Binas: This story was deleted a long time ago for some reason, so I decided to bring it back, all condensed into one chapter. I may or may not update it, so it will be safe to say this story is technically completed.
Dear Fanfiction Authors (AKA Ghost Writer Wannabes),
Wow, this is awkward... The fact you know my entire life kinda makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. And what you guys do with what you know is even more so with a bit of "eeeww" and disturbing. But let's get into as Tucker would say "the meat of things".
What the heck is with all of the torture stories? Why is it that in at least eighty stories (okay maybe more, I don't know, I stink at math) I get captured and my parents go joy riding on the fact they can finally use that Fenton Scalpel on me and see what horrible things they can do to me (or give me to the Idiots in White on a silver platter)? That's just scary! My parents love me, both halves! And it took them learning my secret twice (not counting the third time) just to get it to stick! No need to rub in the fear of them never accepting me in my face (or using it as an excuse to make me turn over to the dark side, a place I don't want to ever poke with a fifty foot pole again).
Next is those romance and slash stories. No amount of therapy will fix the damage that those stories made... Th-they are just sick! I nearly barfed when I saw the amount that had me falling in love (or getting raped to the point where I like it; double eewww) with Dash (which is just wrong), Vlad (seriously, you guys are crazy), MY PARENTS (triple eewww), and myself (what the actual heck). First of all, I'm straight, doesn't me getting together with Sam proof enough of that? Or how about the times were I wanted to have Paulina as my girlfriend. Oh I have good one, the time I dated Valerie and even considered telling her about my ghost half!
I would never date Dash, he practically (well used to since I revealed that I was Danny Phantom) hates my guts! I wouldn't even call swirly day a date.
As for Vlad, I said it once and I will say it again: He. Is. A. Fruit-loop! Emphasis on "loop". He has cloned me, tried to kill my dad, made my life a living nightmare a few times, set loose the ghost king, made some sort of pact with the Fright Knight, tried to seduce my mom, do I need to go on? If you think me being with Vlad is cute and romantic, you guys have found a spot on the list of fruitloops. I feel sick right now...
I am not going to explain how me and my parents being together in a romantic way is wrong. Just no...
Then there's the even more popular one, me and my ghost half or my evil future self. [Face turns a sick green.] That's disturbing and wrong on SOOO many levels! Forget therapy! Even if I went to Desiree to get those sick images out of my head, they will never leave!
As for the harem stories, what the actual heck? Just because me and my friends joked about it doesn't mean I want it to happen! The harem is Tucker's dream anyways! He's the one who had the clones of Star in his dream, not me!
And what is with all the stories that involve mating habits and other disgusting stuff? Last time I checked, and I wish I didn't, ghosts are like humans when it comes to those things (and the fact we eat, sleep, shower, have DNA, etc.)... Ghosts don't magically grow fangs to mark mates or have weird heat seasons (okay maybe the ghosts that are actual animals not humanoid with human intelligence, I don't know, I'm a C-student). [Head desks.]
Just ugh... I think I need to go find some TUMs and a bucket... I'm done... Just no... No more... Please! I beg you! If anyone needs me, I am going to go curl up in a ball in that corner over there and try to cope with the fact I just got mentally scarred and mortified for the rest of my messed up life.
Danny Fenton/Danny Phantom
P.S.: And whose bright idea was it to write the story that had my parents and Vlad part of a three some with each other as one outcome of me messing with the timeline?! And the stories that involve me dating Dani! You guys seriously need therapy and a new hobby!
Dark Dan's Letter
Dear Fanfiction Authors (AKA The Top of My Hit List),
Do I look like a fluffy kitten to you? I. AM. NOT. A. CAT! First of all, if I were a freakin' cat, then how did I destroy an entire world in ten years? You pathetic humans are so disgusting with the ideas you think up! I nearly destroyed this computer when I saw all of the kitten stories! Thank you for adding that to the plus side of being all ghost and no humanity! But that's not the worst of it! You also think it's so funny to turn me into a four year old AND give me my humanity back! At least the latter got somewhat deleted due to how crappy it is! Good riddance to that piece of crap!
And what's this? Me turning good just for falling in love! GAG! In your dreams! There is only one thing I love more than destruction is more destruction and killing. Speaking of which, I know exactly how to end your miserable lives... Just let me get out of this thermos first... [Thermos bounces around a bit.] Stupid younger me...! For trapping me in this infernal thing...! [Kicks the thermos off the table.] At least the dent's bigger now... I will get out of here! I am inevitable! I guess I should continue ranting for the time being, but I know this won't really matter when I am free.
Another me turning good story? How useless! At least it isn't another love story and it tries to keep most of my evil image for the moment (I even got to kill a few pathetic guys!). But why in the name of Clockwork would I want anything to do with superheroes? I gave that part of me long ago with my humanity! Do you people even know the definition of what supervillain means?
Until I Escape and Murder You in Your Sleep,
Dark Dan AKA Dan Phantom, Dark Danny, The Ultimate Enemy, Dan Plasmius, etc.
PS: I am going to kill you all ten time over for making me fall in love with my younger self! That is just gross, wrong, and not what I meant by making his life a living nightmare! Same goes for you making me fall in love with the Cheese Head!
