Author's Note:

Nothing like an extra day off work to let you get into your creative mindset! I wish it was like this more often. Thanks one and all for your patience and hopefully I will be able to keep up with a rather brisk update schedule. I'm having a great time.

Zootopia and Disney are as always not my own, and Rich Moore is smarter than the stick/box/cheeseburger trap I set so I don't own him either. Yet.

Guardian Blue - Who Writes This?!

Chapter 4: A Fist Full of Foxy Fluff

Judy had never been one for watching TV when she lived in Bunnyburrow. She had it drilled into her, if unintentionally, by her parents that it might be impossible for her to be a police officer because she was a bunny. That meant she forced herself to forgo a lot of the normal side-activities to focus instead on training, reading, and preparing. She did not fall in love with any kind of media programming until she met Nick. When she was preparing him for the academy, he began to burn out and suggested a movie night. He was initially shocked to find out that he could have chosen nearly any movie and she had never seen it. They stayed up so long at Nick's place that Judy ended up sleeping on the couch because it was just too late to go home.

After that, movie night or show-watching became something of a no-work-tomorrow kind of event. Nick felt safer going home late given his better vision in the dark, so they took to having the movie nights at Judy's tiny apartment. Since Nick had become an officer they had done movie night three times. Judy pushed her thick, wide reading pillow up against the wall to make her bed feel at least a little more like a couch.

Nick sat at the edge of the bed while she got it set up and asked, "Where did they leave off last season? Can you remember? I don't think I can remember." He then moved back to sit against the big pillow beside his partner.

"Zootopia was deserted except for one wolf pup, and the brothers couldn't figure out what happened," Judy reminded him.

"Oh right. It was the deserted city scenario. That's literally my worst fear. How could I forget?" Nick sighed. Judy had made Nick watch a zombie movie and had discovered then that his two biggest fears were deserted towns and cities and ironically, hospitals that were no longer being used. She had teased him occasionally about it during early morning patrols when parts of the city did seem deserted.

"Calm down, you know these things get resolved," Judy laughed, pushing her back against the pillow. She intentionally sat a little closer to the middle of it than usual, which made Nick scoot a little closer to have something to lean on as well. Judy flattened her ears back as she considered her own selfishness. She wanted to feel better. He was safe and nearby so she could relax. She did feel better. The bunny stared down at her feet a moment as Nick got the show started on Judy's laptop which sat on the desk across from the bed. The russet mammal got comfortable beside her and her eyes locked on the screen as the show opened. It spent the next fifteen minutes recapping the previous season and setting up the new one. Judy did not glance at Nick at all during this, as she began to feel a little guilty about tying him up over her sudden weird insecurity. Had he already had plans today? Did he cancel them because of her?

"I wonder if the Reaper will finally tell them what happened to their doubles from season eight," Nick asked. Judy glanced up at him finally as he grinned at that. He was never going to let that plot hole go. She chuckled at him. Her worries that he didn't want to be there were extinguished. She sat back more fully into her pillow, feeling suddenly very heavy, warm and comfortable.

In fact, she could not remember a time since she had arrived in Zootopia where she felt this completely content. That felt, in some way, a little off. That uniqueness alone was able to keep her attention even as the beginning scene of the new season unfolded. What was she feeling? Why was she suddenly so content when a moment ago she was embarrassed and ashamed for how she was acting? She peered up at Nick. That relaxed smirk that was always on his muzzle was predictably there. She could not really focus on one single feeling as she watched him, but she began to feel less and less in general. Everything became slowly muted. It was so comfortable, and he seemed so relaxed too. She had worried him so much just a couple hours before. Seeing him not worry made her feel even better. She smiled and turned to look at the screen again…

"Carrots, are you coming?" Nick asked. The bunny blinked and looked around. They were in the mall. Judy held the tray from the sandwich place in her paws, and she was standing in front of the recycle bin like an idiot. What just happened? Where was she? She shook her head. Had she really just dozed off during lunch with her partner? He didn't seem to really notice.

"Huh? Yeah, hold on, I was trying to remember something, but I forgot it again," She stated, tossing her paper and putting up the tray. She moved over beside Nick as he started to leave the food court. She felt a sense of déjà vu and shook her head a bit. Nick gazed at her with some concern.

