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How to Get Sasuke 101
by Lhian Ackerman
Because getting Sasuke Uchiha to fall in love with me is harder than it looks. [Fangirl OC X Sasuke]
Step 1
1.) Know everything there is to know about Sasuke Uchiha. And I mean everything.
"Why are we even here?"
Takahiro sighed. "You know why. Isamu-sensei doesn't trust Aika enough to be quiet."
"I don't get it. Everybody knows that you have to pass your Jounin instructor's test to be Genin."
"And by everybody, you mean everybody who managed to pass the Academy's standard Genin exam. If you can recall, you threatened to report Isamu-sensei to the Hokage when he announced we had to pass his own personal test."
"... Shut up Taka-chan. I was young back then."
"And a year was enough to smother your immaturity?"
"I've outgrown my selfish bouts of immaturity. Aren't you aware of how amazing I am?"
"I'm aware of how amazing you are not."
"Just you wait, Taka-chan. The moment sensei asks us both to spar, I'll kick your sorry bug-infested ass."
"That'll take a while then. It appears that their teacher hasn't even announced the teams yet."
"Huh? How did you know that? Did Aika-chan tell you?"
"No. I placed a bug on Aika. Just to make sure she doesn't do anything funny."
"... That was actually pretty smart, Taka-chan. I would never have thought of that."
"Don't worry. It's not like I expect you to."
"Humph. I hate you. Like, really, really hate you."
"Of course."
"I'll kick your ass."
"Of course."
"And you'll be sorry."
"Of course."
"Wait you actually agreed with me?"
"You're annoying."
Haruki grumbled. "Of course you'll say that."
I debated on whether or not I should cross out the first step. Should I? Or should I not? I mean, am I really worthy enough to cross out the first thing on my list? I think I am. Look, I don't know if you knew this, but I spent 7 years. I spent 7 grueling years of my life obtaining information about Sasuke-kun. 7 years. Uh, don't get me wrong, though. While I learn new things about Sasuke-kun more and more each passing day (yesterday I learned that Sasuke-kun was using the same brand of toothpaste that I was using, which was freaking sweet), I knew for a fact that I had a pretty good grasp of who Sasuke Uchiha is. And well... that should count for something... right?
Sighing, I sealed the notebook away. I should think this over when I get home. I can't afford to waste any more time than I should have.
I raised my binoculars and took a peek at Sasuke-kun. Humming, I swung my legs over the branch that I was sitting on. He hasn't noticed me. Good. Not to brag or anything, but I was pretty good at hiding and just being overall... forgettable. I spent my years in the Academy honing my skills in stealth and information gathering, which came at a price. I didn't have the patience nor the interest for other ninja fields such as Ninjutsu and yes, Taijutsu. With that being said, I don't mind that I was lacking in the skills department. After all, the skills where I actually invested time and energy into were all worth it. I can't say that I've perfected them. But I was good enough to follow Sasuke-kun wherever he went without being caught. That's not to say I didn't mess up every now and then. I mean, sure, there were a few... incidents where he kind of got suspicious. He's never managed to pinpoint it was me, though. Thanks to the sheer number of fangirls following him (all of which did horrible jobs at stalking him, the idiots), it seems like Sasuke-kun was used to having girls follow him. Unfortunately for them, it means that he's good at avoiding them too. Hmm. Maybe fangirls are good for something after all. Without them, I wouldn't have managed to maintain my anonymity and watch Sasuke-kun from afar.
Maybe I was being too critical of them? I mean, it wasn't their fault they were born with a pea-sized brain and that, well, they weren't as awesome and as talented as me. With a nod, I decided to invite them to my wedding as some sort of apology. I mentally patted myself on the back. I'm so awesome. I'm so brilliant. Bloody brilliant, in fact. I'm sure Sasuke wouldn't mind. I'm sure that if I explained that it was thanks to them that we were able to get together and fall in love...
