew him as the definitive hero of their childhood. An actor who played a character that went from space farm boy to savior of the galaxy. He was a bit heavy, but by no means fat. His blonde hair was whiter now, although it made Harley even more entranced since it reminded her of Sting's hair color. He also wore a black leather jacket and blue shirt and blue jeans with brown loafers.
"Hi, there, Ms. Quinn." The guy said, outstretching his hand to shake hers, "I'm Mark Hamill."
Harley tried saying something but all that came out was what sounded like complete gibberish as she was sweating bullets from her head. Meeting Sorkin was big enough but now Sorkin AND Mark Hamill?! Harley nonetheless shook Mark's hand as she tried to speak.
"Nunubididoo…" Harley said, as her lips went into a smile wider than somebody infected with Mister J's Joker Toxin, "Nuh-mur-nuh-murh-ni-nong-nurl…I'm nurmy murmy…nongy nangy…Gedurble-diggle-doggle-niggle-foggle-nibble-nay…"
"I think she'd like an autograph." Arleen smiled.
"Okay then," Mark said, taking Harley's Autograph book and pen and writing something down in there, before handing it back to her, "There you go, President. Enjoy!"
"Umm…" Harley said bringing out her iPhone, "Selfie…"
"Sure, why not!" Mark said, as they all leaned in and smiled.
With that, Harley took the photo and instantly hugged Mark tightly with a strong squeeze.
"Thank you BOTH!" Harley squeeled.
"You're welcome." Mark replied.
"You two rock!" Harley called going back to the party.
"And it's very good ta be the Chief."
So there you go. Hope you had a good laugh here and there, and hope you enjoyed, Rurrlock. Have a great Birthday! Once again, I own NOTHING. This is for FAN-Purpopses Only, so PLEASE don't sue!