Inspired by my school's Secret Santa, in which one of my friends bought another a volume of High-School DxD, then recorded his misery as he was forced to explain to the class why he couldn't bring it out of his bag to show everyone.
This is apparently what happens when a combination of pre-Christmas boredom and trying to write too many serious stories in the space of a week make me lose most of my already questionable sanity.
This might end up just being a oneshot, but if I get any more ideas, then I'll add them. If you get any really great ones, feel free to send them to me. i'm always open to ideas.
The dimensional gap is widely regarded as one of the most dangerous places in existence. Any normal being, even in the supernatural world, will be instantly torn to shreds by the turbulent energy constantly swirling.
Even the most powerful Angels, Devils, Fallen and any other non-godlike beings, will find themselves weakened by the sheer power. The only beings capable of existing normally there are the most powerful gods, and some rare exceptions, like Sirzechs Lucifer of the devils.
Yet even then, the inhabitants would slaughter them in an instant. The Great Red and Ophis, The Infinite Dragon God and The Apocalypse Dragon, the undisputed strongest beings in the known existence.
Little is known about them, except two ancient texts, one created by The God of the Bible, detailing the apocalypse, where The Great Red would descend to destroy the World, and another from the ancient ancestor of the devils, Satan himself.
In his arrogance, Satan had torn his way into the dimensional gap, seeking to challenge the True Dragons for their powers. He had found them locked in fierce combat, and such was the power they exhibited then that Satan himself turned and fled back to the underworld, all dreams of challenging them gone.
Since then, it has been said that they are locked in infinite combat, one never able to triumph over the other. Constantly battling for control of their shared home.
"Rook to D7"
At least, that's what the supernatural world believes.
"How long are you going to take?" The ever-monotone voice of The Infinite Dragon God droned, the slightest hints of amusement in her voice. She usually took the form of a small girl, with flowing black hair and a long cloak, covering an... interesting clothing choice
"Shut up! I'm thinking" The Great Red was far too proud to take a human form for leisure, and instead remained as a gigantic red dragon, a single horn jutting from his snout as he lazed across the non-existent floor of the Dimensional Gap.
"About how you're going to lose?"
"I will end you!"
"We have both already tried that". Ophis waved him off.
Grumbling, a pawn piece slid forwards, seemingly of it's own volition. Ophis gave the tiniest of smirks as she mad her move almost instantly, a bishop sliding calmly across the gigantic board, up-sized at Great Red's insistence.
Ophis sighed, leaning backwards on a newly materialised chair as Great Red began to maul the chessboard. It didn't matter; they could always make another one.
"I think maybe we've had enough of chess. I'm not entirely sure what the devils see in this game, for them to base their whole way of life around it".
Great Red mumbled something incoherent in agreement, one half of the giant chessboard still in his jaws.
Ophis put a dainty hand to her chin, ignoring the thrashing dragon in front of her.
"What now, then? Is there anything we haven't tried?"
Great Red snorted, a large notebook popping into existence.
He grumbled a bit, flipping through the pages with one giant claw.
"Why the glasses?' Ophis questioned, eyeing the dragon-sized glasses now perched on Great Red's snout.
""I'm short sighted".
"We are all powerful dragons created from the emptiness of the universe. It is a physical impossibility for us to be short-sighted or have any kind of physical ailment". Ophis shot him down with her usual clinical precision.
"I like having them for reading", he snapped back, reaching the end of the notebook and pulling out another identical one, the only difference being the large '2' scratched onto the front.
"Are the notebooks necessary?"
"Do you want to remember every single game ever created by the humans?" He produced a third notebook.
"Point ceded. The only one I can remember is Hungry Hungry Hippos" Great Red paused to look at her.
"Why that one?"
"Because I do not ever remember being so angry with anything created by humanity".
Great Red blinked, before returning to the notebook.
"Hey do you-"
"No I do not want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos again".
"Why not?" He whined
"Because I despise that horrific abomination"
"But it's fun!"
"It's torture. If I were a human I'd get severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder upon seeing a hippo".
