Happy Easter everyone! This is kinda random; we ended up talking about 'Lord of the Rings', the force, and Jell-O eggs. That was our excuse at least. Then we actually started talking about these things. Basically, what would happen if anytime a character from the Lot universe ate a Jell-O egg it caused them to gain the ability to use the force for a short amount of time?
This won't strictly follow either the book or the movies. So don't yell at me for writing it 'wrong'. And yes, I've seen all the movies and read all the books several times.
Bilbo woke up. He had had the strangest dream; Gandalf and dwarves, burglars and dragons. Songs of gold and fire late at night. Ridiculous stuff. Utterly ridiculous! He got out of bed and began getting ready for the day; or more importantly, first breakfast.
"Let's see..." He browsed through the kitchen. "Why am I missing so much food? Why is everything such a mess! Guess I'll go check my emergency cellar." Bilbo sighed as he headed towards the deepest, coldest, cellar in his hole. But as he passed by a fireplace a letter on the mantle caught his eye. Wondering what it was, Bilbo picked it up and gasped as he remembered what had happened the night before. It was the contract!
"I've got to hurry if I don't want to be late!" He cried, and immediately began scurrying around packing. A few minutes later he was off down the road with the largest train of wagons you'll ever see. And back at the hole, his emergency cellar was completely empty.
"Bilbo! There you are! I was afraid you wouldn't make it." Gandalf called out upon seeing the hobbit hurry down the hill. As soon as he saw what Bilbo brought with him however, Gandalf nearly dropped his jaw in astonishment.
"Gandalf!" Bilbo called back in greeting, a wide smile on his face. He slowed when he saw the incredulous looks that the speechless dwarves were giving him, and the astonished expression on the wizard.
"Wow... I didn't think you'd be so surprised to see me. But hey! I signed the contract!" Bilbo grinned, breaking the spell.
"What did you bring?"
"How'd a little guy like you bring all of... of that down here by 'urself?"
"Is it food?"
"I hope you don't expect me to help you carry any of it."
"Are you out of your mind?"
"How heavy is it even?"
"Enough!" Thorin stepped forward, and immediately silence fell. "Well Bilbo, care to explain?"
"I'm bringing Jell-O eggs. Have you ever tried them? They're quite tas-"
"That many!? Absolutely not!" Thorin thundered.
"You'll be grateful for them later." Was the immediate reply.
After some discussion, (and a few samples) Bilbo was allowed to bring his mountain of Jell-O eggs on the journey. The dwarves were indeed grateful for them later.
"There's a light over there!" Balin said to the group. It was rainy and cold and they had nearly lost a good amount of their food to a river when one of the ponies bolted. Bilbo had somehow recovered most of it. When the others asked him about it he only grinned and said, "It was food and I am a hobbit. What did you expect?" To which none of the dwarves were inclined to reply. Oin and Gloin were trying to light a fire with no success, so at the mention of a light they all perked up and began to wonder what it was.
In the end the dwarves, as Gandalf was nowhere to be found, decided to send their burglar to investigate. Seeing as he had no choice in the matter, Bilbo set off silently through the woods as only a hobbit can and presently came upon the fire. For it was a campfire, and around the fire were three trolls. Huge ugly brutes they were too. And Bilbo, though thoroughly disgusted and terrified, wasn't keen on going back empty handed with bad news to boot. So he reached into his pocket and withdrew a single Jell-O egg, glistening like a ruby in the firelight.
"Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrer." Bert groaned.
"Never a blinking bit of manflesh have we had for long enough. What the 'ell William was a-thinkin' of to bring us into these parts at all, beats me-and the drink runnin' short, what's more." Tom complained elbowing William in the ribs and causing him to spill his drink.
"Now look what you've done!" William growled at Tom who was staring openmouthed at the ground. Confused, he followed his gaze, only to jump in surprise at what could only be described as impossible. There, on the ground, was his spilled beer. Running in circles as if it had legs. All the trolls could do was gawk. None of them felt a thing as their purses flew out of their pockets and into the waiting hands of Bilbo.
He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't resist. So he opened his big dumb mouth and said, "I know you said the drink was running short, but I didn't think you meant it literally!" Unsurprisingly, chaos followed.
"Were is that burglar?"
"Up by the fire Thorin." Ori answered.
"I know that!"
"Somebody should go check on him." Balin muttered.
"I'll go." Bofur volunteered.
"We'll all follow behind." Thorin ordered and they all nodded in assent.
Picking up their weapons, they proceeded to 'stealthily' make their way to the light. Anticipating a fight, you can imagine how surprised they were, eyes nearly falling out, when they saw Bilbo chatting pleasantly with the trolls.
Clearing his throat, Thorin called out from the edge of the clearing, "Bilbo! Are you alright?"
"Perfectly fine, thank you!" Bilbo cheerfully called back, "Why don't you join us?"
"Who's that?" A troll peered out into the darkness.
"They are my friends the dwarves." Bilbo told him then proceeded to wave his hand in the trolls face.
"You will not attack the dwarves."
"I will not attack the dwarves."
"You will treat them as honored guests."
"I will treat them as honored guests."
Bilbo then repeated the process with the other trolls before waving his friends towards the fire. "It's perfectly safe." He told them.
