3,796This was the story of how I achieved alien booty for my harem.
It all started at a wedding boutique.
"Why am I here?" Sasori asked, a level of exhaustion in his tone not often heard.
It was a valid question.
Ino, Hinata, Karin, and I had gotten together for a nice girl's night. One thing led to another and in the morning we decided to go to a bridal shop to try on wedding dresses.
Because why not?
Sasori had moved in with me after the war the same day Kimimaro moved out to live with Jūgo. The puppet master insisted it was for the greater good of the world because if I was left alone who knew what I would get up to. It was not at all because the grumpy man was lonely and had grown used to my company and affection.
He was very adamant about that last part.
"We need a groom," I answered cheerfully. "And you look so cute."
"There's no one else we can really ask either," Ino added, doing a twirl in her wedding dress. "As an artist, you can appreciate beauty."
"I appreciate eternal beauty. Weddings are fleeting. The marriages that last always end in death," Sasori said flatly.
"But they're pretty," I said. I took Ino's hands and we spun around. "And isn't this fun? Spinning in pretty dresses is the best."
Hinata took a dainty sip from her champagne glass. "Would you like to try a dress on, Sasori-san?"
Sasori's sheer look of no made me cackle, and the other girls giggled.
"I wonder if I should do a wedding theme for one of the Harem Anniversary parties," I mused. The official day to celebrate my harem was on my birthday, starting from when I was sixteen since that was the legal age of adulthood in that world, ignoring shinobi rank. The first Harem Anniversary was quite the get-together.
Although the one that had just passed–my eighteenth birthday–was one for the history books. I warned everyone before hand that I would be adding mystery concoctions hidden inside the food and drinks, each one causing a different reaction.
Some were hesitant to try it, but peer pressure won over and within an hour after dark everyone invited was either wasted, or trippin' and strippin'.
I did hire a few sober people to babysit. People that out of their mind couldn't really consent, you know? Wanted to make sure no one did something they'd regret.
But damn was it hella fun.
So many pictures. So many memories.
My next one would have to be grand.
"A themed one would be fun," Karin remarked, fixing her glasses. She had a sly smile on her face and she discretely wiped at her nose. "Seeing Itachi-san in a maid uniform would be fun."
I beamed. Itachi and Kisame worked at my bakery in Konoha. I had taken on a couple of apprentices–Haku from Kirigakure and a sweet girl from Sunagakure–who finished their training last month and went on to open their own bakeries in their villages.
Itachi was ordered by Sasuke to repent for his lies by working at my bakery. He obliged. I ruthlessly took advantage of it.
I couldn't always get him to wear every uniform I picked out, but I did get him into cat ears every Monday. Mostly because Mondays were dedicated animal days and I invited members from the Neko Clan under the Uchiha Clan. They were so cute! I loved watching them drink warm milk like it was sake and talk about various cat things. The cat ears headband let us communicate with them comfortably, and that was the only reason Itachi would be willing to indulge.
He looked spiffy in the butler outfit the rest of the week days, except Friday because that was the designated kimono day. The bakery was closed on the weekends because I didn't want to work on the weekends, although my customers insisted I'd make a lot of money if I did.
Since I didn't really care about money, their arguments fell flat.
"Ahh~ I love this dress," exclaimed as she stepped in front of a mirror and admired herself.
There was a reason marriage was on our brains last night.
The day before, we had all visited Kirigakure to attend Zabuza and Mei's wedding. It was a lavish affair, with nearly everyone in Kiri invited. Mei was absolutely stunning in her wedding dress.
When we had our girls' night last night, we couldn't help but admire how lovely she looked and then I brilliantly suggested we try them out for ourselves. What did it matter?
Hinata was the closest one to getting married out of all of us. She and Naruto had started dating shortly after the war ended. Ino and Karin were single and ready to mingle, and I had my harem.
Sasori sighed loudly. "This is ridiculous."
"Ladies, he's right. We should get our dresses custom made," I said.