A sigh "PTSD"
A strange silence settled over the two of them.
"No, you cannot weaponize hippopotami and use them against me"
He did it anyway.
Ajuka Beelzebub frowned as he observed the fluctuating graph on his computer screen.
It was difficult to monitor the Dimensional Gap, but he had eventually invented a way to do so. Only indirectly, of course, by monitoring changes in the energy the place constantly gave off, he could tell when there was a major disturbance, and hopefully, give the Devils time to get out of The Dragons' way.
He pushed off from the desk, sliding across his personal laboratory on a wheeled chair. He reached the desk he usually did all his paperwork on, and tapped the bottom in an elaborate set of patterns.
The hidden Astaroth magic seals glowed a pale green, before shimmering and sliding a section of desk outwards. Ajuka frowned at the black Gremory Magic Seal etched into the wood, before relenting and pushing down on it lightly, sending brilliant crimson light dancing across it.
Not a moment later, Sirzechs' voice came through the emergency line.
"Sirzechs, it's me. There's some sort of disturbance in the Dimensional Gap".
He could practically hear the Devil faction's leader frown.
"Is there any indication to its nature? Is one of the Dragons coming out?"
"No, if it was that then I'd be able to detect the tear in the space-time fabric. So at the very least it's not that".
Sirzechs hummed lightly.
"Thank you for bringing this to my attention Ajuka, I will alert Falibum and ask for increased patrols. As of now, that's all we can do without kick-starting another war".
"I'll keep you posted".
The connection cut off with the hum of static, and Ajuka was left to his musings.
After a brief re-enacting of the Battle of Waterloo, except with all the projectiles replaced with hippopotami, Ophis and Her Red counterpart slumped on an armchair and the non-existent floor respectively.
"I'm bored", The Great Red mumbled from where he was slumped on the floor.
"For once, we agree". She mumbled back, her chin resting against the arm of her chair.
"Maybe we could start cults dedicated to killing each other?" Great Red suggested hopefully.
"Been there, done that "She droned back.
"Oh right…" A pause, "Wait what?"
"Khaos Brigade", she muttered.
He seemed shocked for a second, and although she'd never admit it, there was a stab of worry that she'd actually offended him.
"What kind of a name is that?" And there it went.
"What's wrong with Khaos Brigade?"
"Uh, everything? You had so many great options, but that's what you went for?"
She huffed, folding her arms and pouting. "And what would you suggest instead?"
He was silent, and after a moment she smirked at her victory.
He remained silent, and she took it as shame, smirking as she materialized a cup of steaming tea in her hand and took a large gulp. Eventually, she talked to him again, her curiosity piqued
"Do you have an idea?" She took a sip of tea.
"Yeah. Why don't we go to the human world? "She spat it back out again.
Drying her clothes with a blast of magic, She turned to stare at him, wide-eyed.
"Why not? We haven't gotten out of this place in years. It's not like there's anyone stopping us. Even if the other big-shots get huffy, with The Big G gone, there's no-one we can't blow out of the water".
'The Big G' was Great Red's affectionate nickname for the God of the Bible, apparently having decided that after a thousand years of much confusion over which God they were talking about, they'd all (the two of them) had enough.
"Very well" She decided, "Let us go".
Great Red snapped his talons (Ophis ignored the physical impossibility for the sake of her own debatable sanity) and in a whirl of colour he took the form of a human boy, roughly the age of her own avatar, with jet black hair and a garish red jacket that reminded her of scales.
He leapt forwards, grabbed he hand, and dragged her off the armchair and out of the Dimensional Gap.
Later, she would vehemently deny that she had squeaked in surprise. Dragons did not squeak, no matter how shocking or annoying their astral counterparts were.
"So where are we again?"
"I dunno, I wasn't focusing" He muttered, looking down at a map.
"How do you have a map then?"
"I don't", He flipped it around, "It's blank."
Tens of thousands of years of experience couldn't keep the twitch away from her eyebrow.
