Disclaimer: The following fanfic is a political satire.

Since this is my first Mass Effect fanfic, I thought I'd the explore the idea of the First Contact War's events being inspired by the 2016 Election, given its results and the events that occurred from there. Luckily, I found someone who helped me out writing this fanfic, so kudos to TutorVeritatis from DeviantArt and Dr. Compass.

I do not own Mass Effect. Bioware does.


This was the best chance she had to cast her vote, now that it was Election Day.

While Joker was busy taking a shower this morning, Robin Shepard took her time to brush her short brown hair before tying it into a half ponytail. She then put on her seashell hair clip and put on her seashell necklace before she set off to brew a batch of coffee in the kitchen. Once she got the coffee maker started, she turned on her datapad and scrolled to the news app. Once again, she found another article where the candidate she intended to vote against, Toby Dunn, still insisted that voter fraud was real. But, Robin didn't even know anyone who would commit such an astronomical crime. Other humans watching or reading news reacted similarly or vastly different. Many comments on the article patronized and glowered at the blowhard candidates' statement, believing them without checking their validity. Other comments stated counter evidence which caused many personal attacks and threats of rape and worse.

Agents of the salarian STG were tasked to watch and make risk assessments, ordered by several Dalatrass. Asari similarly worried but had a smaller group in support of the candidate. Turians leaned more so in the middle ground despite the xenophobia caused by the campaign.

Citadel non-council races had their own breakdowns of support, fear, or anger. A few prominent hanaar preachers spoke out against it. Volus entertained the thought of a freer open market but feared an isolation as well. Drell were mostly silent throughout, though a few entertained some direct action against the candidate, viewing the rhetoric as something evil. Even elcor made their opinions known with a few stating their displeasure.

In the meantime, Robin returned her focus to her coffee maker, even if it was halfway done. She took this chance to ransack the freezer for toaster scrambles. When she found a couple toaster scrambles filled with eggs, sausage and cheese, she popped them into the toaster. Seconds later, Joker arrived in the kitchen, his hair still wet from the shower.

"Smells good," Joker commented, "anything new?"

Robin turned her head in Joker's direction.

"Apparently, Mr. Dumnut hasn't given up lying yet," Robin explained.

"Toby has nuts? Never tried dumnuts, sounds bad."

Returning to the main room of their apartment, Joker seated himself on a barstool opposite the kitchen. He retrieved his own datapad, starting to scroll, ending up reading the funnies instead. Robin shook her head in disbelief before she checked on the coffee maker again.

"That's the nickname I made up for our opposing candidate," Robin clarified, her smile soft across her freckled face.

By now, the coffee maker finished, so Robin grabbed her favorite mug from the cabinet and poured herself some coffee. Joker poured himself coffee then cereal, eating while reading comics. Most days he didn't know what to do with himself without a ship to pilot, except when visiting a race. A few buddies of his in motorpool said when he bought a ride they'll modify it for extra performance. Robin grabbed the toaster scrambles and slabbed them onto her plate before she sat down and ate her breakfast. During that time, she checked her message and found one from Kasumi:

{Shepard? After the Election, would you and Joker like to play Cards Against Humanity?}

Robin didn't respond, but Joker nodded in agreement, his mouth full of cereal. He had to drink coffee to wash it down. By the time they finished breakfast, they figured they should leave the apartment. Joker had been clamoring about driving, yet Robin still suggested taking her car.

"So, do you know who you're voting for today?" Joker asked.

"I'm pretty sure we would get busted if we announced our candidates out loud," Robin reminded.

Joker sighed as he scratched his head before slipping his cap on. They hopped into their car and Robin drove down the street, reading the lanes she was familiar with to turn at a few corners before they found the voting poll. There, they could see it was full almost to the point of bursting. Most of the parking space had been packed, so Robin and Joker had to settle in a parking spot at the far end. They reached the building, but they still had to wait in line for an hour before they reached a stand. To access the polls, they flashed their IDs to the staff because apparently, the state they lived in required an ID to vote which was unnecessary. Robin went first, so she read the list of candidates carefully. Using the stylus she picked up from its slot, she filled in the tick mark labelling the Coffee Party before selecting the candidates affiliated with it, including their presidential candidate Imogen Wallace. There weren't enough candidates to satisfy her vote, so she included some independent party candidates while deliberately avoiding the candidates of the Golf Party. Once she finished, she waited for Joker to cast his vote and meet up with her outside the building.

"So, are we done here?" Joker chirped.

"Let's hope the results don't end in bloodshed," Robin shrugged.

Robin and Joker hopped into their car and left the voting poll. They figured that they could go to the theater since they have yet to see the newest movie Joker had been clamoring to see for the past couple of months.

