MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
…QIN SHI HUANG!
Qin Shi Huang:
You've tackled doggies, sheep and pigs, but taken on my breed? You haven't,
For as Animals go, I'm an all-Eclipsing, mighty dragon!
My reign marks where Chinese history worth written record started,
And you face me In the Flesh, unlike the force by which I'm guarded!
You're on Thin Ice: troubled, Waters; can't turn back my conquest's tide.
Dave sings of Money's evils? I see all its units standardized,
And I know you wish Syd were here, but soon you'll share his wretched fate;
No way you'd win this, even with ol' Rick inputting worth his weight!
Now, heed this bit of education, 'cause it's plain you need it, pricks:
I paved the roads throughout a nation, while you followed yellow bricks!
I'm hardly one to talk to fish, but still I unified the seven;
Palpatine has nothing on this greatest emperor under Heaven!
You've seen your last blue sky once my blitzing disses hit, you suckers;
No one doubts I'll drop the bomb on you: just go and ask your mothers!
Down to business to defeat the Huang? You're facing certain doom,
And that's no mystery, so kneel and kiss the dark side of my moon!
Roger Waters: We came in here to flow, so let's skip past the ambience and do this…
Nick Mason: Time to serve a tyrant's Final Cut less kindly still than Brutus!
Richard Wright: To withstand your disses comfortably, we need no numbing shots.
David Gilmour: Plus, how can you teach shit to us? You closed the Hundred Schools of Thought!
Mason: Our motors revved, we're drumming up a psychedelic thunderstorm;
You think your loss impossible, but swine take flight when we perform!
Authority's your heroin: you're always seeking More to gain,
Yet you're no dragon, but a nasty worm, who'll not damage our brains!
Wright: We're out of this world at our live shows, and the Russians can attest,
So just consider me the second Rick who'll lay you back to rest.
Your offing of your own half-brothers for their daddy's acts was heinous;
Fairer judgements have been passed down through the flaps of Roger's anus!
Waters: You've one fortified self-image, but Confucius say: you evil!
Man, you buried folks alive; it beats me how that's labelled "Legal".
Well, if "thought-controlling fascist" is the role you're gonna play,
I'll follow suit, goose-step into Xianyang, and hammer you today!
Gilmour: Your futile search for an elixir was a lifelong lapse of reason;
Might as well have tried to learn to fly, from Penglai's summit leaping!
You OD'd on mercury without an heir announced decisively,
And that castrated cad's conspiracy doomed your whole dynasty!
Wright: This meteoric verse heralds our smashing you forever!
Mason: We pack such a potent punch, just purge the "Pink" and add "Mayweather".
Gilmour: Your grave crimes come to eleven when you touch that microphone…
Waters: …And we don't need no crappy raps!
All: Hey, emperor, leave them beats alone!
Qin Shi Huang:
You really are for stoners: only they'd think those lines written well;
There's more of substance within minute one of The Division Bell!
Those who would Meddle with my might had better come prepared for war;
I'll tear apart your "opus" brick by boring brick like Paramore!
Back when I took the throne at thirteen, it was only the beginning;
Now, my legend runs so deeply, still they've yet to finish digging!
Make like light-waves coming through your prism: undergo dispersal.
You're a fractured, self-confessed spent force; my legacy's eternal!
Waters: Our Wall symbolizes one man's inner-pain and isolation…
Gilmour: Yours is built on mounds of human bones; a vain abomination!
Wright: Its construction cost so many lives, to list out all their names…
Mason: …Would take its own Wall that'd put the 'Nam Memorial to shame!
Gilmour: Our legacy is diamond-certified, ceaselessly shining on.
Waters: Your biggest advocate in current times is Mao Goddamn Zedong!
Mason: Man, had it not been for the Ming, naught of your "Great" Wall would remain.
Wright: No escorts will be harmed as we strike like four British Zhang Liangs!
Qin Shi Huang:
I joined two rivers; best believe I'll make these verbal blows connect:
My "cruel" world wonder's never saying goodbye, but you'll be getting wrecked!
You're but rag dolls before my majesty; you'd better Run Like Hell:
The true Wall-master's gonna snatch you up and toss you out like Zelda!
Mason: With our backs against the Wall, it's do-or-die, so let's deliver!
Gilmour: We'll quicksilver-dunk your ass, then sail off on the Endless River!
Wright: Stick to shooting giant fish in your last days, you sorry devil…
Waters: …For the verdict of your Trial's written:
All: Mene, mene, tekel.
Wright: …Oh yeah, take that!
Gilmour: Heh, doesn't look like his highness is coming back from that one; guess we win…
Mason: …So, um, why isn't it going to the outro?
Waters: Say, good question… Hey, Moleman, isn't this where-
(*Obnoxiously loud fanfare; trumpets*)
Donald Trump: So, I've heard you guys are into building Walls…
Announcer: (*Snoring; wakes up*) UUUUHHH… HUH? OH SHIT!
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, WE DO NOT HAVE CHARACTERS FROM THE REAL ERBAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
(*Tries to physically kick Trump out; is automatically repelled and sent flying away by his awesomely stupid invincibility aura of stupid awesomeness*)
Think you can simply fire the Donald from a war of Walls? That's cute;
What, were you gonna bring in Mr. Garrison to substitute?
