I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? Of course I understand. I mean do you call this a war? This funny little thing? This is not a war. I fought in a bigger War that you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes, I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count.

River. It was always River. She had all the answers. Knew him best, even better than himself at times. She was always one step ahead in their game. Then the day came where she wasn't. The day came when he had all the answers and had to lie to her. One night in Derilium. That's all they had left. And then she would leave for the library. And after losing Clara the Doctor wasn't sure if losing River all over again would break him. And those are just on the nights where he ignores the fact that she is already lost.

Clara once said that other people must be like ghosts to me. I denied it. But I wasn't that man anymore. No bowtie or fez to hide behind. And those nights I couldn't help but think I'm truly living with a ghost.

I wanted to change the outcome. I thought of every way he could. But I had rules. Because I wasn't a good man. But the Doctor was. And I had to follow those rules. So I gave her the screwdriver. And when the towers sang I cried. I didn't want her to go. But I've seen the ending. It was as good as a fixed point. So I had to make every cycle count.

So we had a lovely dinner, and drank wine made from some fruit I forgot how to pronounce. And we danced, fast and slow. And soon the cycle came to an end.

We returned to the Tardis, my and sometimes, her home. She wanted me to rest with her. I hesitated, because what if the dreams came to haunt me again? But this was River. She loved me as if I were the stars themselves. So I relented, against my better judgment. I lay my head down and let my unconscious mind wander.

NO MORE!

IS THIS DEATH?

A TEAR SARAH JANE?

ABSOULUTLY FANTASTIC!

I DON'T WANT TO GO!

THE END OF TIME ITSELF!

YOU KILLED HER!

ROSE TYLER I-

RAGEDY MAN GOODBYE!

WAS SHE HAPPY?

REGENERATE!

KILL ME!

I'VE LOST THINGS YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND!

AND WHEN THE ENTIRE MOUNTAIN IS CHISLED AWAY, THE FIRST SECOND OF ETERNITY WILL HAVE PASSED!

I shot up then, shaking, sweating. My hearts were beating and my adrenaline was pumping as I looked for my enemy. I needed the sonic. It always keeps me alive. I couldn't find it! WHY CAN'T I FIND IT.

And then her arms wrapped around me so tight I thought I was being squeezed by a Macra. And her voice soothed my beating hearts. So aptly named, that Melody Pond. Her soft words and gentle fingers caressed my scalp and ran through my hair until I calmed down, the memories beaten back. Davros always said I ran because I dare not look back. There may have been some truth to those words.

Morning came, and I tried to brush off the night as if it never happened. River said never let me see the damage. What she didn't know was that worked both ways.

We enjoyed our breakfast, then she asked exactly what I feared. I wanted to lie, to assure her everything was fine. But this was River, and she knew me, all of my tells and my quirks. Even with a new body and accent she still saw me. And I found that here on Derilium I could deny her nothing.

I told her I found Gallifrey, and bless her she lit up at that. She was so happy for me her face shined. I fought back a dark chuckle, as the Gallifrey I loved was gone.

I told her of how I failed Clara, my best friend. How I let her Face the Raven alone. How Utterly worthless I felt in that moment.

I told her of the Confession Dial, how I died over and over. How I tried to fight and escape the clutches of Rassilon for over four and a half billion years. She even asked me how many times I had regenerated, as if I would have been granted such a mercy.

As I told her everything I grew angry. Angry at Rassilon. Angry at Me. Angry at myself. And angry at the universe for letting Clara Oswald die such an agonizing death. I grew so angry I threw my tea and collapsed, the energy gone from me as I fell into despair.

Then River held me once again. Those wonderful arms held me as if the world would collapse if she let go. Maybe not the world, but certainly me.

Then I truly confessed. I couldn't remember anything. Not Clara. Not my time in the Dial. She deserved to be remembered and I just forgot her. I broke the rules. I broke the Promise and it was for NOTHING.

I told her of my nightmares, how the Time War still haunted me. And I tried to do the right thing, and give her an out. She was my wife, and I loved her. She didn't deserve the mess that I was. It was the wrong thing to do, evidenced by my stinging cheek and her thunderous anger. She rebuked me like only she could.

I apologized then. It seems like I'm always apologizing for something. But this was Derlilum, and I promised I would do right by her.

She picked me up and dusted me off. As she straightened my clothes and wiped the remnants of my tears I could only think of how I didn't deserve her. But I had twenty four years with her, and the universe owed me. I could be selfish. I could be selfish with her.