3A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOVA! ... seven days later. But better late than never, right? RIGHT?
Behold, my incredibly cheap gift!
They were both incredibly damaged, he knew.
But it was over. He had saved her. He had become a hero.
It wasn't the kind of hero he was supposed to be.
Nor was it the hero he might have wanted him to be.
He was her hero and the euphoria that overwhelmed him at the thought was worth a thousand times the pain he had gone through. He had lost a tightly held dream, but in her he had found another.
He knew it was wrong. How many lives had been lost for her sake? Thousands? More?
The small smile of a white-haired princess saving the knight, determined to not let him fall for anyone's sake, freely giving up her happily ever after for him. It is the older sibling's duty to protect the younger one. So as the big sister, I will protect you, my silly little brother.
The cold, golden eyes on a pale white face, begging in their own way for his blade to end this pitiful existence, devoid of what made her the girl, no, the King, he had come to depend on.
Were their lives worth it? The bitterness that was left behind that he would have to live with for the rest of his life? The dream of a hero that would create a happy world where no one would have to get hurt, now farther from his grasp than ever before. So many lives, so many wishes, so many dreams stamped out forever, all because of a single selfish wish.
Was it worth it?
He felt his eyes fill to the brim with tears, but he knew he had lost the right to let them fall the moment he had answered that question the only way he could. Those who survived had a duty to live on, carrying the hopes of those who had fallen, otherwise their deaths were for naught. And he had so much blood on his hands, from people he never wanted to hurt. People that had deserved better but he had chosen to crush them on his quest to save one single girl.
A girl whose smile was always the brightest, even when she suffered the most.
A girl who had, even in her darkest moment, given him a reason to go on. His mind crumbling, his body crumbling, his entire world coming down and yet he could never allow himself to let her crumble.
And so, in the end, he had done everything he thought he never would.
He had fought for her.
Died for her.
Killed for her.
Lost for her.
Was it worth it?
He hated himself for asking this question, even after everything was over. He was the only person who had survived death itself, who was given the only miracle all this blood and fighting had bought and yet he was still not free of it.
He had a feeling he would never be and his chest tightened at the thought. He suddenly felt incredibly cold and when reaching out beside him only earned him the discovery of a missing body, he sighed and rose.
A quick search around the room later, he managed to locate his pants and socks. He put them on mechanically and left the room, finding the dark space incredibly cold. His footsteps led him to the kitchen and it took him a moment to notice the figure sitting at the head of the table, sipping something from a mug.
"You're up Sakura?"
The purple-haired girl was startled back to reality and turned to look at him with a guilty expression.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Not at all, I just woke up on my own. You weren't there so…" he shrugged.
"Aha! So I did make you get off the bed!"
"No, that's not it at all I tell you!"
"Then what was it?" she frowned at him. "You aren't sleeping well at all!"
"Well, that may be because you are incredibly demanding when we-"
"Finish that sentence senpai and you will no longer have to worry about sleep."
"Ahaha…"
That side of her, that was a new thing- another thing that he would have never had a chance to know had he chosen to walk down the path of a hero. A hero wouldn't have let her kill, a hero wouldn't have let her endanger everyone, a hero wouldn't have let her live…
"You are thinking awfully hard about something."
Snapped back to the present, he smiled. "It's nothing. What are you drinking?"
"Just some tea. I made some toast as well, but I didn't feel like eating."
"Then, if you don't mind, I'll have some."
"It's cold."
"It's fine."
Pouring himself a mug of the still-hot tea, he bit into the toast. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, her staring into her own drink, him trying to clear his head of faces and events and doubts that he thought he had done away with a long time ago.
Was it worth it?
The answer to that always was a "yes", so why did it leave such a bitter taste in his mouth? He had never doubted his actions because they had given her hope, they had given her a new, happy life and her smile was now always genuine and free of any pain… so why would he sometimes look at her and weigh that smile against one, two, a thousand others and a small voice in the back of his head would whisper that maybe, just maybe, one person hadn't been worth so many people.
People he had come to care for and people he knew nothing about, but who undoubtedly had their own loved ones. Their own special person they would tear the gods down for.
Why was his special person worth more than theirs?
"We should go to bed. Nee-san will be mad if we are late to see her off tomorrow morning you know."
"She will probably be late anyway though." he commented dryly, shoving the last bite of toast into his mouth. "Tohsaka can't handle a morning to save her life."
Sakura chuckled. "Don't let her hear you say that."
"Yeah, that would probably end badly…" he mused as his body instinctively went numb at the mere insinuation of facing down a mad Tohsaka before she was even fully awake. Somehow, sleepy and disoriented made the brunette even more of a landmine than her usual self, which was always an unbelievably disturbing prospect.
