4I don't own OUAT.
It was probably a horrible thing to think, likely even treason, but Regina didn't think the king was all that kind. She had heard stories – from servants, when they didn't notice she was listening to them but also from visiting nobility- of the goodness and kindness of king Leopold. She had heard stories of him helping strangers, of treating his household almost like family, of him being such a wonderful husband to queen Eva…
She did not feel like the man from those stories was sitting next to her.
This man looked at her in a way that made her want to shower for three hours, kept touching her in little ways until she had to grit her teeth not to move her chair or anything and the constant smiling was honestly … just suspicious ( and a part of Regina kept pointing out that his eyes didn't match that friendly smile)
The only thing she could effortlessly believe, was that he loved his daughter. He constantly complimented Snow – the flowers in your hair make you even prettier- , listened intensely to whatever she was babbling about and was so focused on her that Regina felt quite uncomfortable (She was used to Cora's love that felt navigating a forest with traps and her father's love that always felt like he was holding back).
Her mother, seated next to her, prodded her whenever the king said something (she could hear her hiss instructions sometimes , like 'smile more dear, men like that') . She attempted to smile whenever the king looked her way, to listen carefully to Snow's constant talking, to pretend like she was enjoying her food… but her thoughts kept returning to Mal and eating had never been more difficult, her stomach resisting every bite.
She looked at Snow, trying to force her attention back to this dinner, but all she could see was Mal's pained and disbelieving eyes. It didn't matter how many times she reminded herself that the man next to her was the King, that she had been prepared her entire life for a moment like this, that her mother would be furiously disappointed if she did not manage to present herself well to the monarch and his daughter.
She just couldn't keep wondering about Mal, is she hurt is she safe is the enchantment temporary is she able to hunt so she can eat- and wanted nothing more than to run outside and search for her. Her eyes kept glancing outside, both fearing (oh no Mal, it is not safe) and hoping desperately to see a large, flying form.
The sudden pain finally managed to transport her mind back to this moment: her mother hissed " focus" now that she had gotten Regina's attention, flitted her eyes towards the king pointedly before the pain slowly lifted. " You know I don't like you usin- " Regina started to softly say, but the pain just got worse again so that she almost flinched in a way that would annoy and anger mother, surely.
The king glanced her way, which made her automatically force a smile. The pain vanished slowly at the moment that the king's eyes glided over her body for a moment before meeting her eyes again. Why is he looking at me like that?
She felt unpleasant shivers at the gleam in his eyes, but hid her real emotions under a small smile. He didn't seem to notice, or perhaps he didn't care: he gave her a smile back and even leaned forward as he asked "Is the food to your liking? ".
The food is- or would be- but I am not sure the company is. She scolded herself for the mean thought, but she couldn't help it. It was the truth after all ( a truth that might cost her her head) " It is wonderful, your majesty". She didn't even know how she managed to keep the emotional turmoil out of her voice. Shouldn't it be breaking or sounding like she choking?
The king briefly lay his hand on hers, don't pull away, mother will be so disappointed , then fortunately turned his attention back to Snow. "And are you enjoying yourself, my dearest?".
The girl practically vibrated with happiness. " Oh yes! I am ever so glad to have met Regina".
The king glanced at Regina. " So am I ".
"I am almost glad that my horse was so spooked".
"I wouldn't go that far, my dear Snow, what if you had gotten hurt?".
" I didn't! Because Regina was there" Snow gave Regina the most adoring, awed look. She shifted in her chair, not used to such emotions leveled at her and not sure she wanted it from this girl. It wasn't that she disliked the princess or even found her annoying, it might have had more to do with the princess' father (and the far too eager, hungry look in her mother's eyes)
Which she felt horrible about- he was the king and supposedly a wonderful man- but she couldn't help herself whenever he glanced at her or made comments that made part her want to run away.
He glanced at her like that again and she quickly looked away at him to smile at Snow. " I am very glad I was there, your highness".
Snow almost flushed with pleasure. " It is lovely to hear that".
