23A/N: Too long, I know. I suck at endings. Hopefully this will be enough to satisfy your Rebelcaptain hunger. It's a bit cheesy, but I think that's what we all need.
Enjoy.
Frozen Darkness | My Light Will Guide You Home
Beautiful will never be enough to properly describe Jyn. He understands so well how clichéd the notion is, but she has always been more than simply beautiful. She is strong as well. Stronger than him, than anyone he knows. She is a complex creature. Even as she sleeps, he imagines she dreams of protecting the galaxy from evil.
He is lucky to know her. Lucky to share her bed, to be the one to whom she spills her secrets. Of which, he has learned over the years, there are many. In return, he allows her access to the long-hidden secrets he has tried for all of his life to forget. He speaks to her of his training. Confesses that he has never felt more powerful and feared than when he is holding a gun. He tells her how frightened of himself he is at times.
And yet they still hold each other. Despite their sins, they will never let each other go. They have been through too much together to allow anything so trivial to separate them. Every day, Cassian is more and more thankful they managed to escape the Death Star's blast, even if his gratitude is always mixed in with grief and guilt over those who they did not manage to save. A guilt which will soon be magnified as they again celebrate their triumph over the Empire.
No, he must not let himself dwell on this issue. He spends too much of his time wishing things could have played out differently. He dreams at night of that white light capturing him. Death should have found him that day. If it had, he would not be forced to relive those terrifying moments on Scarif. He would no longer hear the petrified screams as the planet imploded and became dust.
Jyn despises it when he mentions these things. Truthfully, he does as well. These thoughts distract him too often. There are more important things to think about. More important things to do. He must remember that when he is not tortured by memories of Scarif, he is happy. Happier than he could have ever dreamed. Because of Jyn, he smiles regularly. He laughs. The old him, the person he was before he met the woman sleeping peacefully beside him, would never have found humour in the things he does now.
Life is better with Jyn. He can never forget this.
Cassian cannot help himself—he props his head upon his open palm, reaches out, and begins running the tips of his fingers down Jyn's unclothed back. Gooseflesh rises on her soft skin to meet his touch. Like the fool he is, he feels his lips pull at her body's instinctive reaction. The longer he spends with his hand against her spine, the more the muscles twitch as he passes them. Soon, her breath quickens. She is stirring.
Following several seconds of Cassian's teasing touch, Jyn rolls over on to her back. The nightlight, which has remained plugged into the bedroom wall for nearly a year now, throws shadows over her body. Again, he cannot help thinking how insufficient the word beautiful is as a description of this woman.
Jyn is smiling up at him sleepily, the way she does when she is lucky enough to rest without nightmares. Seeing her happy—blissful, almost—causes Cassian's heart to tremble.
"You were watching me sleep again," she says.
He has been caught. "Only for a little while."
Laughing, Jyn moves on to her side. Cassian lowers his head. Their faces are centimetres apart. He likes it best when they are this close.
"When do you have to leave for work?" she asks.
Cassian looks over at the clock on his bedside table, pressing a button so it lights up. "Just over an hour. What about you?"
"About the same," she says. Jyn eyes him curiously. "What woke you up?"
Cassian shakes his head, but Jyn's stare is too compelling. His mouth opens of its own volition. "I had a dream," he confesses, his heart racing for reasons that have nothing to do with Jyn. "We were on Scarif and we did not get away from the blast in time. We held each other on the beach as we waited for the light to take us."
Jyn's hand cups his cheek. She strokes his stubble with her thumb in soothing circles. Each year, when the celebration of their victory against the Empire approaches, his head fills with these sorts of things. Jyn knows this and she works hard to comfort him.
He does not deserve her goodness.
Cassian grabs her wrist and kisses her palm. "I'm all right," he insists, but they spend enough time together that he doubts he has convinced her.
She smiles again, warmer and kinder than before, and silently closes the minuscule gap between them. He sighs into the kiss. This is truly his home. Jyn's bare chest presses hard into his, and he is moments away from turning them over when the sirens begin. There is a moment—nothing more than a millisecond—of sheer panic. Their lips detach and they stare at each other, eyes wide with fear.
They have never heard the sirens before like this. The base tests them every few months, but they are able to fully comprehend what their blaring racket mean. Hoth is under attack.
Understanding that danger is afoot, Jyn and Cassian leap off of the bed, blindly searching for their clothes. In the midst of pulling his trousers over his legs, Cassian hears a distant rumbling and is hit squarely in the chest by a bolt of adrenaline. His mind clears and he goes instantly into soldier mode. They are warriors. This is what they have spent their lives training for.
They dress in no time, and soon they are fumbling in the dark towards the door. Outside, there is a combination of steady footfalls and running thumps. Whispers and shouting conversations. He grabs Jyn's hand and they set out, leaving behind the life they spent three years constructing.
