28Disclaimer: "Elizabeth . . . it would never have worked between us darling." –Captain Jack Sparrow
A/N: Dark Lord of the X-men, I am as always sorry for the delay. (Like, seriously, really incredibly sorry.)
Part I: Logan Howlett and the Wedding He Didn't Want to Plan Anyway
Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock are getting married.
In order of importance, this is going to be:
1. terrifying
2. a disaster
3. beautiful
Logan isn't going to cry though, no matter what Kitty says. He hasn't gone soft, and he doesn't care how many people show him photos of him smiling sappily at Stripes or Red or even Chuck, once. He may be old, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what Photoshop is, okay. Those pictures are fake.
He's been glaring at Snowball and the Elf for hours while the two idiots try to arrange tassel vines for the wedding around the mansion. The arbor Logan built with Scott is starting to sag to one side, he hasn't seen Kitty since she ran off this morning promising to get the photographer arranged, and he's one hundred percent certain that Stripes is in a closet somewhere with that Cajun swamp rat.
So far, it hasn't been a great day for Logan.
"Logan!" Chuck says cheerfully, wheeling onto the balcony where Logan has retreated to try escaping the chaos. "Isn't this a wonderful day?"
Logan is definitely the only sane person in this place.
"Chuck," he says, "I hate weddings. Also," he adds, untruthfully, "I hate Wade."
"That's not true," Chuck puts in. Logan keeps talking like he didn't say a word.
"So why did you make me help plan this stupid wedding?"
Chuck leans back in his chair and puts his hands under his chin, folded together like he's praying. Despite the fact that he's leaning back, he somehow gives the impression that he's resting his chin on his fingers. No matter how many times Logan's seen him do it, it's still impressive.
"Logan," Chuck says, "I know that secretly, deep down inside of yourself, the happiness of your friends means a great deal to you."
Logan's actually not listening anymore, because he has to save $200 worth of tassels from being torn apart by the two knuckleheads who are supposed to be arranging them. "Hey!" he shouts, claws shoving out of his fists. "You two are gonna get this right, so help me, or I'll be cuttin' something off!" He stomps off to deal with Kurt and Bobby, who look terrified and amused. But mostly terrified.
Charles sighs. "Deep, deep down," he says.
000
Betsy and Wade sent out the invitation two months ago. Logan was standing in the middle of the mansion's kitchen when he got the news, contemplating the very old, slow coffee maker that should have been retired years ago. Everyone in the mansion had some kind of sentimental attachment to the stupid thing, except for Logan, who was first, practical, and second, tired of waiting an hour for his coffee in the morning when modern technology had progressed to the point where he could have it in only a few minutes.
Logan did not live through four wars and the entirety of the 1900's for slow brewing coffee.
The peaceful silence of the kitchen was shattered by Rogue bursting through the door and hollering at the top of her lungs, "BETSY'S GETTIN' MARRIED!"
Logan grunted, because why should he care and then he remembered who Betsy's boyfriend was, and consequently, who she was likely to be getting married to.
"Gimme that," he growled, and swiped the invitation out of Rogue's hand, ignoring her indignant squawk.
He stared down at the piece of paper in his hand, announcing doom and destruction and the probable end of the world in thirteen simple, horrifying words. You are cordially invited to the wedding of Wade Wilson and Elizabeth Braddock…
Invited, it said. You are cordially invited to the wedding. Not, you are cordially about to be roped into hosting, planning, and preparing the wedding of your not-best friend and a telepathic supermodel ninja.
(Which, honestly? Logan can hardly believe Betsy is a real person most days. And don't even get him started on Wade.)
Betsy and Wade have basically no money (of their own –Betsy's parents are stupidly rich) and no idea how to plan a wedding, so Chuck offered the Institute for the ceremony and reception. Gambit, inexplicably, offered to deal with catering, Jean and Scott put themselves in charge of getting everyone dressed properly, and somehow, through no fault of his own, Logan has ended up as the wedding planner, directing all of this nonsense.
Which leads to things like this.
"Jimmy!"
"Don't call me that," Logan retorts automatically. He turns around and glares at the irascible, uncontrollable, extremely irritating pain in his backside. Wade grins at him.
"Jimmy," Wade says again, as if Logan hadn't spoken. He considers stabbing Wilson in the throat but decides not to risk the carpet. They just replaced it last month.
"What?" he growls instead.
"Come with me to call Betsy's family."
Logan knows he's going to regret this. Darn his curiosity! "Why?" he asks.
Wade pouts. He's wearing jeans and a hoodie, so he doesn't have his mask. All of his scars are on display, white slices and pits in his unaccountably tan face. He's arguably the most dangerous person in the building, and he pouts like a four year old. "I might get nervous and forget what I'm trying to say."
"Why are you waiting so long to call them anyway? The wedding is tomorrow!" A thought occurs. "You have told them that you're marrying their daughter, right?" He wouldn't put it past Wade to just… not mention it.
"Well," Wade shrugs. "Betsy told them. They hung up."
Logan scowls. Betsy Braddock is a beautiful human being (Logan will deny thinking this later, even though Jean definitely heard him) and she doesn't deserve for her parents to be jerks about her marriage.
Even if they have a good point. Wade is very much an acquired taste.
"Fine," Logan sighs, but only because Wade is pathetic and annoying, not because Logan actually cares.
Of course not.
