It Wasn't My Fault
Coming into the house was unnerving. Everything was essentially as it had been the first time I had come into Levi's house but somehow it felt more ominous this time. I walked into the living room and saw Erwin sitting on the couch. At least, I assumed it was Erwin unless Levi had another man he needed to tell me about.
"Hello Eren," Erwin smiled. Levi and I had stayed out late, the darkness pouring in through the windows was eerie now.
I looked at Levi, "Eren this is Erwin, come and sit with us," Levi took my hand in his gently. He made me feel more comfortable about whatever odd event was about to happen.
"There's no need to be worried Eren," Erwin's voice stretched into the space. "You have all the control here. Whatever makes you uncomfortable is where all of us stop. I just wanted to meet to see what you might want from me or Levi or both of us. I also wanted to answer any questions you had." Levi and I sat on a couch opposite Erwin. Even though I was on the same couch as Levi, he was angled so that he was facing me making him appear more aligned with Erwin than myself.
"I...I have a lot of questions," I admitted softly.
"Why don't we start with just one," Erwin smiled reassuringly.
"Ok." I tried to think really hard about what I most wanted to know. "Levi said that if he and I were to get involved that...that you wouldn't be mad at him." Erwin shot Levi what appeared to be a glare and Levi looked away. "How would I fit into what's already in place?"
Erwin chuckled slightly. "You are a true submissive. Well at the moment Levi is my submissive and I am his dominant. Levi has expressed to me that he is interested in becoming your dominant but would like guidance from me because he's not familiar with all the toys, so essentially I would be teaching Levi. It's up to you Eren if you would like to become my submissive as well or simply be Levi's. My relationship with Levi would not change but I would not join your scenes without both his and your explicit permission just as you would not join ours without the same." I nodded, following for the most part. "If you did choose to become more of a unit, or a family if you're familiar with the term, then most scenes would be inclusive of all however private scenes are always allowed as well."
I fiddled with my fingers. I had never really been interested in a BDSM family. Ian had done two group scenes with me before, one with multiple subs and doms and one with four doms and me. The last group scene probably should have ended our relationship. Ian had been furious when I red-zoned the scene. Two of the doms scrambled to release the multiple binds, gags, and plugs, one offering to help me to the bathroom to purge the semen they had plugged up inside of me. Unfortunately, neither of those doms had been Ian. Ian had been staring at me shaking with rage. The next four days had been punishment, one day for each dom I had disappointed. Luckily Ian had forgiven me and my inability to satisfy that part of his fantasies. After that, group scenes had become an unspoken hard limit for me.
That whole commotion probably should have meant that I was completely insane for even considering this. But I wanted Levi, as quickly as all of it was moving Levi had been the first thing to make me feel comfortable in my new surroundings. So maybe it was stupid to consider the possibility of a joint relationship but if that was the only way I could have Levi it would be worth it.
"From past experience," my voice came out shaky. "I would say group play is off the table."
"How many times have you tried?" Erwin leaned forwards.
"Twice," I was honest.
"Well twice is hardly a full sampling. What was it about a group scene you didn't like?" Erwin pressed.
I fidgeted with the hair on the back of my neck. "There were too many doms, I couldn't please everyone," I admitted. The same sick churning in my stomach from that day appeared as I remembered. It was my utmost desire to please my doms and to fail so wholey, it had left me a mess. It took me a little while to get back to alright even with Ian at my side.
"Well, see in this situation there would only be two doms. And since we know about your anxiousness with the situation we would take care to ensure that no conflicting orders were given."
My eyes flicked to Levi who was watching me closely, I couldn't hold contact, they flitted to my hands. I gulped, my mouth suddenly dry. I was opening it to say something when Levi's voice cut me off.
"He said he doesn't want group scenes so it's off limits." I looked up at him, whatever Levi had hoped for as far as group play went he was willing to sacrifice for my opinion. Erwin shot him a deadly glare and my blood froze. It...I had been wrong before. I did recognize the tone Erwin spoke with, the looks he gave, the way he held himself. He was my dad. Not in the way that some doms liked being called 'daddy', which I wouldn't have been surprised in the least if he did like that, but in who he was. He was manipulative, he was controlling, he was a master at twisting things around and making you feel like it was your idea or your fault. He was the ultimate chess player, he could play a room, a person, or emotions. He was deadly. And I had wandered too close without realizing it was a trap.