Later that evening, Kasumi invited Robin, Joker, Kaidan, Ashley and Jack over for the game of Cards Against Humanity. They were still nervous about the election, so they had the news on to keep themselves updated on the results. Still, it was a good distraction to come up with the most ridiculous answers from the questions the card provided, with the gang taking turns playing the card czar. Kasumi still kept her expression straight in the gameplay while Kaidan raided the fridge for any frozen pizzas. While he pulled one out and started heating it in the oven, Robin took interest in a headline announcing an update involving the first contact.

{…Whether or not who wins the election this year, the Citadel has agreed to hold a meeting one month after Inauguration…}

Robin snapped out of her thoughts and turned her attention to the deck of cards in her hand. Once she read the black card on display, she picked out one of her white cards and placed it on the table. While waiting, she rubbed her forehead, which caught Jack's attention.

"Hey, you ok, Robin?" Jack called over.

Shepard stiffened and shifted her gaze at Jack.

"I-I was just thinking," blurted Robin, "if we don't end up having a war, I thought I'd take you guys traveling through space."

Kaidan let out a scoff.

"Yeah, right," Kaidan objected, "we don't have that amount of credits to pull that off. You'll need to be rich or enlist in the Alliance to do that, remember?"

Robin folded her arms and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Well, thanks for killing the mood!"

Joker placed his card on the table, allowing Jack to read the choices.

"Let's see," Jack said, "I got 99 problems, but teaching a robot to love ain't one."

Ashley and Robin couldn't help but laugh at the option, but that didn't interrupt Jack while she continued.

"The Care Bear Stare ain't one," Jack continued, "the plot of a Michael Bay movie, a dwarf who won't leave you alone until you compare penis sizes, sexy pillow fights…"

Some of the entries elicited laughter out of the gang, but Jack recuperated long enough to confirm Kasumi's pick.

"Damn it," Kaidan grumbled, "I thought my Michael Bay choice was funny."

Joker placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"Hey, it'll be fine," Joker cooed in an attempt to console Kaidan, but the latter didn't seem impressed.

While Robin pulled out the next black card, Kaidan stood to his feet and stepped into the kitchen to fetch the pizza. Once the gang served themselves some pizza slices, they continued their game throughout the night.

But, by the time midnight drew closer, Ashley and Kaidan already cleaned up the mess while Robin still remained up to date with the political news. At that time, the others have crashed for the night. Kaidan knelt down and placed his hand on Robin's shoulder, catching her attention.

"What?"

"Don't stay up too late, ok?" Kaidan advised.

Robin shrugged and returned her attention to the news while Kaidan and Ashley searched for a place to sleep. While the Coffee Party seemed to take an early lead over the course of the night, but all of a sudden, Robin stiffened when she noticed the Golf Party took the lead and kept it.

This could be a nightmare in its beginning stages.

The following morning, after they fetched their breakfast bars from the pantry, Kaidan, Ashley and Jack left Kasumi's apartment, yet Robin was still asleep on the couch. Joker wanted to wake her up, but he had yet to come up with a way to do so. However…

"Don't disturb her," Kasumi warned Joker, "you hear?"

Joker stiffened from Kasumi's stinging words, but he didn't even move from his seat. Minutes later, he stood to his feet and stepped into the kitchen for a cup of coffee while Kasumi stepped into the living room. No one paid attention to how long she waited, but Robin soon stirred from her sleep.

"Guys?" Robin whispered, "sorry to disappoint you, but the Golf Party stacked the deck against us."

Kasumi placed her hand on Robin's forehead.

"We already knew," she replied.

Robin sat up on the couch before she yawned, stretching her arms to the side before tilting her head in Kasumi's direction.

"Where is everyone?" Robin asked.

Kasumi shook her head.

"They already left," she answered.

Robin was almost tempted to slump back into the couch, but the smell of still fresh coffee prevented that. Kasumi plopped on the couch by Robin and, cat-like, snuggled up against the girl. It's almost silly how cat like the woman could be. This is merely a brief hug to let Robin know she shared her disappointment, and also because the cat lady enjoyed hugs. She let go after a time then joined her friends for coffee.

"I'm kinda suspecting foul play last night," Robin assumed, "do you guys have any thoughts on that?"

"The Coffee's had a good lead going but it was gone so fast I couldn't believe it was entirely legitimate," Kasumi nodded.

Kasumi brought out her omni-tool and scrolled through the news feeds she used as reliable sources.

"A lot of comments are calling foul, too. I bet you they'll find the popular vote was ours, but Golf got the electors," Kasumi continued.