Wait, no. Nevermind. I snarled at the sight of two girls entering the classroom. Well, stormed in, was more like it. Their names were... ah, yes. Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. Sasuke had a bunch of fangirls, a billion of them to be exact, but it was those two who really took the cake. Which... makes me wonder about the flavor of my wedding cake... Sasuke-kun wouldn't appreciate chocolate now, would he... do wedding cakes come in tomato flavor?
Aw crap. I need to focus. What was I talking about? Sakura? Ah yes, Sakura. Sakura... well I don't really care about her. Who cares if she was the vice-president of the Sasuke Uchiha fan club? Huh? What do you mean you don't know about the Sasuke Uchiha fan club? Shame on you and your ignorant ways. For your info, I entertained the idea of joining the fan club once upon a time, but quickly shot down the idea when I realized that trading information was expected of everyone, and sharing information about the Uchiha was practically a cardinal sin for me. So, as much as I hate to say it (not), Sakura Haruno, I deduced, was actually pretty worthless. I saw her student record (by accident, of course. It was Sasuke-kun's record I was really after). She scored high in academics, but everything else was pretty much subpar. It was Ino, Haruki's cousin that I'm weary of.
Ino was way more popular than Sakura. I never really knew why. Must be because she's blonde. To recall, Haruki was pretty popular in our year too. With the ladies, to be exact. But I'm not entirely sure if their charisma is all because of their hair color or something else. Pretty sure it's the former, what with those popular teenage dramas everyone's so hyped up about. If I can recall, almost everyone in those shows was blonde. Or, maybe I'm wrong about all this and they could have super secret Yamanaka powers that brainwash people should they so desire. Who knows? Anyways, Ino's popularity landed her the position of president and supreme overlord of the fan club. Well, not really a supreme overlord. Yes, she's bossy and yes, I caught her leading a small team of fangirls in an effort to follow Sasuke-kun home (which failed miserably, much to my delight). But despite that, she's not... supreme overlord evil. Compared to Isamu-sensei, she's like a saint. But that doesn't mean she's not annoying. Oh ho. Far from it, actually. As of now, Ino is my biggest threat. Sure she's... the same year as Sasuke and sure she... takes care of herself better than I do. I mean, I can't deny that she has good taste in fashion. I'll give her that. Unlike her, I don't really dress to impress. If anything I dress to repress my presence. When I chose my all-time favorite green hoodie, I chose it because it offered me camouflage. Konoha has a bunch of trees scattered about, thanks to Hashirama and his dopey ass skills.
Yep. Konoha's prized trees are where I usually stake out. Thanks to my awesomely green hoodie, it was harder to tell me apart from the leaves I was trying to blend in with. I became Aika of the hidden leaves easily. Heh. My jokes are really funny. Maybe I should consider pursuing comedy? Hmm. Would Sasuke-kun like that? He doesn't seem like the type of guy who likes comedy. Or anything funny in general. Maybe he'll change his mind when it comes to me? To be fair, there's a lot to like about me. What wouldn't he like about me?
... Actually, now that I think about it... I looked down at my clothes. Would Sasuke-kun like my sense of fashion? I know he doesn't really look at a girl's clothes, but still. From what I was wearing, I kind of look like a stylish... tree, more or less. A tree with a penchant for stalking a raven-haired boy with dreamy eyes. But ha! Who cares! This is all just temporary anyway. I'll wear my best clothes when Sasuke-kun sees me. And I swear, when Sasuke-kun's eyes land on me, they'll pop out from how gorgeous I looked.
Hopefully.
Anyways, what I wear doesn't matter. What matters is that I know stuff that Ino doesn't. Stuff she can only dream of getting her hands on. Stuff that require skill, and awesomeness to acquire. All of which are things she doesn't have. Mwahaha.
I watched as Sakura and Ino bickered about who gets the honor of sitting next to Sasuke. The seat itself wasn't anything special. The fact that Sasuke-kun has occupied the seat next to it made it a zillion times more valuable than it was before. Too bad there's no way in hell I can sit next to my beloved. My soulmate. My one and only. My... you get it. I'm running out of ideas here. With a huff, I grudgingly looked away.