They cheered. Sasori sighed again.
"Come on, Sasori-san," Ino encouraged, "you're the only one who can be objective here. You know beauty, don't you?"
"Of course I do," he said. "Ugh. Petulant women. Fine. You want my opinion? None of what you picked out suit you."
We gasped, scandalized.
"I'll be right back," he said, and off he went to hunt down some dresses.
Had to say, he had better taste than we did. We rocked it. 10/10.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I decided to purchase my dress and headed over to Kakashi's apartment. Sasori followed behind me, undoubtedly anticipating what was to come.
Kakashi had moved back into the ANBU complex after the war. Without Danzō or the Akatsuki threatening me, there was no reason for him or the tree-baby to live with me. The ex-ANBU Captain valued his privacy and fled home with glee.
That didn't stop me from spontaneously visiting. We still saw each other on an almost daily basis. He always came to the bakery for breakfast in the weekdays if he wasn't on a mission. Team 7 made it a point to get together twice a month for BBQ as well.
I used my spare key to get in–Kakashi was tired of me destroying his locks so he made me a key–and then I waited with eager anticipation.
Kakashi returned home right on time (I had his routine memorized). If he wasn't on a mission, he was training the new ANBU recruits.
He saw me.
He saw the wedding dress.
He paled.
"Today's a special day, se-en-sei~!" I cooed.
He turned on his heel and sprinted away.
I laughed loudly, and Sasori chuckled.
"Oh Goggle Gods, did you see his face?" I wheezed with laughter, clutching at my gut. "Ahhhh, that was so worth the purchase."
"You're evil," Sasori informed me with a cold smile. "Downright atrocious."
"Thank you!" I sang. "Come on, let's go home. I've had my fun."
I skipped out into the hallway and stopped short when I saw a familiar ANBU.
Sasuke.
Sasuke Uchiha had joined the ANBU the same time Naruto started training under Tsunade to take over as the next Hokage. That was a typical outcome anytime Sasuke returned to the village, and Tsunade wasn't exhausted by the war.
If Tsunade was too taxed, Kakashi had to step in as the temporary leader. Thankfully for this life, Madara was a gracious enemy and didn't push them that far. Tsunade was able to keep her position and started to train Naruto take over when he turned twenty.
Sasuke entered the ANBU, gunning for the ANBU Commander position. He didn't want anyone else to go through what he did with his clan, and who better to prevent that than him? And, you know, I think he just genuinely wanted to. He didn't have much direction with his vengeance completed outside of keeping Itachi alive and healthy.
Sasuke sincerely liked his job as a shinobi. He liked training. He liked power.
Most of all, he liked feeling like he was protecting his precious people. There was no better position than ANBU Commander aside from Hokage and Naruto would already won that spot.
Sasuke, still in his ANBU gear, stared at me in my wedding dress exiting Kakashi's apartment.
I winked at him.
He let out a loud, derirvisely snort. "You traumatized him, didn't you?"
"He may or may not be too scared to come home for a bit now."
Sasuke's lips twitched. "Should I congratulate him now?"
"If you do that, we might gaslight him into thinking we—" I gasped. "DUCK-BUTT YOU BRILLIANT BASTARD!"
"I have my moments," he said graciously.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I declared an emergency meeting at the Hokage's office with Naruto, Sasuke, Hinata, Sasori, and Sai. Sasori wasn't part of Team 7 but he was my roommate so he was obligated to participate in all of my shenanigans.
"See that moon?" I said as I pointed to the growing closer moon. It had become noticeably larger over the past couple of months. "That's the sign that alien booty will descend upon us."
"Naturally," said Sai.
"What other reason could there possibly be?" Sasuke quietly asked.
"Why are you in a wedding dress?" Naruto asked.
"I want that alien booty for my harem," I continued on.
"Did you get married without telling me, your best friend?" Naruto asked, starting to sound offended.
"I was there," Sasuke mildly put in.
"Shut up. I'm still mad at you for abandoning us."
