Many Sided Coin
I don't own MLP
Batcord sat awkwardly outside the doors of the throne room, hearing the muffled shouts of two Alicorn sisters discussing a very heated subject.
"Are they fighting about you?" one of the guard ponies asked curiously, debating if he should feel sympathy for the batpony.
"No, no, this is a sisterly spat. They should be-" he started, pausing as the shouting stopped. "Okay, if they start yelling again, it's probably about me this time."
"What, did you knock Princess Luna up?" the other guard asked jokingly.
"Oh, I wish it had gotten that far," Batcord answered coolly, smirking at their curious look. "Name's Vesper, boys. You'll probably be seeing me around for some time," he warned cockily.
"You should be glad the old captain isn't around right now," the first guard warned with a chuckle. "Captain Shining Armor might have socked you for talking about the princesses like that in front of us."
"And I would have welcomed the challenge," Batcord answered with a grin.
"Wait, are you not in the Night Guard?" the second pony asked in surprise.
"What, do you think every Batpony is one of Luna's loyal lapdogs?" Discord asked with a huff. "Because if it wasn't such a nice lap, I'd be offended."
"Crudeness aside, just about every batpony in the capital I know is in the guard," the first answered with a shrug.
"Really? Well, I'd consider joining, but I don't do well in armor," he answered with a smirk.
Both guards gave unimpressed looks, turning stoic as the doors to the throne room opened. "My sister will see you now," Luna stated coolly.
If he was anypony else, Batcord probably wouldn't have noticed the wetness of the fur beneath the eyes, obviously from tears.
"That's my cue, colts!" Batcord said with a grin, practically gliding over to Luna. "Shall we, my midnight beauty?" he asked charmingly.
Luna rolled her eyes at that, following him inside without another word.
She was genuinely surprised by how quick he sobered up. "So, I take it the Tantalizing topic was a bit rough on you both?" he asked sympathetically.
Luna gave him a curious look for his seriousness before nodding slightly, "We'll manage, yes. But sister is quite...curious about you," she forewarned as they approached the elder of the Alicorns.
"Any advice?" Batcord requested halfheartedly.
"Can you not flirt with her?" Luna suggested flatly.
Batcord opened his mouth, then suddenly stopped as he realized they had arrived. Quietly, he looked up at the Alicorn of the sun, taking in her graceful and nigh-supernatural height, her flawless white cloak, her variable rainbow of a mane that flowed enchantingly, her one visible eye a sea of amethyst regality and mischievousness.
"No, no I cannot," Batcord whispered factually before clearing her throat. "Okay, first off: Wow. I know this joke is dead, but HOT damn! You're even sexier than I remember. Will remember? Whatever. I know I said this once a thousand years ago, but it's a PLEASURE to meet you, Princess Sunny Buns."
Celestia stared, blinking at the grinning male. "You're Discord?" she questioned skeptically.
"The original one in fact. Granted, not my name, but you can call me Batcord. Or, if we need something more fancy, my cover name shall be Vesper," he answered proudly.
"Vesper?" Luna repeated, unimpressed.
"Vesper Voluptatis," Batcord confirmed with a nod.
"You're just naming yourself a bat," Luna pointed out dryly.
"Yes, I am, Luna of the Moon," Batcord shot back effortlessly.
Luna sputtered briefly while Celestia tried not to look too amused. "Well, you certainly have some of Discord's mannerisms, but I'm not entirely convinced that you're the Batpony that becomes the Draconequus?" she stated, smiling despite the skepticism.
"Understandable. I haven't rocked this look in a LONG time," Batcord accepted with a shrug. "Now, how to prove it to you?" he asked himself thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.
"How about something only Discord should know?" Celestia offered.
Batcord opened his mouth before looking uncomfortable. "Well, there is, one thing," he stated with a grimace. "I, or rather the Me you both know, caused your alektorophobia."