For what must have been the fifth time – though Regina couldn't be sure, because her mind had been so preoccupied with Mal that she had only really listen to approximately one fifth of the conversation- Snow described how she had been 'so very afraid, I thought I would faint father!' when her own 'hero' suddenly was there.
" Regina is a talented rider, father, you should've seen her on – ".
She turned to Regina. " What is your horse's name?".
" Oh. His name is Rocante, your highness".
" .. Rocante. I wished I could ride like that!".
The king smiled. " Regina is a little older than you, I believe. I have all the faith in the world that you will be a very talented rider at that age".
"Oh I dearly hope so" Snow gasped. Then she turned that bright smile on Regina. " How long have you been able to ride like that? Was it difficult? Did it take many years?".
Regina blinked. She had been staring at her plate, trying to figure out whether there was a way to help Mal. There was that pain again and she glanced at her mother, trying to communicate ' Don't, for once '. The pain only got sharper. She realized quickly it is because she hadn't answered yet ( and gods is it tempting to keep silent, to rebel in one of the only ways she might have the courage for) " I have enjoyed riding from the moment I first was on top of a horse. I am not certain when I got good, however".
She smiled at an enraptured Snow. " But riding is not about being good. It is about – " she hesitated, thinking about the first time she got on a horse, the feeling of freedom and control, the thought of I could go anywhere. I could make my choices , the laugh she couldn't keep inside as the horse started moving. " it is about happiness. It is about the bond you build, the one that grows whenever you brush your horse or feed him or – " have another reason to hide away from your mother and the horse is the only one you can talk to " just talk" .
Next to her, she could practically feel her mother stiffen and starting to laugh derisively. "Regina, it is just an animal. And just a sport. Honestly, dear I don't know where you get these … ideas".
" Oh I think she is right" Snow nodded and it is the first time since she was forced to sit down in clothing hand-picked by her mother that Regina could smile genuinely. " I mean- I still would like very much to be good at riding, but I am not sure riding is even my favourite part".
Regina felt a small spark of interest. " What is your favourite part, Sn- your highness? ".
Snow chewed her lip. " I do not know". There was a brief silence as she seemed to think, then her eyes sparkled. " I think I liked it best when I was allowed to brush my horse and it kept blowing air at my hair playfully, that made me laugh"
She blushed. " Is that awfully silly of me?".
Regina smiled genuinely like it isn't an impossible ordeal. "Not at all. I think that is an excellent choice, your highness".
Snow grinned proudly. Before Regina could go back to her scattered thoughts, Snow demanded her attention again. " Oh! Please tell me what your favourite part is? ".
Regina suddenly had a vivid flashback to her first meeting with Mal. Not really her first meeting- Mal had always been in the background, doing chores and so far removed from her because of the emphasis her mother put on social standing- but the first time she had really noticed Mal. She had been upset, perhaps even frightened and had run to the stables without even thinking. Her arms had been around Rocante's neck, his fur catching the tears as she sought comfort. She could almost smell the straw again now, or feel Rocante's fur against her cheek. And then Mal had suddenly been there, one of Rocante's blankets in her hands, pushing it into Regina's hands. Mal had always been.. well, most would call it difficult. She had been then, but she had also been what Regina had needed. She had been drawn to the slightly prickly girl that always seemed to be vaguely amused or just plain indifferent ( she had only later noted that was all an act) since that first meeting.
It is all the moments in the stables, the moments where she had been riding Rocante with Mal pressed against her back, Mal's hand on top of her to 'help her brush Rocante', riding towards their special spot with the stars above their heads.. that she thought off at Snow's innocent question.
But I can never speak off that.. Mal would really have earned mother's loathing if she knew just how much has been shared between us.
She tried to laugh. It came out stilted, the pain immediately returning as a warning , she could practically hear mother's voice smile, dear, or they will think something is wrong. You cannot be anything but happy around royalty. She forced a smile, genuine enough that the pain vanished again. "" My favourite part.. I am not sure I have any, your highness".
"What were you thinking about just then?" Snow inquired, probably not with the intention to make every part of Regina be seized by panic but that is nonetheless what happened.