"I've been back longer than I was away," Sasuke argued.
"Abandoner."
I clapped my hands together. "Returning to my very important point about the alien booty I want."
"Sorry, go on," Naruto apologized.
"Does the alien have a Dick Advocate yet?" Sai questioned.
"I–I don't know," I admitted. "We can ask. ANYWAY. That alien booty is going to try to marry Hina-chan first."
"Pardon?" Hinata asked.
"How could you get married without m–WAIT, WHAT?!" Naruto yelled.
"Mm-hmm. Hina-chan, can you wing-man for me?" I asked her, giving her my big ol' pleading eyes.
Hinata smiled. "Yes, Sa-chan! Leave it to me. What do you know about Alien-san?"
"He's so friggin' hot."
Naruto squinted suspiciously. "How hot?"
"Not hot enough to steal Hina-chan from you, but hot enough that if Madara-sama didn't exist I might've sworn by his hotness instead."
"Wow," said Naruto. "Hot man."
"Mm-hmm. Anyway, Naruto and I will crash his wedding with Hina-chan–"
"I'm gonna kick his ass if he does anything," Naruto calmly said.
I couldn't resist giggling halfway through at that. "–and I'll do my best to persuade him into my harem. But! Before that, the reason I'm in a wedding dress. I went to Kakashi's apartment–" I remembered Kakashi's face of traumatized shock and burst out into laughter. "Hehehehehe–I–hehehe–I–hehehe—"
"She might have misled him to thinking they were going to get married," Sasori explained on my behalf while I was bent over laughing.
"Without me?" Naruto whispered. "I have been betrayed, Hina-chan."
Hinata patted Naruto's shoulder. "I think I know where his is going. You want us to mislead Kakashi into thinking the wedding will be for you two, when in actuality you plan to use it to bring Toneri into the harem?"
I gave her two thumbs up.
"You want us to lie, trick, and traumatize our beloved teacher for shits and giggles?" Naruto asked. "Of course we will!"
"Great plan," Sasuke said with a smirk.
"This will be interesting to watch," Sai happily added.
"Evil," Sasori remarked with a smile. "Truly, utterly, evil."
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
Hinata
Hinata waited patiently to get kidnapped. She sat on a swing, alone, in a park at night. She hummed a merry little tune.
She was curious what Alien-san would look like for Sakura to swoon over him.
She also wondered why Alien-san would want to marry her.
Sakura told Hinata he was lonely and misunderstood, but she said the same thing about Madara and he was a psychopath.
Although, Madara did kiss Sakura and seemed genuinely fond of her when they met in the war so maybe he wasn't that bad?
Hinata would bet Alien-san would be the same. How could he not?
She loved Sakura. She was warm, bubbly, hilarious, and so kind. She hoped the Alien would be as nice.
Sakura told Hinata that Alien-san was drawing the moon closer to the planet to try and destroy the world. She said he was acting out of a misunderstanding over his brother's will. Sakura drew a map to where Hinata could guide Alien-san to a graveyard. Sakura also prepared a letter explaining everything to Alien-san.
All Hinata had to do was give him the gift basket and take him to the graveyard when he asked.
Well.
She also had to keep him company for a few days to try and convince him that Sakura was an amazing person and he really should to join the harem.
"What are you singing?"
Hinata looked up. A pale man stepped out of the shadows. He had shaggy white hair, and kept his eyes closed. She supposed he was nice-enough looking, although compared to Naruto's smile, he might as well have been a pile of garbage.
Hinata smiled patiently. "A favorite lullaby. Who are you?"
He stepped out of the shadows and into the light illuminated by one of the park's lampposts. "I'm Toneri. I've come for you."
"Okay," Hinata agreed. She stood up from the swing and brushed off the bits of snow. She almost startled as a second presence appeared behind her.
"You… come willingly?"
"My best friend asked me to," she said.
Toneri tilted his head inquisitively. "I do not understand."
