This fic is not meant to offend
WARNING: much Dawn, Angel and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some. It's not smutty per se… but there are definite innuendos and mentionings of smutty topics!
Not mine. Wish it was. Spike…mmm… That's all I have to say. :D
Oh! And italics are generally thoughts!
I'm trying to write this again seriously… (obviously not seriously…that would be silly in a parody…) and I had my first exam today (only 5 left!) so gimme some leeway ok :D chars!
Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody
After a while, Joan got bored of the waiting, so she shoved Angel and Riley into a postbox (that's a "mailbox" to you American types), made her excuses to the others and walked back to Buffy's house.
Anya scurried off to find Rupert, Willow and Tara went back to the Magic Box, and Alex went to talk to Angel and Riley through the letterbox slot.
Ikandy, obviously, skulked after Joan.
Joan let herself in through the window, resolving to find a bag that looked as if it could be hers and grab some keys. She began to wander through the house, trying to familiarise herself with it in order to bring back some memories. This didn't work, although she did manage to find the fridge and work the toaster…
She started climbing the stairs, munching thoughtfully on her pop-tart, when suddenly a voice broke through the silence permeating the house.
"Buffy? Is that you? Is Dawn with you?"
Joan froze. She hadn't considered that anyone else might be there.
Joan frantically scoured her mind, looking for some semblance of logic.
"Er…er…well…um…it's a woman's voice… that's a start right? Right… think Joan! Think! Ok. She doesn't sound room-mate-y, and she asked about the evil one, which either means she knows who she is OR…she doesn't… And she's here… and so am I…"
"Buffy? Is that you?" The voice sounded more scared now.
"And I'm what? Twenty? So I can't still be living at home… she must be… my LANDLADY! That's it! and I must have been keeping Umad here for questioning, passing her off as some kind of relative! That's it!"
"Uh… Hello ma'am, don't worry, I'm back now. Uh… Umad! Say umad! DAWN'S with me, but she's uh… tired. Night! You go back to sleep lady."
"Phew! Think I pulled that one off alright!"
"Buffy? What's wrong? Why are you acting so strangely, darling?" The voice was fainter now, as though the woman was retreating…perhaps searching for a heavy object.
"SHIT! Please don't tell me I'm her bitch!"
"Shit I really am… how can I deal with this? I'll just have to tell her I'm not that kind of girl, and I'll have to pay my rent some other way."
Joan took a few more steps up the stairs wondering how to sort the situation out to a conclusion which wouldn't be too painful for anyone. She reached the landing and stared down the row of closed doors.
Suddenly there was a bright flash like lightning – but inside, and Joan fell face first into the carpet (dropping her pop-tart, I might add.)
A moment later she raised her head, spitting out little bits of white fluff and wondering what the hell just happened. Her first thought was to make sure her pop-tart was ok. Don't worry, it was, just a bit…fluffy…
She glanced around furtively, checking no-one could see her, before blowing the dust off it and preparing to take a bite.
"Alright, pet?" came a manly voice from behind. Joan jumped and once again the pop-tart flew through the air.
"CURSE YOU! Pesky kids…" muttered Joan, mourning the loss of the sweet, sweet pop-tart. "What're you doing here, anyway?" She snapped, still grumpy about her food.
"Came to see if you were alright love" Ikandy said manfully, grasping Joan's hand tightly as he effortlessly lifted her from the ground and against his throbbing… er… pecs…
"God you're Randy! I mean… your name was…" Joan mumbled as she shifted slightly against Ikandy projecting "pecs", "have you seen my bedroom in your present incarnation?" Joan asked innocently, instantly forgetting the strange voice she'd heard earlier.
"Er…no…" Ikandy lied, pressing himself even closer to Joan. She grinned wickedly and dragged him through the door before pushing him over on the bed and leaping on top of him.
A muffled cry of "bloody hell!" was heard before some other noises emerged, which it would not be appropriate for me to put on here looks motherly-ly down over half-moon glasses that I don't have
An hour later they emerged, panting from beneath the bedclothes. Joan suddenly remembered the voice, and wondered what the woman must have thought of the extremely loud ruckus they'd just been making. She got up and threw a silk kimono over her naked skin, and peered cautiously around the door.
Perhaps she didn't hear us Joan thought to herself.
"Yeah and maybe the Pope's Catholic, love" chuckled an extremely manly voice from behind her.
"I said, 'and maybe the Pope's Catholic…' it's not so funny when you repeat it…" Ikandy muttered, muffled as he lit a cigarette.
Joan threw him an immensely confused look and stalked out into the hallway. She stared at one door that she recognised as being the teenager's room and hastily pushed it open.
No-one there. Just a cutesy little room belonging to a sickly teenager. Glancing around it Joan saw a picture of Umad and felt bile rising in her throat as she remembered the woman's voice calling them sisters.
She clamped her eyes tightly shut as she took some deep breaths, waiting for the sick feeling to disperse. It eventually did and she closed the door, wanting to forget that horrific woman's comment.
She leant against the door, and suddenly there was a muffled bump from somewhere inside.
She whipped around and hurled the door open, before reeling back in shock.
It was completely different. Dust covered everything. Paintings were stacked together as though they had been left there for a very long time. The room was dark, and had the neglected, disused feeling that rooms get when they're left for a long time without anyone in them.
By this time Joan was getting quite freaked out. Also pissed off. She was apparently some woman's bitch, Umad's room wasn't Umad's room anymore and most importantly; she'd lost her pop-tart. Could the day get any worse? Answer: No. This is not an angst fic.
Joan slammed the door closed again and shook her head to clear the fuzzy confusion threatening to take over.
Ikandy chose this moment to wander out of her bedroom, fully naked with a cigarette hanging casually from the corner of his mouth.
"Fancy a pop-tart, love?" He asked casually, heading for the stairs. Joan could only grin, blissfully.
Ikandy slapped her on the bottom as he walked past, grinning happily to himself.
"Huge…" Joan thought.
Thought that was a nice place to end it :D Appropriate somehow… Exams are done totally now (yes it took me two weeks to do this chapter :P) and the next one will hopefully be up before I go on holiday (which is the 11th July until the 5th August… So I'm very sorry but you'll be without an update for a good four weeks :( ) But this is an update! So let's be cheery about that! Yay! Update-yness! Also, double yayness, I could possibly have a plot now! Woo! …Not that I was just scribbling crazy drivel before now… cough …
Cynthia – Thanks so much! I do my best, but unfortunately I am a little slow on the updates! I'm glad you're all for the British humour, me too :D
Wolf116 - :D Love it! Anything to make Angel and Riley look more stupid than they already do! (Hard I know ;) ) Damnit. That would be really interesting… Unfortunately that's not the case… although if my current idea doesn't work out it could well become the plot! Lol!
Now that's not as many reviews as there should be! Come on people, show your appreciation for Angel and Riley looking stupid! Or Naked Spike! Come on! You can't ignore the Naked Spike! Just imagine he's looking up at you from that little button there "ooh…come on loves, review…ooh…" …he'd say… cough
Clicky clicky :)