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Disclaimer: All rights of the show belongs to Chris Savino except for OC characters. Also any jokes or references from other shows belong to their respective owners.


Zak was in the living room making some phone calls. Zak called up a local bar.

Voice: Hello?

Zak: Yes, I'm looking for someone. Last name: Butz, First name: Seymour.

Voice: Hang on, I'll check. *talking to the other people in the bar* Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz? *raising his voice* Hey, everybody ! I want a Seymour Butz!

Zak could hear laughter at the other end and started to laugh too.

Voice: What? *suddenly realizes the prank* Oh, you little pun-! *Zak quickly hangs up*

Zak: *still laughing* Hahaha! Oh man, that was priceless! Hahaha!

Then, Lincoln came in the living room playing with his virtual reality glasses. He was playing a game that involves zombies, who can be killed by breakdancing.

Lincoln: Take that, zombie! *twerks* Feel my twerk, you evil jerk! *killing zombie; does a pelvic thrust* HOO!

Lincoln continues to breakdance up the stairs while Zak just stares at his direction.

Zak: *thinks* He's enjoying that way to much.

Zak decided to watch TV, but couldn't find anything to watch. While he was channel surfing, his older sister Lori came down the stairs.

Lori: Zak. *Zak looks behind him* I'm going out for a bit, so don't do anything bad while I'm gone.

Zak: *mocking salutes* Yes, ma'am.

Lori just rolls her eyes at his antics and was out the door. Before she even left the driveway in Vanzilla , Lincoln came running down the stairs and goes to the door looking angry.

Lincoln: LORI! YOU DIRT BAG!

But she already left in the family van.

Zak: Whoa Linc, what's up with you?

Lincoln: *still angry* Lori destroyed my glasses and didn't even say sorry!

Zak: *whistles* Dang, dude. So, what are ya gonna do?

Lincoln: You'll see. But I need to call Clyde first.

A few minutes later, Lincoln explained what happened to Clyde in his and Zak's room.

Clyde: *holding the goggles* I can't believe it!

Lincoln: I know! She didn't even say sorry!

Clyde: *lovestruck* No. I can't believe these were touched by Lori's beautiful tootsies….

Zak: *looking at Clyde weirdly* Oookay….* turns to Lincoln* So, what are ya gonna do, bro?

Lincoln: I'll tell you what I'm going to do! I'm going to give Lori a call she will never forget….

Lincoln goes to the drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper and shows it to Clyde and Zak.

Clyde: *reads* Why 'blank' is the worst sister ever?

Lincoln: *smiles evilly* I knew this would come in handy someday. I just didn't know which sister would be getting it.

Zak: *eying Lincoln* Say, you would happen to write one about me, would you?

Lincoln: Oh no, Z. I know you wouldn't do something like this.*smiles evilly again* But you, Lori Loud, have made my decision very easy.

Lincoln begins to dial Lori's number on his duck phone while Luna is in the hallway jamming.

Lincoln: *getting impatient* Agh. Must be charging her phone. No worries. I'll just leave it on her voicemail.

Voicemail: Hey, this is Lori. You know what to do. *beep*

Lincoln: Hey, Lori. This is your dear brother, Lincoln. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are….

Then he goes into a blindingly raging rant about Lori while Luna came in the room rocking out to block out any profanity . While Clyde looked horrified as his crush has getting trash talked, Zak had a huge smile on his face.

Lincoln: AND THAT IS WHY ARE THE WORST SISTER EVER! *hangs up* What do you think, guys?

In response, Clyde faints.

Zak: Lincoln, I didn't think I could be more proud of you. *sniffles*

Lincoln: Uh, thanks?

Zak: Where you learn words like that anyway ?

Lincoln: From you. *deadpanned*

Zak: Oh.

Then Lori came in their room.

Lori: Hey, bro. I just wanna say I'm so sorry I stepped on your stupid toy. So I went out and bought you a stupid new one.

Both brothers surprised by her generosity but only Lincoln spoke on it.

Lincoln: You did what now?

Lori: *hands him the new glasses* Also, I'm very impressed you didn't freak out over this. Very mature.

Lincoln: *nervously chuckles* Yep. That's me. Mr. Mature.

After Lori left, Lincoln starts to freak out.

Zak: *looking at Lincoln* I'll say something nice at your funeral.

Lincoln: Not helping! What have I done. I called Lori a- *guitar riff* -when she's actually a- *harp string* What am I gonna do?!

Zak: Whoa relax, Linc. Breath. *putting his hand on his back*

Lincoln calmed down his breathing and looked at his brother.

Zak: She clearly hasn't listened to the voicemail otherwise, you would be dead meat by now, right?

Lincoln: *nodding his head* Hey! You're right! We gotta delete that message.

Clyde: *comes to* Huh? *falls over*

Lincoln: Good talk.

