"We have an anomaly," Holly announced from a monitor in the hall.

"Sure it's not a fleck of custard on the monitor like last time?" Lister asked.

"Positive," Holly replied. "It's Earth."

"What?" Lister asked numbly.

"Actually, it's three earths, each with their own moon, spaced around the sun so their orbital paths keep them from spotting each other," Holly replied.

"So it's not the earth at all," Lister said, "just some copies someone banged up?"

"All the continents are in the right places and the radio broadcasts fit all known historical events from their time period," Holly replied, "so if they are copies, they are mint condition, Still-In-The-Box Graded copies."

"So they've got people?" Lister asked hopefully. "And I'm not talking wax droids imitating people here, but actual organic human type people."

"I'd need to send some probes to be sure," Holly replied, "but it looks like Earth to all my sensors, filled with the appropriate lifeforms."

"Send some probes and let's find out what's going on," Lister ordered.

"Ran across something like this before?" Xander guessed.

"Kind of," Lister said. "Had one planet filled with droids based on historical figures. I think they were a museum before they all went mad and started fighting one another, but even on that world they didn't make it look exactly like Earth. We should probably get to the bridge."

"Let me give you Flight, it'll speed things up," Xander said, licking his thumb and wiping it across Lister's forehead before he could react.

Lister wiped off his forehead. "Did you have to lick your thumb?"

"Saliva is the least disgusting bodily fluid and the last guy I gave Flight to I stuck a finger in his ear," Xander replied with a grin.

Lister chuckled. "Yeah if I was a god I'd do the same. Now, how do I fly?"

"Still not a god," Xander said, amused. "And you just have to will it.

Lister slowly floated off the deck and grinned. "This is easy. Follow me."

The two flew at a good pace, because they were in a ship they couldn't go too fast or they risked running into things, and quickly reached the elevator up to the command level.

Holly had the door opened for them when they arrived. "That was quick," she noted.

"Thanks Hol," Lister said. "Discover anything more about the three Earths?"

"Yeah, there's actually four," Holly said, "Missed one because it was behind the sun. The probes are still enroute but the visuals are available and each planet looks to be set up like a different time period. The Earth we're receiving radio waves from is late nineteen thirties while the others are presumably further back."

"No chroniton particles or anything?" Xander asked.

"What particles?" Holly asked.

"Signs someone is messing with time and didn't just build them," Xander explained.

"Oh," Holly replied. "Nah, none of the gravitational shear you would see if someone was doing that."

"Good, means we don't have to worry about messing with history," Lister said.

"Late nineteen thirties," Xander said thoughtfully as the doors opened as they stepped out onto the command deck heading towards the bridge. "Do you mean World War II is going on?"

"That's exactly what appears to be going on," Holly said as they entered the bridge only to find a shirtless Rimmer in the captain's chair and the various stations manned by female T-800s dressed in lingerie.

"I've already called bagsy on killing Hitler," Rimmer said with a wide smile.

Xander sighed. "You know you have to wait until he's in the bunker to do it, right?"

"What? Why?" Rimmer asked

"Because he's the worst possible leader Germany could have, high on meth and listening to astrologists," Xander replied. "Me and my friends actually talked about this growing up."

"But I can kill him?" Rimmer begged.

"As soon as the Germans lose," Xander agreed.

"I guess I can wait a few years," Rimmer said with a sigh.

"Unless we massively speed up the Allies winning," Lister said. "Shouldn't be too hard to drop some better weapons and supplies to the right people while we're distracting them by raiding the camps."

"Raiding the camps?" Holly asked.

"Yeah," Lister said. "We take out the concentration camps and rescue all of the 'undesirables'. We can build a colony on Mars or something for them."

"I get saving them," Rimmer said. "If I wasn't so distracted by the thought of killing Hitler I would have suggested it myself, but a Mars colony?"

"The world's about to enter the Great Depression," Lister said, "that many refugees will just make it worse. Starving in the streets is better than starving in the camps but it's still starving, so let's drop some eco-acceleration rockets on Mars and just move them there."

"Let me get this straight," Rimmer said. "You want to terraform Mars and populate it solely with Jews, giving them their own planet and likely the most advanced technology this Earth has ever seen."

"Yeah," Lister said, sending a challenging gaze at Rimmer.

"All right," Rimmer said with a heavy sigh. "But if this causes Adolph to have a massive heart attack before I can bag him I will be very disappointed."

Lister slowly began to grin as he saw Rimmer was struggling to keep a straight face and they both burst out laughing.

"It was more than just the Jews, though they were the majority," Xander said.

"This is all contingent on this being an actual earth and not simply a mock up with life-like androids," Holly reminded them, "and it will be a couple of hours before we know for sure."

"What do the other Earths look like," Rimmer asked.

"Earlier time periods," Holly replied. "Not sure about the exact dates as they predate radio, but one of them has dinosaurs on it."

"Any sign of who made all this?" Lister asked.

"None," Holly replied. "Except for the extra Earths there's nothing out of place I can see. It'll take months to get a proper survey done."

"So… we rushed up here for nothing?" Lister asked.

"Not nothing, we got a decent plan of action out of it," Holly said.

"Are we sure we aren't hallucinating or in a simulator?" Rimmer suddenly asked. "Because this is exactly like all my dreams have come true. I've got a body, women who don't sneer at me, and now I get to save millions of people and punch Hitler's ticket."

"Not to mention not really being responsible for the explosion that killed the crew," Lister said, slumping. "I knew things were going too well, we're probably being eaten by some telepathic alien pitcher plant."

"Seriously?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"There are multiple ways to trap people in their own minds and make them think it's reality," Lister said with a frown.

Xander cupped his hands and they glowed blue for a moment before he tossed Lister a sapphire ring.

