5I do not own OUAT. Warning: during the last scene, there is a scene about assault which is kind of ambiguous and can be interpreted as a scene about sexual assault as well.
The first time, being locked up was hopelessness and revenge and her heart racing even though she told it 'it doesn't matter'. This time, it is monotony and unanswered barbs and nightmares. She sleeps, and there are hands reaching from the earth to pull her down, filling her mouth with earth and blood and then there's Daniel's face and she wakes with her heart feeling like it's filled with spikes that ram into its walls with every beat. She is awake, and Maleficent won't answer her questions or react to her accusations so she just paces and thinks and tugs on that damned cuff until her wrist is chafed.
It is six days – she thinks- of these little rituals repeating when she wakes, and she is there. She wakes, and stares right into golden eyes. Anyone else would startle, but Regina has gotten used to them the past 28 years.
" Wolf" she just says, and Red slowly morphs and steps into the light. She keeps her distance, although she shifts like she wants to put her hand through the bars.
" Hey" Red replies. Regina can make out a slight flush to the girl's cheeks in the light.
" Does your master know you are here, little pet?" she says, as cutting and condescending as possible. She sneers as well, staring at Red like she is a cockroach that somehow managed to enter her bedroom. Traitor- no, she is not even that. She is less than that, and I am not weak enough that I valued her.
For a moment, it seems like Red will leave. Her shoulders droop slightly while she grits her teeth, and her fur would probably be standing on end while her ears would be drooping if she were in her other form. But she inhales and then says " She isn't my master. She wa- is friend"
" She uses you for her own selfish purposes. She does not accept your gift, she misuses it and will – "
" Are you talking about yourself now? "Red cuts in
" I accepted your gift, cherished it even"
"But you are- " Regina stares at her for a moment, watch the silent fight that Red is obviously having with herself. " Evil"
" I am not - " she actually falters and there's an odd pain in her chest that almost has her believe Snow would really go the extra mile, and have her heart ripped out. But the little 'pure' princess could never do that, although the little bitch would no doubt find some excuse to justify it. " I am not evil. It is a title I never chose for myself"
Red leans against the wall, chuckling bitterly. " Like that matters. Doesn't change what you did. Doesn't change what you had me do" there's a certain pain, a haunting kind of sort in Red's eyes that Regina has never seen before. Red was always comfortable, trusting and – she wasn't like this around Regina. That is all.
"If that really was not you, you would not have obeyed my commands" Regina says, forcing a smirk. She can't let the wolf know that her odd magic is working, that Regina doesn't feel what she should feel. " You and I are not dissimilar"
" That is what you use to tell me" Red suddenly pushes herself off the wall, and shakes her head. Regina is reminded of a night shortly before the curse started to break. There had been a trip to some village, she doesn't even remember the reason, and they had to stop somewhere in the forest. Red had been out, and she had returned still in wolf form and shaken the rain from her fur. Regina had scolded her and been harsh and unforgiving, but Red still had pressed close to her when she got cold. It had been a good night.
"It is the truth " Regina says
" Okay, but- I am not bad. I am not- what I did during your curse, that's not who I am"
Regina sneers again " Are you just here to assuage your guilt? "
" No "Red says, looking down briefly before meeting Regina's eyes " I am not that stupid"
"Wolf- " Red freezes, in the middle of a departure when Regina lets it slip. She doesn't know why, she just knows she doesn't want her to leave. She tells herself because the girl can be useful to her, can give her things she needs. But a small voice, suspiciously like Cora's, whispers 'weak' regardless of what she tries to tell herself.
" Is this really what you want for yourself? " Red doesn't turn, but Regina knows she's paying the utmost attention. " The – Snow might seem to accept you now, but she is justifying the curse years the way you are. What happens as soon as she figures out that there is an ugly part of you, a part that good and pure Snow White could never understand, much less accept?"
" That won't happen. She loves me- the way I love her" Red turns around slowly, and Regina should feel vindicated at the tears she knows are there even though her once-ally is standing in the shadows. " You don't understand that, but she won't let me down. She never has"
Regina chuckles. " Believe what you wish, my dear. We will discover the truth soon enough"
Red stares at her for a while, before her eyes harden. She's seen that look on her head of guards before. It's the same one she gets before uncooperative villagers, or arrogant royals that look down on Regina. " Yes. We will" she just says, and walks away.
