The Arch-Mage's New Rules

Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that my class was actually the most well-behaved group of students in living memory at the College. After all, we're all at least still alive. Consider these additions to my informal list of rules as equally vital instructions for also staying alive. These additions shall be posted in the Hall of the Elements, the Arcanaeum, and the dormitories, so you shall have no excuse of pleading ignorance. All of the usual penalties shall apply, unless otherwise stated.

- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold

11) Officially, emissaries from the Synod and the College of Whispers are to be treated with all due decorum. Unofficially, if you can prank them in small but annoying ways and make it look like a complete accident, you will suffer no penalty. I'm as exasperated with them as the rest of you are.

12) It is not my fault that you lost the rest of your research budget in Riften. Unless you can convince me that your research is of the utmost importance to the College, you will receive no additional funds for the rest of the semester. You may reapply when the term is up.

13) If you want to attempt a Levitation spell or enchantment, be my guest. If you want to reverse-engineer Icarian Flight, however, please don't do it in the courtyard, as none of us want to clean up your corpse.

14) I do not kill and then enslave the souls of students and faculty who cross me, no matter how much I might sometimes wish to, so stop trying to terrify new apprentices with this ridiculous rumor. Arniel Gane's unfortunate demise was the result of his own experimenting, and his occasional appearances as a shade are the result of my conjuration mastery and my efforts to retrieve his soul from whatever corner of Oblivion he accidentally sent it.

a) On that note, all research into the disappearance of the Dwemer must be first cleared with myself and the Master Wizard, and all attempts to replicate the circumstances under which they disappeared are strictly banned. We were lucky Arniel only vaporized himself. We do not need to tempt fate again.

b) Arniel has agreed to help me whenever I call upon him while I search for a method to permanently free him from Oblivion. I am not forcing him to do my bidding as I would a bound dremora or atronach. I was the one who put down Arondil; do you think I would practice more of that ilk? No.

c) The fact that I am friends with a zombie necromancer dragon does not make me a necromancer myself. It also does not make me a necromancer by proxy. Durnehviir's actions were and are his own.

d) Not all Bretons are necromancers. Enough of the stereotypes.

e) Since someone was fanatical enough to dig up old Imperial records, yes, the Lachapelles were a minor noble family of High Rock who were all executed when their secret necromancy habit was discovered and the literal skeletons in their closets revealed. To stave off any wild rumors, I will disclose this: I am the illegitimate daughter of Helene Lachapelle, who conceived me solely in a bid to avoid execution (it was only postponed), and I promised my father to never, ever touch necromancy. The fact that my mother's family was a pack of creepy necromancers still does not make me a necromancer myself. I don't even know the simplest spell for raising dead bodies. I have deliberately not learned said spells. Now, will you all please drop this subject?

15) My work on my promised complete dictionary for the dragon language and notes on its grammar will not proceed any faster if you pester me about it every time you see me.

16) Despite the results of the research Falion and I have put into finding a cure for vampirism, it is not proper to claim that we have "conquered death". If anything, we have conquered undeath. You are mages; be more precise in your terminology. With how you tell it, I'm starting to sound like Mannimarco.

17) The next idiot to walk through our doors and claim that the School of Restoration is inferior to the other schools will be dropped into the middle of an Ancient Nordic crypt of my choosing with only restoration spells to defend himself or herself. If I'm feeling generous, I may leave a Sun Fire spell tome as well. Anyone foolish enough to insult restoration in front of an Arch-Mage who specializes in conjuration and restoration both fully deserves such a fate.

18) I will not lend you the Wabbajack for any reason whatsoever.

19) Normally, I don't mind that some of the students hijack the printing press in the Arcanaeum about one night every month to publish a student newsletter. Urag and I always snag a copy and have a grand time reading it, irreverent as it may be. How else you do think you've gotten away with doing this for so long? Be that as it may, you've crossed the line with the latest edition. That debacle on Solstheim did not go down in that manner, and any and all tentacle porn depictions of myself (including those involving Miraak and/or Hermaeus Mora) will be destroyed with extreme prejudice. As for those poor fools responsible for this, I have this to say to you: I will identify you, and the fact that individuals can be forced to read Black Books should be the least of your concerns when I do catch up to you.

20) Akatosh is generally known as the Father of Dragons, and being Dragonborn I have occasionally addressed him as Bormah in my prayers, yes. I don't know why I'm hearing some of you claim that he is my father-in-law, and I'm not sure I want to know why.