47Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the Baldur's Gate's Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…
AN: Remember, this story makes no sense.
Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster
Lockhart
"I crept up behind the nearest boulder as I heard the beast growling," Professor Gilderoy Lockhart said as he continued to dramatically act out the climactic scene from Wanderings with Werewolves. He was crouched behind his desk, pretending to be behind the boulder.
Harry rolled his eyes at the ridiculous display.
"Suddenly the beast halted in its tracks and turned its vicious muzzle to sniff at the air. It had caught my scent…"
Several frightened gasps sounded throughout the second-year Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.
"Oh no…" Hermione moaned under her breath.
Harry snickered at his best friend.
"But I was ready for him," Lockhart continued. "I drew out my wand and I—wait a moment. I'm going to need a volunteer to act as the werewolf for this next bit."
"Pick me! Pick me!"
Cries rang out through the room as nearly every hand shot into the air.
"Harr Potter," Lockhart said with a sparkling smile, "why don't you come up here and assist me?"
Harry groaned and rose to his feet.
"Do I have to?"
A large hand came down upon his shoulder and firmly pushed him forward toward the front of the classroom.
"Go young ranger!" Minsc enthusiastically encouraged him. "It is a great honor to help such a renowned hero teach us about hero-ing!"
Harry turned to get a look at his mentor. Simply saying that Minsc was a "big guy" was a lot like saying that Voldemort wasn't very nice or that Hermione had a passing interest in reading. Minsc was huge. He was over six foot five inches tall, and probably weighed well over three hundred pounds of pure muscle.
Which really made him look ridiculous at the moment.
The large man was squeezed into a desk made for twelve-year-olds as he excitedly listened to every word spoken by Lockhart. Boo was perched atop the ranger's bald head also seemingly enraptured with the lesson.
"That's right, Mr. Minsc!" Lockhart said with another smile. "Ten points to… what's your house again?"
"Minsc is of the house of JUSTICE!"
"Right… Ten points to… justice…"
Harry sighed and made his way to the front of the class.
"Okay Harry," Lockhart directed, "you stand over there and pretend you're the Wagga Wagga Werewolf."
Harry despondently walked to his position.
"As I was saying," Lockhart began again, "the beast picked up my scent on the air—come now, Harry, you can do better than that. Let's have a roar."
"Roar," Harry muttered as he rolled his eyes for the fiftieth time that period.
A soft ripple of laughter spread through the class.
"That is not how a werewolf roars!" Minsc exclaimed.
"It will have to do for now," Lockhart went on. "I knew my spells would be of little use against such a creature, so I leapt out from hiding and pounced upon its back!"
"Ha HA!" Minsc cheered and waved his arms about. "Take that, Evil!"
Lockhart strode over to Harry and put the boy into a gentle headlock.
"The beast fought me with all its might, and nearly came close to biting me several times, but I managed to get it into a sleeper hold."
Hermione's face quickly shifted through several conflicting emotions as if she were having a silent argument with herself. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and had to raise her hand.
"But professor," she asked aloud, "is that how it really happened? Aren't werewolves ten times stronger than even the strongest humans?"
Lockhart froze for a moment like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Erm…"
"You are right, Hermioninny," Minsc said.
Lockhart's eyes widened in fear.
"Now, Minsc, my friend—" the professor began but was cut off when Minsc continued.
"Not even Minsc could wrassle a werewolf without even a sword!"
"Then that means that—" Hermione started.
"Yes!" Minsc shouted. "It means that Professor Lockhart is an even bigger hero than Minsc!"
Boo let out a quick squeal of agreement.
"Ah yes, thank you Minsc," Lockhart quickly recovered. "Ten more points to justice."
"Ha HA!"
Hermione grumbled but didn't raise any other objections.
"The werewolf quickly succumbed to my chokehold," Lockhart took up his story again, "and I restrained him with some silver-lined rope I was carrying."
"He's very resourceful, isn't he, Boo?" Minsc loudly whispered to his hamster. Boo squeaked in agreement.
"But then," Lockhart exclaimed before roughly pushing Harry to the other side of the
room, "I gasped in shock as another beast appeared over the rise. There wasn't just one Wagga Wagga Werewolf, but two!"
"GASP!" Minsc gasped.
Harry was more than a little frightened as the ranger started to reach for the absurdly big sword that was strapped to his back. Luckily both sword and wielder were tightly wedged into the desk and neither could budge more than an inch.
"In that desperate moment," Lockhart continued, "my mind went back to my training in the ancient martial art of Ninja Chop Suey, and with a desperate leap," Lockhart jumped forward a distance of about five inches toward Harry, "I let fly with a fierce Kung Fuey Kick!"
"Yes!" Minsc shouted. "I love a good kick to the face of Evil! Almost as good as a swift kick to butts of Villainy!"
"But that's enough for today," Lockhart said as he turned to face the class, "time is just about up. For homework, make sure you've finished your applications to the Gilderoy Lockhart Fan Club and that you've put it in an envelope with the three Galleon processing fee. See you next week!"
Harry returned to his desk to gather his belongings. The rest of the class slowly wandered out of the room as Lockhart sent beaming smiles to each of them. Minsc was struggling to extricate himself from the ridiculously small desk. He finally settled for grasping the desktop with both hands and ripping it off of the base.
"Quickly my friends!" Minsc shouted as he slung an arm around the shoulders of both Harry and Hermione, "we must be off to our Homework!"
"What? Why?" Harry asked as he was dragged along.
"So we can be Heroes! If we work hard, one day we might even do as many deeds of hero-ing and butt-kicking as the great Professor Lockhart! And then bards will tell our tales and write our books! And write them they shall!"
Hermione took on a glassy-eyed look at the thought of having a book written about her.
"We shall call the first one, Butt-kickings with Evil! Or maybe Hero-ing with Hamsters! What do you think, Boo?"
The hamster squealed in excitement.
"Hermioninny! Get your parchments! First we shall kick the pants off our Homework and then we shall be legends!"
AN: It's silly. I know. Minsc didn't show up until 5th Year and this is in 2nd Year. I know.
I told you this story would make less sense than Minsc after a blow to the head.
I can't help but thinking that Lockhart's overly exaggerated tales of his own deeds of heroic daring would probably be Minsc's favorite thing of all time. Until he found out the truth of course…
Thoughts?
I'm going to go ahead and mark this story as 'complete' for now, as I haven't had the urge to write as much lately. I think that marking it as 'complete' might draw some more readers who are warry of unfinished stories that haven't been updated for a long time.
HOWEVER, if I do think up a snippet or two, I still might add more in the future. So consider it semi-complete I guess?
Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!