This is my first foray into Fanfic, but it's something I've been working on for awhile. These two are near and dear to my heart and I wanted desperately to get them out of the mess they put themselves in. More to come in the next few days. Please let me know what you think!
Lorelai lay in bed motionless, with Chris's arm around her, afraid to even breathe too deeply for fear of waking him back up. The events of the previous night - her ultimatum to Luke, coming here to Christopher, the tequila - all swirled around in the fogginess of her hungover brain. She couldn't even remember the sex, but judging by Chris spooning her, the condom wrapper on the bedside table, and her current state of undress, she had to figure that two and two probably made four.
She contemplated the idea of slipping quickly from his grasp and sneaking out, but she had no idea where her clothes were and she was missing the recall of some, clearly very important, events from last night. She decided the best course of action was to wake Chris and hope that his memory was much more clear than hers.
She patted Chris on the arm frantically, trying to hold back tears.
"Chris? Wake up!"
Her voice sounded high-pitched, unsure, and untrustworthy - as if she had spent hours crying. She couldn't believe that Gigi had seen her naked in her father's bed! How confusing for the poor kid!
"At least she thought I was sick," she thought, "which is clearly not a big stretch at this point."
She felt Chris stir and rub her shoulder.
"Lor? Are you okay?"
Lorelai was released from her thoughts enough to realize she was crying again. Chris got out of the bed and she tried to control the tears that were now streaming down her face. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to regain her composure. When she felt confident enough that she wouldn't lose it, she opened her eyes to find Chris sitting on the bed near her feet, eyeing her warily - clearly concerned. She stared at him for a moment until he finally spoke:
"So did you cry in your sleep all night, or only when I happened to wake up?" he asked her.
She shook her head, a little afraid to trust her voice again. After another deep breath she finally said,
"I wish I could tell you. But after that fifth? Or was it sixth? drink, I don't remember anything."
She gestured to the condom wrapper on the night table and added almost desperately, "please tell me you can fill in the blanks?"
Chris nodded slowly and sighed.
"I was afraid of that. I've never seen you drink like that before, Lor. And I've seen you do a lot of drinking! And then...when we...well, you scared me."
Lorelai sat up slowly, feeling her head pounding, and pulled the covers tightly against her naked chest.
"What the hell happened, Chris?"
"I don't know, Lor. We were drinking - well, mostly you were - I kept trying to get you to slow down, or have some water or coffee, but you threatened me with bodily harm, so I kept pouring more and figured I would just make sure you stayed here and got some sleep and you'd be fine. But you were crying - I've never seen you so hysterical - and you kept saying that you needed to feel wanted and loved, and then you took your dress off…"
"Oh my god!" Lorelai interjected, pressing her head into her hands "Please tell me you're joking!"
"Sorry. Definitely not joking. I tried to talk to you. I could never really understand what happened to make you so hysterical. I asked if you were sure and you just kept asking me to love you."
"In retrospect, I realize you thought you were talking to someone else, or hoped you were at least. But I didn't get that until after…"
"Wait….what do you mean?" Lorelai asked.
"Well," Chris began, "we...you know, started to...and you were totally fine and you were enjoying yourself and into it. But then…" he trailed off, almost afraid to tell her.
"Then WHAT?" Lorelai asked, getting impatient and feeling a bit nervous.
"Well, then right in the middle of...you know….well, you called me Luke and then broke down in tears."
"Oh my god…." said Lorelai, mostly under her breath.
"So...I stopped, you know? Because clearly you didn't want that with me. And then I tried to calm you down, but you just kind of curled up into a ball on the bed and passed out right there. I figured you just needed to feel safe for the night, so I held you while you slept. I'm….I'm sorry Lor. I never would have….well I never would have allowed anything to happen if I had known it wasn't me you were after. I guess I just kind of hoped….? Well, anyway, I'm not a creep. There was no way I was going to finish what we started after that. You were clearly too drunk to know what was happening and what you were saying and I never should have done anything. I take full responsibility. I should have known you weren't coherent enough to make a decision like that. If you need me to talk to Luke…"
Chris looked at Lorelai who was completely crestfallen. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She took a deep breath and tried again, speaking very softly.
"I can't...believe...I did this to Luke. He'll never forgive me for this! I don't care how distant he's been, he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Why in the hell did I give him that ultimatum? Luke has never been one to jump like that! I should have just talked to him and told him how horrible I've been feeling. How did I let this happen? How did I let things get so out of hand? Why do I always do this?"