I envy them, you know. Sakura and Ino and pretty much everyone who was classmates with Sasuke. Not only were they in the same year as Sasuke-kun, they had the added bonus of seeing him almost daily with no effort! Jerks. Sometimes, I really hate my mother for giving birth to me a year earlier than Sasuke-kun. I mean, she could have just waltzed up to Sasuke's parents and asked them when they were expecting. Which is... kinda hard to do, now that I think about it. Hmm. Then I can't really blame mom. Imagine the sheer mortification she'll have to go through when she decides to ask his mother for the date of Sasuke-kun's birth.
"Uchiha-sama."
"Oh, hello there. Is there a problem?"
"I need your help."
"My help?"
"Yes. Your help. I can't do this without you."
"Well, I don't know if I'll be of any assistance. But I'll try."
"Thank you. I wanted to ask, have you decided on having another baby?"
"... Pardon?"
"And, if you have decided when are you due?"
"..."
"..."
"... Excuse me, but why are you asking? Surely I don't see how you're connected to me... having another... baby."
"Oh, but I am. Connected you mean."
"You are?"
"Yes. It's quite simple really."
"Oh?"
"You see, my future daughter is destined to be the wife of your son."
"..."
Yeah, that wasn't gonna happen.
I raised my binoculars again. Somehow, the two bimbos have managed to attract the attention of the entire fan club. Now everyone was fighting tooth and nail for the seat. My gaze turned skyward. Is it too much to ask for them to kill each other? Will a deity listen to my prayer despite the fact that I was asking for the death of a whole species named fangirl? Look at them! I winced when I saw a particularly vicious and brutal session of hair yanking. I should feel sorry for them. I know I should. Instead, I whooped and cheered them on as Sakura was pushed back several feet thanks to a killer heel kick. Any second now and someone will draw blood. Then it's bye-bye to the fan club.
Then all of a sudden, they just... stopped. I blinked, then checked again to see if I was imagining things. Nope. They definitely stopped. Miffed and definitely disappointed, I followed their gazes to see what the fuss was all about. It had better be worth it, I grumbled to myself. They were this close to murdering each other senseless.
I blinked.
I paled.
Then I screamed.
It was a good thing that the other fangirls had the same idea as me. Thank God. Their screams managed to drown out my own.
"Aika!"
Now that... that was a familiar voice. Something tells me that the voice belongs to Takahiro the uptight ass. Heh. Uptight ass. Still, when did he arrive? And... is that... Haruki? Huh. So we have Takahiro... plus Haruki? Uh... Takahiro and Haruki... together? Conveniently near the place where I was staking out? ... Are they on a date? Probably not. Holy crap, I hope they're not. They're straight. I know they're straight. Besides, this place is a weird location for a date - wait. Wait wait wait wait. They're here... and I'm here... everyone's here. Were they ... were they actually... spying on me?
If it had been any other day, I would've chased them away with my awesome Genjutsu skills. Because... you know, I was that awesome. I would've tricked Haruki into thinking that he was going bald and that Takahiro was being chased by an anteater. They'd go away eventually, and I would be left alone to my own devices as I think of a convoluted plan to make an equally convoluted Uchiha fall in love with me.
And then Haruki and Takahiro would appear to drag me away after they realize they had been in fact placed under a Genjutsu. Which… usually, takes 10 minutes. Tops. See, this isn't really fair on my part. I've been placing them under Genjutsu for as long as I can remember. Sensei wanted the three of us to be capable of noticing and dispelling Genjutsu at all times, which ultimately lead me to cast them whenever Isamu-sensei threatened me to. Of course with so much exposure to my Genjutsu, they'd catch on sooner or later that I was following after Sasuke-kun and subsequently leaving them at the mercy of Isamu-sensei. Unfortunately for me, this means that they'd have fun during target practice, as Isamu-sensei would probably volunteer me to be a moving target as punishment for ditching practice.
