22A Sticky Holiday
Author: MoonStarDutchess
Oneshot
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than much needed writing practice.
AN: I was thinking of writing this for a while. It takes place in the same world as my Oneshots Stuck and Pfffffffffftshusluch. It's not necessary to have read them to read this one, but I think you'll like them if you like odd home-related things. Any formatting issues belong to the site. I've done my best to make sure everything is properly formatted.
Fuhrer Grumman was an effective and respected leader, but just how well he was liked surprised officer, soldier, and civilian alike. He'd balanced the budget all the while making sure the hungry were fed and everyone in the nation had medical care. Ishval had been restored, and though they had a way to go with healing from the monstrosity that was the war, the nation was thriving. Several treaties were in the works, and many had been signed already. Jobs were aplenty, and the economy was improving rapidly.
Violence still occurred along the borders, but he'd placed generals there that knew how to handle events without escalating the situations into an expansive conflicts. Even with this happening, hostility overall had reduced to the lowest it'd been since the country's inception.
He'd done many good deeds, great and small. One of the slighter ones was to instate holidays. He'd gotten inspiration from some of the guests that had come from other countries, both the ones landlocked with Amestris and the ones across the oceans. They were a way to bring some cheer to the nation.
Amestrians were confused and hesitant about the first few holidays, but promptly began to embrace them. No holidays were more embraced than the ones that involved eating big meals with family. It'd been five years since that type of holiday had been instituted, and it'd gotten so popular that there were special sales and ads on the radio.
The ads often catered to the new tradition that meals were to be homemade. It was to be a nice dinner with family and friends in a safe, warm environment.
To the surprise of many, Riza was a good enough cook to rival Gracia. Since Gracia was in charge of last holiday's meal, it was her turn to take care of things. Most of the guests coming that day would be bringing a dish, so she was only in charge of a few of the larger and main dishes: the turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. Making pie was easy for her, but she'd never fixed a turkey or stuffing before. It couldn't be that hard, but she still had her doubts. At least she didn't have to shoot and butcher a turkey herself. She'd gotten the largest turkey in the store since she was cooking for many people.
Riza heaved a deep sigh and walked over to the fridge, cringing at the noise it still made. This refrigerator kept things chilled very well, so they had it fixed instead of buying a new one. Funny enough, even the repairman couldn't figure out the source of the Pfffffffffftshusluch noise it emitted during the night.
She opened the door and moved to take out the turkey. It wasn't there. She'd definitely bought one, and unless someone performed a transmutation on it and brought it back to life, it should've still been there.
"Roy!" she yelled.
Moments later, Roy came into the kitchen. He was drying his hair with a towel and had another one wrapped around his waist.
"You shouldn't be down here in a towel. Anyone could walk in."
"I'll go change in a minute. I heard you yell, so I came down. You need my help?"
"Did you get the turkey out of the deep freezer?"
"Yeah, I did."
"It's not in the refrigerator."
"Refrigerator? You said to put it in the fridge. I assumed you meant the top of the refrigerator."
She opened the freezer portion of the fridge and saw the turkey. She touched it, noting that it wasn't as frozen as it'd been in the deep freezer.
"I wanted it out of the freezer so it would defrost. Now, I have to defrost and roast it by this evening."
She grabbed the turkey with both hands and hefted it out of the freezer, cringing as the cold seeped into her skin. She could practically feel her palms melding to the bird. She quickly set the turkey down on the countertop and winced as the ice pulled her skin.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize." Roy walked over to her. "Don't worry. We can defrost it with water. I've seen cooks do it." He took a knife and cut the paper off the turkey as Riza went to the sink and plugged it before running room temperature water into it.
Roy lifted the turkey down from the counter. He didn't realize it was so heavy, and it fell.
To crotch level.
The tip of the turkey's leg hit the towel wrapped around him. He stumbled, the turkey pressed against his crotch and…
"Fuck. Oh, fuck. Thi— Oh, damn…"
Riza chose that moment to turn around and grabbed onto the counter next to her, stunned. "Roy! What the hell are you doing to the turkey?"
"Nothing!"
"It doesn't seem like nothing!" She shook as she tried to hold back the laugh threatening to burst forth.
"I…I am going to explain this," he said, and adjusted the turkey.
She bit the inside of her mouth to keep a smile at bay. "Do you need me to leave the two of you alone for thirty seconds?"
"I was…Thirty seconds? What the hell do you mean by that? I can fuck a turkey longer than thirty..." His eyes narrowed. "Never mind."
"Explain then, Roy."
"Right." He sighed. "I was lifting the turkey off the counter. It was heavier than I expected it to be. It fell and knocked my towel off."
She shook her head. "Only you." She let a chuckle escape her. "Just bring it over here."
He took it to the sink and moved to heave it higher so he could get it into the basin. He flinched and lowered it.
"Roy, put it in the water."
"Um… I can't."
"Why?"
"If skin gets against ice it will—It got against my…"
Riza's face fell. "Are you telling me your balls are stuck to the turkey?"
