Chapter One: I'm a What?


Ranma Saotome had never slept so well in his entire life.

Yawning, he stretched as he rose from his bed. Ignoring a pulsing ache in his forehead, he looked at the unadorned ceiling above him. "Oh man, what a weird nightmare. For a second there, I thought the old man had turned into a panda." He sat up and stared at the five people sitting at his feet. Unsure of what to do, his brow crinkled as he blinked repeatedly. "I'm sorry, but where am I?"

"Ranma dear, you're at the Tendo residence. How did you sleep?" the girl nearest to him asked. She had long brown hair and wore a simple yellow dress, and smiled kindly at him as a short haired girl next to her stifled a giggle.

"Fine, I think?" Ranma shut his eyes and shook his head wildly, only to stop as dizziness and nausea overwhelmed him and made him double over. Regaining his composure, he uncomfortably rubbed his left hand as everyone in the room continued to stare at him as if they were waiting for him to get some unspoken joke. Wait, there's the old man. Who are all of these other people? "Old man, do you feel like telling me what's going on?"

Genma Saotome began talking, burst out into a fit of laughter, then stopped again. "Boy, you need to man up and take a bath. It's all ready for you, so go ahead."

Ranma tilted his head sideways. "Huh?"

"Yes, I believe that you've lost sight of your personal hygiene in your sleep. Please go, ahem, rediscover yourself," Genma choked out.

He raised an eyebrow in utter confusion. "What is going on?"

Another girl with bluish hair tied back in a yellow boy crawled forwards and grabbed him by the shirt. "Your idiot father is trying to tell you that you stink. You're coming with me."

"Hey!" Ranma protested as he was dragged by his collar out of the room and down the hall. "Tell me what the hell is going on! At least tell me your name."

The girl shoved a door open and roughly pushed him inside. He fell hard on the tile floor with a groan and stared back up at her unforgiving face. For just a second, he thought he saw something flash across it before she grew stony again. Was it pity? "I'm Akane. We'll tell you everything after you get out of the bath, okay?"

Ranma tried to rise to his feet, only to discover that his legs didn't feel like carrying his weight. He hung his head as he fell back on all fours. "What happened to me?" Crawling forwards, he dragged himself to the edge of the bathtub and stuck his finger in. "It's cold! What are you playing at, Pops?" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "Do you want to give me pneumonia?"

"Just get in the damn water!" a chorus of voices rang out from the other room.

Sighing, he pulled himself over the edge of the tub and let himself fall in.

Ranma Saotome had never screamed so loud in his entire life.


Akane groaned as she followed the rest of the members of the Tendo household down the hall and into the kitchen. Why did Father have to come up with this stupid scheme in the first place? He's going to flip when he learns about his curse, let alone the fact that he was engaged against his will while in a coma!

Right on queue, a scream ripped through the house, one that was both terrifying and decidedly feminine. Kasumi frowned slightly as she pulled a teakettle off of the pot rack and began to boil hot water. "Oh my. I'm afraid Ranma might have taken his curse the wrong way."

Akane growled as she worked to get her emotions under control. Seething, she turned to the two men creeping away from the room. "You two! When this goes south, I'm blaming you. Also, put the video camera away, Nabiki."

Her older sister faked a pout as she slipped a camcorder under a chair. "But how else will I be able to blackmail your fiance?"

She didn't have time to respond as a short red haired girl wearing nothing but a pair of shorts sprinted around the corner and launched herself at Genma Saotome. "POPS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" she screamed as her foot connected with the old man's face.

The old man went flying into the koi pond as Akane watched with a mixture of awe and hatred. Ranma landed with a pant and turned her glare on the Tendos. "You have five seconds to explain this to me before I hurt someone."

Kasumi smiled brilliantly and gestured to the teapot before looking over the girl's shoulder. "Ranma, I do believe that your father is trying to tell you something."

The newly turned girl looked back to see a panda standing in the koi pond holding up a sign that read ::You were cursed at Jusenkyo. Not very manly of you, boy.::

Ranma's eyes widened, and she staggered back a few paces, breathing heavily. "I'm… cursed? This isn't a dream?"

Kasumi shook her head. "No, I'm afraid not, dear."

Akane tried to walk forwards to put a hand on the girl's shoulder but stopped short as an inhuman shriek ripped its way from the redhead's throat. "YOU'RE DEAD!"

Akane buried her face in her hands as Nabiki gleefully recorded the footage of a topless girl playing a violent form of volleyball with an overweight panda. "Dear god, could this possibly get any worse?" she muttered.

Soun watched the fight thoughtfully. "I see that we have picked well! The schools will surely be joined with such a boy! I do suppose that it probably isn't a good time to tell him about the engagement, though..."


"This is getting me more money by the second!"

"Oh my!"

::Why'd you stop fighting, boy? Too much of a girl to beat me?::

Akane sat down and tried to drown out the idiocracy around her as the sinking feeling overwhelmed her that she was in for a long ride.

[A/N] AU where Ranma goes into a coma after hitting her head at Jusenkyo, and discovers that he's gender fluid once he wakes up. Akane is the sane one in this fic. Most chapters will probably be longer and crazier.

Signing out, Allie

[Edit 2/11/18] Grammar