238Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy (but I do own this plot :D)
When I consider how my light is spent,
Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my Soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait."
[John Milton, Sonnet 19]
RPOV
Once – in a training session I think – Dimitri had told me about White Nights, although he had called them something else. Белые ночи. It was one of the few bits of Russian I knew. I don't know why. I guess, daylight was a strange thing to the vampiric world, uncanny even. And a night that never got dark was certainly that.
I walked through the corridor, the light leaking through the wooden panels that covered the broken windows and I remembered it again. Night had come and gone, it was just the dawn, but somehow it felt different.
Maybe I was just tired.
When I approached the door, I noticed it was slightly ajar. Frowning, I pushed it a little and revealed the empty room.
"He's not here."
"Jesus Christ." I jumped and turned to scowl. "I thought I lost you."
Killian chuckled and leaned against the wall. "I've gotten better."
I flashed a devious grin. "Glad to have been such a positive influence on you, Hazza."
He shook his head. "Oh, it was certainly something."
"Admit it, you'll miss me."
A lazy grin pealed across his face. "I'll miss you. I won't miss everything you do, though."
"Fair enough." I shrugged before I felt the humour slowly leave. I tilted my head back towards the room and sighed. "I thought I would be able to catch him." I said honestly and somewhat wistfully.
"You still could."
I pulled my head back. "Huh?"
"He was only released an hour ago, and I saw him in the courtyard."
I raised both my eyebrows. "You-what the heck!?" I spluttered and made a point to push past him.
His laugh followed me. "This is why you shouldn't run away from me!" I flipped him off and bolted down the stairs.
Even without the late hour, the Academy was mostly empty. The days that followed the night Avery ripped a hole in the Shadow World had given new meaning to the word 'chaos'. Thirty-six was the official death count, and no amount of staff reshuffling was going to get the Academy out of this one. Even the Royal Court seemed to recognise that, and Tatiana's previous interference was not lost on anyone.
For all his overt predilection for rigidity and control, Headmaster Lazar was not someone who dealt with tragedy particularly well. In his defence, his daughter had been detained pending multiple criminal charges and his son had been part of the fallen thirty-six. Both Avery's bondmates had perished, assumed victims of the ghosts. The doubt that resided within me only made me more grateful for Lissa's influence. She had brought me out of darkness once more.
In lieu of Lazar's leadership, Alberta had taken charge. She closed the school with military efficiency, coordinating student collection for the parents who came, and transportation to Court for the parents who did not. For those lacking families to return to, the Academy remained open to them for boarding. None of the Guardians left their posts.
Well, almost none.
Dimitri had been detained and stripped of his guardianship, pending a charge of student endangerment. For the second time that year, I had found myself barging into Alberta's office in defence of Dimitri Belikov. Only this time, I was beaten to it. Alberta had barely given me a glance above her glasses before returning to the original exponent.
Adrian. He held a severity that had always been there to temper his joviality, but it now seemed the two had swapped places. He had held Avery's hand the whole way to the Academy cells and waited away the night with her. He'd left to advocate on Dimitri's part and his testimony had provoked a two-month-long hearing investigation, during which Dimitri was kept under house arrest in an isolated part of the building.
I didn't try to interfere, or pressure, or ire. The stakes were too high for recklessness.
Instead, I stayed with Lissa. We played games, watched trash TV, bickered, and laughed. Some days, I felt the darkness surge and I gave her the space to breathe it out. She always came back. We planned for Lehigh, and for the first time, I found myself getting excited about it. I had always known I'd follow Lissa there, but looking through brochures, vlogs, and Google maps: it felt like I was properly going to be a part of it too, like we were truly doing this together.
I mean, we were definitely on the same page when we saw the accommodation prices.
"Fuck me, I might have to sell a kidney."
"Maybe we can use the shadow-kissed thing to argue for a 2-for-1 deal?"
Moments and laughter. They didn't destroy the darkness but tempered it.
I did get a little nervous when I saw her looking at the Health, Medicine, and Society courses. But her jade eyes had met mine with quiet strength.
"I know it's a risk, but I'm not white-knuckling this time – I finding space to grow."
Christian was there too, but not all the time. Likewise, I made myself scarce as needed. Somewhat shamefully, I think it had taken both of us that long to realise that Lissa loving us both was not a scarcity but an expansion. Insecurity was a hard thing to shake, and dependency a hard unlearning. But time, space and a little consideration went a long way – in more ways than one.
Three weeks after the fateful night, Adrian left for the Royal Court. His family had been asking for him, but he was more motivated by Avery being transferred to an institute near Court. He'd visited her every day having brokered a deal with Alberta. It was a strange sort of ritual, but one that gave him purpose.
"It's the burden, Rose," he had said, "Detrimental to ignore, lighter when shared."
While he was still at the Academy, he'd tried to teach me chess but spent most of his time bemoaning how much better Dimitri was. He told me he'd check in on him through dreams, at the very least for a 'decent' game, but I could see the toil closing the veil had taken. He wore his frustration as clear as day, but he understood his need: time, space and a little consideration.
He wrote me letters now. I did text him to point out the complete impracticality, but he said it gave him a "Dickensian allure" and immediately blocked my number. Man of mystery my ass. I would be lying though if I said I didn't enjoy it; the excitement I got seeing the inked penmanship was frankly embarrassing. Worse still, I think Adrian knew about it as one letter had arrived with a fancy fountain pen and some pretty dense paper to write him back with. It had made me smile.