The two of them emerged onto a busy road, and instantly noted that everyone else seemed to be towering over them. Great Red snagged Ophis, dragged her back into the alleyway they'd come out of, and grabbed her collar.
"Quick question: Why are we children again?"
She regarded him with her emotionless gaze, "It's a surprisingly effective cover", she defended weakly.
"Wait, so you've been taking the form of a child this whole time". He demanded.
"Yes. Is that an issue?"
"No but, your clothing choice is".
Ophis looked down at her clothes.
"What is wrong with my clothes?"
"Ugh, never mind. Maybe we should grow up a little bit?".
"I am perfectly mature, it is you who needs to 'grow up'"
"Hey! I meant it literally".
She sighed, "Very well", with a mere thought, her form grew, until she was roughly twenty years old.
With a snap of his fingers, Great Red did the same. She scowled.
"Why do you keep snapping your fingers whenever you do anything".
He snapped his fingers again and let a ball of fire casually hover in his palm.
"Because it makes me awesome, duh. Also", he snapped his fingers again, and she most definitely did not 'eep' as they changed to be more normal by human standards.
Great Red stopped, looking at her with a mildly disturbed expression.
"Did you just 'eep'?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Of course not. Dragons do not 'eep'"
His smirk told her that she clearly hadn't heard the last of this, but without further ado, the two of them stepped out onto the bustling street. Despite her self-proclaimed love of silence, she'd grown to like a bit of liveliness, and this place clearly had it in spades.
Great Red stopped, and she turned to look at the street sign that had caught his attention.
"Where the hell is Kuoh?"
It was night-time in the underworld, and Sirzechs Lucifer was fast asleep. It was a rare occurrence for him to get a full night's sleep, and he relished every time he got to do so.
So he was more than a bit annoyed when the unfamiliar buzz of Ajuka's emergency line rang for the second time in a week.
He blearily slapped the circle, connecting him to Ajuka and wincing as he felt Grayfia stir beside him. He'd have to finish this quickly.
"Ajuka? It's three in the morning, why the hell aren't you in bed?"
"There's no time" Ajuka sounded strange, like he was ready to collapse yet full of energy at the same time, "There was another disturbance in the dimensional gap".
He groaned, rubbing his forehead, "Did I really need to know this now?"
"Yes, because this time, something came out". A half-awake Grayfia snapped to attention, and Sirzechs didn't think he'd ever woken up faster in his life.
"Are you sure?" He asked, him and his queen leaping out of bed, combat clothing forming around them.
"Yes, yes! Something hit the dimensional wall with an incredible amount of force, an amount I hadn't even believed possible! It's like throwing Gungnir at a sheet of paper!"
Grayfia looked at the circle strangely, and Sirzechs voiced their shared thoughts, "Uh, Ajuka? Are you okay?"
"No!" He snapped, "I haven't had sleep for four days and I'm pretty sure I need caffeine to live at this point!" He took a long slurp of something Sirzechs assumed to be caffeinated
"Never mind that! Whatever it was blasted out of the gap, bounced around like a ping-pong ball, all over practically every other dimension. One time it even pinged off the seventh level of heaven! There were hits in the underworld as well, two in Sitri territories and one in Bael".
"Are there any damages?"
"What? No, it's not a literal hit, they hit nothing, it's like whatever it is is confused and doesn't know where to go. Anyway it did that for approximately five seconds before it entered the human world and vanished".
"What do you mean it vanished?" Sirzechs questioned, wincing slightly as Grayfia kicked the doors to each of her fellow peerage members open, awakening them as quickly as possible.
"It stopped giving off energy! But before that, I did the scans on the data we acquired, and the power being given off is incredible! Especially for something as mundane as transportation".
"So we don't know where they are?" He questioned, trying and failing to keep the smirk off his face as Grayfia shot down Souji's request for coffee.
"No! But I did some triangulations, and according to my calculations, they would have ended up in Japan!"
Sirzechs eyes widened, and his hands unconsciously clenched into fists, sparks of red-black energy crackling around them.
"Rias", he practically whispered.