Dear Fanfiction Writers (AKA Those Who Are Worse Than Jack),
What in the name of butter biscuits have I just gotten myself into? I first find out that Daniel somehow hacked into my computer and now I am thoroughly disgusted by what he left up! While I must admit, I am pleased by the number of stories where Jack is dead and Daniel and Madeline join me willingly, but could you please stop having me losing them in the end? Is that too much to ask for?
And what is with all of the stories that are centered around annoying me? I do not wear dresses. I do not have a cat named Fruitloop (her name is Maddie)! I DO NOT have a pink cape nor a pink mansion! AND I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT EAT FROOTLOOPS FOR BREAKFAST! So stop it, is being old not enough for you little self proclaimed writers!?
As for Jack, I hate him! He ruined my social life, stole Maddie from me, backwashed me, must I go on?! What part of hate do you not understand?! Hate is not the same as affection! Killing is not the same as wanting to have sex! So why do you have so many stories where I fall in love with that fat, bouncing, idiot?! And Daniel calls me a fruitloop...
Speaking of Daniel, what is with you and putting us in this ridiculous pairing called... What was it...? Peppy Poms? Whatever the name is, I love Daniel as a SON, or did until he destroyed my prefect clone, NOT AS A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST! AGAIN, I LOVE MADELINE!
You pathetic writers better run, I am giving you a five minute start...
Dear Fanfiction Authors (AKA The Weirdest Shippers EVER),
Hello, I'm Tucker Foley. That's TF as in "Too Fine". And I must say, you guys are weird. Why is it that you guys keep forgetting that I am the one who wants a harem of girls to be with me? Am I not worthy of them? C'mon! I got the charms, the charisma, and the best lips that all the girls dig in a guy! So hit me with those hot, smokin' babes already! Beam me their phone numbers, give me their ring tones, heck even give me at least a hot girl already! I know you guys have that kind of power! So, pretty pretty pretty please with PDAs and laptops on top!
But other than the girls that do get (who for some unknown reason keep dumping me), why am I dating Danny in some stories. Guys, I assure you we are like brothers more than anything. Twins maybe. Sure yeah, we don't share ghost powers or Sam as a girlfriend (Please don't do that, I want to keep my manhood, I haven't even got to use it yet), but we do share lots of other things like colds and interests in video games.
I know Sam brought this up in her letter, but why am I betraying Danny in some of your stories. Man, that is so not cool! I rather eat veggies again than split with my best friend since forever! Okay, on second thought, I'd rather starve for a day. Not going to touch vegetables again! You hear me? Never again! They are the bane of my cast iron stomach.
Well that's all for now you weirdos. And this is coming from the weird kid!
With many hugs and kisses,
Tucker Foley, AKA Fryer Tucker, Tukerino, Romeo, and TF
PS: I still want my harem! I even have a suggestion! [Tucker/Star/Paulina/Jazz (if Danny doesn't kill me first)/Dani (Same thing, sure Danny would kill me)/Kitty/Valerie/Ember] C'mon guys! Make it happen! GIVE ME MY HAREM OF GIRLS! :D
Danny's Second Letter
Dear Disturbing Fanfiction Writers,
I can't believe I am talking about this... You guys remember my first letter? Well, I found something even more disturbing than those Pitch Pearls, Lambic Prose (How the heck did I even miss this one?), what ever the name is for the ones with Dash and I, and Pompous Peps (I still find those very, very wrong and gross). What is that? MPreg.
At first, I was not even sure what that meant, so I decided to look it up. I wish I never did... It. Is. Very. GROSS! What's worse is you either: A) Have one of us (usually ME!) take this strange medicine that magically gives us girl parts or something like that, or B) Use that Omegaverse thing!
First of all, do you guys know how stupid the concept sounds? Okay, I get it! Seahorses are like that, but do I look like a seahorse? Honestly, even me, a C-student, knows that it is impossible for a guy to get pregnant.
You know what? Why do I even have to explain this?! I'm just a kid! A mental scarred one that is! I feel very sorry for those other characters you like to put through this kind of mess. Even if they are more evil than my alternate future self! That says a lot, ya know! Can I please go back to saying good bye to my innocence and ignorance?
Still Finding You All Mentally Sick,
Danny Fenton/Danny Phantom
PS: Why haven't you guys seen a therapist yet? You guys are just as bad as Vlad when it comes to putting off therapy!
Okay, you dweebs are the most pathetic things I have ever seen. And I pick on band geeks and nerds! Just because Fentoe -I mean Danny- reveals himself to us won't mean I will magically stop bullying others. I don't care, I just don't wail on him because he is my hero. That also means I won't fall in love with Fentu -uh, Danny. I will love engraving this into your bruises: being gay is not tolerated in the A-List club. I can't be the leader if I am, now can I? I do try to stuff Fen -Danny's- locker with A-Lister packets and sports invites, but he always keeps throwing them away. I wonder why. He did enjoy his trial period (only calling it that because he was dating Paulina at the time), so why hate it all of the sudden?
But anyways, I promise you, you all will have the same number of bruises as there are those stories where you ship me with that ge -I mean hero if we ever meet in person.
So au revoir, losers!
PS: I am serious about giving you all bruises.