She didn't know what to say in reply to Snow's 'Regina? ' . She felt like her mind wasn't working properly, because she honestly could not remember anything that didn't have Mal in it too. All the moments were horses and riding had been her escape, Mal had been her happiness.
Snow's voice was suddenly concerned. "Regina? You look dreadfully pale, are you all right?".
The pain like needles presses into her neck and a fireball being thrown at her stomach finally made her find an answer. "The first time I rode. I was thinking off the first time I rode, your highness ".
The worried expressed was already fading. " Oh , tell me about it, tell me about it, please ".
" Oh eh-" she glanced at mother. " Well, I must have been six years old or so and my papa had prepared a ride as a surprise" she smiled. " I was a little frightened at first – the horse seemed so large- but as soon as I was actually on top of it, I just loved it. Daddy always jokes that he would never have put me on a horse if he had known it was so difficult to get me off it".
" I started riding when daddy gave me a horse for my birthday " Snow sighed dreamily. "It was such a beautiful, happy day".
Regina quickly took a bite from her plate, certain that she couldn't fake another smile. The princess did not seem to notice anything odd, just babbling on and on, content whenever Regina said things like " How did that happen , your highness" or " How fascinating, your highness". She was only offered spare moments of respite, whenever the king engaged his daughter in conversation.
After hours of dining and more hours of sitting in one of the castle's chambers – on Snow's insistence- the king finally decided it was getting too late for Snow. Cora almost grinned as Leopold declared that 'you must visit again, it would make my dear Snow so very happy" but Regina was too exhausted( as well as a million other things) to care. She just wanted to be somewhere else.
No-
She just wanted a life that was her own, not one that was shaped by people who thought they owned her, not one where people like kings could decide for her, just one where she could be her own person that choose what they did with their life.
It was the most impossible desire.
The king wants her. It is all Cora talks about in the chariot. When Regina hesitantly says "is he not supposed to be a honourable man? He would not look at me that way, especially not after losing his true love" Cora just laughs. She tuts " You truly are naïve. Just as well, men like Leopold like that in their women". The expression in her eyes make Regina press back, which she only notes she is doing when the handle of the chariot digs into her back. " As for queen Eva". why do you speak her name like that? If she didn't know better, she might be tempted to ask Cora why she is smiling, especially smiling like that. " she was nothing more than a harlot. A harlot with brains- that I have to admit- but definitely not his 'true love'. Leopold is no fool girl, he would not pick love , he would pick a wife that will obey him and someone who is attractive and willing to bear his children".
Regina suddenly feels what little she has eaten coming up her throat. " He already has a child".
" Yes, that is why he speaks highly of queen Eva now. Just imagine what he might have said had she not given him a child". That smile widens, the look in Cora's eyes making Regina glance nervously outside the window- are they home yet?- before the smile fades as Cora looks at her. " Your age speaks in your favour Regina".
"Speaks in my- mother, " Regina doesn't even know what she was going to say, whether she would've spoken any of the thoughts in her mind at the nightmare of having to say 'yes I do' to Leopold
" A man like Leopold wants heirs. Needs them. Not only is it a matter of pride, but what if princess Snow were to die? Or any of the other million things that could go wrong in this world".
" Mother you cannot possibly mean that the king – " Regina half-stutters, earning her a pointed glare from Cora. She cannot even bring herself to apologize, pressing her cold hands to heated cheeks as just sits there, frozen with- so many things- at what Cora is suggesting.
" If we play this right, if I convince him that you will be a wonderful mother to that brat as well as the other children that will surely follow" mother seems to have forgotten Regina is still there and Regina doesn't make the mistake of alerting Cora to her presence. Not after the last time
Regina presses her hand to her chest, where there is an indescribable feeling of pain – she glances at Cora, but her hand isn't gripping her daughter's heart – and her lungs, which feel like the oxygen has been sucked out of them- she glances at her mother, but she is still lost in thought- or her
" Regina? " mother finally has noticed something is wrong.
She sighs, awkwardly pats Regina's hand. "What is it this time? Is the excitement of finally getting what you've always wanted getting to you, dear?"