The dwarves crept closer to the fire, eyes never leaving the trolls.
"Bilbo," Thorin breathed, " What did you do?"
"Uh, I..." But he never finished his sentence. Just then, the trolls shook their heads and glared at Bilbo who shoved his hands in his pockets. Feeling nothing there, he felt a cold stone a dread drop down in his stomach.
"So I see that ther' ain't any other burrahobbits," William growled, "but there sure are a lot of dwarves!"
"Should we roast them?"
"No, we should mince them up and boil them."
"You are both wrong! We should sit on 'em and squash them into jelly!"
"Dwarf jelly? Uh-uh. No way."
"It be too hard to mince them."
"So we roast them?"
"That'd take too long. The sun'll be up soon and I ain't fancy bein' stone"
"If we start now it won't."
"Then we roast them."
"Wait!" Bilbo called out as the trolls reached to pick up Gloin.
"What is it now?" Bert grumbled.
"You don't want to eat him! He's got uh, worms!"
"What! I do not!" Gloin protested.
"Yes you do!" Bilbo insisted, "Big gross ones too. I know you'd rather keep it a secret bu-"
"Does 'e really have worms?"
"What 'bout this one?" Tom lifted up Bombur.
"Him too." Bilbo confirmed.
"Do you?" Tom eyed Bombur who nodded fervently.
"Wait a second." William said, sounding suspicious, "Do they all have worms?"
"Uh... No of course not!"
"So which ones don't?"
Bilbo pointed to a few dwarves who looked shocked and started to protest that they did indeed have huge worms.
"We don't believe you." Bert told Bifur as he picked him up.
"Wait!" Bilbo called again, causing the trolls to glare at him.
"That one has lice."
"Really now? So are there any dwarves that don't have worms or lice?"
"Well yeah, but..." Bilbo gulped at the icy looks that literally everyone was giving him. "The rest have either the flu or chicken pox."
The trolls blinked at him.
"Right..." William drawled, "You know, I'm beginning to think that you're lying to us."
"Who? Me? Why would I lie to you?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"So are we going to roast these sausages or not?"
"No good roasting 'em now, by the time they're done the sun'll be up." Said a voice.
"Don't start that again Bill! Or it will take all night." Bert said.
"Start what? I didn't say anything!" William protested.
"You did too!"
"Tom must've said it!"
"You calling me a liar?"
"Well are you?"
And on it went. By the time they finally stopped squabbling amongst themselves they could all agree that it was far to late to roast the dwarves and dwarve jelly was out of the question. So mincing and boiling it was then. The trolls got out a big black pot and several wicked knives, but before they could so much as glance at the dwarves a voice called out again.
"No use boiling them either. We don't have any water and the well isn't very close. I'm certainly not going to fetch it!"
"Stop being lazy Tom! It's not that far. Go on, shoo!"
"I'm not being lazy! Why would you call me that!"
"If you're not lazy why're you still 'ere?"
Any retort Tom could make was cut off as the sun broke the horizon, revealing the silhouette of a wizard standing on a large rock; the only thing protecting the panicking trolls from the light. Gandalf uttered a word and struck the stone with his staff. It immediately split in two, allowing the sun to shine full force on the trolls who flung up their hands in feeble attempts to ward off the light.
The trolls slowly turned into statues as their cries of despair faded away and a cheer rose from all thirteen dwarves.
"Well," Gandalf muttered as he got off the rock and began to untie his captured party members, "that could've been worse."
I'ma gonna end it here. Don't worry though, there's lot's more coming. This was originally going to be a one-shot, but I got tired of writing and it's late.
And since we're on the topic of Jell-O, here is a song written by my uncle.
I Like Jell-O
I like Jell-O, Jell-O is so great
I wish that I had nothing but Jell-O on my plate
I like Jell-O, Oh oh oh
I like Jell-O, I think it makes me grow
I like Jell-O, dipped in Jell-O, topped with Jell-O
I like Jell-O, Jell-O is so yummy
I got Jell-O on my spoon and Jell-O in my tummy
I like Jell-O, a little more it couldn't hurt
Please past the Jell-O, it's my dinner and dessert
I like Jell-O, goodbye and hello, another bite of Jell-O
I like Jell-O, Jell-O is amazin'
I'm likin' how it's lookin' and I'm lovin' how it's tastin'
I like Jell-O, man oh man
Please gimme Jell-O, just as fast as you can
Lotsa Jell-O, red or yellow or maybe orange
J is for Jiggley, E's for not Enough of it
L is for like it, L is for Love it
O is for Oh oh oh, I like Jell-O
I like Jell-O, Jell-O is delicious
I'll baby-sit your Jell-O, there's no need to be suspicious
I like Jell-O, I keep it in the frigerator
I like Jell-O, I'll have some now and then some later
I like Jell-O, I'm usually kinda mellow
until I'm near some Jell-O
I like Jell-O, Jell-O is so good
Me and my homies eatin' Jell-O in the hood
I like Jell-O, some people say that it's disgustin'
I like Jell-O, that's why these Jell-O rhymes I'm bustin'
I like Jell-O, did I mention Jell-O and how I really like it