"My best friend, Sakura-chan, asked me to go with you when you came," she said. "She predicted your arrival perfectly. She's very fond of you."
"Who?" Toneri's brow creased.
"Sakura-chan," said Hinata.
"How does she know me?"
"It's one of her gifts." Hinata lifted a basket that had been at her feet previously. "I was also asked to give you this."
"What is it?" Toneri accepted the basket.
"A gift basket. Sakura made everything herself."
"I… see."
"Shall we leave now?"
"Ah… yes, let us depart."
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
The next morning, Team 7 was called to Tsunade's office. Kakashi, Naruto and I bumped into each other outside the building.
"Congratulations, Kaka-sensei," Naruto said, clapping Kakashi's back.
Kakashi's only visible eye narrowed. "For what?"
"You know," said Naruto. "Hey, Sakura! You looked beautiful in that wedding dress."
I beamed. "Aww, thank you."
"Congratulations," Naruto said. "I'm happy for you."
Kakashi cleared his throat. "Um, what?"
"You know," said Naruto.
"N-No–You can't–You can't possibly–" Kakashi looked between us, he paled by the second.
"Isn't this nice?" Sasuke cut in as he shushined beside me, a smug smile on his face. "Team 7 together again. Congratulations, by the way."
"Thank you," I said while Kakashi rubbed his forehead.
"You guys are messing with me. Clearly," he said.
"Congratulations, Sakura," said Sai as he joined us.
There was a pause of silence.
"No," said Kakashi. "Not falling for it.
"Falling for what?" we innocently asked.
"Come on, let's go see what this mission is," said Naruto.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
With Hinata
Hinata and Toneri were seated beside one another, a plate of macarons in front of them. They had returned from visiting the graveyard scarcely an hour later, and Toneri invited Hinata to join him for tea. He had to make a stop by a temple before hand–something about needing to stop his plan to destroy the world, which Hinata thought was a very good thing–but he did not keep her waiting for long.
The macarons were one of the things inside the gift basket.
"Your friend… Sakura… I'm glad she sent you to guide me there," said Toneri quietly, his pale blue eyes focused on the macarons. "That letter… and her gifts… It's greatly appreciated."
"Sakura-chan is a lovely young woman," Hinata gently encouraged.
"Yes. The eyes she gave me–"
'Eyes?'
"–are pristine. I would like to meet her. When did you say she was coming?"
"A few more days," answered Hinata.
"And she made these?" Toneri asked as he took a bite of the macaron.
"Yes."
"Divine," he whispered.
"Yes," Hinata agreed. "Speaking of divine, have you heard of harems…?"
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
"Team 7," Tsunade addressed behind her desk. Her hands were steepled together in front of her. "It has come to my attention that Hinata Hyūga has been kidnapped. Rescue her."
"What? Hinata was kidnapped? That's insane. I'm so worried about her," Naruto said with great exaggeration that it was plainly obvious he was lying.
"We'll rescue her," Sasuke said, accepting the mission with a solemn air.
"Good. Oh and by the way, congratulations are in order." Tsunade smiled at me. "Congrats, Sakura-chan. I wish you nothing but a lifetime of happiness."
I beamed. "Thanks, Shishō!"
Kakashi cleared his throat. "Hokage-sama?"
"Yes, yes. Congrats to you as well, Kakashi."
"What?"
"Now get out," Tsunade said dismissively.
Shizune entered the office then, holding their pet pig. Shizune held the door open for us and smiled. "I'm glad I caught you all before you left for the missions. Congratulations!"
"Thank you," I said.
Kakashi's brow creased with concern.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
Back with Hinata
"... and that was how Sakura-chan rescued the current Fuedal Lord of Spring," Hinata concluded the story.
She figured being a good wingman meant bragging about Sakura a lot. She had plenty of stories to tell, and thankfully Toneri was a good listener.
"Fascinating," said Toneri. He had a very soft voice. It reminded Hinata of Itachi, actually. The Uchiha had a gentle way of speaking that Hinata admired. She found it surprising that such a sweet soul could ever become a missing-nin, even if it was for the sake of Konoha and his beloved younger brother.
