Just a little something for Brittana's 2nd year anniversary! Mostly inspired by One Direction's song End of the Day.
With the number of parties Puck had thrown at his house, Santana knew her way around like the back of her hand. Not wanting to linger on the fact that she knew his bedroom even more and why that was, Santana guided Brittany up the stairs and down the hall to Noah's little sister's room. The two giggled as they tripped over each other in the dark, fingers laced, shushing one another because they really weren't supposed to be up there. They were barely at Puck's sister's door when Brittany's palm smoothed around Santana's side, her body pressing flush against the brunette's back. Santana's breath hitched at the sudden contact, Brittany was always so handsy with a little alcohol in her. Not that she minded.
"Britt!" Santana gasped, loving and hating how good she felt, "Hold on."
"Okay." She answered as she slid her hand up Santana's stomach, palming her chest, "Holding on."
Santana just rolled her eyes, fighting a grin. They had been teasing each other with flirty eyes and seductive dance moves all night, the alcohol making it a little easier for Santana to not be so concerned about what the others thought of her. She knew rumors were circulating of her secret romance with her best friend, but they weren't true. She liked spending time with her and making out with her and sex was so much better with her than any guy she had ever tumbled into bed with but that didn't mean anything.
It's not like she's in love with her.
She doesn't know.
She hates thinking about it and hates that people think they know her even more. She rather bury those confusing feelings deep within her and never deal with them ever again. The only person who really got her, the only person who had taken the time to peel back her layers and stuck around was Brittany.
But you do that for best friends, they're supposed to be special like that.
So she's not in love with her. She can't be and she won't be because if one thing is for sure it's that she's not gay.
No, she knows she's not because she can't be.
Santana blames the alcohol for everything that happens, but a little piece of her knows she isn't that drunk. She won't let anyone else know that though, not even Brittany. So she relaxes against Brittany's body and rolls her head back against her shoulder. She loves how Brittany's just a few inches taller because it's the perfect height for neck kisses and she revels in the softness of her skin. Although she wanted to spend more time brushing her lips against whatever she could reach, Santana pulled away, Brittany groaning behind her, and leaned against the door to open it.
"I like Puck's room," Brittany whispered as they tip toed in, her fingers delving into the back pocket of Santana's skin tight jeans to keep her close, "Nice Barbies."
"It's his sister's," Santana smirked, crossing the room to unlatch the locks on the window, trying so hard not to just turn around and jump the girl, "His mom made them switch. I guess she thought it would keep him from sneaking out."
Brittany just shrugged and watched Santana push the window open, eyes glued to the sliver of skin that was revealed by Santana's shirt being pushed up the more she reached. It may not have been the safest place for a make out session with alcohol still in their systems, but Santana knew they'd never get caught and she wasn't trying to fuel the rumor mill.
Once again though Brittany couldn't help herself and pressed Santana against another hard surface, only this time she was facing her. Santana's heart jumped at the closeness and her body buzzed with the way Brittany's eyes danced over her lips. Santana couldn't stop herself from teasing her just a little more and poked out her tongue to dampen her lips, smiling at how Brittany's eyes widened at the movement.
"Can't we just do it right here?" Brittany husked, hands griping at Santana's hips as she bent down to nip at her neck, "I want you now."
Santana almost caved, especially with how Brittany's thigh somehow managed to find its way pressed between hers, but she didn't. She felt weird about doing anything remotely sexual in Puck's little sister's room and there was no way she was going into his since he probably had some kind of sex cam hidden somewhere. The roof was the only way.
So Santana pulled back just a little and leaned in to press a pacifying kiss to the blonde's lips, "Come on, almost there."
Thanks to Cheerios practice, the two made it onto the roof easily. There, hidden by the giant oak tree's shadows and knowing that no one dared follow after them upstairs, Santana relaxed ever so slightly. They had only drank just enough to get a good buzz going but not enough to give them the spins if they laid back. So they shimmied down side by side, cold shingles scratching at their clothes as they got comfortable, and stared up at the rustling leaves. It may have been the sudden cold because their hormones no longer had them itching to rip each other's clothes off.