The three boys peaks out the door. Lola was tracking droppings that lead from Lynn and Lucy's room to Luan and Luna's. Lincoln had to figure out a way to get into Lori and Leni's room without being caught.

Lincoln: Perfect! Lori doesn't have her cell which means it's still charging. Our mission is to infiltrate her room and delete the message before she gets back.

Clyde: But Lori's room is off-limits.

Lincoln: I know. That's why I need you to be on the lookout for her.

Clyde: That's easy. I'm always on the lookout for Lori.

Zak: *thinks* Yeah, that's not weird at all. *then says out loud* What do I do, Linc?

Lincoln looks out the door to see the twins still patrolling the hallway.

Lincoln: I know! You can distract Lola and Lana and make sure they don't see me. Think you can handle it?

Zak: Phfff. Can't be that hard.

Lincoln: Great! *puts on a black snow hat* Go time!

Lincoln sneaks by while the twins check the sound he made only to see him nowhere. Then Zak came to distract them.

Lola: You got a hall pass, young man? *sees Lincoln hiding up on top of the doorway*

Zak: *gasping* I think I see Geo trying to make a run for it.

Points the other way and while the twins were looking, he pulled out a hamster treat out of his hoodie pocket and tosses it behind him. Making their pet hamster Geo go after it.

Lana: Hey, furball! No speeding!

The twins go after the hamster.

Twins: Hey! What did we just say? Get back here!

Zak gives Lincoln the 'OK' and Lincoln made his way to the vents.

Lincoln: I'm in.

Clyde: *holding the schematics of the house* Great. Proceed two clicks north, hook a left, and you should be right over the target.

Lincoln heads down the pathway.

Lincoln: I've got eyes on the package.

He successfully breaks into Lori's room and finds the phone still charging. But he had to act fast because Lori was coming. Then, Clyde comes in to distract her. He immediately rushes to the stairway. He draws a moustache on his upper lip with a marker and tears off his shirt, revealing a white tux he was apparently wearing and acted suave towards Lori, it sweeps her off her feet.

Clyde: Hey, beautiful, you take these stairs often?

Lori: *throws her arms around him* I will now…. handsome~…... *winks at him*

Lincoln then took the phone off the charger and deleted the voicemail. The plan was successful, at least in the dramatization.

Lincoln: And that's how we're gonna do it!

Clyde: Love it! Especially the part where I get to talk to Lori. * starts to put perfume on himself*

Zak: *coughs* What kind of perfume is that?

Clyde: It's my nana's

Lincoln: Here are the blueprints for the vents. *hands Clyde the drawings of the house which has red stains on them*

Clyde: Are those food stains?

Lincoln: I eat ketchup-sandwiches while I floor-plan.

Zak: *muttered to himself* I have no idea why. *then hears a door opening* Lori's coming!

Lincoln: Okay, let's do this.

Clyde: *goes to position from the dramatization* I'M IN POSITION.

The loud feedback from the radio causes Lincoln to fall over.

Lincoln: Roger that. *sees Lola writing Lily up for not wearing a diaper*

Lola: No, I can't let you off with a warning.

Lily: *laughs*

Lincoln continues to sneak his way to Lori's room, but Cliff gets on his hat and starts padding it. He tries to shoo him off only for the cat's tail to hit his nose and stops a sneeze with what he thought was a tissue.

Lola: Next time, remember. This is a mandatory diaper zone!

Lincoln was disgusted at the fact he used Lily's diaper as a tissue and throws up. Getting the twin guard attention, Zak came in as a distraction.

Lana: And where do you think your goin'?

Zak: Oh nothing, just passing by and-*gasps* oh my gosh, look at that! *points at Lily crawling away without wearing a diaper*

Lana: SHE'S MAKING A CRAWL FOR IT! *chases after her*

Lola: *looks at Zak* You just got lucky! *runs off with Lana*

Zak: *scoffs to himself then says* 'Do I think I can handle it?' Their only 6 years old.

Meanwhile, Lincoln makes his way into the vents continuing with the plan. But ran into a unexpected detail.

?: Hey Lincoln.

He jumps in terror, only to see Lucy right next to him.

Lincoln: Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I come here to think. I actually just wrote a new poem called 'Ventilate'. *starts to read*

Inside the wall

I chose to be alone

If I ever get stuck

Please listen for my moan.

Lincoln: *nervous* Riiiiight. *chuckles* Clyde, get me to Lori's room, now. *creeps away from Lucy*

Clyde: Go three clicks, and a right. Or was it three rights and a click? Wait. What's a click? *Zak faceplams hearing this*

Lincoln: Never mind. I think I'm there. *falls through the vent hatch and slips; Lucy catches him before he hits the bathroom floor*

Lucy: Hey, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Phew. Thanks, Luce.

Then, Lincoln's radio fell into the toilet.

Clyde: Lincoln! Everything okay?

Lincoln: *swings and grabs the radio out* Yeah, Clyde. *groans at the soggy texture his radio was covered with* Everything's perfect.

