10"There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery." – Dante Alighieri.
Chapter One – As Torn Flowers.
As a rule, Ryou had never had felt anything about hospitals. Some people don't like the smell, associated at once to antiseptics and medicine or then the environment itself, which invokes the idea of machines and needles as much as the sight of a green field does with the image of flowers. And there are some who can like a place like this, for the most varied reasons.
He was among the few who felt neither one thing nor the other, merely an indifference that, in his case, edged the absolute emptiness. When he was younger, he didn't like hospitals at all, but such emotions towards those places had been abandoned in his childhood along with the toys and picture books, burnt along with his house and his parents' corpses.
But he hated the way until the so called "Special Wing".
He was well aware it was more a question of his emotional system affecting his perception of the surroundings, but even so…
Following a hallway, passing by rooms and rooms, he walked behind Dr. Katsura ignoring the sounds that came from beyond the doors, too low to be correctly identified, accumulating themselves over his head in a thin, messy web. Even if they were just mutterings or typing sounds, they joined his thoughts and blocked the air and the lights lit in the ceiling as white jewels.
"I'm surprised you still come over here" The doctor said suddenly, attracting his attention as he stopped by an automatic door, placing a small card against a milky rectangle. A low "beep" of acknowledgment and acceptance, a circle of red light turning green and the door slid sideways, allowing their entrance.
Ryou held back a sigh. He knew it.
He just didn't know what was worse: The silence whose coldness invaded his body by force, aware that the doctor had things he wanted to say or having to actually hear him, the intentions taking shape in the sound of his words invading his body as a disease that his organism couldn't fight against.
Which didn't mean putting up with it without retorting.
"I have the right to…"
"You don't have the right to anything related to my patients" The doctor's voice was a cutting dagger and Dr. Katsura turned his face to Ryou just enough to cast him a look, a smile of soft lines holding all despise of who is forced to look upon a repugnant thing.
"However I do hope this is the last time."
The hallways now were of another nature. The rooms were sparse, there weren't as many doors. They passed by a large window that showed an environment of a rubber-looking floor and shapes that Ryou didn't care to look enough to decipher what they actually were. A guard walked by them, throwing needles with his eyes when noticing Ryou.
"As long as I can…" He started, being interrupted by the doctor again, who didn't turn to him this time.
"The trials are still ongoing, but at the end of the month I'll have reasons enough to stop you from seeing whoever it is without the risk of you coming back with your lawyer." Dr. Katsura waited for an instant before going on, always with the soft voice that Ryou believed that the man used only for him. "Miss Momomiya's parents are deeply committed to the cause..."
They and others, also counting with the support of all doctors involved in the case. Not to mention other people.
Mouth going dry, Ryou's hands closed into fits. He didn't need that cretin telling him any of this once he was personally involved in those trials. And in one of the occasions he had crossed paths with the Momomiya couple by chance, it had actually been in the hall of the hospital. The redheaded woman (who looked so much like her daughter that Ryou hadn't managed to look at her without feeling all his organs being twisted by invisible hands) seemed too pale and thin, tears escaping her brown eyes as blood from a wound. The man at her side had had to be held back by staff in his desire to fight Ryou, screaming curses and that he shouldn't ever be allowed even near the hospital again.
And mixed with the clear hate both had for him, Ryou had seen the pain in their eyes. The pain they felt for their daughter.
Unable of replying, he had just felt an emptiness that devoured everything inside. Oh, there were things that could have been said, yes, but they had only occurred to him later. And even so, it wouldn't have made a difference to the couple and he knew it…
"You can say whatever you want" He let the words get free from his chest, thought they weren't more than a repetition of past scenes, a staging that both men's nature seemed to demand each time they met, an uncontrollable reaction. "But all humanity would have died if it wasn't for them."
The doctor stopped when they reached a door with a single name in a rectangle, a black line among white.
"Yes, that much is true. If it wasn't for them. However, on another hand, neither of them would be here if it wasn't for you. So, go in, Ryou Shirogane…" Dr. Katsura hissed upon opening the door. "Go in and see what you have really done."
