5Author's Note: So I never do one shots but this idea wormed its way into my head and I had to run with it. The inspiration for this came from the song "Burn With Me" by the band Amaranthe. Good song and good band if you're into that kind of music. Since I don't specifically mention it the story starts off on the fifth year anniversary of Voldemort's defeat with a small celebration at a pub.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Burn With Me
Harry sat at the bar doing his best to continue nursing the firewhiskey in front of him. The desire to drink until he was fall down drunk was rapidly becoming more powerful though and he knew that he would most likely have to leave to avoid the urge. That or someone would have to stop him from doing it but he wasn't counting on that. Most everyone else was too busy enjoying the festivities to notice his predicament.
This desire to drink himself into a stupor didn't start until Hermione walked into the room with her latest boyfriend, some rich French pretty boy she had met through the Ministry. They were always the same: wavy locks of blonde hair, tall, charismatic, rich, and ultimately sleazy. None of them were deserving of her yet somehow the young woman who many considered to be a genius, or close to it at least, kept choosing them. It made Harry sick to his stomach and furious at the same time. He took another drink.
"Alright there mate?" Ron asked as he sat down beside his best friend.
"What do you think?" Harry replied, not looking at Ron as he took another drink. The redhead gave a shrug that his friend sensed more than saw. "Why do you always ask that question anyway if you already know the answer?"
"It's a good ice breaker. You're not always gonna get like this whenever she's around are you?" This time it was Harry's turn to shrug. "You can't stop being her friend just because of who she chooses to date you know."
"I'm well aware of that Ron. I thought she was smarter than that though. She always picks the same kinda bloke to be with and they always end up hurting her. Remember the last guy? She walked in on him having an orgy and he had the nerve to say it was her fault when she wouldn't join them."
"I haven't forgotten. I honestly thought you were gonna kill him. Did you ever think that maybe she's dating these kinda blokes because she can't be with the one she wants to be with? That's why I was with Lavender Brown in sixth year. I felt kinda empty and hollow like something was missing so I tried to fill that void with someone I didn't really wanna be with. Maybe that's what she's going through."
"Why would she have to go through that? Hell we both know that she won't have trouble getting any bloke she wants."
"Yeah but we both also know that Hermione won't do anything to make anyone else unhappy. Maybe this bloke is already with someone or maybe she's worried that being together will damage their friendship."
"Why would she think that? You two dated and broke up and you're even better friends now than you were before."
"Right but that's because the tension is gone now. We tried a relationship and it didn't work so now we have no reason to antagonize each other. I was always trying to change her into my ideal woman and she was trying to change me into her ideal man but now that it's over we accept each other for who we are. This is all just a theory of course. Neither of those reasons might be right but they're at least possible.
"And even that might be stretching things. Maybe she's worried that this person doesn't feel the same way and just telling them how she feels will be enough to hurt their friendship or at least make things awkward between them." Ron was silent for a moment as he stared across the room at the smiling and laughing brunette in question. It was clear to him that her cheerfulness wasn't quite genuine so he couldn't help but wonder why Harry didn't notice too. "Have you told her how you feel about her?" he suddenly asked Harry.
"I tried to a few weeks ago," the raven haired young man responded after a moment's silence. "I ended up deciding against it though."
They always had dinner together at their favorite Muggle restaurant on Tuesday nights and that night was no different. Ginny had an understanding about it whereas Hermione's boyfriends usually didn't but allowed her to go unopposed so they could do whatever they wanted. Harry knew what that usually was and he was sure that Hermione was well aware of it too but if she was willing to put up with it then he wasn't going to bring it up again. At least he wasn't until she said something first.
"I wonder who Ethan is currently shagging." The blunt statement caused Harry to snort loudly, making his opinion on the matter clear before he even opened his mouth.
"Probably some redhead that was impressed with his money and limited vocabulary. I don't know why you're still with him."
"It's better than being alone," the young woman responded with a shrug. "After what happened and what all we went through it's just not easy for me to be by myself anymore. And before you say anything I know I've got you and Ron but you're with Ginny and he has Luna. It's just not the same anymore."
"I understand Hermione but these are the blokes you choose to be with? You deserve so much better than that. Look at the way Ethan's treating you right now while you're here with me. Do you really wanna keep putting up with that?"
"Well to be fair we don't really know that's what he's doing," Hermione muttered halfheartedly.
"Are you even listening to yourself Hermione?" her friend asked, his hand against his forehead in exasperation. "This wouldn't be the first time that Ethan has cheated on you. You know that there's better blokes out there. I'd never do that to you."
"That's sweet Harry but you probably shouldn't say that. We both know you're with Ginny. I don't think she'd appreciate you telling me that." The light smile that adorned Hermione's face told Harry that she thought he was joking with her. Realizing that his theoretical subtlety didn't work Harry changed his position.
"It was just an example. My point is that there are blokes out there who would treat you like you deserve to be treated. Hell even Malfoy treats Astoria with care and respect. I know that you don't like to be alone but you're wasting your time with these men. Why put yourself through this? Aren't you the one who said that it's better to be without the one you want than with one you don't want?"