"As soon as I'm done here, I'm alerting Serafall, but either way, I'd advise pulling her and Sona back to the Underworld. If it is the dragons, then if something happens, it doesn't mater how far away they landed, the entire country will be obliterated!"
A Silver Gremory magic circle blazed into existence beneath Grayfia's feet, and he was instantly grateful to his wife for her quick thinking.
"Ajuka, do we have a way to contact Heaven and The Grigori?"
"Well… Yes, but-" Sirzechs cut the scientist off.
"Do it. If the dragons have come out and they've decided to move their battleground to the earth, the humans don't stand a chance. This is not a devil problem, and we'll need all the help we can get".
A pause, then"Roger, they'll be open within the hour. I'll contact you when they're finished".
"Good luck Ajuka".
As soon as the connection cut off, he turned to his peerage and began to bark out orders. Grayfia usually commanded the peerage, but when it came to it, he was the king.
He watched as they rushed into action, and he could only hope they'd be fast enough.
Rias Gremory sat alongside her peerage in the booth of a small restaurant, waiting for their food to be served.
She smiled as she watched her peerage interact. Issei was trying to explain something to Kiba, the sword user attempting to look interested but failing, and judging from Koneko's disapproving expression, it was most likely something to do with boobs.
Akeno tittered lightly one hand held daintily over her mouth. Asia smiled at them, kindly, no doubt attempting to support Issei in whatever way she could.
Then the door opened, and two new customers came in. She was quite proud of her sensory abilities, so when she felt nothing from them, she turned her attention back to her friends.
As they passed, she caught a snippet of a conversation.
"We are lost".
"No we're not! I promise you-"
They settled into the booth behind her, and continued their bickering. Issei paused in his explanation, and suddenly grimaced, clutching his head.
"Issei?" She questioned worriedly "Are you alright?"
He began muttering under his breath, and she soon realised he was talking to Ddraig. Whatever the dragon was saying eventually got to him, and he broke out of the whisper.
Placing his arm under the table for at least some measure of concealment, he activated the boosted gear, the Gem on it's back flashing rapidly.
As she was going to scold him for using his abilities so brazenly in an open area, the gem spoke, it's voice broken and intersected by static.
"There's no time! You've got to get out of here before they notice us!"
"Before who notices us? What're you on about you stupid dragon?"
"Devil Girl!", She felt the full intensity of the dragon's panicked gaze on her from within the gem, "If you don't want to die a horrific death, then you'll get us out of here".
"Um, Dragon-san, I don't think there's anything her-"
"DID SOMEONE SAY DRAGON?"
Then the man from the next booth leapt upwards, onto the divide between the two booths, and struck a pose.
Asia leapt clean over the table and straight into Issei. Ddraig let out a little whimper.
"FEAR NOT FOR I, THE TRUE DRAGON, THE DRAGON OF DRAGONS AND THE TRUE DRAGON GOD EMP-"
"True Dragon?" A monotonous voice droned from the behind the apparently crazy man.
"Well, yeah. A lot of people call me that". His reverie broken, Rias could only stare in shocked silence as he argued with him companion.
"Why are you the true dragon?"
He sighed, and fixed her (it sounded like a her) with a pointed stare.
"When was the last time you turned into a dragon?" He asked.
"Exactly, now shut up and let me finish my epic speech".
When she didn't respond to his comment he turned back
"Now ahem, where was I?"
'True Dragon God Emperor?" Issei pointed out helpfully.
"Thank you, THE TRUE DRAGON GOD EMPEROR, TOTALLY THE COOLEST DRAGON EVER, THE GREAT RED!"
Rias had been getting progressively paler as the display went on, and Koneko looked distinctively ill. Issei on the other hand, was now staring at the self-proclaimed 'coolest dragon ever' with stars in his eyes.
"Are you like the super wise ancient dragon here to teach me and my dragon how to do awesome dragon things?"
The Great Red placed his hands on his hips and stuck his nose in the air.
"I am now!"
Issei gasped and clasped his hands together, and apparently had incentivised Asia to do the same, and both stared at the Dragon with worship in their eyes.