Alas, it was never meant to be. Takahiro and Haruki appeared, alarm evident on their features. Since Genjutsu is a no-no, I wanted to surprise them with something else. I have to be spontaneous, you know? Got to keep them on their toes. I needed something new. Something... jaw-dropping. Heart-stopping (heart attacks are an added bonus, though, so don't forget that). I wanted to show them something that will knock their socks off. Not that they have socks. I mean, nobody except a few weirdos wears socks. In fact, most of the ninja population wear sandals. 'Cause they're... versatile? I don't really know. Still, you get the point. I gave my teammates horrified looks and - wait for it - burst into tears.
And it wasn't the pretty kind. When I cried, I always had snot dripping down my nose.
Haruki looked stunned. Score. "What - what happened? Why did you scream?"
The image of - oh god I feel so weak. I can't even finish my trail of thought. Oh God, it's so bad that I can't even finish my trail of thought. This is bad. "Sasuke-kun - he - that blonde guy he - his virgin lips!" I wailed.
Haruki knelt down and tried to assess me for injuries. Which was stupid of him to do! The idiot. Sure, I felt dizzy and nauseous and my body was probably shaking uncontrollably. I mean, hello, trauma? Still, that wasn't the problem. I shoved the Yamanaka away weakly. Which... wasn't hard to do. I sucked at Taijutsu and my headache was becoming worse. I think it's the fact that I sluggishly tried to push him away was what made him back off. I treated the Yamanaka like a disease, so me initiating the physical contact probably threw him in for a loop. But I disregarded my pride, my health, and my personal hygiene. Why? I needed to tell them. Tell them that Sasuke-kun's virgin lips were corrupted by that good for nothing blonde blue-eyed asshole -
"Virgin lips? What do you mean? Tell us what happened!" demanded Takahiro. "Aika!"
They kissed, I thought faintly. I wanted to giggle though. I never thought Takahiro would say something as vulgar as virgin lips. Or say it with such a straight face. But I felt like sleeping. Sleeping was good. I shook my head with a sniffle before I fainted.
I awoke with a scream.
I sat up and Haruki was immediately on my side. He held my shoulders firmly and shook me a little. "Aika! It's okay! You're alright! You're with us."
I don't remember exactly what happened here. Everything feels... fuzzy. Like you've just woken up from 12 hours of sleep (my first week with Isamu-sensei could probably attest to that) and you're halfway there towards being awake. All I know is that Haruki does this - you know, the shaking me till I was seeing stars bit - for several more moments before he's satisfied with what he sees and moves away from me, but still close enough to detain me if I decided on throwing another fit. Which I won't. Probably. I bunched the white sheets covering my lower body. The bed underneath me isn't comfortable at all. The bed was really lumpy. So lumpy in fact, I felt like sleeping on the ground was a better choice. At least the ground doesn't feel like you're lying on a dozen anthills digging in your back. Stupid beds. Why exist if the ground is a better option for sleeping than you? Not to mention the stupid nurses. I knew this clinic reeked of corruption the moment I walked in (you know, specifically my 18th trip to the clinic). I caught one of the nurses using the school funds to buy more porn novels instead of buying better mattresses. Do they not see my poor, aching back?
... Though there's a good chance it was caused by Taijutsu practice and not the beds. Still, it's the thought that counts.
Dazed, I processed Haruki's words. I feel like my brain is still asleep. I can't organize my thoughts... nor can I gather my bearings. With them? I blinked. Haruki was with someone. I looked around and found Takahiro silent a few feet away from me, guarding the... door? I gave him a blank look. Where are we? And why the heck are you guarding the door? I wanted to ask. I decided against it as I looked over Haruki's shoulder and saw the familiar white walls and cheap ass beds of the Academy clinic. I saw cracked tiles and chipping paint and dreary curtains and - I took a whiff of bleach. Yep. Definitely the clinic. Ah, memories. I went here a lot during my time in the Academy. I always had my ass handed back to me whenever my teacher versed me with anyone who was capable of Taijutsu... Which was, practically everyone in my class. Yeah. Good old Academy clinic.
