As we return to our heroes back on Scarif, Garfield finishes up his secret conversation with important person man (or woman) of the Rebellion for help. Garfield and Jon stare at the behemoth size of the deadly space station upon them. Jon stares at the sky with deep wimpy emotion of more sad as there isn't any hope left to overcome this situation.
The two sex icons and Jon watch as the Death Star activates its powerful weapon with multiple streaks of bright green, unifying at the center of its dented thunder bowl. The brightful blue sky ascends to an ominous yet powerful shade of bright green spelling doom for all those in its wake.
Jon points to the sky in horror, "Garfield! That planet killer is gonna kill the planet!"
"Not by the hair of my chinn-y chin chin, Jon." Said Garfield in determination of masculine nursery rhymes.
"What are we going to do then?" John said with question.
"Whatever you need Garfield."
"I'm right here for you to aid you in this perilous time!"
"I swear to you that I am here for the safety of you, me and all those that have fallen before us to make sure victory is upon us!"
"Shut your virgin-ous mouth, Jon." Garfield finally said to quiet the white man named Jon Arbuckle, "I was going to say I don't know."
"...You're kidding right?" Jon asked with confusing confuddlement
"It's true, I knew I would get this far but I never thought the Empire would risk this much for a drawing." Garfield plomps his thicc meaty glutes on the catwalk and stares down in shame.
Jon quickly turns away with feminine tears and mascara streaming down his face like Jon after first date. He quickly tries to come to terms with their new-found fate. Until an idea spurts into his mind, giving him the warm comfort he desperately craved for. "I know what we can do, Garfield."
Garfield looks back up to Jon, "Is it an idea that was described like sex?"
"What?! W-well maybe," Jon said like sexuality questioning, "I want you to throw me."
Garfield pauses as his eyes affirmed fixed on Jon like truth detector tester. The bulky man meat that is Garfield stands up and smirks.
"I knew you would see it my way." Jon said with acceptance as he turns around and crouches into a ball like droideka with carpal tunnel.
Garfield picks up Ball-Jon and spins around like the deadliest single tornado in US history, The Tri-State Tornado of March 18, 1925 and shot puts Jon directly towards the massive Planet Gatter. "Good luck you virgin." Garfield said with wily musings akin to the great philosopher Mark Twain, "This was exactly my plan to make you have this plan." Garfield chortles likewise elder as he picks up the plans and jumps off the tower.
Jon makes precisely 80 million side flips in the sky until he reaches the brink of the atmosphere, coming face to face with the round-like machine of the Death Star. It unleashes a powerful laser that is more powerful than your average powerful laser onto the tiny human. Jon feels his skin and clothing burn off his body like sizzling bacon on a Tuesday. The sheer force of the laser attempts to push Jon to the ground. However, Jon stays in the air, holding the might of the deadly laser between his new-found power hungry, muscled breasts.
Garfield falls down the large communication tower and smoothly lands his boots into Jyn Erso's cremated body as it's now a fine dust to his highly scented nose.
Garfield sniffed the air once to belittle his defeated foe, "Smells like someone burnt the Turducken."
As Garfield scans the horizon, he notices that a beach covered with sand and palm trees were now tainted with mountains of dead stormtroopers and destroyed Imperial war machines. Garfield started to examine the works of an artist who formed stacks of bodies and vehicles into neat corridors for him to easily get to his ship. Just as Garfield continued walking casually, the light of the sun beamed down from the green shattered clouds, only to reveal Kenny's blackened corpse. He seemed to be at peace with himself as he was lying down with his eyes closed along with a pleasured smile on his face. The only thing that wasn't smolded by any blaster fire were his favorite pair of worn out winter boots. His hands stuck inside them like a few things Garfield did on Yavin 4 with the female leaders.
Garfield shakes his head in a way the noble samurai would greet a fallen Spartan on a battlefield of other cultures that value war as an honorable practice. "I will commit the most vengeful vengeance for all my fallen compatriots." Says Garfield roaring to his fallen action hero friends like sad war movie. He finally arrives to the Lasagna Falcon, seeing that it's still in its beautiful physique. A little paw raises in the air as Nermal whimpers for Garfield's help.
"Garfield…...I'm still here." Nermal coughs bloodied words in his constipated voice of dying.