Chaos surrounds them as they head towards their stations. Let it be said that the Rebels have been prepared for a breach. They each have a duty. He is to pilot a getaway ship, Jyn is to gather intelligence. It is hard to see where they are going, however. Hundreds of people, some of alien origin, crowd the small hallways, each in search of their own post. Some look terrified. Most look ready for whatever danger lies ahead.
Cassian travels through passageways as quickly as he can with Jyn trailing closely behind him. They reach an opening and spot Princess Leia throwing around orders to other Rebels. Her eyes catch them. When she is finished commanding a group of people, she speedily walks over.
"You know your assignments, I assume" she says, staring them both down.
Jyn nods. "Yes," she says firmly, wisps of her hair she was unable to tie into her bun flying about her head as Rebels scrambled around them in search of their stations. "Leia, what's happening?"
"We've been discovered by the Empire." There is a heaviness to her words, as if she cannot believe that this day has arrived.
Cassian knew of the breach, of course. Why else would the base be evacuating? But to hear it from the Princess makes it real. Scary. Cassian's grip on Jyn's hand tightens. Her eyes find his as Leia shouts something at a soldier going the wrong way. She looks caught between frightened and ready for battle. They have had almost three years' rest from the Empire, but they are fighters before anything else.
Leia turns back to them. "Cassian, you've got Rogue One," she says. Bodhi will not be pleased. Cassian has spent many hours becoming familiar with the ship since they landed on Hoth, though. He is almost better at piloting it than Bodhi. "And Jyn, you'll grab the data from your section before taking off with Cassian. You must work fast. Understood?"
The pair nod in tandem. Usually, Leia would have laughed at their synchronised moves, but there is no time for laughter now. The Princess gives them a stern nod before retreating, her mouth already open as she approaches somebody doing their job incorrectly.
Jyn turns to Cassian. She is wide-eyed. It reminds Cassian of the handful of photographs he has seen of her from when she was a child. In each of them, she looks as though she has a gun pointed at her head. It isn't a fearful look so much as a look of pain and confusion. It breaks Cassian's heart to see her like this.
He is about to say that they must split up—he is needed at Rogue One, Jyn is needed at her station—when there is a loud explosion. The floor rumbles and shakes, knocking him and Jyn down. Another bang rings out. Rubble and debris collapse around them, coating Cassian in a mountain of dust. The ceiling has started caving in.
Cassian lies on the floor, ears ringing, for much too long. He stares at the sky through the hole the blasts have made in the ceiling, wondering what weapons are being used to destroy them. He only feels he can move again when the blockage in his ears passes. Blinking to clear specks of soot from his eyes, he goes up on his elbows and surveys the damage. There are men and women and aliens slumped on the ground. Some are wounded, but most are doing their best to get back up.
"You are hurt."
The voice does not belong to Jyn. Cassian looks up, his head pounding to the beat of the sirens. K-2 has found him.
"I am not," Cassian says. He heaves himself up, looking around for any sign of Jyn.
"You are," K-2 maintains, reaching out for Cassian's right arm. The pilot snatches his arm away with a hiss. "See. I told you you were hurt."
But Cassian is not listening to K-2's gloating. Jyn is nowhere to be seen. He moves his body around in circles, his head swerving every which way. Perhaps she had been thrown by the explosions or is buried beneath scraps. Cassian drops to his knees and tosses sheets of metal and rock aside.
He finds nothing.
"What are you doing? Did you lose something?"
Cassian glares at K-2. "Yes!" he shouts. He gets to his feet and grabs the droid by his metal arms. "Jyn. Did you see her?"
"I did not."
"Are you lying to me?"
K-2 takes on an affronted look. "Why would I do that?"
"You know why."
"I assure you, I do not. In the past, I have displayed a distrust of Jyn Erso. Is this why you believe me to be lying?"
"Of course it's why!"
"You know as well as I that Jyn has grown on me in these last few years. I detest your suggestion that I would lie about her whereabouts."
Yes, Cassian knows K-2 and Jyn are not at each other's throats the way they once were, but K-2 is tricky. "But you swear you have not seen her?"
"I have not seen her."
Cassian brushes bits of the Hoth base from his clothes. "Them I must find her," he says. He takes one step in the direction of their room, but a tight squeeze on his shoulder stops him from moving any further. "K-2, release me immediately."
"I'm afraid I can't do that. You have a duty to the Rebellion. You must go to Rogue One."
"No." Cassian shakes his head, dust flying from his hair. "No, I must find Jyn. Let go of me, K-2."
K-2's grip does not lessen. "You are a soldier above anything else. The Rebellion needs you."
"What if Jyn needs me?" he challenges.
"Jyn is brave and perfectly capable of protecting herself."
"Give me the probability she is injured."