I looked around the house again the darkness was still present but it felt as if it was creeping in on the lit up room. I had to get out, but how could I even manage that now? I was miles away from home, Reiner was likely asleep, Levi would be dealing with the aftermath of me leaving. I was truly trapped, how well this man had played it, my only option was to spend the night here, at least in some capacity. And if I wasn't careful I was pretty sure that the capacity would be naked in between them.
I started strumming my fingers against my knee nervously. I exhaled to collect my thoughts and then inhaled to steady myself. Then I made eye contact with Levi, I could only hope he could feel my growing anxiety. That somehow he could get me out. He had repeatedly told me he felt drawn to me, comfortable with me. I had to hold out hope that this extended at least in the very basics of it to the psychic ability to read my mind, or the panic in my eyes. I wanted to scream get me out but that would only anger Erwin. I couldn't ask to leave because then I would be the bad guy, and despite everything, I still wanted Levi, just not Erwin. And in truth, I wanted to get rid of Erwin. He had no right glaring at Levi for sharing his opinion. A good dom should be receptive of his subs wants and desires. Even if Levi was my dom at least for now he was Erwin's sub, which meant Erwin should have been caring and open to him, not harsh and oppressive.
"Group scenes is something we can build a trust towards," Erwin said confidently. My mind was racing, what could I say to get myself out of this, what could I say to through the biggest wrench possible into the situation, to force them to remove me from this house. It would have to spark a fight between the two of them. If they needed to speak in private, I would have to leave. My lips parted and I tried not to smile.
"After meeting both of you I actually," I looked away as if embarrassed. "I'm embarrassed to confess that I would only be interested in pursuing a relationship with Levi. I apologize for wasting your time but well, I have a very specific type. I'm sure you understand most people do, I can see that you do as far as features go Levi and I have the same dark hair, same build, and we're both of a shorter stature than yourself." I turned to Levi who seemed a bit shocked but tried instantly to recover from it when my eyes landed on his. "I'm so sorry to have wasted your time with that part. But I would still be interested in you becoming my dom." I smiled pleasantly and kept my eyes locked with his.
"I, um," Levi stuttered.
"That's something Levi and I would need to speak of privately. Thus far in our relationship that hasn't come up yet," Erwin's tone was icy and it felt like he was glaring at me but I kept my eyes on Levi.
"Alright," I said. "I understand and I'm thankful you'd even consider having me still sir," I licked my lips.
Levi stood and Erwin's arm snapped out and clutched his wrist like a handcuff. "I drove him here Erwin, I need to take him home. He doesn't live around here," Levi's eyes were closed off as he waited for Erwin to remove his hand. Erwin did reluctantly. "Come on Eren," Levi went and grabbed the keys from the kitchen counter. I stood, purposely avoided looking at Erwin and headed towards the door.
"Levi, make sure you come home right after," Erwin said as Levi was unlocking his door. Levi didn't say anything, just held the door open for me and then closed it behind him. He didn't even bother locking it. He opened the garage from a little panel on the exterior of the home and then got in. He backed it out for me before peeling out of the driveway and heading for the streets. He was speeding and I could read the disappointment on him. The Tesla could hardly offer me any comfort, as much as I loved the leather interior and the tinted windows, tonight it felt more of an oppressive silence than a comfortable private space.
"Why," Levi whispered. I took a deep breath.
"I had to get out, to get away from him." I saw Levi's eyes slide over to me for a very short minute.
"What do you mean? You've only seen Erwin once."
"Maybe," I admitted. "But I know what he's like, I've met people like him before and I moved here because of someone like him."
"You haven't told me why you moved here yet," Levi said.
I took a deep breath and looked out the window. "You're right," I said. "You can still see some of the aftermath, at least when my makeup is off." I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really know how to say, sorry but your boyfriend reminds me a lot of my dad who used to beat me. I picked up on it and almost lost my shit so I needed to get myself out of the situation. I sighed. I had to start somewhere.
"My dad used to hit me," I whispered. The car came to a stop quickly, we were pulled off to the side and Levi slammed his fingers against the hazards button then stared at me.