XxX
The room was a pale tone of peach matching the white walls. At a corner, there was a bed and a soft chair (which was actually a large beanbag) and also a pretty writing desk with shelves in the place of one of the legs, accompanied by a chair. Photos were stuck in the wall above the desk, but Ryou didn't want to look at them.
Under some aspects, it could be a normal room.
It was the other details that made all the difference.
The girl sitting cross-legged in the floor was looking through loose pages of a magazine, picking one and turning carefully. The noise at the door called her attention and upon seeing who it was, her back straightened and her head raised more.
"Oh, Shirogane!" The greeting had signals of excitement for the visit, her eyes lightening with a shine as she placed the pages together and left them at her side. "Ahh, it's so good to see you again!"
"Hi Ichigo…" The name tore his tongue as he approached when she seemed about to stand up, sitting down in front of the girl who just looked at him with a smile. A bitter thing inside him agitated, no matter how much he tried to quiet it down. Lately, this had been happening more frequently.
"It feels like so long! How are the others?" She asked, tilting her head to the side still with that smile which, like the shine in her eyes, was too alike the ones he had seen in the past and, at the same time, too different to allow him to fool himself.
Like the photos and everything else in that room, the vision was able to dry his blood.
"I think they should be fine, I…"
"That's good! That's good, right?" She clapped, hands involved in white mittens-styled gloves with a blue tie in the writs to keep them in place. The smile was replaced by childish curiosity as she leaned to him. "What about you?"
"Well…" Hesitation came to him. Anything that he had planned or wanted to say had hid so deep in his mind that Ryou no longer knew if he had ever thought about it or not. "I miss you all."
At least he wouldn't say lies.
The flesh of her face moved, forming again that smile that wasn't more than showing teeth whose shape was neither human nor feline, but something in between; white tombstones nestling rudely in the delicate gums.
"Don't be silly. You always visit!" Her voice still held the cheer Ryou recalled, that could be filled by indignation, especially when he used to tease her or demand overtime work at the Café. It was still possible to remember how she used to stand tiptoes due to the height difference between them when she protested against something he had said.
However now it was more like listening to a song out of cadence through a static that, while low, could still be noticed. A sound made of animal and human waves, desperate and happy, true and false.
In another occasion, a long time ago, Ryou could have replied her words with a sarcastic jest… Or she would have done it herself, maybe with some comment about him admitting missing them or that what he probably missed was being able to boss them around, especially her.
Those days were over.
The young man limited himself to nod. He noticed that the tip of one of her ears had a shredded look, as if pieces of the skin held needles underneath. A piece of flesh was missing from her other ear.
Ryou avoided looking at them.
"And you, how have you been?"
The red-haired girl's head tilted to the side again, quick movement of a nervous tick.
"I'm fine, fine. I'm hoping to see the others soon, too." For a moment, Ichigo seemed thoughtful, even if the smile didn't fade. "Perhaps tomorrow or after. Dr. Kakizawa always allows it." The voice slowly lowered to a muttering before jumping to a high laugh, twisted in its sound. One of her hands ran over her face, shivering in nervous spasms. One of her ears moved, showing lines that were scarred flesh.
"She is a good person…" Ryou commented, not wanting to say how the woman was among the people who spoke against him in court and quite vehemently.
There was no reason to upset Ichigo with such topics.
There was no reason to upset her with anything.
The girl shook herself in giggles, moving her head back a little. The hair was a curtain falling at the height of her shoulders and, as washed and well-kept as it was, it was nothing but a dead thing of a dull red.
It was another paradox, just like the happiness in her voice or the light in her eyes. Her appearance was overall healthy and, personal feelings for the staff and doctors aside, Ryou knew she was being well treated, but…
"Yes! She is always so kind! I like her. She always manages to get me the books I ask and when I feel like watching a movie, too. When I leave for the gardens, she stays with me and we talk and talk!" The girl told him between that sound that was her giggle now and Ryou could only nod, trying to appreciate just how he could see her again.