It takes Regina a while to categorize her feelings, the ones that are the cause of her body's rebellion, and as soon as she does, she decides she is wrong and she will never allow herself to feel that. It is weak. It is weak, it is weak, it is weak.
She repeats it in her head until she mutters it in her sleep.
She is alone for a long time after that, and she can't sleep.
( the truth is, she doesn't want to)
She sits pressed against the wall, and paces, and curses in her head, devises curses in her head so foul that she is terrified of the ideas herself, then pushes it down – because she deserves it. Her magic cannot rise up, but it's not silent either. It's as agitated as the rest of her, and it hurts to have it like this. Usually, when there's too much rage and hatred, she can let it out. But now her magic is trapped, and it is punishing her for it. It's a toxic cocktail of entrapped magic, bad memories and worse thoughts and Regina's body feels like several horses ran over it by the time she collapses into sleep.
And wakes up surrounded by fire, heat and ash.
She coughs , long and raspy because of the smoke she inhales with that first startled breath. She blinks furiously, her eyes tearing up already but it takes several seconds before she can see anything. The heat is something she notices last, first because of the sweat she can already feel glide down her back and then because it is burning her cheeks.
It has been a long time since Regina was afraid. Her mother was gone and the king was, too. Her magic could protect her from all else. There was no reason to be afraid, not as soon as she gave in to the thoughts she had and decided to take control off her own life. But now she is afraid. She is confused and her magic won't react and there's fire everywhere.
She feels sixteen again, clutching her bedsheets and trembling because mami was so mad and she promised Regina that she would stop by after dinner ( the dinner Regina hadn't been allowed to had) and she knew what would happen.
That feeling only disappears when the voice speaks again. " Hey, lady?" it calls out hesitantly, and Regina slowly calms.
"Yes, I am here" she answers, her voice thankfully calm and dry, thankfully normal.
" Okay, good. You okay?"
" Once again, I am trapped in a room of fire. Do you believe me to be someone who enjoys that?"
" I meant because of what happened last time" the voice responds and Regina somehow knows the woman is rolling her eyes.
" I am perfectly fine"
" Are you- "
" Are you always prying into other people's lives like this?"
" Yeah, I am kind of always trying this thing – I call it 'basic human decency' . I know it's awful" the woman immediately replies, sounding annoyed but less so than Regina expected. For some reason, she is smiling before she can tell herself the woman is not funny, isn't anything but a thorn in her side.
" Well, you do not have to attempt to be like that around me. I do not need anyone asking asinine questions"
"All right. Fine"
There's a long silence, apart from the sound of the fire. With every second that passes, Regina feels herself become more – she doesn't know what it is exactly. Just that her muscles are tensing and her stomach is kind of acting like there's something toxic in it and her cheeks are flushing from more than just the heat.
" I- " she doesn't know what she would've said, the woman interrupts before she can finish
"You left"
" What an astute observation"
" Gods, you are an asshole " the woman mutters it, but Regina can still hear it and she scoffs and is about to reply when the woman says "How could you leave?"
Regina is about to admonish the woman and answer in the same breath when she realizes she still has no idea what is going on here. Except- " I woke up" she mutters
"What? " the woman laughs and Regina wants to protest because it isn't a happy one and she wants it to be happy and that is ridiculous. " This isn't some dream, lady"
"Not to you" she answers, absent-mindedly. If this is a dream to her, but some sort of curse to the – No. It cannot be. Can it?
" Okay now you're just not making sense anymore"
"What is your name"
"And I was just- why do you want to know?"
" Your name"
" Listen lady, I am starting to think- "
" I could help you" If she is right, she is not even lying. If she is right, Regina is the only one who could help (if pixie dust is right. If an impossibility is actual real).
" I am not giving you my name, what do you want with it?"