"Oh, no. Definitely not only my balls," he said.
"Well, that's a—Wait, not only your balls?"
"My dick is too."
"When I asked you to help me with the turkey and stuffing, this is not what I had in mind by stuffing."
"Riza, this is not something to joke about," he whined. "You wouldn't be joking if you had a turkey stuck up your vagina."
"No, all I have to do is push out an 8-pound baby or two from that area when we decide to have children."
Roy was silent for a few beats before he nodded. "Point taken."
"Can't you just grit your teeth and yank it off?"
"This is my genitals stuck against a turkey. I'm not yanking anything. It'll damage the skin."
She shrugged. "No one eats turkey skin."
"The turkey's skin condition is the last damn thing I'm worried about!"
"Okay, I have a solution."
She got a piece of the thick sourdough bread she made and brought it over to him. She supported the turkey with one hand and offered him the bread with the other.
"Eat that."
"What? Why?"
"Just eat it, Roy."
He snatched it with one hand and took a large bite.
Riza took hold of the turkey with both hands and ripped it away from his body, eliciting a muffled shrill that sounded like brakes squealing. He began coughing as the bread went down his throat.
She took the turkey over to the sink and got him a glass of water to wash down the bread. She moved back over to the turkey and examined it. "We'll have to cut the dick part off."
Roy whimpered. The last thing he wanted to hear was something about cutting a dick off. "Damn it, Riza! I told you I didn't want to rip it off," he said when he finished his water.
"You said you weren't going to yank it off. You didn't say anything about me doing it."
"I… You…" Roy narrowed his eyes at her. "You've been with me for too long. My personality is rubbing off on you."
She laughed. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I figured it was like a Band-Aid. One rip and done."
"First of all, frozen poultry is nothing like a Band-Aid. Second of all, I don't put Band-Aids on my cock."
"But you put frozen turkeys on it."
"You're unpleasant when you get your amusement at my expense." He picked up the towel he'd dropped on the floor and secured it back around his waist. "I'm not letting you around my lower body for a long time."
She disregarded him and proceeded to cut the skin from the area Roy's "officer and two soldiers," touched. "Yes, okay." She'd give him a day or two before he'd want to have sex again, and that was being generous. All she'd have to do is don a miniskirt and he'd be standing at attention, turkey incident forgotten. If she wanted to try, she could convince him to take her against any surface in that kitchen at that exact moment.
"I need to defrost and rip out these sacks," she said, referring to the bags that came with the turkey. Her wording was intentional, and it was challenging not to break her serious tone. "God, I'm out of here," Roy said and set about leaving.
"After you get dressed, I need your help."
"Fine, as long as my dick isn't in the equation," he said.
Riza smirked as he left. She'd make him feel better later.
She ran more water over the turkey and set about making the pumpkin pie filling. By the time she finished, the turkey would be defrosted enough to remove the bags.
-/-/-
Riza smiled with satisfaction at her perfect pie filling. She had the crust dough cooling in the fridge and ready for the filling and baking. She turned around and glared at the turkey in the sink as if facing an adversary.
It would not win that day.
She moved to the sink, drained the water, and reached between its legs to remove the neck. She never understood why they put the neck in the turkeys like this and then placed the liver, giblets, and heart in the turkey's neck cavity. Seemed like it should be the opposite. She moved deeper into the turkey until her forearm was all the way inside the massive bird and pulled.
"Shit." Her arm wouldn't move. Her ring was caught on a bone, and the skin on her fingers had buried into the ice. It had the same effect as Roy's junk when it made contact with the icy turkey.
"Shit," she said again and pulled, going for the grit your teeth and jerk it out method.
It didn't work.
She turned on the tepid water and tried to situate the turkey so the water would run down her arm and onto her hand, but she couldn't get the bird under the faucet. She grabbed a cup with her other hand, tested the water for warmth, and her eyes narrowed.
Between her showering this morning, Roy showering not long after, and running the warm water over the turkey, they'd run out of hot water. Roy had told her they needed a larger water heater, but she hadn't listened.
Oh, how she hated being wrong.
She gritted her teeth again and poured the cold water down the turkey, only to yelp when the liquid made the ice even chillier. She tried getting her ring off, but in all the twisting, she'd popped something in her fingers, and it felt as if her hand was swelling.
"Hey, Riza, what do you need?" Roy said as he walked into the kitchen.
No. Not now.
Roy looked over her shoulder. "Oh, you're cleaning the turkey out already?"
"I'm stuck," she muttered so low that he wouldn't hear her unless he had his ear near her mouth.
"What?"
"I'm stuck," she said again, her voice still at the same volume.
"Huh?"
"I'm stuck!
"You're stuck… in a turkey."
She glared over her shoulder at him. "Don't you dare judge me when you got your junk frozen against it a few minutes ago."
"How'd you get your hand stuck in a turkey?"
"How'd you get your hand stuck in a toilet?"
He remembered the incident all too well. "Wait. You were cleaning a turkey with lemon cleaner?"