"It's not that simple anymore Harry. You wouldn't understand, you have Ginny." Hermione stood up, laid some money on the table, and rushed out of the restaurant with tears starting to form in her eyes.
"I understand better than you think I do," Harry said to himself as he put his own money down and walked outside. Hermione had already Disapparated, which he knew she would have, but part of him was still disappointed. A small part of him thought that maybe she would be waiting for him and he could finally tell her how he felt. With a heavy heart he Disapparated back to his house. He had barely stepped inside when Ginny walked up to him with a purposeful look on her face.
"I've been thinking all night Harry and there's something that's been bothering me lately. I know that you really care about Hermione but it seems to go beyond that. You love her don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question and Harry decided the best thing he could do was nod in acceptance. "I think we need to have a talk."
"Tell me Ron: why am I the only one who lost it all? I tried telling her how I feel and not only does she assume I'm joking but Ginny decides to leave me too."
"Well can you blame her mate? It's not fair for you to keep her around in case you never get a chance with Hermione and hope that you'll eventually love her the same way. You're my best mate but I'm not gonna let anyone do that to my little sister. If you really want a chance with her then you're gonna have to say something. You can't just wait on her to give you some kinda sign. Say she feels the same way about you as you do about her-"
"She doesn't."
"Alright let's just say theoretically she does, and she's waiting on you to give her a sign. Does that sound fair to either one of you?" Instead of answering Harry drained the last of his firewhiskey.
"Why does she have to be her?"
"Well you wouldn't love her if she wasn't Hermione."
"Exactly."
Fleur slid into the seat beside Hermione as soon as the brunette's boyfriend left the booth. The two had grown very close in the years since the war ended and had come to depend on each other. The blonde had actually ended up becoming Hermione's best female friend and second best friend right after Harry. Though they were the best of friends, or perhaps because of it, Fleur had absolutely no problem telling Hermione exactly what was on her mind and that included her disdain and confusion about her friend's latest choice in men. The anniversary of Voldemort's defeat was supposed to be a happy occasion but the French witch had noticed that Hermione wasn't happy and hadn't been in a good long while.
"So is there a reason you 'aven't been 'appy lately 'Ermione?" the older woman bluntly asked. "Don't try to deny it, I can tell by the look in your eyes that you 'aven't been 'appy in a while. Does it 'ave anything to do with a certain young man with dark hair?" Normally Hermione would be surprised at her friend's level of perception but Fleur knew her better than anyone else so at this point she almost expected it. There was no point in trying to deny anything.
"I don't know anymore Fleur. I love Harry but I'm afraid to say anything. What if he doesn't feel the same way and it ends up ruining our friendship or worse? I'd rather have him in my life than not have him at all. Besides he and Ginny just broke up a few weeks ago and I'm sure he's still tore up about that. He doesn't even wanna talk about it."
"Yes I wonder what 'appened between them. It was very sudden no? Bill knows I think but 'e won't tell me. 'E says that Ginny does not want anyone to know. Anyway I understand your 'esitancy but why not at least tell 'im 'ow you feel? I know you are worried about it affecting your friendship but we both know that 'Arry is not like that. If 'e does not feel the same way then 'e may be uncomfortable for a time but 'e will always be your friend. Why are you with these men when you 'ave a chance to 'ave what you really want?"
"Because they're not like Harry. In fact all of them are the exact opposite of him. If we were together I know he'd love and protect me. He wouldn't purposefully do anything to make me feel bad. He's rich but doesn't flaunt his money and he's tall and handsome but doesn't let it go to his head." She glanced across the room at her raven haired friend. Why couldn't he be the same as the blokes she was dating? That would be so much easier for her.
"So you're 'oping to what, eventually fall for one of these men and move on from 'Arry?" Hermione feebly shrugged causing Fleur to sigh in exasperation. "'Ermione you know that won't 'appen. You love 'im too much to simply forget about 'im like that.
"Would it really be that bad for you to just tell 'im 'ow you feel? What if 'e is in the same, ah, boat yes?" Hermione smiled and nodded. "What if 'Arry is in the same boat and feels the same way you do but doesn't want to do anything to 'urt your friendship? If 'e is in the same position as you then neither of you are ever going to get anywhere. I 'ave found that many men are very nervous to approach a woman they truly care about. You need to take the chance and tell 'im 'ow you feel."
"You're right Fleur," Hermione replied after a moment's silence. "I'll tell him tomorrow. It's not fair to either of us and if he doesn't feel the same way then I can finally start to move on."
"There is the 'Ermione we all know and love," Fleur said with a smile. Hermione really did have every intention of speaking with Harry. She went over to his house early the next morning but no one answered when she knocked on his door. Assuming that he was out somewhere she came back a few hours later only to find the house still empty. After checking one more time late that night she was beginning to worry and Disapparated to the house Ron shared with Luna. She didn't care about the lateness of the hour, all that mattered to her was finding out where Harry might be.