"I do not think that would be a good"—
—"Now, K," Cassian interrupts.
K-2 pauses for a brief moment. There are screams of agony echoing around the base. They are bringing back painful memories of Scarif, but Cassian shoos them away. He is focused on getting Jyn. He can fall into his dark memories later.
"There is a 99.2 percent chance Jyn is hurt. If she was beside you when the building collapsed"—
Cassian has heard all he needs to. Using all of his remaining strength, he manages to break free of K-2's clutches.
"Where are you going?" K-2 calls.
"To find Jyn."
Thumping footsteps reach him in no time. K-2 once again caps his shoulder, harder than before. "No. She has a duty, as do you. Rogue One is where you need to be. This base is moments away from being destroyed. There are people who need you to get them to safety."
Cassian has never been so sure that K-2 has a soul buried somewhere beneath his chest plate. The droid is right. He is a fighter for the Rebellion before anything else, and he cannot pick and choose when he wishes to be at its service.
He must have faith that Jyn is okay. Without that, he will go mad.
"Okay," he says heavily. "Let's find Rogue One."
K-2 releases him and they set off in search of the ship. Once it is located, Cassian climbs aboard and takes his place in the cockpit, K-2 by his side. He sends a message through the intercom to the passengers, assuring them he will get them all to safety, and flips some switches to get the ship ready for takeoff.
He will not think of Jyn. If he allows his mind to slip to thoughts of her (where she might be, if she is wounded or, Heaven forbid, dead), he will be unable to complete this task. And this is an important task, one he has trained for. He checks the time. He has only two minutes before it is his turn to leave the base.
The two minutes are gone in a flash. He is being told he must vacate.
"They're getting very angry," K-2 proclaims.
"I know. Go, check if Jyn has boarded the ship," he orders. He ignores the voice in his ear ordering him to leave.
K-2 exits the cockpit. He is back within fifteen seconds. "She is not here."
Cassian's body deflates. He clenches his eyes and balls his hands into fists. This cannot be happening. They had this planned down to the smallest, most insignificant detail. He never thought they would be separated, though. That was never an option.
He cannot leave without her. He cannot.
Rogue One has begun to feel incredibly small. It is like the walls of the ship are shrinking. Black spots impede his line of sight as sweat spills from his pores. This is true panic unlike he has ever experienced.
"Rogue One, you are to leave the base at once or else we will send someone to take your place."
"No need for that. We are just having some technical difficulties." K-2 responds to the order airily. He flicks Cassian's shoulder and says sternly, "We must get out of here."
"Jyn," is all he can say. God, he feels so weak.
"Your duty, Captain. Jyn would not be pleased to know you were stalling."
K-2 has it wrong. He isn't stalling. He is trying to fight this crippling, all-consuming terror that Jyn is lying facedown in a pool of blood.
"Alright, we're sending someone on board."
"Oh, no you won't." K-2 grabs Cassian by the collar and moves his metal hand over Cassian's face. "Wake up. Snap out of it. Get us out of here before we're all killed!"
Surprisingly, K-2's attack clears his head. His instincts take over and he follows the path out of the hanger, shooting off into the sky. Out in the open, he is confronted immediately by the battle. The sun reflects off of the snowy Hoth ground, making it difficult to see. AT-ATs creep closer to the base. Their large legs knock Rebel ships out of the air. P-Towers fire at the large monsters to no avail. Cassian spots several T-47s surrounding the Walkers. One crumples into the snow, taking a T-47 with it.
Cassian flies Rogue One—who is a large, hardly inconspicuous cargo shuttle—around the Walkers, avoiding shots left and right. He weaves with precision, his blood supply spiked once again with a barrel of adrenaline. It seems as though it takes forever, but eventually Rogue One is in the clear.
"You are one-hundred percent sure she isn't there, Bodhi?"
"I've asked for every inch of the ship to be searched. Sorry, Cassian, but she isn't here."
Cassian bangs the radio against his head.
"You've tried all of the other ships?"
Pressing the call button, Cassian presses his lips to the radio. "I have. All of the ships that have responded have said the same thing. Nobody has seen her."
"Maybe the ship she's on has lost its communication. There's no reason to think she didn't make it out. Wait until we get to Haven."
"That is what I said," K-2 butts in.
Cassian throws him a death glare. "All right. I will see you there, Bodhi. Be safe."
"She's fine, Cassian," Bodhi says.
Cassian does not respond. He throws the radio to the floor and runs his hands through his hair. Bodhi cannot know she is fine. None of them know if she's even alive. K-2 keeps insisting she is not in danger, but Cassian heard the droid muttering the likelihood she was dead during his call with Bodhi. The number is too high.
Maybe she isn't dead. Maybe she has been captured by the Empire. He spotted Snowtroopers infiltrating the base. One of them could have recognised her and taken her as a prisoner. Krennic may be dead, but the Erso name still lives on in infamy. They would surely punish her for the crimes of her father.