The woman is insufferable, but a small part of Regina is also very pleased that she at least doesn't blindly trust people. That's a valuable thing, one Regina wish she had had when she was still a girl in love. " Fine. Are you Emma?"
The woman obviously jumps to her feet and Regina cannot see her, but she knows she is glaring. She can hear it in Emma's voice. " Who the fuck are you?"
" My name is Regina " she almost hesitates to say it, which is ludicrous as well. She doesn't have a true love, Snow is wrong. And if she is not, she refuses to care for Snow's spawn. She refuses to give the woman happiness.
"Fine, Regina. Why do you know my name?"
" Everyone does" they do. As soon as the first cracks in her curse appeared, she had heard whispers of that name. It was everywhere, on the market, on the lips off half-mad men and women and even in her castle.
Emma scoffs. " Great" she mutters, but she sounds less suspicious and Regina tries to ignore her own feelings, her feelings that do not make sense and should not be.
" Are you not overjoyed that the people know and love you?" she asks, then scolds herself for asking such an inane question, something she shouldn't wonder about. She never understood the people's infatuation with this woman's bloodline, not with the look in the king's eyes and the way Snow didn't blink twice as people lost their freedom and their happiness for her.
" No, it's creepy. And I – I don't want any of this shit" Emma exhales slowly. " It's insane, all this people counting on me and all this bullshit that shouldn't be real"
Regina should be overjoyed that the woman seems so reluctant to embrace her destiny, that she doesn't want to be what Snow thinks she should be. It could very well break Snow's heart. But there is that damned understanding, and she whispers " I understand the feeling" before she can stop her weak, pathetic self.
Two weeks living in capture, and two conversations with this person and you are mellowing? She is Snow's spawn, she is someone to despise. She wants that rage, wants to loathe Emma as much as she loathes what Snow has done- no, Snow herself. Snow is the monster that destroyed Regina's future, that trapped her with a man who thought she was nothing besides what she could do for his daughter, and him.
She can't feel anything but loathing for a woman who comes from the same person- " I don't think you do"
Regina makes a sound of incredulity. " Believe what you will"
" It's just- " Emma's breath hitches. " I never had much good in my life, it was always just me, trying to take care of me. And now I get here and I am supposed to be happy that there are all those people who want me to fight for them? That's bullshit"
" I don't know why I am telling you this"
" It is not like there is anyone to tell this to"
Emma chuckles "I guess" there is silence against for a while, all she can hear Emma moving like she is trying to get comfortable. Or maybe it's because she is nervous (she sounds nervous) " Are you also supposed to save a kingdom?"
The irony of that question almost makes Regina smile. " No"
" What kind of bullshit fate did you have , then?"
" I had to marry a rich person with enough power that my mother would be pleased" she says. She intended to have her voice smooth, steel and stone so everyone knows she is strong and she is indifferent and no one can hurt her. (it shakes and wavers)
"That's messed up"
She almost says 'I had to be angry and in pain. I had to lose everything'. She knows now Rumple used her, that he just needed her for his curse and never did a damn thing to help her. That was a part of her fate, too. " It is not unheard off, although my mother was particularly…. Determined"
" Your mother sounds like a jerk"
" She had a very clear idea of what my future was supposed to look like". Regina will not defend her mother, but she will not allow people to judge her, either.
" You should get to decide that for yourself "
"Yes, well- " she doesn't know how to react to that. She is enraged with herself for sharing the information, for being anything but harsh and unforgiving around this woman. She just seems so different though, there is none of the self-righteousness, none of that stubborn belief that she is right and good and the world isn't if it things differently from her-
(she seems to understand Regina)
It almost makes sharing natural.
" What the- " she is shaken from her internal monologue when Emma lets loose a stream of curses and her voice suggests she is either hurt or scared or both. Regina is getting to her feet without thinking, rushing towards the fire without thinking, worrying for Emma without thinking. She can't stop any of it and she peers through the fire and-
There's an indistinct shape, something that looks like a man- no, a woman , a girl, a – dozens of people changing into each other, dozens of voices changing in the middle of a sentence, and fists as well as leers and things Regina doesn't understand but maybe her stomach does because it tries to push everything in it up her throat
She pushes it down, and her eyes move to the left without conscious thoughts, reacting like there's a force pulling them there. It's Emma, and she is glorious and painful and different. The way she carries herself, it is still that strength Regina spotted when Charming dragged her to his daughter. But her eyes are open ( Regina wants to get closer, she wants to see all the shades, no she doesn't, she wants nothing to do with this woman) and terrified.