Somehow that makes Regina able to speak. " It is not what I've always wanted, it is what you always wanted"
"Regina, don't be fool-".
" I wanted Mal. I wanted often crude jokes and soothing hurt that she doesn't want to show and being distracted because she seems incapable of not touching me and – "
" Regina" she knows she should stop, that she is endangering herself- worse, far worse, is endangering Maleficent- but she can't stop herself.
" I wanted to get completely furious because she – she can really make me crazy sometimes, I wanted a life that might have had less luxury and titles, but that would have meant seeing my true love each day- "
She grabs her mother's hand, squeezes it. " Please m-mother, please I do not want to marry the king" she smiles, feels the tears on her cheeks. " I just want Maleficent. She w-would make me so happy".
" I had no idea you felt this strongly about the girl , Regina" her mother's voice is gentler than she can remember being, her eyes -are those tears?- and there is this smile that just makes Regina feel such hope. Her mother shifts closer, wiping away Regina's tears, then slowly embraces her.
Regina sags, thinking thank you thank you thank you , already thinking of how Mal and her will celebrate. Perhaps they can meet in the stables, take Rocante for a ride, share-
She gasps, makes a choking noise. Cold, it is so very cold. " M-mommy?".
Cora pulls back, all that fake gentleness and acceptance gone. Her smile is as cold as ever as she looks at Regina and sighs. "If you really are as weak and foolish as to choose true love, then I will just have to be strong for you".
She raises the heart to her lips. Regina stares numbly as her mother says " As soon as this chariot stop, you will go to your chamber, you will not leave ".
It is like blacking out. Regina tries to fight it, but when she tells her hand to just do something , her muscles don't obey. She feels oddly detached from this moment, almost like it something that isn't actually happening to her, like it is just gossip she is hearing from someone.
As the doors of the chariot open, Regina is just conscious enough to register that it is empathy mixed with horror that flashes through the horseman's eyes (she is always kind to him, talks enough to him that she was able to give him something small on his birthday). He helps her out of the carriage and is even brave enough to ask whether she is okay.
She cannot answer. She is- she is supposed to do something else. "I am going to my chamber" she says, allowing her mother to pull away from the horseman's gentle grip on her arm.
She still feels that odd detachment, the only thing that matters is going to her chamber. There are voices she cannot focus on, things moving that she cannot recognize, something warm she can barely feel falling on her face..
Only when she has reached her chamber does the world come back to her a bit. She goes to her mirror first, when she finally feels the warmth that was actually more like burning. In the mirror, she sees it is - "Ash?" her voice sounds rough. At seeing that, knowing what it likely means, she feels more like herself.
For a moment, everything is normal. The sounds unmute, she can clearly make out everything in her room and she can imagine running towards Mal, running with her-
Then she turns around and doesn't see the door. She knows it is there, is absolutely certain it hasn't been removed. But she can't see it. And whenever she thinks of leaving- her mind just shuts off or replaces the thoughts with other things.
Mother. How much control does she have over me?
She tests that control. She discovers the following things: everything remains slightly muted, she can feel it when Cora does something with/to her heart and whatever she tries, leaving is impossible.
She sinks on her bed, not wanting nor caring about changing clothes, her eyes burning , her entire body just sort of crumbling. She clutches the covers, wishing Mal had ever been her so that she could at least have her scent to soothe her. The ash -she is so sure it is Maleficent' s doing, somehow- is a pale substitute. Still, at least she does not feel completely abandoned and alone thanks to it
As she falls into a restless sleep, the window shows a growing shape, getting more gargantuan as it gets closer. Clouds before the moon offer it protection, hiding everything apart the general shape and size of the beast. Someone could only barely make out wings that are folded around the creature's body as it presses against the stone of the estate, claws holding on to bricks.
The clouds move for a moment , showing the grey eyes watching the slumbering girl with what only can be love.
The mirror next to the window shows a woman with her hand wrapped around a heart.
Uh I am really bad with colours, I looked at pictures of Mal and decided they are grey. Do you guys agree?