"You okay? You've been a flake all morning, fluff. I thought you were gonna walk right out the window at the courthouse." He grinned at her. Judy rubbed her eyes. When were they in court? Did they stop there? Yeah. They had to have stopped there.

"I didn't sleep well last night," She explained.

"Why not? Dreaming about meeeee?" the fox asked teasingly. Judy punched his arm and laughed. She suddenly could not remember why she couldn't sleep though. She walked with him through the lower floor of the mall, heading for the entrance.

"Hey Nick. Do you want to do a movie night tonight?" the bunny asked.

"No can do, Fluff," the fox answered with a show of disappointment. "Mom and I are gonna replace her fridge today. She cannot do that on her own," He insisted. Judy was crestfallen. Why she had wanted to do that so badly right then she could not figure out. Had it just popped into her head? Was that what she was thinking about in front of the recycle bin? It felt really fresh in her mind, so she bet that was it. She followed Nick out of the mall to find that outside everything was unusually quiet.

The parking lot appeared to be absolutely empty except for a medium-sized blue van parked sideways right on the sidewalk. In the driver's seat was a goat with headphones on drumming on his steering wheel. Judy was perplexed by that, but even more in that it was the only vehicle outside at all. She was certain she had never seen the van before, but it appeared somehow familiar at the same time. Had they ticketed this guy before? She gazed back out beyond the van. The parking lot really was completely empty. She wondered if Nick was unnerved by that. He hated the whole deserted place concept, she remembered. She tried to remember if she had even seen anyone else actually in the mall. Judy walked around slowly to the back of the van and then peered out over the empty lot curiously, then back to Nick who had turned around and began to walk toward the driver's side door.

"Nick wait…" Judy felt fear roll through her, she struggled to think of why.

"Hold on Judy, I'm just gonna ask him to move his van, he can't be parked on the sidewalk," Nick said calmly. That made sense. Besides, why would he park on the sidewalk if there was literally no one else in the lot? The rabbit studied the back of the van. Its license plate was completely blank. Her eyes shot open as she heard the side door of the van slide open.

"NICK!" she screamed but it was too late. She saw his eyes go wide and then an explosion from inside the van so hard the whole vehicle listed to one side. Her partner was instantly shredded, literally becoming red confetti. The paper squares of it rose beautifully into the wind. Nick actually screamed when it happened. It was an awful sound Judy had never heard from him, and that was followed by complete silence. She dropped to the sidewalk on her paws and knees staring down as a tide of blood washed over her clutching fingers. It was like a bucket or washtub of crimson had been sloshed onto the ground. She screamed again. Then again, and again. "No! No! NO! NO! NO!"

"Judy, stop, c'mon, JUDY!" Nick yelled. She was shaken hard and her eyes bolted wide open, staring forward at Nick's face. She was shaking. Her heart was racing. Her eyes were wet. Her chest hurt. She held perfectly still, her nose wiggling like mad. "Judy!" Nick said again, as if trying to talk to her through a block of ice. She couldn't talk for a moment more, but she at least managed to figure out where she was. She was on her bed. Nick was sitting beside her. There was noise, what was the noise? It was a gunshot. She heard a gunshot. Her entire body jerked from it. "Judy, stop! It's okay! It was a dream!" Nick barked loudly. She focused in the direction of the gunshot. The heroes of the show they were watching were fighting some kind of monster with shotgun shells full of rock salt.

It was a dream. She was in her apartment. She had fallen asleep while they watched the show. Her breathing began to slow and she sank back down against the pillow. The fear flooded out of her and the embarrassment flooded in, her heart still hammering either way. She gritted her teeth, struggling not to cry. There was a mix of embarrassment, fear, and gladness. She was so messed up now. Why hadn't she listened?

She began speaking, emotionally unfiltered. "I'm sorry Nick. I'm so sorry. It was terrible. You got k-k…" She leaned forward, trying to just look away from him, not wanting to let him see how upset she was.

"It's okay Judy, I'm okay, you're okay, everybody's okay," Nick said insistently, out of breath himself. Judy cringed at that. Had she scared him too? She looked back to him.