I've got a knack for crashing parties as an uninvited guest;
If trying to mess with me, make unlike Mexico, and bring your best!
With even my fast food fix famous, in the meme world, I'm a god;
Damn-nearly soloed that campaign trail, so don't you tell me the odds!
Though some would protest my appointment to the presidential gig,
I'll win this popularly, even with the system rigged!
Waters: You pig!
Trump: You'd knock me for the alt-right's words, implying their bigotry's my sin?
If that's the case, I'm looking at the founders of the Hammerskins!
Your cavalcade of animation, more deplorable than Seth's,
Looks as if Disney's Renaissance artists Scarfed down a brick of meth!
I mean, come on; a giant butt?! And they say my court noms are wack…
Now, kiss your labor force goodbye, Zheng, 'cause those jobs, I'm taking back!
It's no mere gossip, many folks saying I'll come out on top for real,
For your weak Walls can't stump the Trump; just call me Donald Copperfield.
Would you like to see America made great again, my friends?
All you have to do is follow the Trump…
(*Ominous fanfare accompanied by chants of "Build the Wall!" proceed to escalate, until suddenly and with a crescendo, a voice yells "STOP!"*)
You bit my old schtick bigly, and I'd say it's a word-crime
That you didn't specify you'd make this country great for the third time!
You're such a quack while lashing out, I ought to call you Donald Duck,
But me? I'm Prouder, Stronger, Better; Faster too, you daffy punk!
An Able Archer firing verses and proficient as a pitcher,
I'm the one-man Winning Team who'll take this battle for the Gipper!
Better as an actor? Hardly: the antithesis of Arnie,
Busting Walls like Foster-lusting-Taxi-Driven plots to harm me!
When the Time for Choosing comes, I landslide-bury Challengers,
But when disaster strikes, I'm ready to address with valiant words.
The PATCO folks know well: I let no striking-out against me fly;
If there's a bear up in your woods, to tame that sucker, I'm the guy!
Just ask Gaddafi: I drop bombs on demagogues aggressively,
And even if I lost my legs, you couldn't best the rest of me,
'Cause Morning in America's more like midnight with you as head,
So quit fit-throwing, you orangutan; it's time to go to bed!
Hey, don't you label my agenda as some wack empire of evil;
Man, your "Star Wars" plan was dumber than how Lucas handled prequels!
If you'd turn back to the left side, making Trump your enemy,
You'll find you're headed for a loss as utter as your memory's!
And there you go again, with reckless, tasteless insults! It's appalling:
So much rolls off from your head's top, it's no wonder why you're balding!
I united left and right; with your divisive ass, we'll fall,
So Mr. Gorbachev, take it away, now…
Mikhail Gorbachev: TEAR DOWN THE WALL!
(*Gorbachev's voice echoes thunderously as Trump's, Qin's and Pink's Walls are all demolished, along with an as-of-yet unspecified, previously unmentioned, additional Wall…*)
Trump: My border!
Qin Shi Huang: My legacy!
Waters: My… ah well, it was an unhealthy coping mechanism anyway.
Gilmour: Say, um, what exactly was up with that fourth Wall that just came down?
Deadpool: Hrm, good question… Ooh, maybe we should ask our lovely viewers out there in the real world!
Reagan: Shut up, Wade; you're not in this. Anyway, I guess Mikhail and I may have gotten a little carried away back there, but I wouldn't worry too much; after all, what's the worst possible thing a Wall like that could have been keeping out?
Night King: You're all but children of the Summer, knowing nothing of true fear,
But brace yourselves: I bring with me a storm, for Winter's finally here,
And know it's one of discontent for all who walk among the living…
White Walkers: Though the song we sing is one of ice, hot fire's what we're spitting!
Night King: All resistance will be shattered when we launch our final onslaught!
White Walker #1: Even dual-wielding Longclaws, you couldn't squash us by a long shot!
White Walker #2: No one here is fat, so we won't hesitate to bring the violence…
Night King: …Though I'd like to see the Donald try denying this change in climate!
While fools fight and die for chairs, we play the Game of Thrones as griefers…
White Walkers: Valar morghulis!
Night King: Indeed; not just eventually, either,
'Cause I plan that for today, the words of Syrio be damned!
White Walker #1: Think that Stark boy can stand against us?
White Walker #2: He can't even fucking stand!
Night King: When our dead army comes for you, don't try and bother with the door,
For once the Long Night falls, you lackwits Can't Hold Us!
White Walker #1: Think Macklemore!
Night King: Our frigid scourge, like wildfire, inextinguishably spreading,
You'll all be betrothed to death!
White Walker #2: It's a nice day for a White Wedding!
Lich King Hans: Old Gods dammit, guys, how many times do I have to tell you: no more senseless rampaging?! I can't exactly earn the respect I deserve as a benevolent king and world leader if my subjects keep going around slaughtering people!
Night King: But, boss, we're the undead; that's kind of what we're supposed to-
Hans: Yes, yes, I know: you say it's "in your nature", I say it's auto-stereotyping.
Grr… why did I ever agree to wear this stupid helm in the first place?
Tyrion: Hey, I told you so!
Hans: Oh, shut up; you are talking to the Lich King!
Tyrion: …And now I've struck the Lich King! Did my hand fal- (*Hand falls off*)
Hans: Uuughh… Zombies is the craziest peoples…
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!