"The bruises," he said softly, I nodded. Some of this stuff I would be saying out loud for the first time ever.
"He, he hated me, for a long time, even before he found out I was gay. We would fight a lot, usually about stuff he blamed me for, sometimes it was my fault sometimes it wasn't. I used to feel like it was always my fault, but I stopped feeling like that eventually. But when I stopped feeling like it was my fault, it got harder to deal with." I swallowed hard. "That's when I started cutting," it was a lie, a small one. Well, it wasn't a complete lie, but the cuts had a lot more to do with Ian than my dad but I didn't know if I wanted to dive into everything that went on between me and Ian with Levi. I rubbed my palms on my jeans and exhaled a bit. "I ran away the night he found out I was gay. It had always been pretty bad but, that night, that was the worst," my breaths were shaky and I didn't know if I would start crying or not.
"Sh," he placed his hand over mine and I looked at him surprised. "It's ok," his free hand pushed the hazard button again and he awkwardly switched out of park and slid back onto the road. I didn't really know what to make of it, was he bored? The question felt bitter inside me. Sorry, my pain isn't interesting enough, I wanted to roll my eyes. I settled back in the seat and looked out the window, his hand was still holding mine but I kind of wished it wasn't. I swallowed hard, the tears weren't threatening as much as before but, I was hurt, deeply by Levi's rejection of me. I hadn't told anyone this ever. And to think I was actually going to open up to him about Mikasa, glad I didn't do that at least. What a mistake that would have been anyways, he wasn't even mine. Telling him all this personal stuff, that would have been one thing. Maybe I should get my story off of my chest, after all, I'd never told anyone the details before, but Mikasa's that should stay locked away. Somewhere private and secluded, for only the most trusted of allies.
I was surprised by the unexpected turn we made. I looked to Levi before finding the window again, a hotel. He parked in a close space and squeezed my hand. He got out and came around to open the door for me. I didn't even have my seatbelt off, I wasn't sure what to make of it.
"What are we doing?" I asked him.
"Come on," he smiled warmly and held his hand out for me. I stared at it before undoing my seatbelt and taking it. He gently pulled me from the car and shut the door, locking it. He placed his hand on my lower back and ushered me inside. "Sit here and wait," he instructed pointing to a seat near the door. I nodded and sat down looking around the lobby. It was large, well-done. Nothing was overly flashy but it was all in good taste. Levi spoke to the man behind the counter for a few minutes before handing him a credit card and walking back to me.
"Let's go," he said softly and held his hand out again. I took it greedily and followed him to the elevator. He pushed '7' and the machine silently made it's way up. "The car isn't the place to have a conversation like that," he said into the low hum. I looked at him stunned. He wasn't looking at me though. "When you tell me you should be somewhere comfortable and safe. I should be able to focus on you completely, not be distracted by trying to drive safely."
"You weren't driving we were parked," I blurted ungratefully before I could stop myself.
A small smile crept onto his lips. "Still, it's hard to hold you close in a car." My cheeks tinted red. "And I want to, I want to make you feel safe Eren."
I stared at him. "Erwin told you to come back home," I said stupidly.
"Yes I heard him, but I'm more worried about you," his steely eyes locked onto mine. My breath caught in my throat.
"So, you're not going home tonight?" I whispered as the elevator chimed our arrival.
A devilish smirk came onto Levi's face. His finger snaked under my chin and gripped it gently. My cheeks heated as he leaned closer, his lips just centimeters away from my own. My knees shook and my breath was airy. "I'm not going home tonight," he whispered, the words caressing my lips. I was hungry for him, I wanted to lean forwards and capture his lips with mine. But I knew better, a boyfriend, no matter how shitty, was still a boyfriend. So when he let go of my chin and headed out of the elevator I had to hesitate after him. I yelped as the elevator began to close and scurried out.
Levi walked down the hallway a few rooms and then opened a door. I followed behind him and stared at the one bed in the room. This was wrong, my mind whined at me. Because Levi. I closed the door. Levi took his shirt off and stripped his dark wash jeans. He was left in just his boxers and I couldn't avert my eyes.
"Well, come on then. Are you planning on sleeping in that?" he asked me.