"He took a leave of absence," Ron responded when she questioned him. "Apparently he told Kingsley this morning that he was leaving and didn't know when he'd return. He didn't say anything to you either?" The horrified and hurt look on Hermione's face was the only answer he needed. "Damn I'm sorry Hermione. I'm sure he had a good reason for not saying anything to any of us, though I have no idea what it could be. Why do you wanna talk to him so bad?" Hermione almost answered but hesitated for a moment. On one hand she didn't exactly want to tell Ron in the event that she was rejected but on the other hand if she talked to Harry then Ron would most likely find out about it sooner or later anyway.
"I need to tell him that I'm in love with him," she finally responded. Ron's face fell at her words.
"Oh bloody fucking hell." The young woman looked at her redheaded friend with curiosity, though she instantly knew that anything he had to tell her now would be bad.
"What are you not telling me Ronald?"
"You'd better sit down Hermione. This is probably gonna take a while." She had no idea what he was going to tell her exactly but by the apologetic look on his face and his body language Hermione was sure of one thing: she had waited too long to tell Harry how she felt.
It was a cowardly move. Harry was well aware of that when he did it but still he did it anyway. Despite what Ron said the Boy-Who-Lived was sure that Hermione didn't feel the same way about him as he did about her. He couldn't continue to spend his days acting as though nothing was wrong when the desire to be with her was so strong that it was almost killing him. Try as he might, nothing seemed to help him move on and leave his feelings for her behind.
So he did the only thing he knew that could possibly work and left England. He had no idea how long it would take, if his feelings would ever change at all, but he was prepared to be gone for a least a few years. He knew that not saying anything was even more pathetic and hurtful but he just couldn't bring himself to say goodbye to Hermione. If he wasn't going to see her before he left then he didn't think it was fair to see anyone else either so he didn't inform anyone but the Minister.
Truthfully it wasn't as simple as just moving on, he needed to completely forget about Hermione. It was a task that was next to impossible but he knew that was the only way. He didn't just simply love Hermione, it had grown to be so much more than that. It was true that they were just friends but he knew in his heart that she was the one as the Muggles would say. He was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that if the two of them were ever in a relationship that it would be a lasting one. That's what made it so hard for him.
He knew he should have told her how he felt but he just couldn't bring himself to. If, no when she rejected him it would absolutely crush him. For once he had to be selfish and do what he felt was best for him.
He spent the first few months travelling around the world and seeing various sights, both magical and Muggle. It was nice and succeeded in making him forget about Hermione, but only temporarily. Once he had seen everything he wanted to see he thought of how nice it would have been if she had been with him and the emotions he hadn't been thinking about returned with a vengeance. Apparently merely being away wasn't enough and he started trying to find something to do that would help him. He finally found what he was looking for in the form of aiding others, especially physical labor. All thoughts of Hermione, and home in general, were pushed from his head as he travelled from place to place helping people.
Weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Before he realized it Harry had been away from England for five years. He was sure that everyone had forgotten about him until one day when he randomly received a letter from Ron. It was the first piece of mail he had gotten the entire time he had been gone and he was confused as to why he would even get anything after this long. His first thought was that something terrible had happened but he quickly dismissed that notion, knowing that Ron would have done more than send a letter if that was the case.
As it turned out Ron had been trying to reach him for years and this was the first letter that had found him. The more Harry read the more he realized how much he missed everyone and decided that returning home to visit couldn't be a bad thing. He even wanted to visit Hermione. He knew that his feelings for her hadn't diminished at all, though he had been successful in his attempt to not think about them or her, but he decided that since he wouldn't be staying he could risk it.
It wasn't difficult to find out where she lived and late in the afternoon he paid her a visit. He stepped off the Knight Bus in front of a well maintained house in the middle of Muggle London. If it had been anyone other than Hermione he might have been suspicious but he knew that she had always one foot in both worlds. He walked up to the door and firmly knocked, waiting for her to answer it. He wasn't quite sure what to expect but it wasn't what he saw.
"Can I help you?" the man asked. He was almost the same height as Harry, had messy brown hair, and glasses. The resemblance was almost uncanny and Harry was sure that the man was a Muggle since he had no idea who Harry was.
"Er is Hermione home?" The man eyed Harry for an uncomfortable long time.
"What do you want with my wife?" Harry felt his heart sink at the question but he didn't let it show.
"I'm an old friend of hers. I'm back in town for a few days and I was hoping to see her."
"Who is it sweetheart?" Harry heard Hermione ask from somewhere behind the door. Even after five years the sound of her voice made his heart beat faster. She suddenly appeared in the doorway holding who could only be her young son on her hip. Her eyes met his and Harry felt his breath hitch. "Harry."
The look of longing in her eyes and guilt on her face finally made him realize he had made the biggest mistake of his life. It hurt him more than being away from her for the past five years.
Author's Note: I know that some people will probably take issue with the fact that Harry and Hermione are both acting very differently than they do in canon (let's be honest Hermione would never stay with someone who cheated on her, let alone continue to date anyone like him) but I want to show how much it can affect us whenever we think someone we love with all our heart doesn't feel the same way. It can drive us to do things that we normally wouldn't do and oftentimes we don't think rationally.