Lorelai buried her head in her hands and sobbed, her entire body shaking.
Chris put a hand on Lorelai's shoulder and sighed deeply. He got up from the bed and left the room, returning after a few moments with a neat pile of Lorelai's clothes, topped with her purse. He set them on the bed and said quietly, "Why don't you get dressed and I'll make you some coffee." Lorelai nodded slowly and managed a small, "thanks, Chris" through stifled sobs.
Chris left quietly, leaving Lorelai alone. She had just begun trying to stand when her phone rang inside her purse. She searched frantically through the small bag trying to shut it off. The loud ring was causing severe pain to rip through her already pounding head.
She finally found the phone and was about to shut it off when she realized it was Rory calling. She had no clue what time it was, but knew that Logan had a really early flight to England, so Rory was probably calling needing some support and a shoulder to cry on.
Lorelai wiped her eyes and cleared her throat before answering the call.
"Hey kid," she said, trying to sound chipper and not like she had spent the last 12 hours in hysterical tears. "Did you see Logan off?"
"Hey Mom." Rory sounded pretty bummed. "We said goodbye here at the apartment. He said I couldn't come with him to the airport because if I was there, he wouldn't get on the plane."
"Awww," said Lorelai. "I'm sorry, kid. I know you miss him." She heard Rory sniff and then say tearfully, "I know this is going to be good for him. I just hate that he has to be so far away."
"I know hon," Lorelai responded.
"Wait" said Rory, as if she had just realized something wasn't right, "Where are you? Why aren't you at home? I called there first and Babette answered the phone and said that she'd been there all night with Paul Anka because she heard him doing that strange howling thing he does when you're not there, and she didn't know where you were."
Lorelai cringed. Just then, Chris came in carrying a large mug of coffee and two aspirin. Lorelai mouthed "thank you" to him and then pointed to the phone and whispered "Rory" upon seeing the questioning look on his face. Chris nodded and backed out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.
Lorelai cleared her throat just as Rory said, "Mom? Is everything alright?"
"Uhh, yeah. Sorry. I got distracted. I uhhh, didn't make it home last night," Lorelai shook her head. "I just...crashed somewhere else" she said quickly. "Look hon, I'll fill you in later, okay? Why don't you meet me at home this afternoon and we'll hang out and I'll try to distract you until Logan lands at Heathrow, sound good?"
"Yeah, okay Mom. Thanks" said Rory. "Are you sure you're okay, though?" she added.
Lorelai shook her head no, but said into the phone, "everything's fine. I'll see you at home in a couple hours."
"Okay. Love you Mom!"
"Love you too, kid."
Lorelai downed the two aspirin that Chris had brought her with a giant gulp of coffee and tried to calm herself. She stood slowly and carefully then got dressed as fast as she could manage without jiggling her pounding head too much. She slipped her heels on, took one step, and promptly removed them.
"I think I'll be carrying these" she mumbled to herself. "Heels and Hangovers would make an interesting girl band, but they don't belong together in my life."
She returned her phone to her purse, put the strap over her shoulder, and turned to look at the room, shaking her head in utter disbelief as she closed the door behind her.
Lorelai found Christopher sitting at the breakfast bar in his kitchen staring into a cup of coffee.
"Hey, Chris. I...I don't know what to say. Thank you and I'm sorry don't quite cut it, but...thank you. And I'm so sorry."
Chris didn't even look up from his coffee.
"Lor...Go find Luke and see what you can do to fix this. You belong with him. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it."
"I don't know if it can be fixed this time," Lorelai said dejectedly. "This is inexcusable behavior. I acted like a complete fool. I yelled at him in the street! OH GOD! The whole town must know by now!"
"Just go try. And if I can help…." Chris trailed off. "Well..I just want you to be happy. So call if you need anything. And hey, give that kid of ours a hug for me, will you?"
Lorelai left Chris's apartment and squinted into the bright sunshine as she climbed into the Jeep. Thanks to the aspirin and the coffee, the pounding in her head was reduced to a dull ache. She pulled out her phone and dialed. Sookie finally answered after 4 rings, sounding out of breath.
"Lorelai! Where have you been? The whole town is looking for you!"
Crap. Lorelai sighed. "Uhhh, whataya mean, Sook?"
"I mean that Luke has either shown up to or called almost every place in town looking for you, so now everyone is worried sick! Where are you? OH! Oh my god! This isn't like the time you ran away from Max and the wedding is it?"