The black snake that was the young girl's tail rested in the floor. It had always been full of energy and it was a rare sight to see it still. It used to wave even more when Ichigo laughed. Once, when she had been eating one of Keiichiro's special cakes, she had been happy enough so her ears and tail appeared, but since the Café was closed, she hadn't minded it at all. Seeing her tail whipping then, Ryou had commented about it with Keiichiro and the older man's reply had been that it made him think about kittens when they are playing with some yarn.
Now her tail had no movement and part of it was wrapped in bandages. Here and there the fur was messy and ruffled.
Like the cat's ears, that would never again regain the human shape.
"Good to hear…" What else he could say? He hated how each gesture and word now had to be reflected upon as he missed when he could speak with her freely, without worrying so much about the reactions it could cause.
"Hey, do you remember when Lettuce dropped that cake? Right when we were celebrating our victory against that Chimera, the first battle we had after she joined us?" Ichigo asked suddenly as if her mind had caught some wave of Ryou's memories and he needed to smile, confirming it slowly as his mind was taken by the remembrance. "She was mortified, but it was kinda funny!"
Yes, he could remember it well. Ichigo had wanted to commemorate (more the finding of another member of the group than the victory itself) and had laughed, a human and genuine laugh, as she hugged her new friend telling her that it was okay while Lettuce blushed and started a fit of apologies, eyes glued to the floor.
In those days, that seemed to belong to another life, Ichigo's eyes always had a light of their own, filled by whatever emotion she felt at the moment. There was nothing that connected them to the eyes that Ryou saw now, corneas taken by the pink iris, the pupils a black line and the light in them now something cold and dead, unable to bestow them the true emotion of before.
Almost as if something in her body recalled how it was before and tried to reproduce it by force.
There were times when Ryou thought that he was forgetting how Ichigo was back then, her voice, her human eyes (the memory of what seemed melted chocolate came more from factual knowledge than visual memory).
He regretted not having photos of the group. And he knew there was no use in asking her parents for one, either.
"Our luck that the Café was already closed" He commented, ignoring his insides twisting in the sack that was his skin. "Keiichiro had made another cake anyway, but she was still so embarrassed…"
Ichigo's eyes remained in him as if seeing through him and the girl carried on as if she hadn't heard the comment, waving one of her hands wrapped in the glove.
"Then she got better, but at first she was always too nervous while carrying the plates and all!" That laugh again, muscles of her face frozen in that smile in such way that Ryou almost saw the shape of the muscles against the skin, ready to tear it apart. "It was kinda funny. I told her how at first I got nervous too, nervous, afraid of dropping everything! And break aaaaall plates!"
"You had never worked on a Café before, it was natural" As he talked, Ryou tried again to avoid his memories to be tainted by those which had brought him here and also the reason why they had started to work at the Café in the first place.
"And Mint never wants to work, always around with her tea!"
"The afternoon tea…" It didn't matter even if Ryou tried to talk to her, as he had once tried in private: The girl had insisted that she wasn't going to interrupt her daily ritual of so many years for a job that she didn't even consider real. "You reprimanded her at least twice a week for this."
Perhaps in the end, that had also been part of their "routine". Small behavior patterns that they held on to, as one would to a lucky charm. A weak attempt to bring more "normality" to their lives.
"The afternoon ritual!" She said a little louder, the strange teeth reflecting the light. One of them, at the side of the right lower canine, had one of the corners slightly higher giving it the impression of a cracked tooth. "I've always hated tea, Purin also says she doesn't knooow why Mint likes it!"
"She was the only one who did" The idea of the past days made his veins pulsate. Mint sitting by the usual table with her cup as Ichigo yelled at her to stand up and work like everyone else, Purin juggling, Lettuce shyly asking clients if they were ready to order… The blonde wasn't sure if he wanted to smile at this or not. A poison grew inside his veins each day, overcoming the caring and warmth from the memories, killing any good sensation.
"I've never seen Zakuro drink tea, I don't think she enjoys it either" The phrase started normally, but her voice started to dry, the smile faded, melting away…
"Ichigo…" He started, not knowing what to say, but suddenly her smile was back.