Garfield passes by Nermal, still making struggled gasps for oxygen in his fluid filling lungs, forgetting his presence was even known at the start of battle. He too precisely makes 80 million side flips to his seat and flies the ship into orbit. Nermal watches the Lasagna Falcon go away from his sights. "G…..Garfield? Well...okay I guess I'll see you later, bud." Nermal's voice fades as the blood loss becomes too great from his weak inferior little body.
Jon sees Garfield taking off to space. He takes a deep smile and breath, knowing his deed today will be not forgotten about 34 years from now, and releases a mighty battle cry that even Garfield can hear.
The words echoed throughout the span of the galaxy.
The last moment Garfield sees is the blast of the Death Star pushing down Jon into the planet. He witnesses the erosion of the surface with clumps of asteroids wandering the vastness of space. Charlie Puth [No Rap Version] plays into the background of the Lasagna Falcon as Garfield holds his gay feminine emotions together, because it is for gay people and he's not one of them.
Just a minute earlier, The Imperial officer whose duty was to guard the gate of the planet, ponders about how successful he is at his job. His entire body shakes and looks through a window to see the sphere of the planet's surface exploding second by second. His mind grows panic. Heavy anxiety kicks in his mind like a horse's hind legs into his brain. He realizes he will die. His final thoughts come to him before his moment of death.
"Wait a minute...this isn't the Chinese food store! MOTHERFU-"
Garfield casually crashes the Lasagna Falcon in the hangar of the Profundity frigate. He levitates out of the cockpit like Criss Angel Mindfreak magician and steps his feet onto the tile floor of a ladies' restroom. Several women inside are all simultaneously clapping and cheering in their stalls as Garfield walks to the connecting corridors of the frigate. He casually walks down the hallway with one mission in his mind as rebel soldiers run passed him in panic. "Why are you running you cowards." Says Garfield with cockiness. The connecting corridors soon divide by a sliding door as a few rebel soldiers and the god bod cat are locked behind it. The troopers desperately use all their inferior might to open the door at once to escape. "What children. Let a man with testosterone show you how it's done." Garfield says in his justified arrogant coolness.
Garfield senses somebody's presence behind him, a presence that overboils with angst in a microwave burnt bag. A sudden ignition of a red lightsaber illuminates the corridor. The Rebel soldiers know who this person is and shit their pants in unison. Garfield defiantly confronts the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader with his superior badassery. He looks up and down his black outfit, teaming with complex gadgets and nods approvingly. "Not bad for an old man dressing you, Sky Guy…. Or should I say Ana-"
"Garfield!" Darth Vader calls out in a serious tone that would intimidate lowly rebel soldiers but not Garfield. Vader comes a bit closer to him and whispers, "Listen man, this is a pretty good gig for me ever since my wife died. So, can you please do me a favor and not ruin this for me? I know we were friends in the Clone Wars but I'm trying to rebrand myself now to cover up some cringey shit in the past. So, I'll tell you what, Garfield. I'll let you go because you were the best man at my wedding on Naboo. But I am gonna needs those plans from you."
"Believe me, I'd do it if I could. But, I made a bet with a girl I killed just so I wouldn't see her naked." Said Garfield in explaining the goal for this story.
"I understand Garfield. Just let me murder these pathetic excuses for men and I'll let you go." Vader says in a little too much excitement only Garfield can hear.
"Sounds good to me." Garfield says with agreement as Darth Vader pushes the door open with his force powers, only enough to let Garfield's large burly body enter.
Garfield walks past the dumbfounded rebel troopers and lets Vader lock the blast door behind him, leaving them to be slaughtered in spectacular fan-gasm fashion.
Garfield busts into the bridge of the Tantive IV, smacking a woman in a long white dress on the ass with the Death Star plans. "Buenos rancheros, Princess. " Garfield woos with strong yet easily aroused Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.
"Ooo! Garfield!" cries Princess Leia in insta-wet estrogen. "I didn't hear you come in."
Garfield immediately picks her up in his strong arms, carrying her over to her quarters. "I know, bitch. I'm Garfield. Did someone order some Death Star plans with a side of orange hunk?"
"Mmm you know I love Chinese food, Garfield." Leia winks at Garfield with seductive sauce "You have helped us all and completely embarrassed that skank Jyn Erso. There is no proper thanks to give you that could measure the Rebellion's appreciation except for my body." Leia says in female arousal.
"Sure thing, cinnamon buns… now let's get to frosting."