"Roy, just help me get out of here. I think my ring is caught, and my hand is swelling."
"Okay, okay," he said. "We can try the—"
"Band Aid method doesn't work."
"What if I help pull it off instead of you pulling yourself out? That could work, and we can try different angles.
"Okay."
Roy grabbed the other end of the turkey and lifted it from the sink. He reached inside and grabbed hold of the other bag in the neck side of the turkey. He touched her fingers through the gap and was cautious not to position his fingers in the same location or he might get stuck as well.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"On the count of three. One. Two. Three!" Roy pulled the turkey but her ring jerked and she yelled in pain. He stopped.
"My ring is still stuck on the bone. I think my finger is sprained."
"Well . . . wow."
"Let's put the turkey back into the sink."
"Wow…"
"You said that, let's…" She trailed off when she saw the sheepish look on his face. "Oh, god… Oh god, Roy. No."
"Yeah, my fingers are caught, and I'm frozen to the turkey. It's like we're trapped in one of those Xingese finger puzzles."
"This is a dead animal, Roy, not a toy."
"I know, I know. I'm just saying…"
"You're way too nonchalant about this."
He shrugged. "Once a man has had his genitals stuck to a turkey, he learns to become desensitized."
"Just get the damn turkey into the—"
"Riza! Mustang! Are you two here?" Rebecca yelled.
Roy and Riza looked at each other wide-eyed.
"Why did she just walk in without ringing the doorbell?" Roy asked.
"I told her to just come in today without knocking since we're all busy."
"Oh, that was really smart!"
"Well! Excuse me! I didn't exactly expect to end up trapped in our holiday dinner!
When the sounds of the footsteps grew closer, Roy said, "Quick! Hide behind the counter." They scurried behind the counter, so they could hide the turkey. Roy grabbed a spoon and began stirring the pie mix in front of him. Riza had a knife in her hand and tried to appear busy. She was suddenly thankful she let Roy talk her into buying a big house with a spacious kitchen.
Rebecca entered the room. "I decided to bring my stuff over early."
"You can set it on the coun—kitchen isla—dining table! Yeah, go set it on the dining table," Riza said, mentally cursing her stammering. She'd been in worse and far more dangerous situations than this and hadn't lost her composure.
But to be fair, she hadn't been in any weirder situations.
"That's all the way in there. We'll probably have to reheat it." Rebecca moved to the small counter next to the wall. Roy and Riza shuffled around the side to the opposite counter so their turkey adorned hands could stay hidden. Riza's arm ached from the turkey's weight, but she had to force a smile.
"Anything I can help with?" Rebecca said, approaching closer to the kitchen island between them.
"Think you can go to the store, pick up another turkey, and bring it back here in an hour?"
"Another? Why would you need another? The one you bought was huge."
"The other one is stuc—frozen somewhere. She can't get it in the oven and cooked in time," Roy said.
Rebecca raised an eyebrow. "Really? I mean, sure, I can go get you one."
"My purse is on the table in the hallway. Take my credit card."
"Okay," Rebecca said. She moved around the corner. Roy and Riza once again scurried around to the opposite side in crab-like movements.
"Are you two okay?" "We're fine. Never birder-Better!" Roy said and laughed nervously.
"Please, go get the turkey now," Riza said with a groan.
"Okayyyyyy," she said with a suspicious tone. "I'll be back in a bit."
"Be careful. Take all the time you need," Riza said as her friend left the room. When they heard the footsteps fade, they looked at each other.
Roy dropped the spoon and Riza put down the knife. "We have to get this off! We have less than an hour," she said.
"Did you try hot water?" "We ran it out. Cold water hurts."
"Why don't you use the water that you made tea with ten minutes ago? It's probably not cold yet."
"Why didn't I think of that?" Riza said.
Roy grabbed the kettle. "Don't beat yourself up over it. When you have your hand stuck in something like a turkey, the last thing going through your mind is logical thinking. We'll melt the ice a little and then try to swing it to unlatch your ring."
"Right." He poured a bit of water into the turkey on Riza's side, starting with a few splashes. "Too hot?"
"No, it's fine." He poured a bit more, and she felt the ice around her fingers melt. Since Roy's fingers were near hers, he felt the ice melt as well. They were cramping, but at least they could shift them now.
They began swinging the turkey back and forth. "It's loosening!" she said. "My ring's loose!"
"Yeah, I feel it too." They swung the turkey faster and higher. With each movement, their hands increasingly slipped from their poultry prison.
With one more long swing, the turkey flew off their hands, sailed through the open kitchen window, and launched into the backyard. A resounding thump and crash followed.
They rushed to the window. The turkey was on the lawn, but Rebecca was against the tree with her head jammed into a hole in the trunk.
"Riza! Mustang! I think I'm stuck!"
2022 Author's Note: I have an account over on AO3 that either has a version or will have a version, of many of my fics with a bit more jokes, slightly sexier moments, etc. The reason I don't post it on here is that the ratings are so vague you never know who is going to report you just because they think you don't meet the ratings.
RW: 2022