"I love dancing." Brittany mumbled through a tired grin. She sounded so somber, so different from the huskiness just before.
Santana chuckled as Brittany did a little wiggle with her hips, "I know you do and you're so good at it too."
Brittany rolled onto her side, propped her head up in her hand, and danced her fingers on Santana's stomach, "I love dancing with you the most though."
"Yeah?" Santana smiled and turned to watch Brittany nod, "I like dancing with you the most too."
That made Brittany's fingers stop dancing, "Really?"
Santana was a little surprised to hear the disbelief in Brittany's voice, and couldn't stop herself as she leaned over for another kiss. She curled her fingers in the blonde ringlets at the back of Brittany's neck and kissed her so softly she didn't know if she were kissing her at all. Her lips felt so numb against Brittany's and her heart raced. She felt like she were on fire despite the wind and cold. Soon Brittany was guiding her to lay back, her long blonde hair shielding them from the moon light.
Santana's hands moved to rest at the small of Brittany's back as their bodies melted together, lips being tugged on gently and low moans of pleasure escaping. Brittany touched Santana's cheek softly, cradling her face in her hand as she continued to kiss her deeply. Without realizing it, Santana had the end of Brittany's shirt tight in her fist, grounding her as if she was going to float away. Soon the cold was no longer a factor, the wind nothing more but a mindless breeze cooling their warm skin.
Brittany was the first to start playing with Santana's jeans, tugging at the button, trying to fit her hand in the tight material.
Santana bucked her hips when she finally felt Brittany's cold fingers against her warm skin and nipped at her bottom lip.
She could feel Brittany's smile as she pulled away to look at Santana. Somehow blue eyes gleamed in the darkness but there was also something she didn't recognize there.
It was only for a second because Brittany dived back in, her hand stilling at the zipper of Santana's pants, lips leaving a trail of kisses up her neck. Santana swallowed hard, the slight tickle of her lips causing her hips to wiggle in anticipation.
Brittany nipped at her earlobe then pressed soft kisses down her neck and along Santana's jaw before stopping at her chin. Santana felt so much pent up inside of her that she almost rolled Brittany on her back, but she couldn't move with the way the blonde was looking at her again. What was usually clouded with lust and attraction was now taken over by that same look just moments before.
"I love you," Brittany said and bowed her head, her lips so close to Santana's that they brushed when she spoke.
Santana had heard it a million times before, exchanged the words thoughtlessly for most of their friendship, but this time felt different.
Maybe it was the way Brittany looked at her before or maybe it was the sincerity in her voice, but there was something new about this time. There was this feeling, this unknown force, and it strangled Santana.
She was rendered speechless.
Brittany never failed to put her on edge. Being close to her, smelling her perfume, hearing the sound of her voice. It always sent chills down Santana's spine and she didn't understand why and this time was no different.
Actually, a little part of her had one guess as to why she felt the way she did towards her best friend but each time she even began to think of the possibility she denied it and buried it deep within her heart.
"I can't." She'd tell herself, repeating it like it was her mantra, "I can't. I can't."
She fought herself so hard all the time, struggling to hide her feelings, struggling to act normal, struggling to have control. With Brittany she felt so relaxed and calm and comfortable but at the same time so out of control and on edge because of the way she made her feel. She didn't know how to deal and she didn't want to figure it out.
So she kept quiet. She hoped Brittany wouldn't notice, maybe think that she was too preoccupied to hear her. Her heart pounded in her ears and she squeezed her eyes closed, trying to push away all the questions fogging her mind.
"Why do I feel this way? What could it mean? Why does this feel different? Is it me? What am I doing?"
She didn't realize she was breathing so heavily until Brittany pulled away, her long hair no longer shielding them from the full moon. She opened her eyes to find Brittany staring at her worriedly.
Brittany lifted her hand slowly and touched Santana's cheek, "You're on fire, San."
With wide eyes, Santana went into full on protection mode. It happened every so often when she felt helpless and cornered and scared. She pushed people away, even those that wanted to help, and hid.
"Santana?" Brittany said, her voice barely a whisper.
"I-I've got to go." Santana said abruptly and scrambled for the window.
