Summary: Sasuke is forced to visit his daughter for Halloween and comes dressed as a bouquet of dicks - I mean...a loving father, and has no idea that Kakashi is sleeping with his ex-wife. Crack. KakaSau/Thinly veiled Sasuke torture fic. (Because I get off on torturing everyone's favorite deadbeat daddy. Happy Halloween, everyone!)
Sasuke's Spooky Halloween
It's 6 o'clock on Halloween night when Sasuke stalks up to the Uchiha manor and rings the doorbell, muttering under his breath. Per their latest custody agreement, he has to visit Sarada once every four weeks; he was blackmailed into coming over for the holidays when Sakura threatened to finally tell their friends why she ended their marriage. (In his own defense, 'Itachi' and 'touch me' sound a lot alike when you're tangled in the throes of passion.)
Sakura greets him with a tight smile. "Oh. Sasuke. You made it - and you're only seven hours late. What a surprise." He says nothing as he invites himself in and takes a seat at the kitchen table.
"I see you didn't dress up as anything," Sakura observes. "I wish you could've gotten into the Halloween spirit for Sarada's sake."
"What should I have dressed up as?" Sasuke snaps, indignant. "It's not like I have any spare time to find a costume. I save the world on a daily basis, in case you didn't remember."
"Well, you could have dressed up as a loving, doting father," Sakura smiles sweetly. "Then again, you do look good as a prolapsed asshole. It suits you."
Upon hearing his voice, Sarada runs and bursts into the kitchen, smiling and looking adorable in her ballerina outfit. "Daddy! You're here!"
"Unfortunately," Sasuke mutters. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Sakura hurries to answer it; to her surprise, it's Kakashi, and for once he's early.
"Yo," Kakashi greets her. "Is Sarada ready?" He offered to take Sarada and a few of her friends out trick or treating to give Sakura some well deserved rest and relaxation. (It takes work being the single parent of a child dealing with paternal abandonment.)
"The witch is in," Sakura says under her breath, and Kakashi gazes toward the kitchen as he puts two and two together. They give each other a knowing look. "Look at how sweet you all look in your costumes!" Sakura exclaims, feigning normalcy and ushering the kids inside.
"Oh. Kakashi," Sasuke says, shooting him a disinterested glance before looking away...and staring longingly at himself in the reflection of the microwave. His stunning features distract him from the fact that it's a little odd their former sensei showed up at their house on Halloween.
"Sasuke," Kakashi greets him politely, leaning against the counter as Sakura goes into the living room to take pictures of the kids. An awkward, heavy silence hangs in the room.
"So...we'll be back at around 8 so you and Sarada can visit," Kakashi says. "The kids won't be too long."
"No other plans tonight?" Sasuke asks, looking vaguely suspicious.
Just planning on making mind blowing love to your ex-wife until she's clawing up my back. "Nope," Kakashi says.
"Hm," Sasuke grunts dismissively. For being such a genius, he sure is oblivious.
"Okay! Looks like everyone's ready to go," Sakura announces as she walks back into the kitchen. Kakashi is thankful that he'll be able to finally sneak away; Sasuke is grateful to get some much needed privacy so he can continue eyefucking himself. But then the kids clamber in, a ball of chaos and candy-induced hyperactivity - and when they see Sasuke, they go apeshit.
"Cool! Look at his eye! He's like a chameleon!"
"Yeah, what's he supposed to be? He's weird. I like it."
"Aw, man. I knew I should've gone as a narcissistic bouquet of dicks." (Oh, wait. No one really said that.)
All the kids squabble amongst themselves and Sasuke looks painfully constipated. A grin creeps across Sakura's face as she's struck by a brilliant idea. "Kids! How many of you want Sasuke to take you door to door?"
Every little grubby hand shoots up as all the kids stare at Sasuke's eye, strangely mesmerized. Why always me? Sasuke thinks miserably.
"It's settled, then!" Sakura declares, clasping her hands. She's all smiles as she leans in toward Sasuke and whispers, "And if you don't go, I'll let the judge know your last support check bounced." She winks and pats him on the shoulder. Sasuke gives her a withering stare before he relents, terrified of losing his lifestyle of eternal bachelorhood.
As he takes the kids around Konoha, Sarada helps catch Sasuke up on what's been happening over the last several years by talking...and talking, and talking some more, until she's almost blue in the face, much to his displeasure. In the process someone sneaks and wipes their sticky fingers on his cloak. He twitches and resists the urge to open a portal and send all their asses to another dimension.
"Look at all this yummy candy!" Sarada exclaims, eyes gleaming. She rifles through her trick or treat bag, then shoves a handful of something into Sasuke's pockets.
"What's that?" Sasuke frowns.
"Oh. It's the ones I don't want," Sarada grimaces. "They're kind of gross." Indeed, he's been stuck with Whoppers, rock hard Tootsie rolls, 13 packets of candy corn, butterscotch candies, and...an apple? He can't stand candy, so he tosses it aside. That apple, on the other hand...
Sadly for Sasuke, he takes one bite and slashes his tongue on a razor blade. Blood starts pouring everywhere from the cut inside his mouth. All the kids stare, eyes going wide.
"How's he doing that?"
"Hey..." One of the kids says, pointing in horror. "That's real BLOOD! EWWW!"
They give a collective shriek, scattering every which way. For the next two hours, Sasuke has to search among dozens of nearly identical costumes to find his charges, all while Sakura and Kakashi enjoy pumpkin spiced Martinis and life's sweetest little ironies.