"You screamed when you died, Nick, it was so horrible. I've never heard anything like that." The bunny whimpered, trying hard to justify how bad she reacted.

"Yeah, no, the scream was real. That part was real," Nick stated flatly.

"What?" Judy asked, terror suddenly boiling up inside her. It was over, right? The bad dream was over. Her eyes searched him, half expecting him to just be covered in blood. Nick stared down at Judy's little grey paw, which she was still clutching into a fist so tight her fingers hurt. She lifted her paw and gasped in surprise. Jutting out from in between all of her fingers she found a very ample amount of cream-colored fur. Nick frowned with more than a little scorn at Judy as she glanced back at him. He rubbed his tummy through his Pawaiian-print shirt. Judy squeaked in immediate revulsion and shook her opening paw. A snowfall of fox fluff rained down around them on her bed.

"Oh Nick! I'm so sorry! Oh my gosh - are you okay?!" she cried in near panic. She hurt him. He was there to help her, whether he realized that or not, and she actually caused him physical pain for it. She felt awful. Nick waved his paw at her, his expression softening, no longer harsh and displaying his pain. He then leaned forward, claw-tips on her shoulder as he pushed her slowly back to the pillow against the wall. Judy gasped slightly.

"It's alright Judy…" he stated in a tender-sounding voice, skipping her usual nicknames to add weight to the genuine nature of his forgiveness. "It's fine, really. But… you know what might make me feel better?" he asked as he leaned in closer. He had a warm, compassionate smile on his muzzle, then only an inch from hers. Judy's ears were scorching hot as he held himself nearly nose to nose with her. Her eyes lowered a bit, taking in his shirt pattern because she was unable to meet his gaze. Her heart fluttered in her chest.

What was he doing? She didn't want that. Did she? Still not looking up for fear of what he'd do when their eyes met, she answered in the meekest tone she could.

"What… what would help?" Nick leaned back so suddenly that she felt a breeze on her face from how quickly he snapped away from her.

The fox exclaimed, "…telling me what the heck is going on with you, Fluff!" he barked loudly as held his arms out in exasperation. Judy groaned a bit, trying to think of anything to smooth this disaster over. She heard a familiar voice through the wall.

"Leave her alone, fox, she had a scary dream about a scary story she read! There's nothing wrong with that." It was Pronk's voice. Oh no. No, they were doing the opposite of helping her! Judy inwardly whimpered. Bucky, tell him to shut up like you always do!

"Yeah, you should be more sensitive, it's wrong to yell!" Bucky yelled. Judy whined to herself. Nooooo! Nick stared at the shouting wall with a blank, wide-eyed expression as he stood beside Judy's bed. His eyes then slowly closed and he brought his paw up as if in slow motion to the bridge of his muzzle, cupping it as he stood completely still and silent. Judy grinned as innocently as she could at her partner.

"You read a scary story," Nick stated slowly, as if more to give her the option to say that her neighbors were mistaken. The bunny knew better than to attempt to mislead the former con artist.

"Um… did I? Yes. Yes I did," Judy offered meekly, pulling her legs up to her chest, hugging them as she smiled helplessly to Nick. When she was in trouble with her parents, growing up, she curled up into a little ball like this to seem smaller and less guilty, she supposed.

Her partner paced slowly, paws behind his back. "If I walked into a Barks and Nobles, would I be correct in assuming I would never find this scary story?" Judy was quiet a moment, trying to read her partner. Was he mad? He should be mad. She gazed sullenly at the fur laying all over her bed. He should be very, very mad. He didn't look mad. She drew a deep breath.

"It would… It would not be there, no," she answered honestly.

"Carrots, why? Why would you do that? I didn't want you to do that." Nick's tone was surprisingly gentle. Maybe a little bit sad. Her heart skipped a beat. He wasn't angry, he was disappointed. She felt way worse about that. Mad was better. She deserved mad. She visibly wilted.

"I'm a dumb bunny," she bluntly replied, frowning. "So go ahead and give it to me. The big I told you so. I read the story and it messed me up. Oh, it messed me up good." Nick sighed softly and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at the floor. Judy wilted further. Please not sadness.