Joker stiffened upon hearing Kasumi's little speech.

"Now I'm starting to get the creeps," he muttered.

Still, Robin lowered her head.

"I still don't think a war with the aliens is necessary," she said.

"It shouldn't be, have you seen pictures of them? Salarians are like salamanders," Kasumi replied, keeping a calm attitude, "turians, asari, really all of them are interesting. I really want to meet them."

Robin nodded in agreement.

"Me, too!" Robin chirped, "I would love to shake hands with the Turian Primarch!"

Of course, Kasumi had a thing for non-furry creatures, thus she took interest in anything with scales or whatever breathed through their skin. Once they finished their coffee, Robin and Joker took their car back to their apartment while Kasumi stepped through her apartment and reached the door to her office. A biometric sensor detected her presence, activating systems and starting her computer…a custom built optical solid state drive 360 aerogel display, with enough RAM to compete with military SI units. The unit's Interactive Synthetic Intelligence Avatar appeared atop a projection pedestal; also custom made, the figure dressed like a samurai but appeared to be a mixed race.

{Good morning, Kasumi-san, what may I help you with today?}

She smirked and cracked her knuckles.

"Isiah-san, we have work to do."

Kasumi brought up her omni-tool and scrolled to the news feeds covering the results of the election.

"Have you uncovered anything else involving the new President-elect?" Kasumi asked.

Isiah nodded.

{Presently I am breaching several low-level firewalls with modulating algorithms, but I will not spy into the information, merely leave a code which forwards any pertinent data into a cloud server which can be accessed publicly. A follow-up program will load the data onto multiple other public servers in several countries, before returning here. Presently I am sorting through financial records, a few have piqued the criteria for Stinking Pile of Shit.}

The data appeared on the display around Kasumi's head, she was now able to manipulate anything found within.

"Thank you," Kasumi smiled, "I'll look into it."


Over the course of the remainder of the year, Robin and her friends kept up to date on the aftermath of the election, which included cringing at hearing people loyal to the Golf Party calling liberals lazy crybabies. They even picked up news feeds of rising hate crimes against the Citadel Council races stationed on Earth, which sparked outrage from those affiliated with the Coffee Party apart from the Citadel.

When Christmas Eve drew closer, Robin and Kaidan met up at the local market. They could see some families browsing the stalls while some of the alien families kept vigilant for any bigots. Kaidan weighed two fruits in each hand, looking for defects of any kind. He seemed so engrossed in the act of judging it seemed like the fruits were on trial for their features, especially since he was planning to prepare Ashley's favorite fruit salad. Robin, on the other hand, browsed the herb shelf in search of the parsley Joker needed for what he could be whipping up in the kitchen. She didn't pay attention to a krogan youngling scurrying after its favorite toy as it rolled down the hall.

Without warning, somebody tripped the krogan youngling. It started crying, and people laughed. The mother came barreling through the crowd pushing people aside. Unfortunately, plenty were getting this on video with omni-tools or old smart phones. The mother lifted her child, holding them protectively, and roared at the offenders.

Robin snapped out of her thoughts upon hearing the commotion.

"Huh?" she blurted.

Robin tilted her head and spotted the krogan mother holding her child in a protective stance. The commotion also stirred Kaidan from his thoughts.

"Crap!" exclaimed Kaidan.

Kaidan set down the fruits but not immediately going over to aid.

"Should we help? I mean, a krogan is a krogan after all, they're not pushovers. Especially one who is a mother, due to the difficulties their people live with…"

Someone else answered that question. A figure around Shepard's height, a male, sidled up to the krogan mother, spoke to her and calmed both mother and child. This gave Robin and Kaidan a sense of relief.

"I still can't believe there are idiots out there who would do that!" Robin commented.

The intervention of the stranger seemed to enrage the hecklers. One threw a bottle of large proportions, filled with liquid, but the man caught it without his hands. An aura appeared around him like a mirage. It intensified, and the bottle began to crack, shatter, and crumble into dust.

The biotic let his field go and stared down the group of thugs. They left, after throwing slurs of "psychic freak" and "alien lover".

The man bid the mother a farewell, then walked away in the direction of Alenko and Robin. When close enough they could see he was in the military, a tattoo bearing a unit mark, and a title.

Vanguard.

After this brief glance, Kaidan scratched his head.

"I wonder what his issues are," Kaidan muttered to himself.

Robin shook her head.

"I wouldn't put it that way," she replied, "we'd better get what we need and go pay up."

Once the crowd dispersed, Robin and Kaidan continued shopping for some groceries, hoping they would have enough what Ashley and Joker needed for tonight.