There's so much I want to say, but I can't seem to find the proper words for it. I've written several versions of this letter and I think this one would be it. Why? Because I'll be honest this time and I promise by the end of this letter, I'll be gone.

The past five years that I spent with you have been the most amazing years of my life. Of course, I'm only speaking on my end, but I like to think that you were happy, too, even just for a little bit. So many times during those years I neglected to stop and think about just how fucking lucky I was that I even had you in my life. And now that you're gone, I regret ever going a day without being absolutely thankful that I had you in my life.

It's been a year now since you left. There are days when I get angry that you so easily gave up, but then I get even angrier because a relationship can only work if both people work on it. And quite frankly, I agree with you that I probably gave up long before you did. I still can't pinpoint when or how. I just know that some time during those years, I took for granted the fact that I had you and for the rest of my life, I'll forever be sorry for that. That you had to go about your days wondering if I even wanted you around. I hate thinking about it and it breaks my heart a little bit more every time I do.

I'm not sure where you are right now and while that hurts, I think it's for the best. I don't know what I'd do if I even knew where you were. But I'm letting you know that in my dreams, you're curled up under my arm and you're peaceful and beautiful and you're not hurt and you were never hurt. Not by anyone, and certainly not by me. In my dream, you also have a small smile on your face, making me hope that you're dreaming of me. I think the part that hurts the worst is the fact that that happened. That there was a time a while ago when your body fit mine so well and you slept and you smiled because of me. I hope you still smile, Bella. Even if it's not because of me.

Anyway, I'm writing this letter not to hurt you. I think I've done that enough to last more than a lifetime. I wanted to tell you that I went out on a date two weeks ago. Her name's Kate and she's really nice. Pretty, I guess. It would be really easy to get to know her, to meet her again for drinks or for lunch. But then, like always, I thought about you. I like to think that everyone has a certain person just for them. And when I was looking at Kate, I knew it would be unfair to her and to me. So, I left. I told her she should find her One and she thanked me and told me I should, too. But that's the thing: I already did. I was just stupid enough to let her go.

See, Bella, you're my One. You're my life, my soul mate, my sun, my moon, my star. You're everything to me. You're like an ocean and I just want to succumb to your waves. And honestly, I don't think that feeling can ever be replicated with anyone else. When we were together, I thought there was no way I could ever get rid of that feeling and I got so used to it that I took it for granted. I took you for granted. And I can't say how sorry I am enough. For that, and for so much more.

I love you, Bella. That's a simple truth. I can't love anyone else like I've loved you because you're my One. What hurts me more than anything is that I know deep down that I'm not your One. Maybe for a little bit in those five years that we spent together, but probably not like how I feel. That all-consuming feeling that I know would have never allowed you to leave like you did. But I was so fucking stupid and you left and that was it.

Bella, this letter isn't meant to make you feel bad. I mean, I don't even know if you'd read it or anything. I just wanted this opportunity so I can tell you my raw truth. And it's this: I will always, always love you, but it's okay if you don't. I know you worry a lot, but I think I'll be okay. I think one day I'll wake up and I think this weight in my heart won't be there. Instead, it'll be light because it's just going to be filled with the happiness I felt when I was with you. Before things were bad. Before I thought I was ever capable of hurting you like I did. Just know that those years that you so kindly gave me were the best years of my life and I don't think anyone or anything can ever top that. I say this not to be overly dramatic but I know I won't ever have anyone else in my life that could ever be you. That could ever be my One.

But I hope you find it in yourself to go and find your One. It hurts me more than anything to know that someone else gets that spot in your heart, but I'll be okay because I know you'll be happy. I pray and I wish and I hope you feel the way I feel, even though I know it's not towards me. I just want you to be happy, Bella. You deserve it more than anyone that I know. So I hope you find someone who will make you happy. Someone who won't ever hurt you like I did. Just don't feel bad because I've already found mine in you and nothing and no one can ever take that away.

Because you're my One. So, when I'm old and wrinkly and I'm sitting on my porch waiting to be taken to a Heaven where no pain exists, know that I'll be thinking about you. And I'll be hoping and praying that you've found your heart, too, just like I've found mine in you.

I don't want to say goodbye because even though I know we probably won't see each other ever again, I still want that piece of you that isn't plagued by goodbyes. So I'll say this:

I love you. I miss you more than you know. I'll see you when I close my eyes.



I didn't think, I just moved.

I took my keys,

I took my wallet,

And I drove.

I left my empty shell of a shitty apartment and I moved.

He wrote his return address, thank God, and I plugged it in my GPS.

1 hour, 48 minutes.

1 hour, 11 minutes.

1 hour.

43 minutes.

31 minutes.

18 minutes.

9 minutes.

Turn left.

1 minute.

Your destination is on your right.