"Judy, this isn't funny to me. It was never a bet, it was never a challenge." He spoke in a hushed tone, perhaps trying to leave Bucky and Pronk out of this conversation. Not that it would work. The fox pulled his own ears back tightly, forcing his eyes wide just from the pull of his angular canid face. That was a big sign of stress in her partner. Judy watched him intently, wishing she could just hide under the bed from her embarrassment. She ripped out a patch of his fur. Of all the graceless things she had ever done in all her life…

"Nick… I'm sorry…" Judy began.

Nick put his paws up to silence her. "Let's just… Let's fast forward past all of the 'I was right and you didn't trust me, then went and traumatized yourself anyway," he took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself down. He was upset. The bunny felt miserable. "…so, let's talk about it, okay? Let's try to get around it, do a little brain bleaching. I need you firing on all cylinders, Carrots," her partner said earnestly. Judy looked at him blankly. What, no snarky comment? No smug? No teasing? Was this still a dream? Nick blinked at his partner, looking at her curiously a moment as she just stared at him wordlessly. What did he want? How would it even help to hear that she was torn up because he died in a dumb story and left a fictional version of her all alone? Her expression must have been as blank as she felt, since he finally asked, "What was the story? Did you… get killed in it?"

"Huh?" Judy shook herself out of her stunned silence, and then bit her lip slightly. "Nick, I really don't want to think about that awful… thing."

"Trust me Judy, it will help to get it out, discuss it, and have someone other than you dismiss it. Out with it," he stated with authority. The bunny lowered her ears and turned away. She owed him at least what he was asking for. She tore out his fur, for crying out loud.

"I didn't die," Judy spoke with a lot of weight in her heart. She didn't even want to say it. She sucked in a deep breath. Nick stared at her expectantly. "My partner did." She opened her eyes and looked up at Nick and a tear rolled down her cheek the moment she did, for all the fighting she did. She looked down shamefully, trying and failing to hide that emotional self-betrayal. Nick remained quiet a moment, not reacting if indeed he had actually seen it. She was grateful for that.

"How?" he finally asked, in a near whisper. Judy was quiet a moment, and then carefully and anxiously relayed the details of the moment in the story that had played itself in her mind again and again, then finally in her dream. She found herself feeling a little more secure as she told him. As she spoke she realized it was because she was telling it to Nick, and by telling him about it, it made the story more and more defined as a work of fiction, and not something that was happening to her partner who was right there listening to it. She finished explaining that, and then the dream afterward as best she could remember it. He remained quiet the entire time, not pushing, not dismissing anything, and not asking questions of his own. He just listened, obviously trying to reflect on it.

Having finished explaining the story and subsequent dream, Judy finally grumbled out bitterly, "Why?" Her partner regarded her curiously. She sucked in a deep breath and felt her anger from the previous night return. "Why did he write that? Why did he need to kill you? Who the heck is that even for?" Nick moved closer to Judy, and she felt that strange contentment wash over her again. He sat beside her as they had been earlier that afternoon and her anger ran out of her like she was a colander. What was that even about? She dismissed it again as her partner spoke.

"Carrots, first I need to explain why I even know about this stuff so you can understand why I am able to answer that question." The bunny paid close attention, nodding. "Doing what I did before I became an officer left me with plenty of free time. I really liked a science fiction show that came on TV back then, but it got cancelled in its first season. It was great, and they washed their paws of it eight episodes in! I was bummed about that, but I felt like there was so much more story to tell. I started looking to see if maybe extended scripts that were supposed to be done were out there and maybe I could read about the story that never got a chance to be filmed. In doing so, I found out a bunch of mammals thought the same way, and they loved it as much as I did. There was no secret material or unaired episode, so they wrote it themselves. Some of it was great. Some of it not so great, but everyone had their own story. And it belonged to each mammal," Nick carefully explained.

"Did they kill your favorite character?" Judy asked, then flattened her ears at what she had just insinuated. She glanced anxiously at Nick, but thankfully he did not seem to fixate on that.

"Oh my goodness, yes!" Nick laughed, "… and even worse than that, trust me! It was brutal! Like I said, not every story was a story I would have wanted to read." The bunny lowered her head.

"It still doesn't explain why. Why kill the characters at all? Why did he want you to…" she asked, unable to even complete the disgusting thought.