"What's this for?" Lister asked.

"I don't know you guys and your situation well enough to poke holes in your logic, but that ring will enhance your brain for a couple of hours so you can figure things out," Xander replied. "Just think 'on' at it and it will give some insight into the situation."

"Still not a god or a figment of our imagination keeping us trapped in a telepathic alien pitcher plant while it devours us alive?" Lister asked.

"No to both, though it's been pointed out that I'm powerful enough in a polytheistic society to qualify for the first, but it's not what we'd consider a god," Xander replied with a shrug, crossing his legs to sit on air.

"Well, here goes nothing," Lister said and the blue ring flashed brightly. "Oh, yeah that makes sense."

"What makes sense?" Rimmer demanded.

"No way would me or Cat let you have a giant tonker in a shared reality and you wouldn't let us make fun of you in yours."

"That is a very good point," Rimmer said, leaning back into the captain's chair with a bright smile.

"Also, Peterson was hitting on me because he was a bit bent and made fun of you because he was jealous we were bunk mates," Lister said with a wince.

"Hah! Knew it!" Rimmer said smugly.

"No you didn't or at least not consciously," Lister said. "And you were jealous of all the time I spent with him because we actually are friends, but more in a brotherly way since we have no problems knocking each other down when we get too full of ourselves."

"Maybe take the ring off," Rimmer said uncomfortably.

"Neither of us lived up to our full potential because when we did someone would cut us down, so we got into the habit of doing just enough to not get any serious heat brought down on us," Lister continued uncomfortably. "Those habits are so ingrained that even now that we know about them we'll still probably fall back into that pattern."

"Lister, seriously, please remove the ring," Rimmer said.

"But that doesn't really matter, because life isn't a game where there is a high score," Lister said, beginning to smile. "Or if it is that score is calculated based on what we enjoy, not what others do. So being a slob and just floating through life can be counted as a win."

"And me?" Rimmer found himself asking uncomfortably.

"Are currently packing more meat than an east end slaughter house and planning on saving millions of people and fulfilling every English school boy's fantasy about what they would do if they got their hands on a time machine," Lister said with a grin.

"That is me, isn't it," Rimmer said with a smile.

"My mind is so…I feel like god," Lister said in wonder. "I can look over a field and note the fall of every fieldmouse," he misquoted.

The doors to the bridge opened, Kryten entered with a pair of female mechanoids and set out tea and biscuits for everyone.

"Good morning, sirs," Kryten greeted them cheerfully," I trust everything is fine."

"Bit of a bother with determining if this was reality or the dream of a telepathic creature that was slowly devouring us, but fine otherwise," Rimmer said while eagerly picking up a cup, not having had tea for millions of years.

"That's easily solved," Kryten said as he made Lister's tea, being sure it was at least twenty percent sugar. "Why, just the obvious friction among the crew regardless of your gifts removes that possibility."

"Pardon?" Lister asked.

"The very fact that you and The Cat made fun of Rimmer while he was gifted with large enough male genitalia to qualify as a horse under French law shows the fallacy of that viewpoint."

"Uh…yeah," Lister muttered, embarrassed and quietly hid his face behind his tea cup.

"And that's not even taking into account the variety of women summoned by Mr Xander," Kryten continued. "The very fact that their species are completely unknown to us removes the very possibility they were drawn from our memories."

"Yeah," Lister said embarrassed while Rimmer forced himself not to laugh, burying a snort in his hands.

"Well, if you're all good here I have a number of rooms to prepare for our new crew members," Kryten said with a pleased smile.

After Kryten and his girls left Rimmer turned to Lister with a shit eating grin on his face.

"Don't say it," Lister told him.

Rimmer just started laughing hard enough he had to wipe tears from his eyes. "Fine, fine, but I will say any plans we make we should run them by Kryten first."

Xander turned to the monitor a grinning Holly was on. "Did you figure all this out as well?"

"Yeah," Holly agreed, "but it's more amusing to watch them figure it out for themselves."

"So… me being mentally enhanced only brings me up to mechanoid level?" Lister guessed.

"At least in terms of common sense," Holly offered, "which is pretty good for an organic lifeform."

"How long till we get feedback from the probes?" Lister asked, deciding to change the subject.

"We've never stopped getting feedback, they just aren't close enough to tell us anything interesting," Holly replied.

"So how long until we get something interesting?" Xander asked.

"No idea," Holly replied. "Be another hour or two before they get close enough to even scan the moon of the Earth going through World War II and the other three are even further away."

"But only the one Earth has radio broadcasts?" Rimmer asked.

"Yeah, so best guess they are either earlier periods of human history or ones where things went south in a big way," Holly replied.

"Hopefully the former," Xander said, gesturing and creating a card table and chairs. "Well, let's play some cards while we wait."

"You know, creating matter out of nothing really isn't helping the whole 'not a god' thing," Lister said, grabbing a seat.

Xander shrugged. "Pretty sure gods go around saying they're gods and everyone should worship them, something I don't do."

"Not before you're half in the bag anyway," Lister said with a grin as Rimmer joined them at the table.

"If the god of tits and beer says he's not a god I'm not going to argue with him," the former hologram said.

"You're just sucking up," Lister said as Xander dealt everyone five cards.

"Yes, yes I am," Rimmer said cheerfully, "and it's been going swimmingly now that my life is full of tits and beer. Speaking of which…"

Xander gestured and a tray with empty mugs and a full pitcher of beer appeared.

"Yeah that's fair," Lister said as he poured himself a pint. "What are we playing anyway?"

Typing By: Kyrin Fireheart

Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Myst of Shadows

BN: Accidentally typed up the chapter myself before Dogbert pointed out the link to beta the already typed chapter… Embarrassing…