Zak: You need my help, bro?

Lincoln: No need Z. I'll take it from here.

Later, Lincoln continue to travel through the vents until he reached Lori's room.

Clyde: Package? What about Lori's phone?

Lincoln faceplams and enters Lori's room via a red rope. But, the rope starts to become undone.

Lincoln: Clyde, what kind of rope is this?

Clyde: Cherry licorice rope.

Zak: What the fu-. Why did you use licorice?

Clyde: It was the only rope I could find.

The rope then breaks and Lincoln falls attracting Lori's attention and starts to come up the stairs.

Clyde: *frantic* Lincoln! Lori's coming! *suave* Don't worry, I'll stall her.

Zak: *mutters under his breath* Oh boy, this outta be good.

Clyde draws a fake moustache and takes off his shirt then walks up to Lori, only to be stunned by the sight of her. Then gets a nasty nosebleed.

Lori: Ugh! Gross! *runs to her room*

Zak: *looks at the reader* Well, that could have gone better.

Lincoln was about to delete the message when he hears Lori just about to come in. She enters and looks around with an displeased look on her face. Lincoln hides under her bed hoping she wouldn't find him. Lori kicks her shoes off under her bed and they hit Lincoln, he tries not to make a sound. Lori then suspiciously checks under her bed.

Lori: So, this is where all my shoes are. *sees all her shoes under her bed*

Lincoln had got out of her line of sight and tries reaching for the phone, but Walt the canary perches right onto it and bites Lincoln's finger, making him yelp in pain. Then, Lori's phone finishes charging.

Lori: Finally! *takes phone* Ooh! New messages! I'm so loved! *leaves*

Lincoln: *panicking* Mission is compromised! The package is on the move. Clyde?

Zak was with Clyde, who had put tissue in his nose to stop the bleeding but when Lori passed by, he fainted.

Zak: Uh, I don't think loverboy is going to be much help, Linc.

Meanwhile, Lori was listening to all the messages left for her. Most of which was from her boyfriend, Bobby.

Message 1: Hey, babe. It's Bobby. Do you think we'll always be together?

Lori: Aww! Totes saving that one! *saves it*

Zak, who decided to follow Lori, gagged a little at that. While he has nothing personal against Bobby, he is annoyed at their love talk.

Message 2: Hey, babe. It's Bobby again. Should our couple name be Bori or Lobby?

Lori: *saves it* Saved.

Zak: *thinks* Oh god, they're even using shipping names now? *shudders*

Lincoln hurries to stop Lori from getting to his message, only to be stopped by the twins.

Lola: We warned you, dirt bag!

Lana: It's the clink for Linc!

Lincoln: Look! Luan's making a jailbreak!

The twins turn around and Lincoln runs down the stairs.

Lana: Hey!

Lola: Oh, forget that bum. He's out of our jurisdiction now.

Lana: Yeah. Let's go get doughnuts.

As they head out for a doughnut break, Lincoln gets downstairs.

Zak: You're just in time, dude. She's about to listen to your message.

Lincoln sees that his brother was right and sees Lori already listening to his ranting message.

Message: Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Lori! *dives at her in slow motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *thuds in normal speed* Ugh!

Message: There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are...

Lincoln looks on in horror, but luckily Lori deletes it before the rant began.

Lori: Ugh! Delete! Lincoln, there are two rules in this house: stay out of my room, and never call my phone! My voicemail is full enough without useless messages from you!

Lincoln: *sarcastically* Gee, Lori, I'm sorry.

Lori: But, I'm gonna let it slide this time 'cause you were so mature when I broke your stupid toy.

Lincoln: *sheepishly chuckles* Yeah, right. That's me. Mr. Mature.

Lori gets a phone call and answers it.

Lori: Bobby. Only 12 messages today? I thought you cared about me. *goes upstairs to the bathroom*

Zak: Well Lincoln, it looks like you get to live another day.

Lincoln: *sighs in relief* Yeah. Next time I have a problem with one of my sisters, I'll just talk to them instead of leaving a message or writing a nasty letter.

Zak: *realizes something* Life lessons aside, where is that letter anyway?

Lincoln looks around for it but can't find it.

Lincoln: I think I left it upstairs.

The boys go up the stairs to find the letter, only to find it with….an enraged Lori.

Lori: *furious* LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?! *holding up the paper*

Lincoln: *turns to the reader* Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! *puts on his new game goggles and dances away from Lori*

Zak, not wanting to suffer Lori's wrath, decides to dance away too.

Zak: Wait for me, Lincoln! *moon walks away*

Lori: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA- *Luna comes back out to censor Lori's rant just like she did with Lincoln*


Done! There are also a few things I want to add:

Zak is also into the supernatural.

Some of the girls may have a crush on Zak.

Zak likes some Michael Jackson songs.

Zak is a fan of Sonic the hedgehog.

Zak's favorite type of hero are anti-heroes like Batman and Deadpool.