"Uhhh, no Sookie. Look, I'm sure the whole town is talking about the very loud…uhh, conversation Luke and I had last night. It was a crappy night and I needed to get away from it all, so I crashed in Hartford, okay? I'm on my way home now. Please tell everyone I'm fine. I'll fill you in on the rest later."
"Okay honey. Drive carefully please. Do I need to tell Luke anything if I see him?"
"Oh, uhh, no no. That's okay. I'll talk to him later today. After….well...nevermind. I'll take care of it. Thanks hon!"
Lorelai started the engine and drove home in silence, the information she still couldn't quite process or understand swirling around in her brain. As she pulled up to her house, she saw Luke's truck parked out front. Panic set in and she almost turned around and left again. She hadn't had nearly enough time to figure out what she could possibly say to him. She couldn't erase what had apparently happened. But since she had spent the past couple days childishly hiding from him, and then she just showed up like a crazed lunatic at the diner the previous night...well, she couldn't keep running.
She shut off the car, grabbed her purse and shoes, and took a deep breath before getting out. She walked slowly up to the front steps, the pounding of her heart from panic matching the pounding in her head from the hangover. She held her breath and pushed open the front door quietly.
She peered into the living room and saw Luke sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. He clearly hadn't heard her come in. She watched him for a minute, overcome with love for the man who had searched through the town for her, and remorse for her behavior. As she was contemplating sneaking into the kitchen to compose herself, she saw him look up as if he realized he was being watched. He turned around and saw her, his eyes wide, a combination of sadness, fear, and relief wearing heavily upon his face.
"Lorelai!" He exclaimed. "Where the hell have you been?" He ran over to her and hugged her. She just stood there, feeling paralyzed. Luke looked at her face, her eyes red and puffy, her hair uncharacteristically disheveled, and he was overcome with worry. "Lorelai, talk to me, please. What the hell got into you last night?"
Lorelai breathed deeply, trying to figure out where to start when the phone rang. The sound startled her out of her daze and it took her a moment to realize what she was hearing. The machine picked up and she heard Chris's voice.
"Lor? Are you there?" She ran to the phone to pick it up, afraid of what Chris might say on the machine.
"Chris, I'm here. Yeah, I'm good. Okay…thanks."
She hung up the phone and turned back to Luke, immediately reading the pain on his face that's always there when he hears Christopher's voice.
"What did he want?" Luke asked.
Lorelai looked down and cleared her throat before testing her voice. "He, uhhh, just wanted to make sure I was okay I guess. My parents invited him to dinner last night and tried to set him up with a shrink. Anyway, he could tell I was a little upset last night, so I guess he was just checking on me?"
She slowly raised her head to see how Luke was taking that information. He looked at her, confused.
"Wait, your mom tried to set him up with a shrink?"
Lorelai chuckled a little. "Yeah. Pretty funny, right? He was shanghaied. Actually contemplated sneaking out the window! She was very nice, I talked to her for….well anyway. If you can believe it, they didn't exactly hit it off" she said, sarcastically.
"Imagine that." Luke grabbed onto Lorelai's shoulders and looked into her eyes. "So. The last time I saw you, you were yelling at me for this entire crazy town to hear, and then you walked away from me. Now you show up here at ten in the morning, in the same clothes you were wearing last night, looking like you haven't slept in days…"
"Gee, thanks" she muttered.
"I'm just saying, Lorelai. Can you fill in the missing hours?"
"I don't know, Luke. I just...freaked out! I talked to Lynnie last night after dinner…"
"Yeah, the woman my mother tried to set Chris up with. Anyway, I was just so lost and confused and she was there and willing to listen and I told her that I never really loved anyone, until you, Luke. And that you're the only man in this world that I've ever wanted to marry, but this thing between us makes me feel crappy all the time and I can't talk to you about it because you get defensive and this is not a healthy relationship. I need more, Luke! I'm tired of apologizing every time something isn't perfect. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time and I know this has been a crazy year for you, but you seem to have forgotten you had a fiance in all this who could help. You just kept pushing me away. That's why I went and talked to Anna. I wanted her to know that I'm not some serial killer or something and I told her that this thing between you and me isn't some casual thing. That I've loved you for a long time…."
"I know," Luke interjected.
"What do you mean, you know?" asked Lorelai.
Luke looked at Lorelai, "After you left my head was spinning. I wanted to go after you, but you really looked like you needed space or time or something and I'm realizing now that was probably not the right choice, but I remembered that you said something about talking to Anna so I called her this morning."