The Akatsuki were actually an interesting bunch.
When she was a child, Hinata would have never guessed she'd become good friends with missing-nin. Itachi, Kisame, and Sasori were regulars in her life, and all of them treated her courteously. Or, in Sasori's case, courteous as one puppet could be.
She was not as close to the other members as Sakura and Naruto. She knew Naruto was close to Nagato and Konan–the four of them would have dinner together whenever the Amegakure leaders visited Konoha–and she had heard through Ino that Hidan was flourishing in T&I.
Kakuzu only visited Konoha a few times in the year and remained in the Land of Spring the rest of the time. One visit for the Harem Anniversary party that Sakura threw, the second during the audit for Sakura's bakery, and the third during the Rinne Festival. He was a curt man with a no-nonsense attitude.
The last living member, Deidara, was a nomad. He spontaneously visited whenever his muse permitted it, although he had made it a point to show up for the Harem Anniversary parties. Hinata didn't know him well enough to form an opinion. It didn't help that Sasori constantly complained how much of a cheeky brat he was with a "horrible sense of taste."
"Would you like to hear another story?" Hinata offered.
"Yes, thank you," Toneri murmured.
Hinata pondered her choices. She then smiled. "I'll tell you about our Chūnin Exams. The exams are divided into three sections. The first part was monitored by Konoha's head of Torture & Interrogation, a very scary man named Ibiki–"
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
"Hey! Congrats Sakura!" Ino called out as our team made its way to the gate. She and her team were gathered together–likely for a team meeting or training
"Thanks Ino!" I said, waving at her.
"Kakashi, you must be sooo happy!" Ino added.
"Not. Falling. For. It," Kakashi said sternly. "Let's move."
"Congrats Kakashi!" called out Asuma.
"No."
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
It took a couple of days to reach Toneri's palace. Finding the right portal to teleport all of us was a bit trickier than I remembered.
Then again, I didn't make it this far very often. Only in Miwako's life, and she and Kurama ultimately sacrificed themselves to save Boruto. Miwako was too dependent on Kurama's chakra, and Naruto needed all of it at that moment–
She–I–
How could I not make the sacrifice?
So while Miwako did partake in the quest to face Toneri, she didn't see the end of Boruto. That was a special privilege only Mia held so far, which was admittedly likely because she lived as a civilian. A civilian who was heavily protected by Obito, and many powerful people.
I hoped I'd get through it this time. Since I knew what was coming, I was much better prepared to deal with the upcoming threats.
Regressing–
We eventually made our way to the moon where Toneri lived in his big empty palace with a hundred puppets. The poor lonely boy.
"Alright, since we're here I need to do a quick change. Be right back," I said.
Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke nodded in understanding.
Kakashi looked up at the world above us. "We're on the moon. The world is our sky. And yet the fact that she feels the need to change is what fills me with dread."
"Congrats," Naruto whispered.
"Why are you congratulating me?!"
It took me a minute to get changed. I returned wearing my wedding dress and holding a bouquet.
Kakashi buried his face in his hands. "Why?"
"Because today's my special day. I'm coming for that Toneri booty," I said.
"We are not getting marr–wait, what?" Kakashi stared at me.
"Hina-chan's my wing-man of honor," I said. "Softening him up, yeah? Now it's time to finish the job. I'll steal the wedding and make it mine."
"What," Kakashi whispered in horror.
Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke clapped for me.
"We're so happy for you," Sasuke dryly said, his voice rich with sarcasm.
Sai said, "We hope your friendship won't end in a betrayal or premature death like too many do."
I sniffled. "This is the happiest day of my life."
"Same," Naruto agreed, nodding along.
"What," Kakashi repeated.
"Congratulations," Naruto and Sasuke said, patting my back.
"Thanks guys. Kakashi, as the officiant–"
"What," he whispered again.