"Santana, please!" Brittany called after her, "Don't do this again, please."
Before Brittany could even bat an eyelash, Santana was gone.
"Nice, Lopez!" Puck cheered and raised his beer as Santana made her way to the kitchen. She looked down and realized she ran off so fast she didn't even bother to zip her jeans. There were still a few party goers hanging around but no one she really knew. Even so, she felt everyone's eyes on her, analyzing, and she couldn't take it. She rolled her eyes at Puck and quickly zipped her fly before grabbing her jacket.
She thought of going home but she was meant to sleepover Brittany's and she knew there would be questions if she came home instead. There was only one other place she felt comfortable enough to go to during a time like this.
It only took a coupe knocks before the door flew open and a very disgruntled blonde stood before Santana.
"There has got to be a good reason for this." Quinn grumbled as she welcomed Santana inside, "You do realize it's close to 4 in the morning?"
"Sorry." Santana said and ignored the usual annoyed tone and walked in, her head so clogged with Brittany that she didn't even realize she was headed for Quinn's dad's liquor cabinet.
With him gone, no one really touched it aside from the very few times Quinn needed something to take the edge off at the end of the day. Back before things got complicated, she, Santana, and Brittany would sneak away a bottle during sleepovers and laugh the night away. Quinn's mom never paid too much attention after the divorce so no one ever suspected a thing.
The dynamic the trio had was special because even after the fights and arguments they managed to stick together when it mattered most. They were each other's go to people, they always had each other's back.
So even though Quinn was a complete grump answering the door at 4 in the morning, she did it because Santana and Brittany would've and have done the same.
Santana went for the bottle of bourbon, mainly because it was the closest one to her, and poured herself a glass. Quinn had watched her silently with her arms crossed over her chest, that same worried look that Brittany had in her eyes now in hers.
"Okay, what's going on?" Quinn finally asked after Santana's third sip.
They had moved to the couch now, Santana on one end sitting so stiffly while Quinn was on the other. Santana had yet to make eye contact, just stared down in her glass like all the answers to life's questions were floating in bourbon.
The more she drank, the shittier she felt.
"Santana?" Quinn said a little more forcefully, "You're freaking me out. You didn't kill anyone, right?"
Santana let out a lone chuckle at that and took another sip. She stared at her glass and swirled the liquid around as she voiced some of her thoughts, "Brittany said she loves me."
"Okay?" Quinn drawled out, confused, "not really new info there."
"No, I mean.." Santana stopped short and thought. She knew what she wanted to say and even though it's Quinn and she had nothing to worry about she was scared.
"Just tell me." Quinn said and looked at her hesitantly; they had been friends for so long, always so in sync, that she could tell more was happening behind the scenes.
Santana let out a tired sigh and slumped back against the couch.
That forbidden thing that she had buried so deep inside of her came rushing to the surface and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't put it back in its place. It was like it was wearing bright flashing lights and all the signs pointed to it for every question she had. She hated how she was bursting at the seams with this secret she tried so hard to deny; voicing her thoughts made it a reality and hiding from it made her feel guilty.
She hurt and she didn't know how long she could keep up the act. Keeping everything hidden, pent up inside of her, it slowly killed Santana.
So she sat up straight and downed the last bit of bourbon left in her glass. She didn't want to be a coward. She didn't want this thing to overtake her, like this secret controlled her life. In a way, it kind of did already. As the alcohol settled low in her belly, she looked to Quinn determined.
She was taking back control of her life.
"I'm…" Santana stared at Quinn with her lips parted, waiting for the next word to tumble out, "I-I'm…"
The word was stuck there, like something was caught in her throat, suffocating her. She felt the lump as she swallowed to try again, but all that did was made her eyes water.
Santana hated herself for this. How could she be so silly to think she could finally say something she's spent so long repressing? She couldn't let herself think of the possibility that it was true let alone say the damn word.
Before Santana could stop it, she choked out one lone sob and completely broke down.