The phone call goes something like this:
Betsy's mother picks up the phone and says, "Hello." Wade panics and throws the phone at Logan.
"Mrs. Braddock," he says, glaring at Wade.
"Yes? Who is this?"
"This is Logan Howlett, ma'am. I'm… I'm a friend of your daughter."
"Oh!"
"I'm helping her plan her wedding–" He gets no further.
"Her wedding? To that ruffian scoundrel running around with a sword? We met him once, and let me tell you, we are not happy with this arrangement! Not one bit!" She sounds like that Wonder Nanny lady, very hoity-toity and British.
Logan grits his teeth, conscious of Wade biting his fingernails and listening to every word. "I understand, ma'am, but Betsy wants to know when she can expect your family for the wedding. Are you flying in tonight–"
"She doesn't respect our opinion at all! We didn't give our blessing for this! That man doesn't even look human."
Logan loses his temper. "You know what, lady? Fine. You don't like Wade? You don't like this marriage? Fine. You're un-invited. Your daughter wanted to share her big day with you, but you can't get past the fact that she's marrying Wade. Who, incidentally, is my best friend, so as far as I'm concerned, you can take a high dive off a cliff. We won't call again." He slams the phone into the cradle.
Wade is staring.
"Shut up," Logan says. Wade starts to grin.
"Aw, Jimmy."
"Shut up," he says again, gruffly.
000
Rogue, actually, is not in a closet with Remy LeBeau, excuse you Logan.
She is in the infirmary with Remy LeBeau, but no closets are involved, at all.
The idea is that since both of them hate the infirmary with the passion of a thousand burning suns, no one will think to look for them here. They almost never get the chance to be alone, and neither one of them wants to deal with anyone screaming, "I told you so!" about their relationship.
Also, the infirmary has latex gloves and surgical masks.
"Remy," Rogue moans as he presses his surgical mask-covered lips to her pulse. Her eyes flutter and then… he stops and pulls away. Which, wait, what?
"What?"says Remy.
"What?" says Rogue. "Why'd you stop?" She's maybe pouting, a little bit.
"You said my name," Remy defends himself.
"Actually," says Rogue, glaring up at her stupid, attention-paying boyfriend, "I moaned your name."
It takes a moment. She loves this boy, but he can be kind of slow sometimes.
"Oh," he says finally, eyes widening.
"Yes."
"Oh." He's grinning. It looks like it's trying to be smug, but instead it's shyly pleased and stupidly adorable. Rogue wants to roll her eyes but also kiss him again. She debates and then sacrifices one desire for another and pushes her lips into his.
Well, she pushes her surgical mask against his, which will have to do for now.
000
Logan is grumbling. This isn't unusual: Logan usually is grumbling. But right now he's grumbling about floral arrangements, which is not a common topic for Logan Grumbles.
"Kid, I don't care what color the flowers are. Just bring some home so we can get to putting 'em up already!"
Jubilee, on the other end of the line, informs Logan that matching colors are Important for Weddings and anyway, the florist is already fixing the mix-up. "It'll only take another two hours," she says.
"Two hours?" Logan groans. "What are they putting in there, imported Sampaguita?"
"Oh!" Jubilee gasps. "Do you think we should ask them to?"
"No!" Logan exclaims. "Just let them do the job and get back here as soon as possible, okay?" He hangs up and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Trouble?" Chuck pops up like he always seems to when Logan starts getting a headache. He gives Chuck a suspicious look and shakes his head.
"There's some kind of problem with the flowers… I don't know. Jubilee is taking care of it." He cracks his knuckles and then his neck. "You seen Half-Pint around?"
"Kitty? No, I haven't seen her since this morning."
"Yeah," Logan sighs. "Me too. She's supposed to be finding a photographer. This is New York! How hard can it be to find some kid who wants to make a few hundred bucks taking pictures of a wedding?"
Chuck hides a smile. Well, he thinks he's hiding it, but Logan has eyes in the back of his skull, Professor, you can't hide from him. "I believe Kitty is attempting to find a slightly higher caliber of photographer."
Logan rolls his eyes so hard he's surprised they don't fall out of his head. "She's still late. And where is that Cajun?"
"I saw him and Rogue in the basement," Bobby chirps as he skates by with his arms full of Christmas lights. Logan catches him by the arm.
"We're not putting up Christmas lights, bub. Put 'em back."
"Aww." Bobby sulks.
"Logan, there's no need to be grumpy," Chuck admonishes.
Logan! Jean yells straight into his head. Problem!
"Logan!" Kurt exclaims breathlessly.
"Kitty! Kitty!" his phone starts shrieking. (Logan doesn't go in for frilly ringtones. The name of whoever is calling him does just fine.)
"Jimmy!" Wade sticks his head over the balcony above them and waves his arms frantically. "Got a problem!" Is it wrong to kill the groom the day before the wedding? Maybe it's okay if he'll come back to life?
"Now, Logan," Chuck says indulgently.
"Logan!"
"Logan!"
"Jimmy!"
Logan very seriously considers punching himself in the face, claws first.
A/N: Sampaguita is the national flower of the Philippines. It's in the jasmine family.
I'm baaaaack! Updates weekly, on Mondays. Dark Lord, if it looks like I'm gonna forget, feel free to remind me!
Next Part: Wade hasn't written his vows, Betsy's dress doesn't fit, Rogue and Remy are nowhere to be found, and Kitty is running away with the photographer.