"Mrs. Vanilla, you are a lady and a scholar."

"Ha! I'm a Rizzoli and we're usually neither. And for the record, you can just save your sweet talking for some other girl, because I'm really not happy with you right now, Rondo!"

"On my honor as a man of truly sophisticated charm, I swear it was never my intention to start a ruckus in the house of such a lovely woman as yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, well, I know. Why do you think I'm bothering to hide you behind my bar instead of just letting Jane kill you so we can get this fiasco over with and I can get on with the lunch rush?"

"Surely, you are indeed a saint."

"That's a laugh. Again Rondo, Rizzoli. But if you don't keep your head down, you're going to get to be a martyr so you better stay still! Now spill it. What is going on? I mean, one minute everything's fine and the next it's like World War Three in here! Good grief, I hope I have enough bleach in the back, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it for all the blood that's going to be spilled here in a few minutes."

"Ah, whose red do you think-?"

"Oh, I don't have to think, Rondo, I know it's so going to be yours."

"That is most, ah, problematic, Mrs. Vanilla."

"So start what might be your last Confession. And try real hard to hold back the slick talking, Rondo."

"Well, let me assure you, first off, that I was only doing my proper civic duty as a vital part of your tall, definitely gloriously Italian, and, ah, so righteously intense daughter's communication network on the streets at her citadel of justice."

"Not doing so well on the holding it back, Rondo, not that it actually surprises me any. Okay, so you were at the precinct hitting up my girl for more money for your narcing, which I'm really not pleased with, either. I'd say you already had this coming then. It's called Jane karma, buster."

"Ooh, don't be so harsh upon your favorite man, Mrs. Vanilla! Sure, sometimes I get caught up in the delightful pleasure of the exchange barter but I am a gentleman through and through and I always deliver the goods."

"Alright, alright, I admit, your intel is usually on. Still doesn't mean I approve, Rondo."

"A man has to eat, Mrs. Vanilla."

"Yeah, but a man's also has to sleep at night, too. So then what happened?"

"Well, while I was ever so politely waiting for your beautiful daughter to finish booking some entirely deserving of incarceration unfortunates and complete our transaction, I just so happened to see that my sweet, sweet hazel eyed Queen needed a knight in his usual well-timed bright armor to assist her."

"Happened my patootie. You forget that I know you pretty good by now. You're always looking for an advantage, Rondo. I bet you saw her nice clothes and it was like chum to a shark. Dinner bell."

"Mrs. Vanilla! Such imagery! And I would never bite a lady!"

"Maybe not, but I know from personal experience that you sure know how to nibble away a woman's pocketbook."

"Generosity is quite becoming on a woman. Besides, strong women like spending the green on their men; it gives them a sense of power!"

"You're killing me, Rondo, seriously. Now get back on focus here, buddy. So you saw she needed some help and neatly volunteered to get into her good graces. I'm guessing this is what Maura meant when she said you helped her carry some stuff down to the morgue. You know unauthorized people are not supposed to be down there. As in ever. You could actually have got into a lot of trouble trying to pull off this weaseling stunt, mister."

"I thank you for worrying about your compassionate guardian of the fairer sex, but let me assure you, Mrs. Vanilla, that the elegant smile of the Queen was upon me and I passed unharmed into her most frightful domain. Although, if I may say so, I seriously question how one of such delicate refined nature as her chooses to dwell there. It makes me suddenly think of dear tragic Persephone, held bound through some entrapment of dark desire."

"Good heavens, that sounds like something off the back of one of my romance books. Or from one of those awful angst-slathered teen vampire movies. I'm seeing now why you liked singing the Blues, you've got a serious natural bent to the melodrama. But for the record, the only dark desire involving Maura that I know about was that freaky artist. Sure, she's not so good with figuring out people sometimes, as evidenced by him and you, but I have to respect her for at least trying to do the right thing. Well, not so good with still breathing people, I mean, she's fantastic with the dead guys. Which really might be the category you end up in if Jane has her way today, Rondo."

"I confess I'm a little concerned about that myself at the moment. Still, it is a most gruesome work for one as gentle as my Queen."

"Well, I'm not so sure gentle is a real good descriptor of Maura right this minute. She's got my Jane backed now all the way to the far wall and is really letting her have it."

"Huh. That is rather unexpected."

"Yeah, I'm kind of torn as a mother between laughing my head off at the look on Jane's face and getting ready to call SWAT at the look on Maura's. Man, I hope Jane can get Maura to calm down. Jane said she'd help me with the grocery shopping this weekend and I'd kind of like her to be at least alive long enough to haul the potatoes and milk."

"Are they always so . . . intense?"

"Oh, come on, Rondo! Haven't you ever fought with someone you really cared for? Someone who actually mattered enough to you to get all worked up about?"