"See? This whole cult thing isn't so hard". He turned back to his companion. "At least mine will have a cool name".
"So are you going to plot my demise as well?" Rias could have sworn she'd detected a trace of amusement.
"Nope" he answered cheerfully, "Hmmmm"
He slowly got an evil grin on his face, the type you only see on serial killers and other psychopaths.
"Hey, do you guys want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos?"
They couldn't see it, but Ophis' eyebrow began to twitch violently.
"Will it help me do awesome dragon stuff?" Issei asked hopefully.
"No idea, but it might", Great Red admitted.
"I'll do it anyway'.
He paused, looking at all the incredulous stares he was receiving from every other occupant of the restaurant. With a snap of his fingers, everyone blanked out, before going about their business as if nothing had happened.
As he slid down into their booth, and began explaining the rules to Issei, Asia, and apparently Koneko, who'd decided she wanted to play, Rias excused herself and hurried out the door, hopefully out the earshot of the dragon.
Sliding a piece of paper emblazoned with the Gremory crest out of her wrist, she tapped it quickly, and was surprised to see her brother answer almost instantly.
"Rias, are you alright, where are you? Hang on, Grayfia's on her way".
"Nii-sama, the Great Red is in the opposite restaurant booth to my peerage". Her voice was quivering now.
There was a long pause.
"Rias, listen to me", her Brother was more serious than she'd ever heard him before, "Do not do anything to aggravate him. What's he doing now?"
"Well… He's playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Issei, Asia and Koneko".
As if on cue, she heard an angry growl from Issei, and boisterous laughter from the True Dragon.
"Uh… Right. Grayfia should be there, and if anything gets out of hand, remember you have the emergency teleportation seal". The emergency teleportation seal was something Sirzechs had developed himself during the Great War, when he was the 'Crimson Satan'.
It was originally a last resort for soldiers, should an invaluable position be in jeopardy, they'd activate the seal, and Sirzechs would be there to slaughter their foes.
In peacetime, only his family possessed his personal seals, as a way to make sure none of his enemies tried to get at him through them.
"Be safe Rias, I'm on my way, and Grayfia will be there any time, just hang on".
The connection cut off, and Rias took a deep breath, and stepped back into the restaurant.
"GODDAMNIT, HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE SO GOOD AT THIS?" Issei howled, clutching his hair.
Koneko smirked wordlessly, and Asia flashed an apologetic smile.
"BWAHAHAHA YOU SUCK AT THIS!"
"SCREW YOU!", Issei huffed, "I'm getting far too worked up about this, I need a distraction".
Ophis chose that particular moment to come round the corner of their booth and slide in next to them.
"I now have a distraction".
Rias re-entered the shop, looking a little pale but otherwise recovered".
"I am now very distracted".
"So do you guys want to play something else?" Great Red asked, the Hungry Hungry Hippos board halfway de-materialised before Ophis stopped him.
He sighed, "Fine" Ophis raised a hand, and crushed the board into a fine powder with her powers.
"That was so satisfying"
"She hates Hungry Hungry Hippos? Why? It's Awesome!" Issei exclaimed, pumping a fist.
"She's just grumpy because I beat her at it a while ago" He reassured Issei. Ophis huffed and looked away, folding her arms under her chest and causing a bit of blood to begin to leak out of Issei's nose.
Asia raised a hand, like a schoolgirl in class.
"Um, Dragon-san, I have a question. We learnt a bit about you at the church, and they said you aren't allowed to leave your home until the world ends. Is the world ending?"
"Oh no, we're just bored as hell. Like seriously, we got so bored that we've gotten all of the card combinations in Poker AND Blackjack".
Kiba frowned, "There are over two million combinations in poker alone".
"Exactly! AND Ophis won't even play Hungry Hungry Hippos with me!"
"Can we please stop talking about that abomination?"
They ignored her.
"You're bored?" Rias questioned disbelievingly, "That's it?"
The Great Red nodded, and Ophis added a humph of acknowledgement.