"Well, I, no," I stuttered.
"Of course not," Levi said. "You'd ruin your brand new outfit. So strip," he said tilting his head with an entertained smirk.
"Alright," I nodded and started unbuttoning my shirt. Levi sat on the bed watching me closely. I toed my shoes off and then gulped before undoing my pants. I really needed to make sure that I watched where my mind wandered to since I would definitely be on display for him if I got even a little excited.
"Eren," he called out for me and I moved towards him. I climbed onto the bed beside him and stared at him unwilling to move and define the relationship myself. He twisted his finger in the air signaling for me to turn around once I had he pulled me into his lap. My head was rested on his legs and he was kiting his fingers through my hair. "Tell me," he whispered into the dark room, he hadn't even bothered turning a light on when we had entered.
I took a deep breath, I had to start somewhere. "My dad found out I was gay a few days ago, the day before I met you actually. He flipped out and gave me the cuts and bruises you've already seen," Levi's fingers delicately traced the patches of skin my makeup still desperately attempted to cover.
"So you and your dad never got along?" he asked.
"A little more when I was younger," I debated telling him about Mikasa, it was hard to see what went wrong if I excluded her.
"So what changed?"
"I became more rebellious," I said.
He made a humming noise. "I," I chewed on my lip. In the car first I had thought it would be a good idea to tell Levi about Mikasa, then I thought it was a bad one. Now my story would be hard to tell in completion without talking about her. "I had a sister," I said softly. It was unlikely Levi and Mikasa would meet anyways, so there was no harm really.
"I didn't know you had siblings."
"She was adopted. Her parents were killed when she was seven, the murderer was still in the house. They were trying to kidnap her. Her parents were poor off and not too many people cared about them. She was really pretty and they wanted to sell her into the underground sex trade." I glanced up at Levi but his eyes were closed listening to me. His fingers still made their way through my hair. "My father is a doctor and we were visiting the house to check up on her mother who had been pregnant and in need of cheap care. When my dad came to the open door, he freaked out. Rushed in and checked their pulses, both the parents were already dead, blood was everywhere. He was screaming for me to stay outside, not to come in. These two guys came in, claiming to be neighbors who had called the cops. They said that they had seen a creep running from the house with a little girl screaming. My dad jumped up, asked them to look after me then ran out. He said he would try and figure out which way they went since the police would take too long. The men agreed to watch after me and then waited until he left. They snarled and kicked me against the wall, I pretended to be knocked out. I didn't know what they were going to do, but they went into the apartment and then I heard her screaming. I, I didn't know she was still inside or I never would have let them," I was crying, tears leaking from my eyes and Levi hushed me. He bent and kissed my forehead, his fingers trailing over my cheeks drying my tears as they ran.
"Do you need to take a break?" he asked. I almost wondered if he needed one, that sure was a lot to get unloaded on you in a few minutes. But I shook my head, it was an all or nothing kind of situation and if I stopped now, it would never be out.
"I ran inside and grabbed the knife that was sticking out of the mom's neck. I grabbed it steadily between my two hands and hurried into the room where she was screaming. I sliced the first guy, the one holding her, across the back of his knee. He screamed and fell and let her go. She ran away from him but the other guy tried to grab her. I stabbed him over and over, the report said he had cuts on his arms, chest, neck, and face. The second guy pried me off of him, I think he was probably already dead. I screamed and kicked him and cut his jaw a few times. He said a lot of really bad words. I remember one of the times I hit him it was like slow motion. I swung back and felt the tip collide and slide through, it stopped for a second before pushing through again, it took a lot of force before the hilt hit the side of his head, but then he dropped me. The girl, my sister, she grabbed my hand and ran from the room. We ran out of the apartment complex even as people screamed after us. We ran down the street and most people moved out of the way of the two bloody kids. A few people tried to stop us and calm us down but we'd scream and rush away, one time we ran across the street and almost got hit. Eventually we saw a policeman on patrol and kind of tackled him down. I remember he reached for his gun before he realized we were sobbing frightened children.