Quinn was there and let Santana cry it out on her shoulder as she held her close, rocking her from side to side like Brittany would've. She didn't say a word though, no shushing noises or whispers of how it'll be okay because unlike Brittany, Quinn knew that sometimes it wasn't going to be okay. She just held Santana like she was trying to hold all the pieces of her together.
Santana mumbled through broken sobs against Quinn's shoulder, hot tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried to start over, "I-I-I'm…I-I'm-"
"I know." Quinn finally whispered as she moved her hand to the back of Santana's head, "It's okay. I know."
When Santana finally settled down, she and Quinn were both resting back against the couch. Through a few sniffles, Santana rolled away from Quinn's shoulder and looked to the ceiling, blinking away the sting in her eyes.
"How long have you known?" Santana asked, her voice hoarse from crying. She kept her eyes on the ceiling.
Quinn did the same, "I've had my suspicions." Santana felt her shrug as she folded her hands in her lap, "It wasn't until last year that I really found out."
Santana looked over with her brow raised.
"Remember when we had 4am Cheerios practice? You and Brittany would spend the night so we could all ride together in the morning." Quinn started to laugh, "I don't remember either of you being restless sleepers and I've known you two a long time but I do remember there being a sudden influx in rustling sheets. I don't know if you guys thought you were being quiet or that you forgot I'm a light sleeper or whatever.."
"Oh my God.." Santana grumbled and hid her burning cheeks in her hands
"It was even funnier when you tried using the excuse that my ass was getting so big that I was taking up all the room on the bed so you and Britt just had to sleep on the floor," Quinn teased, "When really you guys just wanted the extra room to-"
"Okay!" Santana gasped, "Okay, you've known for awhile.."
Quinn just grinned her all-knowing smile.
Santana rolled her eyes and folded her arms protectively over her chest, "Shut up."
As they lulled into another silence, Quinn looked over at Santana who had her eyes glued to the ceiling again , "You know I still love you right? Obviously not like that but you know what I mean."
That made Santana smile but she continued to look up.
"I know you and I don't really say these type of things to each other but maybe we should start. I care about you and I'm here for you, okay? I want you to know that."
Quinn watched Santana start to wring her hands in her lap, a nervous habit she had seen so many times. Santana sighed as she closed her eyes and ducked her head, "I don't get it."
Quinn looked at her with furrowed brows.
"She could have anyone, Q. Anyone! But she settles for me?" Santana shook her head at herself, "She needs someone to be proud of loving her. She needs…she needs someone else."
Quinn didn't know what to say. Normally Santana was so full of herself, so confident that it was borderline narcissistic. She had never seen this version of her before, a version that doubted herself. So she just sat there and listened.
The hands on the old grandfather clock were lined up at half pass five when they finally made it up to Quinn's room. She tossed Santana some clothes she could sleep in then crawled into bed.
Once Santana was changed and settled on her side of the bed, she checked her phone. She had completely forgotten about it after arriving and checked the only new text message that mattered.
From Britt 4:06am - Are you still sleeping here?
From Britt 4:57am - Goodnight
A new lump formed as Santana read the words over and over again, imagining Brittany's face, the hurt written all over it from how she had left things. She contemplated if she should reply now that it was almost 6am. She knew Brittany had to be worried though especially having left her texts unanswered for two hours.
She tried to think of something good to say, something that could somehow make up for how she acted but there were only two words that kept popping up.
To Britt 5:59am - I'm sorry.
She let out a deep sigh after sending the message off and set her phone back down on the nightstand. She was tired and her eyes burned from crying but she knew sleep wouldn't come so easily. For Quinn's sake, she kept still although her mind was restless.
Not that it helped because Quinn sensed everything. She too kept still, her eyes even stayed closed as she spoke, "You are who you are, Santana, and you love who you love, so if you love her too then you have to let her know."
Santana didn't say anything, just rolled her words around in her head until she finally tired herself out.
When she woke a few hours later, Quinn was nowhere in sight. She figured she was already down stairs probably downing her second cup of tea, so she got up and changed back into what she wore last night. Thankfully it wasn't anything too scandalous.
Downstairs Santana found that she was right about Quinn. The blonde was curled up in a thick wool blanket with a book in her lap and a cup of tea sitting on the arm of her recliner. The creaking of the stairs jolted Quinn from her reading and blinked up at Santana.