"Yeah," said Naruto. "What else did you think we were congratulating the two of you for?"
Sasuke smirked. "Hn. What kind of impression were you under, Kakashi?"
"I, I, um, I…" Kakashi trailed off, a despondent look in his eyes. His shoulders slumped. "I don't know."
I skipped off and promptly kicked the front doors down.
"I OBJECT!" I cried out, as the massive doors fell to the floor.
"ME TOO!" Naruto exclaimed. "THAT'S MY WAIFU!"
"AND THAT'S MY HUSBANDO!" I said. "Come to me, Toneri. I'll treat you well."
To my surprise, we were not interrupting a wedding, nor was there an army of puppets we had to fight like last time. In the entrance hall, Toneri and Hinata awaited us. Neither were dressed for a wedding.
"Huh," I said. "No wedding? You're not going to try to marry Hina-chan?"
"I was," Toneri explained with a smile, "but I chose a different bride."
I squealed. "Woo-hoo! Let's be friends, please join my harem!"
Toneri's smile widened. "Thank you for the eyes… thank you for the truth… and thank you for this offer. I… feel comfortable to accept."
"Yay!" I cheered and ran forward with my arms outstretched. Toneri was surprised at my sudden hug-attack, but took like a champ. "You should come with us, Toneri! You've been up here for so long–why not make some more friends?"
"Why not stay here instead?" he politely offered.
"Sorry dear," I apologized. "I'll be your waifu, but I can't stay to be your wife. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to be surrounded by a lot of people who like you instead of just one?"
"I… suppose that… does sound nice…" Toneri glanced behind him at his solitary castle.
"It does," I insisted. "Come on, you can stay at Hina-chan's place."
"He can?" Hinata blinked. Then she smiled. "He can! Come, Toneri-san, let me introduce you to my little sister. We can go to Sa-chan's bakery in the mornings together with Naruto-kun."
"With more of those macarons?"
"So many more!"
Toneri's entire demeanor brightened. "Okay."
And that was how I secured alien booty for the harem.
The wedding boutique wasn't as relevant for the Toneri part, but it was essential for what came next.
See, after we made it back to Konoha, Naruto decided to take Toneri under his wing and give him a grand tour of Konoha. Sai and Sasuke felt threatened about their position as Naruto's best bros so they were obligated to tag along to establish dominance, and Hinata had to head home to reassure her family she was fine.
Kakashi and I were the last ones standing near the front gates of Konoha. I didn't have any particular reason to run off; it was very late by the time we got back and I wasn't tired in the least bit.
Plus I liked being in a wedding dress. It was neat. I wanted to savor it.
Kakashi lingered, his gaze fixated on the moon we were once on.
"You do… look nice," said Kakashi. "I'm sorry I didn't mention it before."
I turned quickly to him, my dress twirling with me. I beamed and reached up to cup his left cheek. "Thank you."
"Congratulations," he said softly, "for your new member."
"Heheh. Thank you. Although I am a wee bit sad, you know!"
"How come?"
"I'm in a pretty dress and no one has swept me off my feet, not once." I dramatically sighed. "Heartbreaking, really."
Kakashi let out a quiet heh. He bent down and picked me up, bridal style. He did an honorary spin.
"There now," he said. "Can't be sad anymore."
"Don't like me sad?" I teased, bumping my forehead against his.
"I always want you to be happy," he said.
"Even if I drive you mad?"
He chuckled. "Even then. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
"Kakashi, I really want to kiss you now."
His eyes crinkled into that famous eye smile. I bent my head and tugged down his mask.
And as the snow started to fall again that chilly winter night, we shared our first of many kiss.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I just wanted to do this. I have some scenes for Boruto so I might post one more bonus chapter. Idk.
Sequel is up if anyone wants to read it (titled Doctor Sasori). Shares an update schedule with the JJK story.
Answer:
Question: If you could pull off any prank against anyone in the Narutoverse - who would you prank, and what would you do?
Reviews are love!