"Long ago, Mrs. Vanilla, long ago. I remember . . . once . . . . But the past is gone. We only have now. And now, I fear I am duty bound to my ever so fine Boston women to somehow make this right again."

"You bet you are buddy, since this is your fault somehow it all started."

"Unintentionally, I remind you, unintentionally!"

"So what's your brilliant plan now, Batman?"

"Trust me, Mrs. Vanilla, I am thinking! Although, I do note that surely even the Batman can think ever so much better when his belly is full."

"Oh, fine. I'll make you a quick sandwich since it looks like we're both going to be stuck here a while."

"I am much obliged to you for your everlasting thoughtfulness."

"You're welcome. You make me crazy, Rondo, but I still like you. Beef or ham?"

"Why thank you, Mrs. Vanilla! Your affection does brighten my day! Ham, please."

"If I were you, I'd be worrying about how my night's looking. Cheese?"

"Swiss if you have it. This is actually an excellent hiding place."

"Yeah, not many hideouts come equipped with full service."

"How long do you think their, ah, quarrel will continue?"

"Not too much longer, probably, if we can keep you out of Jane's sight. And they don't say anything we can't fix to each other. I'm mostly sure that once Jane finally calms down long enough to stop overprotecting Maura; Maura's hurt pride will let up long enough to keep being absolutely infuriated with it, then they'll call a truce with each other."

"Ah, good."

"Not really. Because odds are by then they'll both be coming for you. And since Jane has a real good shovel and Maura has a complete set of the best bone saws in the business, I'll be honest, Rondo, it's not looking so hot for you. You really might want to seriously consider slipping out the back and laying low for a while. Like maybe a year or two. I hope you like arugula; I added some to the lettuce. What I'm still not getting is how a silver tongued charmer like you managed to cause all of this!"

"Actually, it mournfully amazes myself as well. And, yes, I do. Though perhaps it amazes me less now than it did before as I do see the fault may not all be in my stars."

"There you go again, it's like you just can't help yourself. And maybe not all of it is in your stars but I have a feeling I can bet a good chunk of it sure is! Okay, sandwich and drink. So, let's figure this out, shall we? You helped Maura at the precinct and then what?"

"Surely, Mrs. Vanilla, you don't wish to disrupt my digestion."

"Surely, Rondo, you don't want to see where Jane got her temper from."

"Let me see, ah yes, after I had labored for my Queen, her kind heart was moved. Naturally, because I would not want to be thought taking advantage of so delightful a creature-"

"Of course, naturally."

"-I first gracefully declined. But when my Queen learned that her newly favored servant had a long and arduous journey in the searing Boston city heat-"

"Rondo! Are you kidding me? It's only like sixty seven degrees out there!"

"Mrs. Vanilla, I am a man of sensitivity!"

"More like man with a death wish. Now keep talking. You manipulated a ride from Maura and . . . ?"

"Not out of any selfish desire, Mrs. Vanilla! I knew you would give generously to my hungered friends, who so bravely protected this city in its hours of need, so I was hoping to conserve my strength for the long and-"

"Arduous return already got it. And I like how you threw in the clever pitch for more stuff, by the way. You really missed your calling as a politician."

"That is most gracious of you, Mrs. Vanilla!"

"Actually, I was being sarcastic but you made it sound nicer so I'll help you print the flyers if you want to run for governor. Now, you got Maura to give you a ride. I admit, Rondo, there's the part of me loving how you embellish the crap out of a story and there's the other part of me wanting to smack you upside the head for taking so darn long to just finish it."

"The joy of a story is in the telling, Mrs. Vanilla."

"The joy of the ending of this story is all I'm concerned about. It was a close call the last time they fought like this. And frankly, Rondo, if you've messed it up now, unintentionally or not, I'll have to pay a visit to Maura's father and mention it. I'm sure a street smart guy like you has heard of Paddy? Close your mouth, Rondo; you'll catch flies like that. Here drink this orange juice, I think your blood sugar's a bit low; you're looking a little pale. No, no, no! Don't freak out, just stay right where you're at or you'll draw their attention and then we'll both get it! Focus on your breathing, buddy, in and out, in and out. Okay, in hindsight maybe I shouldn't have told you that. We've been kind of keeping it close because Maura doesn't deserve that kind of bad media so you're not going to go blabbing this around are you, Rondo? Or trying to get money from Jane to keep quiet? Wait, what am I thinking? This involves Paddy. You're going to keep it mum because if anything gets back to Paddy that you've brought problems to his little girl, he won't be happy. You're just lucky that he doesn't really like Jane and wouldn't mind them not talking to each other again or this whole thing going on right now would pretty much be buying you the proverbial cement boots. He might be a real piece of nasty work but he's really loves Maura. I mean, sure, you might be a little . . . off . . . but I don't think you're suicidal. Rondo? You're not suicidal are you, right? Rondo? Talk to me! I can't believe I actually had to say that with you, usually it's getting you to stop that's the problem! Rondo?"