"I don't think Zakuro is having too much free time, no, not with the modeling and photos, but I bet Mint is really enjoying it, drinking tea whenever she can, right? Right?" She insisted before Ryou had time even to hesitate, unaware of the coldness her words gave birth to in his bones.
"I… I guess so…" The answer was careful (God, what else could he say?) and he suddenly wished he could reach out and caress her, touch her cheek, anything. "It's just how she is, isn't it?"
"Yes, of course, always. The afternoon tea! The afternoon tea!" Ichigo repeated, raising her voice and it was hard to tell if she intended to imitate her friend or not. "Never liked tea, my mom agrees. My dad likes some when he gets sick, but he will rather have coffee. Coffee, irrrrk! Too bitter! Bitter!"
"And… And your parents?" The question came without a thought, he just hoped he could lead the conversation back to a path he felt firmness, no matter how unpleasant the subject was for him. At least a topic that was more… More of the present.
The girl tiled her head, curious by the nature of the question.
"Oh, whatever do you mean? They always come here too! Of course they do, why not? Or… Or you thought they wouldn't come? Or… They won't? They won't come here again? That's what you think?" Her whispers became faster, the tone vibrated with varied waves, too interconnected to allow Ryou to distinguish if it was nervousness, fear, anger, curiosity or any other thing. As if her own voice couldn't decide how it wanted to sound.
"No, nothing like this, I just wanted to know about your visits, that's all!" Ryou hurried up to say. The words didn't reach Ichigo, who carried on, her cadence alternating at each word, eyes not moving once.
"They always come! Always! They always… Come… Here… Here" For a second, she tilted her head again, letting it fall to the side in such way that her neck could have broke suddenly. There was uncertainty now of what she was talking about or perhaps where she was before Ichigo went back to vomit her words. "They promised and they never break their promises! They always come. Everyday! They always say I'm still their daughter, that's why they always visit, everyday! Every… Day? Well, I… I think? Here, here… Masaya… Masaya was going to come, to see me too…"
Ryou felt the desert in his mouth and there was a moment in which his heart no longer existed.
"Oh, God..."
"Ichigo…" Leaning to her, he called her calmly, trying to get her attention, to somehow bring her back from among the fragments of her mind.
"Masaya, Masaya. He was going to come and see me" She lowered her head, the smile crawling away again. Ryou leaned closer, fearing that he was going to see tears in her eyes.
Ichigo raised her head.
The smile was an open cut bleeding memories and thoughts that the mind was unable to keep, broken shards that went everywhere and couldn't be placed in a fixated reality.
Her feline eyes pierced him, two pinkish fires lighted by the Hell that her interior had became, but Ichigo couldn't see anything anymore.
"What is here, again? And Masaya? He was going to visit me… Do you think he won't? Maybe he doesn't know the way. That must be it, right? Oh, do tell him when you see him, okay, Shirogane? He must want to come and he can't, that's must be it, so tell him… Or ask Akasaka… Akasaka, Akasaka" She repeated almost in a nursery rhyme way (perhaps no longer able to associate the name with the person) before her eyes shivered in the sockets. It was nearly impossible to make out the words running over each other in her mouth, voice jumping in volume and tone. "Oh, of course, maybe Masaya doesn't want to come… He wouldn't tell me, of course, it would be rude, but even if so we can't go out together, me and Masaya, I know, of course. No, no, not like this, not like this…"
Before Ryou's vocal chords could even start to make a word, the girl jumped, standing in a single movement that, at another time, would have been gracious. Her whispers were human words in the voice of a wildcat and she tried to hold her ears, stopped by the gloves.
"Ichigo, listen to me, okay?" He stood as well and attempted to hold her shoulders, but the creature walked away still emitting those weird sounds until, with a cry of frustration, she rubbed her gloves against the ears with all her strength. The man could hear the friction of skin and fur against the fabric.