Celestia's eye dilated as Luna frowned. "What does electricity have to do with anything? Sister isn't scared of lightning," Luna stated with a furrowed brow.
Batcord looked sheepish. "No, Luna? It means a fear of chickens."
"Ah, I see," Luna said before blinking. "Wait, what?"
"Oh, she actually hid that one from you?" Batcord asked in surprise. "It was a thousand years ago. You know, when I was trying to be the biggest dick instead of having the biggest dick?"
Celestia blinked, that line having thoroughly ripped her from her horrific flashbacks, before turning to Luna with an amused look. "You didn't tell me he was such a flirt."
"I'm trying to get him to stop," Luna answered with an eye roll.
"Oh, don't start pouting, Lulu. You KNOW how much I wanted to take you up on that offer to share your bed," Batcord teased with a grin.
"I Will End You!" Luna hissed with a scarlet blush against her blue coat.
"So soon? When did this happen?" Celestia asked with a teasing tone.
"It wasn't like that! He invaded my dream," Luna stated vehemently.
"You're not the first to say that, but only the third literal incident," Batcord murmured to himself.
"And did you realize he was intruding before or after that offer?" Celestia egged on, Luna starting to look more purple than blue. "I'm only teasing you, Sister," she assured before giving Batcord a half-warning look. "I trust by you standing here that you didn't, as they say, do the deed before revealing your true nature to her?"
"Yeah, but next time she makes that offer, I'm not turning it down," Batcord forewarned with a grin. "Cause, you know, no straight stallion turns down that kind of royal request."
"This is never going to stop, is it?" Luna asked, wiping a hoof over her face.
"Do you really want it to?" Batcord asked sincerely.
Luna looked to him, watching as he tilted his head at her expectantly, and begrudgingly held her tongue. She couldn't deny it was...endearing in a frustrating sort of way.
"So," Celestia stated, getting things back on track. "If I am to understand Luna's explanation, you are a mental representation of who Discord used to be, long ago, that escaped into the real world during the incident with the...Tantabus," Celestia said, the word rolling off her tongue with distaste. "And you are out with Discord's reluctant permission to do...what, exactly?"
"Socialize, make bad jokes, probably annoy my other self, get Luna to loosen up, meet the gang, finally try ice cream, and hopefully get laid," Batcord listed off casually.
"Oh, is that all?" Celestia asked in amusement.
"Well, if I get the chance, I'm taking Shining Armor out for a drink since he nabbed the current Love Goddess of Ponykind," Batcord remarked before shrugging. "Probably get into a fight with him while making Love jokes about his sex life, but you know, take the good with the bad."
"I'm starting to see more of Discord in you, Vesper," Celestia remarked with a charmed look.
"In fairness, there is a long, winding road between those two points," Batcord assured, looking hopeful. "So, is this going to be a problem for some reason?"
"While this is...peculiar, I can't see why it would. As long as you're not plotting anything villainous," Celestia stated warningly.
"Cel, trust me, being a villain is not one of this Mask's shticks," Batcord answered flatly. "Now, I have one very important thing to say to both of you."
"To both of us?" Luna asked, intrigued as she looked at Batcord with curiosity.
He sighed, looking at the floor. "Look, the current me is never going to say it. I'm still a bit of a flankhole these days. So, it's up to this me to say something very long overdue," he stated, taking a deep breath before looking into their eyes. "I'm sorry. For everything."
There was a long, stunned silence as the two immortal sisters tried to process those two simple yet profound words. "...Why?" Luna asked firmly.
"Umm, I think former-villain kind of covers what I'm apologizing for?" Batcord answered in confusion.
"No, Discord, I want to know why: Why did you ever plunge Equestria into chaos in the first place?" Luna clarified, glaring at the batpony.
"I can't say," Batcord answered with regret.
"You can apologize, but you can't explain yourself?" Luna asked with a scowl.