Regina tries to use magic, and it doesn't work. She isn't angry and hurt and determined so her magic won't listen. She won't get to it, especially not because it might not even work here. She stumbles back when the flames suddenly rear up, and she loses sight of Emma for a while. She curses in her mind, curses at herself for caring but Emma's voice is –
She grabs the fire without thinking and pushes.
She didn't even know it was possible but one moment, she is trapped behind a wall of fire and the next there's an opening and she sees a block of fire move towards the shape threatening Emma and crash into it.
Emma stares at it. Regina stares at her.
Emma looks up, slowly, and Regina knows with absolute certainty she is going to get a smile. A true, breath-taking-
She wakes up in a very uncomfortable position on a prison bed, cradling her hand which is hurting like Hell. Her heart is still racing and there's something not unlike disappointment (and even more impossible, heartbreak) hurting her more than the burn on her hand.
Weak.
Snow visits what might be two days later. Regina hadn't expected her, not after the last time. ('if you are my daughter's love, there must be good in you' Snow had said, with desperate eyes and a heartbroken expression that should've elated Regina) But Snow has always been stubborn, and relentless. Mostly, she had been raised to believe she had a right to everything.
Regina expects that is why she is here, to demand that Regina wakes her daughter and calmly accepts her death afterwards. Regina does not care much for her own life, but she refuses to give Snow everything. She is steeled for threats, pleads, negotiation
Instead, Snow completely stuns her. " I just wanted you in my life so badly" she whispers, after what feels like hours of silence for Regina. She looks up, rags under her – slightly red- eyes and looking like at half of the curse years have suddenly been added to her life " You were so bright and kind-hearted. And I - " she shakes her head.
" I am not interested in your self-pity" Regina spits
Snow just stares at her, and Regina wants to yell at her, wants to mock her for her tears and all the weakness they embody. Wants to tell her she is wrong and stupid and doesn't know anything. Doesn't even know what her father did, what Cora did, what Snow herself did.
" I am sorry for what happened to you. I loved you. I never wanted you to be hurt"
" Am I supposed to believe that?"
" They are still asking for your execution, Regina. If I cannot prove there is good in you, that they will not be harmed, I- "
Regina smiles " You are terrified, are you not?" Snow stares at her. " Not for me, of course not. But for your brat- " Regina has learned to act very well, and pretending like she holds the same disdain and hatred for Emma as she does for her mother is manageable. Not that it means anything. It means nothing. "It must torture you, knowing that all those people asking for my death, are also asking you to sacrifice your daughter a second time"
"Why would you refuse yourself this?" Snow whispers.
" Because if she wakes, I will give you everything you have ever wanted" Regina says. And everything will have been for nothing.
Snow shakes her head. " She is your true love, she is- "
" My true love lost his life because of you. I watched his heart turn into dust and I held his body into my arms. Everything good in my life ended that day, and it was all because of you"
"Regina" she almost mocks Snow, sneering at the way Snow approaches her ( like a spooked animal) and the way she looks at her and the way she brought guards but told them to stand back. She is so obtuse.
" You can have that again. I am offering it to you"
" Your brat is not my true love and if she were- " Regina gets as close to the bars, to Snow, as possible " I would rip her heart out and crush it in front of you regardless"
"28 years. Is all the loss and heartbreak not enough, why can't you just end it and be happy?"