"I am still back on the . . . revelation of my gentle eyed Queen's lineage. The shock is tantamount to finding out . . . ."

"Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are family?"

"I was . . . actually contemplating . . . a more literary expression of unbridled horror but that is oddly accurate . . . . I apologize for my dismay."

"Is that the fancy way to say panic attack? Well, don't worry about it, Rondo; it seems to be actually kind of contagious today. Besides, we all pretty much had the same reaction when we found out, too. I mean, he's one of the big bads of Boston for crying out loud. How is Maura supposed to have a healthy relationship with her biological father when he put some of the corpses on her tables? Of course, it didn't help improve anything much when Jane shot Paddy."

"She killed her father? I didn't remember that from the gleeful gossip rags of our fair city."

"Oh, no, she didn't kill him. She just helped put him in prison. After she shot him. And that went between them about as well as today. As in straight to nuclear launch. It's not really surprising actually when you think about it, given their mutual conflicting heritages. The Irish mob and the Italian mafia have a long standing tradition of really getting into it when they get into it. No, no, no! There you go again! Good grief, Rondo, you really need to get a grip on this anxiety stuff or you'll die of a heart attack or something. Look, the Rizzoli connection isn't that recent. More or less. I think. Okay, you know, I'm pretty sure our connection isn't recent but it's not like my ex was always forthright. But since neither of us want to get those two looking this way, I strongly suggest you just try and relax. Here, have a beer. Actually, have two, you look like you might need both of them."

"Then with all of this, how has my Vanilla and my Queen managed to become so dear to each other that they would fight now so fiercely?"

"Well, right now, I'm thinking they're not so much in the 'so dear' category. More like the 'you-make-me-so-crazy-I'm-seriously-thinking-of-committing-a-felony-for-you' category. But ordinarily you mean?"

"Yes."

"Haven't a clue."

"Seriously?"

"Really. They're total opposites in pretty much everything. Well, until Jane provokes Maura, apparently then their tempers are really alike. And Jane's been doing that off and on since the day they first met when she was working as a hooker-"

"What?! They said they were badges that day I met those fine legs! I knew that could not be anything but a smooth pimp ride!"

"Hey! You be nice about that car! And they didn't lie to you; Jane ended the hooker job before you met her."

"Here I've tried to charm my way into the silk sheets of my sweet Vanilla for years and you're telling me I probably only had to flash the right amount of green to persuade her to-ow!"

"Three points, Rondo! One, you're talking about my daughter! Two, you've seriously got the wires crossed here, buddy, because my girl wasn't a real hooker, it was an undercover thing and you better not forget it because I know how to use a frying pan. And three, Maura has the silk sheets, I know because I lived with her. Jane only has cotton and poly blends, I'm her mother and I've certainly done her laundry enough to be familiar with it, which is probably a good choice for her because she likes to drag her bedding out to the couch when she watches those late night SyFy Channel cheesy monster flicks and the dry cleaning would be a nightmare bill every time she spilled her beer at the jumpy parts."

"Wait, wait, you lived with her? Mrs. Vanilla, you are a wild thing! I didn't know you had an Autumn/Summer romance with-ow!"

"You watch the Autumn bit there, Rondo! Keep that up and I'll throw you myself to the two wolves with a chuck steak tied around your neck! And how the crap can a man who talks this much all the time be so bad at understanding words? I mean, really? Maura just gave me a place to stay after my divorce until I could get on my feet, and that's all!"

"Oh. Oh, my apologies, I meant no offense! That was a truly generous thing my Queen did for you. Truly generous. Hmm-ow!"

"Oh, I can't believe it! I totally get it now! How could I be so dumb? I mean, I know you and everything! This is why they're fighting, isn't it? You pulled some smooth con. Here, Maura did a totally kind, genuinely human thing for you and then you did your used car salesman move so you could get even more out of it than a free ride and a free meal and Jane found out, didn't she? No wonder Jane went ballistic! Nobody messes with Maura when Jane's around. Ask Hoyt!"

"Hoyt? Why does that uncouth name sound familiar? He lives in Boston?"

"Are you kidding? Didn't you hear about that teacup serial killer guy? Yeah, that rang the bell. Well, that was him. And now it's more like he lives six feet under Boston. Jane stabbed that scumbag after he cut Maura's throat. I mean, sure, he was going to kill both of them, but it was Jane trying to save Maura that started that last fight which sent him to the morgue with a scalpel sticking out of his chest. Good riddance, I tell you with that one."

"Merciful . . . heavens. A scalpel?"

"Rondo. You're suddenly looking a little nervously guilty there. Just how much did you sweet talk Maura out of?"