"There's coffee in the kitchen."
Santana nodded and headed in that direction. She went through the motions of her usual routine but her mind was still focused on Brittany and everything Quinn said last night and that one thing.
Back in the living room, Quinn had set her book aside and now had her cup cradled in both hands. Santana joined her on the couch and mirrored her, blowing swirls of steam from her mug.
"So Britt texted me." Quinn said, finally breaking the silence, "She wanted to know if I had talked to you."
"You tell her?" Santana asked and Quinn nodded, "I don't know what to do, Q. I don't know how it got this bad. I-I don't want to hurt her anymore."
"Well it's simple." Quinn stated as she put her cup down and turned to her, "You either love her or you don't. Do you?"
Santana sat silently then dropped her shoulders and sighed, "I do. I-I do love her."
"Then there you go."
Santana felt the anger bubble up and she tightened her fists, "I can't just tell Brittany that I'm in love with her. It's not that easy! If I did, then what? Are we somehow supposed to live happily ever after? No one will fuck with us or egg our house or whatever dumb shit these hicks here can come up with? You've seen what happened to Kurt! I-I don't want that for Brittany…I don't want that for us."
"So that's it?" Quinn quipped, "You're just going to live the rest of your life in fear of what could happen?"
"No, I'm going to suck it up until I'm out of this dump and I can be whoever I want to be!"
"That's ridiculous." Quinn scoffed, "Kurt was bullied because people here are close minded and ignorant, but it has been months since anything remotely bad has happened."
Santana just bit her bottom lip and shook her head.
"I get that you're scared." Quinn started again in a softer tone, "I know it's not the same but I remember the talk and the looks from when I was pregnant. It's scary, but I got pass it and I know you can too. You're not alone in this. You just- you can't make a decision like blowing it off until you graduate without talking anything through with Brittany first. This affects her too."
Santana knew Quinn was right. She had been so caught up in her feelings and thoughts that she forgot to put herself in Brittany's position too. She left her there on that roof and never looked back, how do you do that to someone you love? There's been times when Santana was a complete dick but Brittany, without fail, always stood by her side. How could she be such an idiot and treat her like this?
"I've got to see her." Santana said suddenly and stood up.
She rushed to the coat rack where Quinn had hung her jacket and slipped into it as she stuffed her feet in her boots. She didn't even bother to tie her laces as she waved goodbye to Quinn and bolted for her car. She typed a quick text to Brittany asking if she could come over.
On the short ride over to Brittany's, Santana blasted music trying to distract her mind from thinking of what she was about to do. She sang at the top of her lungs and let the wind blow through her hair despite it still being so cold out. She barely put her car in park when she pulled up to Brittany's house. Brittany still hasn't texted Santana back yet but she knew she probably deserved the silent treatment. She ran for the front door and knocked until her knuckles ached.
"Hey…you!" Mr. Pierce greeted. He had a bright green sweat band around his head and a matching fitted t shirt with shorts that could've been a couple inches longer. He was bouncing on his toes with a dumbbell in one hand, "What's up?"
Surprisingly Santana ignored his usually eccentricities and cut right to the chase, "Is Brittany home?"
Pierce shook his head and pumped his weight, "Afraid not. She left pretty early this morning."
"Any idea where she went?"
"How would I know?" Pierce shrugged and pumped again, "I'm a cool dad, I don't ask."
Santana sighed, "Okay. Thanks Mr. Pierce."
Back in the car, Santana paused to think of where Brittany could be. She checked her phone again but just as she suspected, no new messages. Rather than sit, she put her car in drive and drove around looking. She checked the coffee shop, the studio where Britt practiced at sometimes, the old playground with the swings, and even her favorite bakery, the one across the street from some flower shop that was the only place in town that sold cronuts.
Santana continued to call and text but everything went unanswered. She pulled over again and thought long and hard about where Brittany could be.
When it finally came to her she wanted to kick herself because it was so obvious.
As she pulled into the student parking lot and spotted Brittany's Prius, Santana sighed and wondered why she didn't think of this before.