"YES!" Batcord snapped, startling them both. "You don't get it, Luna! I'm a MASK. I can't tell you why I did it because the current me, the REAL me, doesn't want you to know!" he all but yelled before taking deep breaths to calm himself. "I'm sorry, that was...the other me, leaking through. Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm not still a part of him. I'm sorry, but if you want an explanation, you have to ask him. I can mostly only tell you about myself right now."
The two shared a look before nodding. "I understand, Vesper," Celestia accepted. "We won't pry from, um, This You about such things. That said..." Batcord glanced up hopefully at the warm tone. "I hope you'll share one day how a batpony was set on the path to being the Lord of Chaos," she finished with a smile.
He returned it gratefully before looking to Luna, who sighed. "My...memories as your enemy are still far fresher than my sister. I have not had centuries to thoroughly bury old questions and heal old wounds," Luna stated in apology.
"Luna, I remember in vivid detail everything I did to you," Batcord said with a sorrowful smile. "You never have to apologize about being upset with me for that."
"You make it very hard with how sincere you are," Luna stated with a mock eye roll.
"This Me was never much of a liar," Batcord stated with a chuckle. "So, Celestia, do I need to ask the big sister to steal Luna away for the rest of the day?"
"Why do you need her, exactly?" Celestia asked curiously, Luna already facehoofing at the phrasing.
"Well, it's been a long time since I've been with a mare and-" Batcord started playfully, stopping when Celestia joined the facehoofing.
"I trotted into that one, I'm sorry, Luna," Celestia admitted despite her own amused look.
"No, no you're not," Luna accused knowingly.
"In all seriousness, I figured you might as well. The guards are going to be spreading rumors about you with the mystery batpony before sundown," he pointed out.
Luna stared at him for a moment. "Definitely, definitely Discord," she concluded with a head shake. "Very well, let us be off. Tia, send a letter to Twilight Sparkle please. Tell her...whatever you wish as long as it doesn't encourage him," Luna requested.
"Luna, I've know this aspect of Discord for all of ten minutes and I can tell that everything he doesn't apologize for is encouragement to him," Celestia stated bluntly.
"Not wrong," Batcord admitted shamelessly. "It has been a pleasure, your royal sunny bunness," Batcord said with a grin and an over the top bow.
"But I'll be sure to warn her that he a marizing flirt from Tartarus," Celestia added on mischievously.
"Oh, good, I won't have to worry about telling them that," Batcord countered effortlessly.
"There's no winning with you, is there?" Celestia asked, shaking her head in amusement.
Batcord shrugged. "Well, it's not like I pursue females disinterested in me."
"And you're so positive we're interested in you?" Luna asked with a raised eyebrow.
"No, but you're not disinterested. There's a nice middle ground between them," Batcord assured as if it was sage advice.
"I believe stallions call that the friendzone," Celestia commented.
"Oh trust me; I hope to get in Twilight's "Friendzone" at least once," Batcord finished with a smirk.
Luna's jaw dropped at the pun as Celestia burst out laughing. "I regret this immensely," Luna stated to Batcord's look of false innocence.
Meanwhile, the guards shared a bewildered look at each other as they heard the solar Alicorn's laughter through the door. "What do you think that was about?" one asked curiously.
"Hopefully not how small he is," the other stated, getting an odd look. "What? You know how embarrassing that would be, getting it on with an Alicorn then getting humiliated like that in front of her sister?"
"I don't know, I have a cousin that gets off on that kind of stuff."
End of Chapter
Well, there we go. A bit short, but still hilarious. Batcord or, Vesper, remains an unstoppable yet good natured flirt. And, even if its just a Mask, the alicorn sisters got a formal apology from Discord.
And next chapter, we get Batcord meeting the Mane Six and Ponyville in general.
PS I am far too proud of the joke about Twilight's Friendzone. XP
go fund me . com (slash) f (slash) akumakami64
p a treon . com (slash) akumakami64