"You...called Anna? For what?"
"I asked her about you going to see her and she filled me in on your conversation and I got really mad. I was so angry that she would think that I would bring a woman into April's life that I'm not 100% sure about and I told her off. I told her that I want you to be a part of April's life because you're the most important part of mine and I finally made her understand. I'm sorry I let you walk away last night. But you were so hysterical and I couldn't even think about what you were saying because I was concerned about the way you were acting…"
"Luke…" Lorelai said, trying to hold back tears. "I…" she lost the fight, and the sobs returned. "I'm such an idiot!" she sobbed. "Why do I always push away the people who mean the most to me? You're the only man I've ever loved, Luke. When I came to you last night, I know I was crazy. But I meant everything I said. I needed you to not think last night, Luke. I needed you to just act. I needed you to remember the horoscope. I needed you to marry me, right then. I couldn't stand to live one more minute without being your wife. I can't be with you if I can't be your wife and you're not all in."
"Lorelai, I've been all in since the very beginning."
"But not lately, Luke. Not at all. I get that finding out you have a kid isn't something you process overnight, but you hid it from me! And then you shut me out of the whole situation. I understood...but I got sick of understanding! And then you brought her to meet Jess when she hadn't even officially met me. And Lane hangs out with her at the diner. I've felt like last on your list for months, Luke! I just wanted to feel included. I wanted to be a part of it. But you kept me at arm's length and I needed to know if you still loved me and wanted me and wanted to be with me, for better or for worse...and you said no. I need someone who can show me how he feels, Luke, don't you get that? So I walked away...from you and from us."
"Lorelai, please…" Luke began "Please don't do this. Please tell me I can fix this."
"Right now, I don't know if I can fix this…" Lorelai looked into Luke's eyes and saw the confusion.
"Here goes" she thought to herself.
"Last night, after I walked away from you...I didn't know what to do. The love of my life told me no and my head was not in a good place. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone. And I really couldn't be in this house...what's supposed to be our house. So...I went to Christopher's."
Luke drew in a swift breath and tried to remain calm.
"I cried, a lot. And I drank...a lot. And Chris listened to me and he was there for me. He was there for me like you should have been for the last 6 months, Luke!" Lorelai could tell Luke was waiting for the rest of the story. She had essentially ended the relationship last night when he said no and she walked away, but she knew that what she had to tell him would break his heart and she wasn't sure she could do that.
"Dammit, Luke! I love you so much! Why is this happening to us? Why does this keep happening to us?"
"Lorelai. What happened." Luke said hesitantly.
"That's just it, Luke. I don't really know. I had so much to drink. Chris said I threatened to hurt him if he cut me off. I just didn't want to feel so hurt anymore! I didn't want to feel anything! The last thing I remember we were drinking. Then the next thing I know, I'm waking up to Gigi running into the room and asking why I was in Chris's bed not wearing any clothes…" She could feel Luke seething, but she didn't dare look at his face.
"What. Happened?" Luke asked through gritted teeth.
Lorelai could feel her whole body shaking. "I...I had to ask him. I mean, there was evidence of….well...but I didn't remember anything. Chris said I practically begged him to make me feel loved and wanted. Apparently I...took my clothes off…? So I guess we had...but then I started crying and he said I called him Luke…"
She thought she heard Luke snort. Did he laugh? Or was it a scoff? She was too afraid to look.
"So, I apparently thought he was you? Or hoped he was you? Anyway, it doesn't excuse anything. He said he stopped when I said your name and that I passed out on the bed."
Lorelai continued to stare at her feet. She heard Luke taking labored breaths, as if he were in physical pain. She tried not to cry. She didn't deserve to have anyone feel anything for her. Tears wouldn't help anything at this point.
She slowly lifted her eyes to Luke's, hoping to find something she could cling to. He looked like he was about to boil over. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen Luke cry, but he looked like he might now. She started to open her mouth to speak, but couldn't think of anything that she could say that might fix the last 24 hours.
When Luke saw her open her mouth, he put his hand up to stop her. He was pursing his lips and she could see about a dozen emotions swirling in his eyes, but she wasn't sure if any of them were positive. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he grabbed her arms tightly and kissed her with such force that it was almost painful. She was so confused, but she kissed him back with everything she had, for fear it would be the last time she'd ever kiss him.
He released her and she saw a tear roll down his cheek as she stared at him. His eyes were full of sadness and hurt. He dropped his head, and left the house without a word, slamming the door hard behind him.