When I wasn't with Lissa, writing to Adrian or listening to Sparky lecture me on the importance of onions in cooking, I was training. I would've so loved to see the look on Dimitri's face when he realised that I had actually managed to cultivate some sort of discipline. On my terms, of course. Killian would join me sometimes. He was officially off babysitting duty, but he said he enjoyed the company. Part of me suspected he didn't fully trust that I wouldn't storm the Academy towers in some sort of daring rescue of Dimitri. I didn't mind, mainly because he wasn't entirely off base. I was mirroring the other guardians partly for their skills, but also to keep tabs on any developments on Dimitri's hearing.
It was how I found out about his release.
"You heard about Belikov, right? Fired for insubordination."
"Oh, he should count himself lucky. He ran into a battlefield with a vulnerable civilian. I mean, the boy wasn't even wearing shoes, for God's sake! And they've just released him…"
I didn't stick around to hear any more.
I reached the courtyard. The air was crisp and the sun bright, but the light was soft: there was a dewy mist almost imperceptible to the eye and the smell of damp morning grass was unmistakable. Across the way, there was movement. I followed and stepped through the stone veranda towards the grass that led to the drive. I saw his frame like a silhouette but less stark. I felt my smile return and jogged after him.
"Oi!" I called out.
His head perked up and around, despite the four duffle bags he was carrying. A muscle in his cheek fluttered beneath the sunglasses he wore. "Hello, Roza."
I stepped in stride with him. "Thought you'd leave without saying goodbye?"
"Well, I did leave a message with Guardian O'Hara..." He cocked a brow.
"You should really know better."
He chuckled. We approached the drive. A silver Honda Acord sat waiting, the driver vacantly staring at his phone. I brushed my hand over Dimitri's hand, his expression softened, and he released one of the bags he was holding into my care before approaching the driver. "Hey, I'm going to take the bus. Here," he said, pulling out several notes, "Sorry to have inconvenienced you."
The driver, completely unbothered, took the cash and shrugged. "Suit yourself." He said and pulled away, the stones crunching under the wheels as he did.
I stepped forward. "The cost of spending time with me, huh?"
"Hefty to be sure," Dimitri said with a smile.
I grinned but played it cool. "Eh, you'll be swimming in Ivashkov cash before long."
"I'm not sure about that." He said, slinging one of his bags over his shoulder and redistributing the other two in his hands.
"Oh, you didn't see Adrian with Alberta. Honestly, I think she's had it easy with me all these years."
He smiled. "I am very grateful, but he owes me nothing." As if he could see my expression, he came closer and assured me: "I am not worried, Rose."
I bit my lip. "I know, it just, I guess I am," I said with a sigh. "But then again, I love you. Comes with the territory."
His smile was as soft as the morning light. "I love you too."
I felt the tickle of mirth. "Wanna make out?"
He laughed through his smile. "Not here." He teased and we began walking towards the gates.
"I'm sorry, by the way," I said, "that I never came to see you."
He shook his head slightly. "You don't need to apologize."
I mirrored his action, pondering a little. "I'm not sure I'm actually apologizing. It's just…I chose not to see you, and I feel sorry because of it."
His brows furrowed upwards towards an expression of bemused tenderness, only slightly obscured by the darkened lenses. "You feel bad because you didn't disobey any direct commands recently."
I felt a smile dance on my lips. "It's not easy being the sensible one." His chuckle was low and warm. I shook my head. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."
"Everything has consequences, my love. Even doing nothing. It's not the point to avoid."
"We make our choices."
"Where we can."
"And pay the cost."
"Always."
We stepped over the Academy's threshold, the gravel slowly turning to dirt beneath our feet. The sun warmed my cheeks.
I hummed, feeling the Zen. "You're going to be fine."
"I hope so."
"Oh, don't doubt now! I've only just come around."
He chuckled. "Then I will endeavour."
I rolled my eyes. "That's not much better."
"When do you leave for Lehigh?"
"End of August. Give us time to settle a bit. You'll visit?"
"Of course."
"How long do you think you'll stay with Adrian?"
"As long as he'll have me."
"Do you really not think he'll take you on as a guardian?"
"I honestly don't know. But I know my skills and my limitations. I know there will be something. I can cope with a bit of limbo."
I glanced over and simply admired him: he was, as ever, beautiful. Duster-cladded, his hair loose: there was a lightness, despite the dark colours he wore, an ease despite the baggage he carried. When I saw the bus stop nearing, I tugged at his lapel, pulling him towards me. He stumbled a bit, but laughed, tossing the bags onto the bank, and accepting the embrace. I dropped my bag and kissed him, both hands now gripping the lapels. His hands rested on my hips, bringing me closer. When we broke away for breath, we stayed as we were for the moment.
"You should probably get back."
"I can wait a while. Killian can cover for me."
"I don't think he'll thank you for that."
"The price of spending time with you," I said, resting my cheek on his chest, feeling the heartbeat beneath.
"Hefty to be sure." He murmured into my hair.
I closed my eyes, his kiss on my crown feeling like the warmth of the sun that rested on my face. "Worth it."
Author's note:
Hello there :D
Just wanted to reach out at the end of this one.
If you are just finding this: welcome, hello – I really hope you have enjoyed this little tale. It was one heck of a journey writing it xD
To those returning, I can only apologise. Especially if you've lugged it right from the start. I had always intended to finish this one. At the risk of angering you any further, the climax in chapter 20 was actually one of the first things I'd come up with. Ironically, it's existed in a sort of limbo in my mind for the past couple of years, niggling away. I've never quite been able to shake it.
So, I hope this offering is a satisfying closure, or perhaps better yet a rekindled warmth to things we could never quite give up.
Lots of love,
M x