"He took us down to the precinct where we refused to be separated. My parents really had no option but to take my sister at that point because the two of us wouldn't leave each other. My mom was devastated when she found out I had somehow murdered two adult men. She and my dad fought constantly about how irresponsible he was for taking me with him on his work, about how he left me with strangers who ended up trying to kill me. My relationship with my dad was never the same after that day. I was just trying to do what was best but in the end, I messed everything up, and I ruined the relationship I had and my dad could never love a murd-"
I screamed, lost in my story, as Levi managed to maneuver my body underneath his. His eyes were icy as he stared down at me. "Don't you dare," he hissed. I looked up at him, the tears still trickling down my cheeks at a steady pace, my heart stuttering from his sudden hatred.
"L-Levi," my voice shook.
"It was not your fault," it was like a blow to the gut. "Your dad sounds like he has some seriously fucked up problems to deal with. You saved your life and someone else's. You handled the situation the best you could with your limited capabilities at your age. He's an idiot if he thought those two would just leave you unconscious there, they either would have taken you with them or killed you. Eren look at me," it was hard to focus through the new batch of tears. "Look at me, it was not your fault. Eren you have to listen. Repeat it, it was not your fault," he seemed desperate. "Eren," he called louder trying to break through my daze. His eyes were darting all around my face but I couldn't focus. "Red, yellow, green," he said suddenly.
"Green," I mumbled.
"Green, sir," he said harshly.
"Green sir," I said back with more force.
"Repeat after me, it was not your fault."
"It wasn't my fault," I whispered.
"Louder," he insisted.
"It wasn't my fault," I said at a normal volume. The tightness in my chest was building, it hurt, but it also felt strangely warm. "It wasn't my fault," I said again, choking on the words. "It wasn't my fault," the tightness exploded and I started crying, muttering it again and again. "It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault…" It was his fault, it was my dad's fault. Levi was right I was a child. He left me alone with murderers. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't to blame. Ian had never told me this, he'd never washed away my anguish or grief. "It wasn't my fault," I said and Levi took his legs off from straddling me. He sat beside me and pulled me up so I was sitting. He pulled my head into his neck and I sobbed harder, mumbling it over and over again, it wasn't my fault, I clutched onto him for dear life.
We sat there for awhile, it was hard to tell how long because I couldn't see the harsh red numbers from the alarm clock. But Levi didn't get bored or anything, he held me, content with our contact and waiting for me to normalize.
Eventually, my crying turned to sniffing and the sniffing turned into deep calming breathes. I was breathing against his neck and I realized for the first time that we were both nearly naked. I was pressed with my bare chest to his bare chest. My legs were crossed behind his back, forcing us to stay in close proximity. I licked my lips to rid them of tears and my tongue, ever so briefly, tasted his flesh. We were so close together.
Slowly, tentatively, I kissed the flesh of his neck. Levi let out a soft noise, not even a moan, just sound. I nuzzled the tender skin with my nose before placing another kiss there. The kisses were soft and gentle before turning hot and wet. And soon we were both panting in the dark. Levi's hands were clinging onto me, wrapped under my arms and pulling my close. His nails bit into my back and drug down, marking inch after inch. I was panting heavily and he was moaning softly, it was as if we both understood we had to be nearly silent or else the spell would break. One hand buried in his hair, I tugged at the roots absentmindedly, my other hand tracing nonsense patterns on his back. I blackened his neck with my mouth, sure that there would be a huge, irrefutable mark by the end of the night. We were both panting heavily by the time I pulled away. His arms were still behind me, holding me close, holding me to him.
In the dark, I couldn't see his eyes, but I knew mine were clouded with lust. In the pitch black, it was almost like it didn't count. It was almost like we could lie to ourselves. It was almost like there wasn't someone waiting at home for him. It was almost like it wasn't really happening. But I leaned forwards and kissed his lips, and it was almost like we had had enough self-control.
AN: Wow I made you wait for this one. I am sooooo sorry. I just got back from a 16 day trip to another country yesterday and really sat my butt down to pump this out for you guys. I'm surprisingly pleased with how it turned out and I hope you guys love it. I'll be uploading this as well as a few others onto my new ao3 account: SereneWriter. Almost everything will be double posted so you don't have to check it out but if you prefer ao3 site I'm on that as well. Please, please, review it means so much you guys have been amazing and I will try to be better with my next chapter upload. XO Serene