"What are you doing here?" Robbie Rotten gasped as I stepped into his lair.

I expected that to be his reaction. I cleared my throat and continued on.

"Mr. Rotten, I'm here to save the world, and you are the person I need to help me do it."

Robbie gawked at me as if I were a frog riding a unicycle shouting "DAT BOI."

"Me? Save the world? Never!" he shouted.

"I'm a villain. I'm supposed to destroy the world, not save it."

"I'm begging you! I even have some compensation for you."

I pulled a long cord of rope, dragging in a racist Oompa-Loompa in a toupee. He was bound, gagged, and naked with only a pine needle covering his genitalia.

"I know how much you want it," I told him.

I could see his heart beating faster and faster. The Reddit forums I had spent months trolling hadn't lied after all.

"You do me a favor, and he will do you. A favor, I mean."

Robbie's mouth curled upwards into a sultry smile.

"I will gladly infiltrate some borders."

I handed him the rope and he began to take off his jumpsuit.

"Not in here!" I shouted in fright.

I only wanted to see what I absolutely had to.

"I need to set up for the favor. Go into the bedroom or something."

He blushed, zipping up the jumpsuit, and dragged the Oompa-Loompa away into the shadows.


It didn't take long to set up. But it took forever to get the supplies. The war had been raging on for decades as they strived to be the very best. Like no one ever was. The war had made supplies scarce. But it would all be worth it soon. Robbie would be the one to end it all. Just a few hours from then, the war would be over.

"Say my name! Say my name!" I heard the oompa-loompa call in between moans and groans.

"Don Juan! Oh, Don Juan!" Robbie screamed.

"You're fired!" said the Oompa-Loompa.
"But I like you! Robbie, oh Robbie. Take me to Mexico!"

"TAKE ME TO PARADISE, DON JUAN!" Robbie growled.

Both of them screamed simultaneously and then...silence.


Soon the Oompa-Loompa came out of the bedroom in a tux, shaking, and ran out of the lair. Next Robbie came out in a black and yellow-striped jumpsuit.

"So, what is this thing you need me to do?" he asked.

I directed him to the chair I set up and handed him a book.

"When I cue you, read this aloud. The whole thing."

He gawked at me again.

"How will this save the world, as you claim?"

"Just do it," I replied quickly.

He sat down in the red armchair I had set up and skimmed through the book.

"This was a kids' movie?" he asked in disbelief.

I nodded as I turned on the radio. Robbie perked up as he recognized the song.

"I sang this!" he said.
"Why is We Are Number One playing?"

"Because there's a war and one side thinks this is better than the book you're holding."

I walked over to the camera and turned it on. I gave him the thumbs up and he began to read.

"According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly..."

I smiled as he continued to read. The war would soon be over. The two most successful memes of the current age were now joined in unity.