Then a flash of raven went through my mind - oh God - and I couldn't help the fat drop that rolled down my cheek. My snot didn't wait to play catch up. "Sasuke-kun... He..." I swallowed.
Takahiro and Haruki exchanged a look. Haruki gave me a pitying look. "We know what happened Aika. Ino told us everything."
"... Everything?"
"Everything." I stayed silent after that. I really didn't want to talk. Or do anything, really. Instead, Haruki babbled on and on about how worried they were when I fainted, and how hard they tried to convince the nurses to keep quiet about the whole thing. Probably bribed them with more porn novels, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, Haruki lost me after that (I think he mentioned something along the lines of Takahiro and virgin lips). Silence drowned his words. The colors of raven and blonde blurred together and I found myself drifting away...
It was clear that the whole thing was just a... accident... I saw Sasuke-kun's face. He was just as horrified as me. Or more so. Either way, I couldn't tell. I've never been kissed by anyone, much less someone from the same sex. Except for my mom. Still, the fact that he lost his first kiss to someone who... well, wasn't me, was enough to push me over the edge. Get it? The edge. I balled my fists. Oh, that jerk is just asking for it! Screw glare level 5! I'll be shooting lasers from my eyes! I swear, I will make it my life's mission to find out that asshole's name and discover what keeps him up at night! I will hang him with his intestines and nail his entrails on his parents' doorframe -
"However," Takahiro cut in. Jerk. How dare he? I was on a roll. "I don't see the reason why you had to react so..." He pursed his lips in distaste. "Dramatically."
That reeled me back in. I gaped. "Dramatically?! Sasuke-kun lost his virgin lips, Takahiro!" Which means it warrants such a reaction you good for nothing -
"I mean, have you ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe... Sasuke was... gay?" Haruki asked awkwardly. He squirmed under my disbelieving stare but he continues on bravely. "He's never shown any interest in girls... and now he's making out with a random guy from his class."
I gave them the dirtiest look I could muster. They better thank their lucky stars that I didn't have the energy for a glare level 5. Or a glare at all for that matter. I didn't give them an answer either. Not when they didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Of my situation.
I stayed silent as I tried to wipe away my endless supply of tears. Discreetly, I did the same with my snot. In my mind, Sasuke-kun and I would be each other's first kiss. It would be just like how they wrote in the novels. We'd have a candlelit dinner in the fanciest restaurant in the Land of Fire, and, after that, Sasuke-kun would take me to the beach. The moon would be smiling down at us. The stars would be twinkling and the water would lap and crash against each other. We'd walk along the shore, smiling and laughing and then Sasuke-kun would give me this smoldering, almost tender look. I'd blush. He'd grab both my hands and lean in close, his raven hair tickling my cheeks. With a shaky breath, I'd close my eyes and -
Realize that this was never going to happen! Sasuke-kun's virgin lips are gone. They were gone. Gone and never coming back. If I had known that this was going to happen - that it was going to happen today of all days - I could've - I would've -
I stopped. Today. Today, something very important happened. I whirled around and screeched, "Sasuke-kun's team!" Takahiro winced and Haruki covered his ears. But I didn't care if I was going Banshee at the moment. They could go deaf for all I care. "His team! Who are they?!"
Again. They exchanged another look. It's scary how they managed to hold a silent conversation with their eyes and not go after each others' throats. Are they... actually getting along? Or worse, are they dating? Wait. The fact that they are getting along (or dating) for the sake of telling me Sasuke's team placement isn't a good thing. Nope, definitely not a good thing. Crap. Oh crap crap crap. It was Takahiro who broke eye-contact first and he spoke up. "You're not going to like this."
I wanted to yell at them to hurry the hell up. Who cares if I'm not going to like it? But I nodded anyway. I didn't want to scare them away. They know stuff I need to get my hands on. I guess my answer was too eager for Takahiro's taste. Because he took a really, really long time to reply. The jerk.
