Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny!

Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!

Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D

Feedback: Ah go on!

Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take its coat and mittens, these February days are cold!

Set: Very AU but around Tabula Rasa.

Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!

Disclaimer: I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya? (where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)

Joan ran swiftly through the graveyard in pursuit of that pesky vampire up ahead. She shouted after the mean vamp,

"HEY! Hey, Mr.! Where do you think you're going?! Come back here!" she threw the axe in her hand which flew through the air and hit the vampire, cutting it's head off. "Ooh neat! Oh. Guess you can't come back now" she said, disappointed.

Suddenly she heard a noise behind her and she whirled round, losing her balance and falling straight into the arms of

"RANDY!" flustered, she fell to the ground and gasped. Randy looked down at her in a very manly way, and crouched next to her

"Hey beautiful, need a hand?" he said manfully offering her a hand.

Joan looked coyly down at the ground, and blushed. She took his manfully outstretched hand and he pulled her up. She flushed at being so close to his manly muscles. Her hands placed so delicately on those firm abs…*concentrate*

He gently brushed her hair from her face and raised her chin so she was looking up at him. She saw herself reflected in those clear blue eyes and heard music swelling and her heart fill with love for Randy. Randy?

The music died.

She pulled herself away and brushed imaginary dirt from her pristine clothes.

"Where was I? Oh yes…" she walked over to the axe, now lying embedded in the grass. She pulled it out with ease and slung it over her shoulder.

"Bloody hell!" came the startled cry from behind her. Joan turned quickly and saw Randy crouched on the floor with a less than manful tuft of hair clutched in his hand,

"Oh! Oh I'm so sorry Randy! I didn't realise you were there!"

To her horror, un-manful tears welled up in Randy's eyes,

"Yeah well, its always the way isn't it? You never notice I'm there…always making with the puppy dog eyes at that fool Riley… just because he has big macho muscles and I… I could never compare to that…" he sniffed and stared up at her with a hurt look in his eyes

"Oh…Randy! It's not anything to with Riley. Really, Randy. You know I rely on you. You're my rock. You're rock-hard!" she smiled, pleased at her little joke.

Randy looked startled, and flustered. "I didn't realise it was so obvious" he mumbled as he pulled the tweed jacket tightly around his manful crotch.

Joan stared blankly at him for a minute, then her eyes slowly drifted down to his crotch,

"OH! No, no… I didn't mean… oh… Ew!" she looked grossed out for a moment then suddenly confused, and then hopeful "Really?" she looked coyly at him.

Randy stared at her, "well… duh. Isn't it obvious?" she shook her head shyly, then they both froze.

Randy manfully leant over her and turned his head slightly, closing his eyes, and closing the gap between them. Joan closed her own eyes and leant forward slightly. Their lips met and they smooched for a while. They broke apart after a considerable amount of time,

"Oh Randy…" she breathed

"Joan…Joan…" he replied. They both stopped.

"Joan…Bloody hell… Couldn't she think of a better name? Bloody hell…"

They smiled awkwardly at another and said at the same time

"Randy… it's a lovely…"

"Joan… That's an unusual…"

Suddenly they were interrupted by a vampire. He broke quickly out of the ground beneath them, grabbing at Joan's ankle as he scrambled from the grave

She screamed. Loudly.

"Oh god! Randy! Help me! Help me! For the love of god help me!"

"It's ok Joan, I'm coming!" he ran up to her and manfully pulled her out of the clutches of the evil vampire. He grabbed a handily pointy tree branch lying next to the grave and stabbed the vampire. Right in the shoulder.

"No! No Randy! In the heart! The heart!"

"Oh. Damnit!" he grasped the branch and stabbed wildly for the vampire again, this time his aim was true, and the vampire exploded into a thousand particles of dust.

Joan stood and rushed into his waiting arms "oh thank you, thank you so much, I was so scared! I don't care if you're got a stupid name, you saved my life!"

Randy froze (manfully)

"What did you say?"

Btw, I adore Spike/Randy…whatever…he is the epitome of gorgeousity, its just for amusement purposes that I take the piss… Dawn on the other hand…well…I wouldn't say no to giving her a couple of punches… *manic grin*

Hehe! Ok, so I was amused, but was anyone else? Is it worth carrying on? Come on, there's a lovely button just waiting to be pressed down there… *ooh… review… review…* what was that? Hmm…strange voices… you'd better do what they say! :D

Dork with a Fork

xxx