He is spiralling. He has been spiralling since they left Hoth. This is why he was told to never form bonds. During his training, it was drilled into his young mind that relationships were futile. Energy spent maintaining relationships could be used to help fight the Empire. If you weren't concerned for anybody else, you could perform your job with nothing holding you back.
His teachers would be so disappointed.
But he could not have put an end to his feelings for Jyn even if he had wanted to. They were there from the second he laid eyes on her all of those long years ago. Even after she did her best to run from him, the roots had already sprung up from his toes. They spent the next weeks spreading upwards until they coiled steadfastly around his brain.
They were not going anywhere. No weapon, Rebel or Imperial or otherwise, could destroy them.
"We are almost at Haven," K-2 announces.
Cassian is pulled from his trance by the droid's mechanical voice. He swipes at his face, feeling a wetness coating his fingertips. "Okay," he says gruffly. "Let the others know. Tell them to gather their things."
K-2 does as he is told. Clearly, he senses Cassian's melancholy shift. Cassian flies Rogue One through the stars, remembering the way it felt—like his body was coming alive after lying dormant for so long—when Jyn entered his life.
The Millennium Falcon has gone missing. When they reach Haven, exiting out of hyperspace, and climb aboard Redemption, everybody is panicking. Princess Leia, Han Solo, and Chewbacca have not been in contact for some time. People are fearing the worst.
Cassian could not care less about the missing Falcon. He flees from the mass of Rebels discussing the Falcon's disappearance and searches for Jyn. There are wounded soldiers everywhere on the ship caked in blood and grime. It is difficult for him to figure out who they are, but he can tell none of them are Jyn.
Bodhi catches up to him midway through his hunt. "Cassian, I've found her."
A light sparks inside of Cassian. He did not realise how empty he had been feeling. He follows behind Bodhi, speedily moving through the ship, his heart thumping wildly against his ribs. Lightyears pass as he waits for Bodhi to stop moving. They pass by more injured Rebels before the darker-skinned pilot comes to a halt.
Surrounding them are a group of soldiers resting on medical beds. Cassian does not need to be told which is Jyn. He sees her immediately, lying on one of the stretchers with her arm in a sling. Relief foods him. He inhales a sharp, stuttered breath and falls to his knees. Her eyes are closed. Cassian spots cuts and bruises across her face. With a trembling hand, he extends his arm and cradles her cheek. It is warm—alive—in his palm.
He expects he is crying, but he doesn't care. Jyn is alive. There is breath in her lungs and a future for them both. Nothing else matters.
"You're watching me sleep."
Hearing her voice—oh, he would know it anywhere—Cassian blinks away the tears clouding his vision. Jyn's eyes are still closed, but she is smiling up at him knowingly. He takes her hand and squeezes softly.
Cassian laughs. There is nothing else to do. "I am," he admits, "I am."
Jyn's eyes slide open. She heaves herself up and stares at the broken pilot. Suddenly, using her good arm, she pulls Cassian to her. She hugs him fiercely and he responds in kind by holding her against him. He plants kisses over her hair and her face, avoiding the numerous cuts marring her flesh as best as he can.
When he reaches her lips, he does not hesitate to envelope them.
"Where did you go?" he asks, pulling away.
Jyn goes for his lips again, successfully distracting him. "Can't we discuss this later?" she says between kisses.
Cassian is more than ready to agree, but then he remembers how terrified he has been since leaving Hoth. "No. I need to know."
Sighing, Jyn rests her forehead against his. Their noses brush. It tickles. "When we got knocked down by the explosions, I remembered I'd forgotten something back in the room."
Cassian lifts his head. "You went back? Jyn, do you know how dangerous"—
—"Of course I knew how dangerous it was. Danger was not going to stop me. I'm fast, Cassian. I'm clever. I knew what I was doing."
"Sorry," he apologises quickly, bowing his head. "But what was so important?"
Jyn unwinds her arm from around his neck and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out the nightlight he had made her for her birthday the previous year. It is in perfect condition. "This," she says. "My sun."
Cassian buries his head in Jyn's neck. "I was so worried about you. I had no idea where you were."
"I know. The ship I ended up on had busted communicators."
Bodhi was right, then. "I'm just glad you are safe," he says.
Jyn's mouth is against his ear. Her hot breaths bathe his skin and he relaxes for the first time since they first heard the sirens on Hoth. "I'm glad you are, too."
Kissing her shoulder and then her neck, he whispers, "I love you, Jyn."
He can hear Jyn's smile as she responds, "I love you, too."
A/N 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who read this and supported this and commented. I know it took far too long for this final chapter to come about, but like I said in the firs note, I really do suck at endings.
Until next time,
Bethany