"Do you know Sakura Haruno?" I nodded again. Albeit slower. Slow and subtle is the way to do it. "Well, she's been teamed up with Sasuke."
Sakura Haruno? I frowned. That... didn't make any sense. Teams usually consist of people who amplify each other's strengths and cover up their weaknesses. Teams are almost always created with a specialization in mind. Haruki, Takahiro and I specialized in stealth and information gathering. Likewise, Guy-sensei's team, which consisted of Lee, some random Hyūga... and Tenten? Was it Tenten? Bah. In any case, those three specialized in close quarter combat. With Tenten (again, I'm not sure) being the long distance fighter. Oh my gosh, I actually remembered that. Ha! Take that Isamu-sensei. I do so listen to your stupid lectures... sometimes. Okay, maybe only a little bit. At least I try.
Despite the fact that Sakura was head-over-heels in love with Sasuke-kun, and the, you know, she deserved to die thing going on, I tried to reign in my must-kill-all-fangirls side of me. As much as I despised the idea of them being teamed up together... I had to figure out why she was placed in a team with Sasuke-kun first. I just… didn't see the reason why she was placed on Sasuke-kun's team. The revenge thing could probably be pushed later on. I toyed with the idea of Sakura the bimbo and Sasuke-kun the perfect, perfect specimen being on a team together. So... Sakura was placed there as, what? Eye-candy? Hehe. Appropriate for her hideous hair, kudos to the Hokage for that. But Sasuke-kun doesn't need eye-candy! He has me for goodness' sake! What more can he need? Besides, Sakura will never ever match up to Sasuke's standards. Period. And an exclamation mark. Whatever. In any case, I know for a fact that whatever Sakura can do, Sasuke can do better.
Maybe the other teammate had some sort of super power to make up for Sakura's uselessness?
That must be it. "Well... who's the other teammate then?"
I watched as panic washed over Haruki's features. He licked his lips, avoiding eye-contact.
Dread pooled in the base of my stomach. "S-See... that's where things get a bit more uh..." Haruki gulped. "... Difficult."
"Difficult?"
"Y-Yeah, kinda. Wait. Give me a second. I just remembered something." Haruki fumbled for something in his pocket. He brightened up as he handed a paper bag over to me.
I stared at it. "What do I need this for?"
"... This regulates your breathing."
Seriously? I shot him an annoyed look. "Haruki."
"You just hold it up like this, and breathe in - "
"Haruki."
"And out. Simple, right? Let me do a quick replay - "
"Haruki for the love of - I need to know, who's the other teammate?"
To my surprise, Haruki sighed, sounding... resigned? Oh no. That wasn't a very Haruki thing to do. The last word you'd use to describe Haruki was resigned. I mean, even if you ignore him whenever he's talking to you, he won't stop. God knows how hard I tried. No, he'll probably pretend that you are interested in conversation and go on and on about the three leaf clover he saw near the stream. So yeah, not good. Panicked, I tried to imagine the worst case scenario. Uh, what was the worst case scenario? Ino? Was she the worst case scenario? Or was it the blonde blue-eyed asshole who had the gall to take away Sasuke-kun's virgin lips and simultaneously thinks he can get away unscathed -
I'm probably not that unlucky. And coincidences like that don't happen very often. And if they happen, well... novels tell me that the girl always gets the guy in the end, right? Right. Whoo. Okay. I feel good. I'm prepared. I can do this. My teammate looked at me square in the face and said firmly, "The other teammate's name is Naruto Uzumaki."
My eyebrows drew together in confusion. Huh. So it's not Ino then.
"Naruto Uzumaki..." Takahiro said. "He... he's the one who kissed Sasuke."
I stared at them dumbly. Naruto Uzumaki? Naruto Uzumaki… Naruto Uzumaki… Naruto Uzumaki… Naruto Uzumaki… Huh. Blonde blue-eyed asshole... Naruto Uzumaki? Naruto Uzumaki... on Sasuke-kun's team?
Something crashed and burned and though a voice told me I told you so, love is a fickle mistress, I shrieked. "WHAT?!"