"Say, Shirou?"
"Hm?"
"Will you tell me now what you were thinking about?"
"I told you, it was nothing. Just, you know, about school and stuff and Tohsaka leaving for who knows how long…" he mumbled, internally taken aback. Sakura usually didn't poke at him for such things and the sad look she was giving him now made him feel incredibly guilty.
"If you don't want to talk, just say so. We don't have to. We could just sit here and drink tea and eat toast, but…" she gently placed her hand on top of his, "it will probably not go away like that… you know?"
He felt his eyes widen and for a minute he stood there completely frozen; she tried to smile at him, but instead it was sad and it felt forced and after everything he had been through for her it just felt wrong for him to be the one to make her sad. "I-"
"It's fine Shirou. I want to know. I need to know." she insisted, looking into his eyes with a determined expression. "It's not like I don't think about it too." she said in a low voice.
He stared at her dumbly, as guilty realization slowly dawned on him.
Of course she knew. Of course she thought about it. Of course she could never not think about it.
After all, she was at the heart of it.
She bared little blame for what had been done to her, but she wasn't entirely free of it. He knew. She knew it too, far more than he ever could. Sakura wasn't Sakura, but there was always a little of her by the end of it in everything and someone like her, how could he not see it?
"Sakura, I-"
I'm sorry.
He had never even thought to ask her about how she felt. He hadn't even thought about it. He had been completely consumed in his own, personal guilt that he had never spared her a thought.
All this time she had been mourning alone.
"I didn't mean to- I didn't think that-"
"Don't feel bad." she whispered. "That's what I wanted to say. Don't feel bad about the War. Don't feel bad about those who died. Senpai did everything he did because of me. Because he wanted to save me. So please," she brought her hand to his cheek and beamed at him as he stared at her horrified, "don't worry. Don't blame yourself about things that weren't your fault, okay? It'd make me sad if you did."
It'd make me sad if you did.
"You stupid idiot."
"Eh?"
Without missing a beat, he pulled her close to his chest, the position uncomfortable for both of them, but she was too shell-shocked to do anything.
All this time, she had mourned alone because he had been so incredibly blind. She had carried her guilt and his, all alone, just because he had been too busy wallowing in his self-pity to notice how far gone she had been. He had been satisfied thinking that he had created a corner of happiness for her and that was all he needed to do, as if not speaking of the Holy Grail War would somehow make it not happen. As if it would make her forget everything she had been through, everything she had done and everything that had been done to her.
Her guilt was breaking her down right in front of him and he hadn't even noticed.
Lowering his head, he covered her lips in a chaste kiss.
"You are such an idiot Sakura." he mumbled before kissing her again. "What, you think it's you who should do it? It's you that should feel bad about it? Don't make me laugh."
"Wha-"
Before she had any time to speak, he kissed her again. This time, it was far from chaste and when he stopped they were both out of breath.
"I am so sorry." he blurted out when he could speak again. "I didn't mean to leave you alone."
"Shirou…" she whispered, her eyes wet. "You don't have to feel bad about this, I told you, it wasn't your fault-"
"Was it yours?" he demanded. "Will you assume responsibility for my decisions too? I chose you, you know? It wasn't easy… but I did. And I…" he hesitated for a moment. He could feel his words connecting with something else inside him, giving shape to an entirely new feeling. "I have never truly regretted it."
"You call their names when you sleep. Illya and Saber. You keep apologizing to them over and over… You wouldn't have to lose them if it wasn't for… If I hadn't…"
"Now, now." he beamed down at her. "I never said it was easy. And I won't deny that I miss them, but… they are gone. And they wouldn't want us to spend the lives they have given us like this, would they?"
She stared at him for a moment longer before bursting into laughter. "You sound like someone straight out of a soap opera Shirou!" she explained amidst hysterical laughter. At that he joined her and they found themselves wiping tears away, only of an entirely different kind. Sakura pulled him closer to her and after a bit of shuffling and adjusting him like some sort of pillow, he found himself embracing her from behind as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Some nights are… worse than others." she finally warned.
Don't I know it. "Yeah. It's fine. We can talk about it. Whenever you want."
And as an afterthought: "I don't mind the tea and toast though."
"Dully noted."
He leaned back against the wall, her body feeling warm against his.
Maybe…
"Senpai?"
"Hm?"
"Don't ruin the moment."
Worth a shot. "Sorry."
It didn't take long for them to fall asleep like that.
And a blessedly dreamless sleep it was, too, right until the moment he dreamt of a shoe kicking him in the face with extreme prejudice.
"EMIYA!"
… Fuck.
A/N: My tombstone will probably be reading "She tried." XD
Hope you enjoyed and Happy Late Birthday! :D