"I am not really sure, Fluff," Nick said with a sigh. He went back to that soft, soothing voice like he'd used on the gondola the day they became friends, something she so rarely heard from him. "A bunch of different reasons, I bet. I'm sure there's a few of those writers who are legitimately kinda messed up, but a lot of it is just mammals working through real stuff, you know? Real pain, real loss, real anger. They don't know any other way that feels safe to work it all out, so they work it out on paper and anonymously send it out into the darkness. In the end, it's their feelings, their thoughts, their fears and wants. It gets said and they can feel better to have said, it even if it's not what they really mean, and even if no one reads it at all. It's like telling me what was hurting you took the pain away from you a moment ago. It's not always about wanting to cause pain in the story. And it's not like they want to cause pain with the story either. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge that the pain is there." Judy stared up at the fox, her eyes a bit wider with wonder. She could not recall hearing him open up so completely and candidly about anything like this. She then reflected back to one of her first memories of him.

"So… When you hurt, sometimes the best healing you can hope for is that another mammal out there can know about it…" She watched as Nicks features softened a little, and he smiled genuinely at her. She felt like she actually understood. She understood not just why the mammal wrote the story that had upset her, but something a lot deeper about Nick than he might have intended to share right then.

"Something like that, yeah. It's not about wanting to hurt others. It's just about rubbing the spot that hurts till you can handle the pain." He rubbed his tummy and pouted playfully at the bunny. She thumped the fox with a small pillow.

"Oh stop crying about it, Nick, it'll grow back. I said I was sorry!" She looked at the laptop, still playing the show they had been watching. She tilted her head a little. How long had she been asleep? Did Nick try to wake her up? How long was he going to let her sleep while he stayed at her side? Her face heated up. Was Nick watching over her as she slept? Wait… How did she get a pawful of tummy fur in the first place, what was she doing with her paws while she was sleeping? Under his shirt? Her nose revved up in a storm of wiggling. She immediately looked down to hide her blush if it was visible. She must have really freaked out during the dream and started just grabbing anything she could hold. She looked up again and watched as Nick got back onto the bed and situated the back-pillow again, backing up the program to near the first part from before. It seemed like she had missed the rest of the first episode and almost all of the next. She glanced over at Nick with her ears still burning. He smiled and patted the spot she had previously occupied. He did not seem at all offended by her actions at least. She sighed softly.

He spoke more cheerfully, "C'mon, it's not even seven o'clock yet, we are gonna do some brain bleach and you can forget all about the story." Judy sighed and nodded to the fox, crawling back into her spot. She felt that wash of contentment again and just forcefully ignored it. She had every right to feel content with a friend as good as this fox was to her. She gazed up at him again, replaying his words in her head. Sometimes what we do is merely rub the spot that hurts until we can bear the pain. She whispered softly,

"I forgot to say earlier, Nick… and I want to say before I forget again…" She looked up into his eyes. "The kids seem to like you a lot." Nick tilted his head curiously at his partner, smiling at the compliment paid to him. She continued, "You are right about the fluff assignments. It's just as important. Those kids deserve even more time and attention than the guys we haul off the streets any other day. I will take it more seriously too." Nick appeared a little puzzled by that sudden admission from his partner, eyes wide, and then like a switch the smug settled back on his face. Judy laid her ears back, bracing for impact.

"Oh good. And that reminds me Carrots, since we got back to the start of the episode… we can get back to the start of me telling you I told you so, and I can listen to the part about you being a dumb bunny again." Nick grinned asininely at her partner grumpily crossed her arms.

"I knew it!" she hissed, looking away to hide her grin. She knew he was doing it to dodge the compliments. He almost always diffused real praise with humor and sass.

"That was my favorite part too!" Pronk yelled from the other room.

"Shut up, they were having a moment!" Bucky shouted.

"The fox ruined it first!" Pronk countered loudly, and Nick laughed heartily, ears back, tongue out. Judy groaned and leaned in against her partner with her arms over her knees and buried her face. She prepared to enjoy her loud, frustrating evening in the company of her annoying, smug, shifty, clever, forgiving, wonderful fox. Her face hidden completely, she smiled in continued nearly inexplicable utter contentment.