No matter how much trash talking she did or how hard she tried to play off that she hated Glee club, it really did make her feel safe. As Santana walked pass the empty football field, glancing under the empty bleachers, she knew that she wasn't the only one that felt that way about Glee.
Santana bypassed the locker rooms because now she was certain where Brittany would be.
It wasn't Spanish class where they passed their first notes.
It wasn't the cafeteria where they held pinkies in line.
It wasn't even the gym where they spent too long stealing glances at one another warming up before Cheerios practice.
Santana headed right for the choir room, catching a glimpse of Brittany from the tiny window in the door.
"Hi." Santana greeted, her voice just above a whisper, as she ducked into the room.
Brittany was sitting in her usual spot with her fingers wedged beneath her thighs. She looked to Santana, pretty blue eyes now dull and tired. The corner of her mouth twitched at a smile but she averted her eyes to the ground, "Hey."
Santana swallowed hard and took a shaky step closer, "I've been looking for you."
"I've just been here." Brittany shrugged, "Just thinking."
"Okay." Santana nodded and took a seat next to the blonde.
She felt a little tingle with how close Brittany was and ached to hold her. She could see how broken Brittany was and hated how she was the reason.
Santana took a deep breath, "I'm sorry for last night."
Brittany bit her lip and inhaled deeply too, "It's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you."
Santana shook her head and looked to her, "You didn't."
Brittany turned to her too, eyes brimming with tears and her lip trembling, "It's okay if you don't love me back. I've been waiting and I thought if I showed you it was okay to love me too then you would, but I didn't think about if I was wrong. Like maybe I'm supposed to just be the girl version of Sam or Finn or Puck to you? Only being there when you need to get off, no feelings, no love, no anything. I didn't realize that was who I'm supposed to be but I do now so It's okay." Tears began to roll down Brittany's cheeks, her hands quickly coming up to brush them away, "It's okay. It's okay."
She repeated the words over and over again to Santana but it sounded like it was more so meant for her. It hurt Santana to see Brittany that way, repeating the same two words like she did with her own two. It hurt her even more that Brittany thought that way about herself, like she didn't matter or mean anything.
"Stop, Britt, just stop." Santana mumbled through her tears and pushed away Brittany's hands. She rested her palms against Brittany's warm skin, her thumbs wiping away the tears that still came though her eyes were squeezed shut, "Look at me, B. I want you to look at me when I say this to you."
Brittany was hesitant at first but she was too tired to fight anymore and slumped in Santana's hands. She blinked open and stared back into Santana's soft brown eyes.
"You mean more to me than anyone else in this entire world and I'm sorry I haven't made that clear. You are nothing like Sam or Finn or Puck, not even close. You are thoughtful and beautiful and so kind and I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve your love. I really don't think I do."
"Wait, if I don't say everything now I never will." Santana stopped her as she wiped away the last of Brittany's tears and pulled away to hold her hands, "I'm so in love with you Brittany S. Pierce. I love everything about you and I wish I was brave enough to show you that. I'm scared as hell and I don't know what I'm doing but.." Santana paused, thinking of the right words to say, what she really wanted, "I've made so many mistakes and I've got so many things I need to work out. But I want you to know that at the end of the day, no matter what, I want it to be me and you. I want us to be together and if you're okay with working on that with me then that would be great."
Brittany was speechless, just stared at Santana in a daze, as a smile began to form, "You really mean that?"
Santana nodded, a smile forming too.
Brittany bounced in her seat and wrapped her arms around Santana, holding her tight as she kissed her deeply. They melted together just as they did on the roof except the love and happiness Santana felt overcame the fear that dictated her life for too long. She finally surrendered and reveled in all that was Brittany.
Breathless, Santana pulled away just an inch, "This isn't going to be easy, Britt. It'll be hard and it won't always be sunshine and rainbows. So if you want to change your mind, I'd understand."
Brittany just giggled and pressed her lips back against Santana's, once, twice, three times. She leaned away, eyes gleaming with unbridled happiness, and ran the tips of her fingers along Santana's cheek, "I'm not going anywhere."