"I assure you, Mrs. Vanilla, that it was hardly worth-"

"Rondo! Oh, now I know you got way too much! You show me it right this minute."

"Mrs. Vanilla, I-"

"Rondo, so help me, if you don't let me see how much you got Maura to give you, I'm going to call Jane over here right now and have her get it out of you the hard way and I can promise you that you're not going to like the way she-Rondo! That's five hundred dollars!"

"My sweet Queen is most kind."

"More like adorably naïve! Now, I want to murder you! Rondo, you're going to give that money back right this minute!"

"Mrs. Vanilla! That's five hundred in green!"

"No, it's going to be five hundred in black and blue! Jane is going to positively freak out!"

"Wait, isn't that what she is already doing?"

"No! That's her 'I think you've probably done something bad and it involves Maura' mad not her 'I know you did something bad and it involves Maura and now I'm going to kill you for it' enraged!"

"But, Mrs. Vanilla, I-!"

"Don't you 'but' me, Rondo! You are going to give it back! And I mean every single dollar!"

"Can't I at least-!"

"All of it, Rondo!"

"But-"

"You look me in the face and tell me you don't think I'm right! Rondo! Do not give me those big brown puppy eyes! Are you forgetting I'm a mother of three grown children? I've developed immunity!"

"But, Mrs. Vanilla! I could really use-!"

"Rondo, it's not a matter of if you can use it! We both know you could. That's not what the problem here is. It's the principle of the thing. It's a matter of it being completely and utterly wrong to keep the money. You took advantage of Maura's generous innocence and I'm not going to stand for it! And if you didn't know that what I'm saying is true in your heart, you wouldn't be looking so guilty right now."

"But-!"

"Rondo, so help me, if the next words out of your mouth aren't 'Yes, Mrs. Vanilla', I will ban you from the Robber permanently! I'm not helping someone who does that to a girl who's practically one of my own kids! And unfortunately, it won't just be you who suffers from it because you have a lot of people depending on you to get food from me so they can eat. So you make your choice real carefully, buster. If you don't think I won't, well, go ahead, Rondo, you just try me!"

". . . Yes, Mrs. Vanilla."

"Well, good to know you still care about somebody out there besides yourself. Now, eat your sandwich and drink your beers while I finish packing your groceries. Don't look so glum, Rondo. I'm mad at you and real disappointed in you for pulling one over Maura but that's all. I know you're still a good man somewhere underneath all that smooth con jobbing, I mean you just looked out for your guys, didn't you? I just don't want to lose you entirely to the streets which is what will happen if you start making a habit of hurting good people for your own advantage. You're worth more than that to me and I'm not going to just let it happen to you if I have any say in it at all. Which because I'm a Rizzoli means I can guarantee you that I'm going to have a lot of say in it. Do you hear me? Rondo? Oh, sweet holy . . . here's a tissue. I'm not trying to be mean, Rondo. I'm trying to help you do what is right."

"No, Mrs. Vanilla, these are not sad tears, though I confess I do truly mourn the glorious passage of five hundred-"

"Rondo."

"-these are, in honest truth, but tears of purest happiness."

"What?"

"It has been a long time since I have been cared enough about to be mothered."

"Oh. Really? Oh, that's . . . that's . . . . Great, now I need a tissue. Here, come give me a hug, baby. I'm an Italian woman, Rondo, mothering everybody in sight comes naturally. It usually drives my kids completely nuts but Maura usually likes it. She's had such a hard run where it comes to parental figures, the poor sweetheart. It's kind of weird but rich kids usually end up starved practically to death for attention and affection even while surrounded by all their expensive stuff. That's pretty messed up if you ask me. I mean, how can you have everything and wind up with nothing at the same time? Maura's tried so hard to make something kind and good of herself in spite of all the heartache and loneliness that she really deserves being treated right by us."

"That . . . gets my heart, Mrs. Vanilla. It . . . it really does. In fact . . . in fact, I will give my most solemn word of honor, that I shall be only my Queen's most trusted guardian knight in actuality from now on."

"Still so melodramatic but now I'm proud of you, Rondo. I mean it. I really am. See, there's that good man I was talking about in there showing his face. You really should let him out more. I think you would find people really like him. Do you need another tissue? No? Okay, then. Well, now that we got that cleared up, we can move on to the next issue. This continual hitting up of my kid for more money every time you show up with intel."

"Oh, Mrs. Vanilla, not to worry! We both know your ever so fine fiery daughter can take care of her lovely self when it comes to her most charming Rondo!"

"FIVE HUNDRED-?! RONDO!"

"Yeah, well, I'm thinking it's actually more like: Can the most charming Rondo take care of his lovely self when it comes to the ever so fine fiery Jane?"

"An excellent point, Mrs. Vanilla, an excellent point. Does there, by small chance, happen to be a back door located conveniently around here?"