"Not like this, not like this! Don't you understand? I do, I do! Of course Masaya wouldn't come to see me when I'm like this! Or my parents!" And she muttered the boy's name and then her parents, the only human sounds lost among others.
"Wait, Ichigo, please!"
Maybe she heard him, maybe she didn't. In a way or another, she wasn't able to listen.
There was thump when her body hit the padded wall, against which she started to forcibly rub her ear, hands pressing the side of her head as she stomped the padded floor, using it as a support to force all her weight against the wall, scrubbing and scrubbing the skin.
"I'M HUMAN! HUMAN!"
"ICHIGO, DON'T!" He cried out, trying to go to her. The girl agitated her hand in the hair to push him away as if trying to scratch, tail moving for the first time since he had entered the room and whipping the air. All the time, her muttering didn't cease. Ryou couldn't tell anymore if she even knew where she truly was.
Among groans, he still could make out three words, repeating endlessly.
"Masaya… Daddy, mommy… Masaya…"
The girl who had been Ichigo Momomiya let out an incoherent scream, scrubbing her head with more force, hitting her hands against her body until she started to bite the gloves in the despair to get free.
"Wait, please!" He still tried to hold her, but she kicked him with an animal-like sound. Filled with nothing more than broken dreams and self loathing, the girl bit the fabric around her hands, then lifting her tail and leaning to bite the flesh, pulling and tearing.
Ryou couldn't look away.
Red dripped against the floor, petals of torn flowers. The fabric of the gloves gave in, rips freeing the hands that she used against each other, cat claws thick and twisted coming out of the withered fingers. The skin a web of scars.
Claws attacked the ears with ferocious movements, seeking to destroy them, to tear them apart.
When Ryou realized, men tried to hold her. Ichigo laughed and cried, meowed and screamed… Red drops and black full fell of her body as snowflakes, the color highlighted against the peach of the floor.
"Miss. Momomiya, no!"
The girl still tried to rip her own body, struggling as the men held her arms to stop her. Screams and laughs were intertwined by sobs… As if something in her was still lucid enough to know and understand, though it was too weak to help.
Dr. Katsura came in, a syringe in hands. The girl hissed and hunched her back, tail waving and sending fur and blood around. Her teeth and claws were stronger than those of normal cats and her wounds bled and bled…
With low words of someone trying to soothe a frightened animal or a small child, the doctor pressed the needle against the girl's arm, one of the men holding her chin so she wouldn't bite her own tongue. There were still hisses, still attempts at fighting…
Slowly, a mist took over her gaze. Bones lost strength and she became a doll in the hands of the men, who laid her carefully upon the bed bolted to the floor.
"Kuroha, you stay here. Yukimura, get Dr. Kakizawa" Dr. Katsura ordered, the firm voice not betraying the shivering that existed in his eyes. Both men nodded and the one of light hair went out of the room as his partner remained at the side of the girl's bed. Her eyes were closed, a low sound escaping her throat.
Dr. Katsura gazed to the photos… Frozen images of a past that wouldn't ever return.
Ryou, however, looked to the blood stains… Red petals that remind him of a future that was a torn flower.
Ana: So... Yeah, this isn't going to be exactly a happy story, nor will it have a happy ending. I won't go in details now, but you can guess the toll of the war got to the mews and... It left them pretty scarred, even if they did win and no one had to be sacrificed. It doesn't change all the months worrying, the memory of the fights, the mental pressure.
As I said, I don't want to go into details now, so on with the reviews. As always, they are what keep me happy and healthy. English isn't my first language, so if anyone notices a typo or grammar error, please tell me.
CONTINUE: Thanks for the first review! Don't worry, I'll carry on and each chapter will focus on one of the mews. You guessed right, this is a mental hospital. Ichigo was the first, next chapter will be with Mint.
Chibi Haru-chan17: Oiê. Ah, mas você conhece as outras áreas que eu posto, garota. Bem, como pode ver, o que vem por aí não é nada tipo "flores e sonhos". Sejamos francas, uma guerra deixa cicatrizes. Ainda mais uma que envolve o destino de toda a humanidade.