"Now, my greatest disciple-", he turned to Issei and Ophis frowned.
"He is your only disciple", she pointed out.
"That's why he's the greatest", Great Red countered smoothly, continuing onwards.
"Now I shall give you a blessing for your loyal service of, um… Hungry Hungry Hippos"
Then he tapped Issei on the forehead, and nothing happened.
"Um, did it work?" he asked confused. Even Rias was a bit curious as to what had happened to her pawn. Blessings from one of the most powerful beings in the universe were an incredibly rare occurrence, after all.
"I am the dragon of dreams, and so I have blessed your dreams for the rest of your life".
"What did you do?" Issei sounded almost reverent now, and she was a bit worried for her pawn.
"You can now only dream of Boobs!" he declared, and Rias and every member of her peerage, minus Issei, face-faulted.
Issei gasped in amazement, tears of happiness falling from his eyes,
"Thank you, Great Oppai Dragon God", he praised, bowing as low as the table would let him.
"As for my other game partners", he turned to Asia and Koneko. Then he pointed back at Issei and fired a miniscule beam of light at him, making him glow with a blue aura.
"What did that do?" Issei and Asia questioned the dragon, who winked slyly at the former nun.
"You'll see. I promise you'll enjoy it".
Then he turned to Ophis, and whispered something into her ear, then snapped his fingers.
"What did you do to them?" Rias questioned cautiously.
"I gave them what they most desired" His voice was unusually serious, from what she'd seen of him, and had taken on a kinder tone, "if they think hard about it, they'll realise, for the pervert it was easy, but a bit harder for the other two. It'll happen in time, I promise".
Akeno spoke up, her voice very quiet, "You know, for the horrific monster you're made out to be, you're a very nice person".
"He smiled at her, "Why thank you".
Then Ophis abruptly stood up, snagged his hadn't, and proceeded to drag him off.
"Uh oh!" he called back to them as he slid across the floor, "Too much serious stuff! Bye guys!" Then the two Dragons disappeared out the door. Not a second later, Grayfia came storming into the restaurant, her outfit drawing a few strange looks, which she ignored.
"Rias", she demanded, her tone as cold as ice, "Are you alright, did they hurt you?"
She shook her head, "No, actually. They said they were just bored of the Dimensional Gap, Great Red played a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with those three", she pointed to them, and they waved at her, "then gave some sage advice and left".
"When did they leave?"
"About two seconds before you arrived, Grayfia-san, you must have walked past them"
She frowned, "No-one left this establishment before or while I entered, I would have noticed.
"Then where'd they go?" Issei voiced the question they were all thinking.
"Well that was nice", Great Red stretched, staring at the orange sunset. The two of them sat on a park bench, staring at the setting sun while they decided where to go."Maybe this is what the Big G felt like, running around giving blessings and all that".
"I will admit, that was enjoyable", Ophis agreed, "We could have done without the Hungry Hungry Hippos though".
"You're just upset that I'm better than you at it!" Great Red exclaimed, enjoying the annoyed scowl that passed over her face briefly immensely . He laughed and relaxed into the bench, hands behind his head.
He opened an eye lazily,"Hm?"
"Don't tell me you've had enough? I'm mostly definitely not ready to return to the Dimensional Gap, so we will have to find something else to fend off our boredom".
He raised a cocky eyebrow, "That sounds like a challenge"
She smirked, allowing a full emotion to play onto her face for the first time since entering into the human world. It felt nice, unusual, but nice.
"Come on then" The Great Red rose, placing his hands on his knees and pushing himself upwards. He turned and offered her a hand.
"Lets go then. Time's a' wasting".
As she took his hand and let herself get dragged off to who knows where, an unfamiliar sensation played across her face. She didn't recognize it, but apparently Great Red did.
"Did you just smile?" He asked incredulously, staring at her.
"I have no idea what you're talking about"
He smiled back at her.
"Right, right. Onwards!"
Perhaps silence was overrated, after all.
Seriously fuck Hungry Hungry Hippos. I've never been so angry in my life.