" I cannot be happy" 28 years and love is not enough to heal what the dark curse took. " Not when you are"
" Do you think I am happy that it is you?" Snow whispers, and Regina almost laughs at how ashamed she sounds. "Outside, there are hundreds of people screaming for your head. You have destroyed their families, taken their love ones and I am pleading for your life because I cannot lose my daughter a second time"
Regina smirks. "They will finally see you for what you are. Selfish"
" In this case, yes I am selfish. I had to give her up, had to give everything I loved up, and I am not doing it again. Not unless I know there is no hope" Snow hardens, her voice raising and her eyes still wet but also something very familiar to Regina
(she used to see it in the mirrors of Leopold's castle)
Snow swallows and all the angry words Regina wants to say fade as she raises her head and proudly- proudly, the idiot- admits " Not unless I know I really am a fool for still believing in you"
Regina doesn't rage, this time. She doesn't even mock Snow and she could wonder why she allows the woman to walk away shortly thereafter without ripping into her. She could, but she won't. She thinks she knows the answers, and she doesn't want them to be true.
So she doesn't allow herself to think about it.
Weeks pass.
Maleficent says very little, and remains convinced that Regina should give up on revenge. Regina only manages to get a rise out of her, once. She doesn't know why, there was some comment about children and loss and suddenly Maleficent was halfway into a transformation and their cells were on fire. They talk even less afterwards and Regina does not dwell on how that hurts. She just pushes it down, always pushing everything down, because emptiness is better than Daniel's death her marriage Snow her mother murder the Mad hatter that- emptiness is so much better and she can't really choose anyways.
She talks very little in general, or at least she does in waking hours. When she falls into restless sleep, she sometimes is fortunate enough to wake up in a fire-filled room instead of in the midst of another nightmare. Those moments are not just a welcome break in her routines, but also something she has attempted not to treasure, fought against herself for, and still catches herself looking forward to. She excuses it by telling herself that it is just because they are better than nightmares.
This time, however, she thinks it is a nightmare.
A slow hissing, and heavy footsteps. Hands on her body, something sharp against her neck, pain and blood- and then she wakes, with a sudden lurch, and stares right into hate-filled, unfamiliar eyes. She pushes and bites the hand that covers her mouth, but they just grab her and her head spins seconds after her attacker has rammed it against the wall. Again. And again.
She can feel the blood on her face, and on her neck but that isn't what makes her breaths shorter and her vision darken. It isn't the hand on her mouth either, or the way those eyes look at her. It's the body on top of her and the constraint and how she desperately reaches for her magic and she can't do anything. It's a hand in her hair and the other one pressing down harder.
There's a migraine and her body betraying her, getting weaker and weaker until she barely manages to fight against that person on top of her. She feels the cold steel at her neck, and struggles to look indifferent, refusing to give them the satisfaction. There are no last thoughts, just this sense of remorse –
And then the body is suddenly off her and she gasps and coughs and gags. There are sounds of a struggle she ignores, completely preoccupied with taking greedy breaths of air and trying not to throw up. Her body heaves and trembles and burns – and then there are hands gently holding her hair back and even more gently pulling her against a warm body.
She tries to get away, and realizes – stark and embarrassing and stunning- that she is crying when the person behind her wipes away her tears. It isn't full on sobbing, they aren't even many tears, but Regina still doesn't understand that they are there at all. That confusion is probably why she reacts so oddly when she turns around and sees the familiar face, the one she couldn't escape in the castle, that she saw almost every night, nightmares and bedtime stories and all the other reasons Snow gave for why she really, really had to be in Regina's bed.
Now, it is the other way around. Snow has still come to her, but it is Regina who needed her. It is Regina who caves, for a second, and almost returns the hug. Before realizing what she is doing and escaping Snow's arms.
" What-"
Regina finally looks at her attacker- on the ground, weapon next to them. She doesn't need to get near them to know they are- She killed- And she could hurt Snow with it, hurt her by reminding Snow that this person probably loved her, probably would've done anything for her but-
She feels compelled not to.
She flinches when Snow suddenly stands and turns around. But all Snow does, is stare at the body on the ground. There's the regret and sadness Regina expected and before she can sort out what exactly she is feeling about it, Snow is already gone.
Red arrives quickly after that, positioning herself in front of the cell as soon as the body is removed. Despite her cloak, she shivers and Regina manages to convince herself she finds the sound of her teeth shattering just annoying and that is why she throws the blanket over Red.
They don't talk about it.