Warning: Character death.
Based on the song: Human by Ellie Goulding.
I remember when you created me.
You had been working non-stop for God knows how long. Is it weird to mention God as the only God I met was you? Because that's what you were to me. You created me. I was yours. And I wanted that. I wanted to always be yours. But that couldn't be.
I knew it all along.
Humans are fragile beings. It was going to happen eventually, but why did it have to be so soon?
Maybe God was jealous and He wanted you for himself.
I remember it all, you know? All of these attempt to make me function correctly.
On the first one I couldn't move, I was paralyzed.
On the tenth I couldn't see but I could hear you perfectly. The first thing I could hear was your voice and I loved it. I never told you that, I still wonder how you would have reacted if I had told you.
On the fifty-one... I'm still ashamed of that one. I still couldn't see and I hurt you and I was so sorry of that but I couldn't control myself, the emotions were too intense. You had to turn me off.
On the one hundred and twenty five I could finally see you. A hopeful young man.
You thought that I wasn't working correctly as I didn't move and you were disappointed, I could see how the lights in your eyes were dimming. The truth was that I was mesmerized by you and I didn't know how to react.
I saw you as you took a seat on a nearby chair and hid your face in your hands. I felt your frustration and I wanted to make it go away. Looking down at myself I noticed that I looked like you; two legs, two arms, two hands with five fingers on each hand. I was made in your image.
As I looked at my hands I tried to figure out how to make them react.
As your distress grew I tried harder.
They spasm and finally moved.
I wanted to see, to feel, the hope you had just minutes ago but I didn't know how you would react if I touched you.
Would you accept it? Would you push me away?
Glancing at my legs I tried to lift myself from the chair I was on. My knees were weak.
I'm still not sure if it was because I didn't know how to use them or if it was because I was approaching you. I think it was the later as I still felt that every time I walked next to you.
Approaching you in shaking legs, I slowly reached a hand towards you, fearing that you would push me away. The room was too quiet; if I had a beating heart I think the sound of its beating would've resonated in the walls.
Coming closer I felt you becoming anxious, lost.
What you created didn't seem to work, so much time and effort wasted, time that you could have used in something else, something better, something useful.
And it hurt.
You didn't knew and I never told you, but those feelings hurt and knowing that I was the cause made it worse.
Finally reaching you, I touched your head.
The feeling of your hair against my palm was strange and new, but in fact everything was.
You became still and held your breath, I thought I had scared you but I didn't feel fear, just anticipation. I moved my hands towards your cheeks, the skin was soft and warm, and slowly lifted your face. Brown eyes stared at me and I couldn't help but stare back. I didn't said anything, I felt your hope starting to grow but it was still dim.
Just a small light in deep darkness. I wanted to see how bright it could become.
Gingerly touching your cheeks, I inspected your face, warm brown eyes, large nose, big ears.
You looked perfect to me and I never told you.
You stared at me amazed and I found myself in the same state.
I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out and I tried again, your gaze was making me feel weird, everything was.
And finally, I could talk.
"Hello, what's my name?"
You stared at me unblinking for a moment, trying to make use of your voice.
"Y-your name is... Haru." You said, not looking away from me.
I had a name.
"My name is Haru, your emotional support and companion." I tried, the words becoming easier as time passed.
You nodded avidly and spoke. "Yes."
"What should I call you?"
I wanted to know. I needed to know.
"Tadashi. Just Tadashi."
"Tadashi." I tried, savoring each syllable.
It was perfect.
Weeks passed and then I was human-like.
The previous skin now had a pinkish tone. A mass of long black hair was now on top of my head.
You wanted me to be as human-like as possible.
And you presented me to your friends.
They thought I was human.
It was an accomplishment.
And then you explained. You told them I was an AI.
They were shocked at first and thought that you were joking.
And I told them. I told them that I was created to help others with their emotions. That I felt what they were feeling.
They finally believed you.
You had a visit one day. An unpleasant one.
A man came in the Institute to check on everyone's works to see if there was something worthy to spend on. In other words, if there was something that could give him more money than he already had.
"And what does it do?" He asked, not really interested.
"He is a companion of emotional support. To help with people who are mentally unstable." You spoke, making emphasis on 'he'. You knew it bothered me but you didn't know why. The truth was that it was a reminder of my condition.
I wasn't human, as much as I'd wished to be.
"Ah? A robot that feels other's feelings?" He scoffed and started groping me. "It looks so real. Had you thought about making sex-bots?" He said, grabbing my face and testing the skin on my cheeks. I wanted to push him away. I felt repulsed and dirty.
I felt your anger flaring. "Sir, you really shouldn't-"
"What are you talking about? It's a machine. It doesn't have feelings." At that, I pushed him away as much as I could. I didn't have much strength and he was heavy.
"Of course I have. Right now I have a feeling called anger and disgust." I said simply, smiling innocently. "And I also have the urge to kick you in the balls but that's not a feeling, isn't it?" I added tilting my head a little, looking thoughtfully.
"Haru!" You chided, but I felt your amusement. "Sir, I'm so sorry, I don't know where he learned that." You knew very well where. GoGo wasn't the quietest on her opinions.
He left after that, clearly offended.
"I'm sorry, I should've kept quiet." I was afraid that I had caused problems to you.
You just shook your head. "He made you uncomfortable isn't it?"
"Yes." I said, holding myself, trying to forget the way his hands were over me.
"Yeah, me too. He was weird." You said, shrugging without a worry.
"You're not angry." I spoke, "I ruined any possible deal with them but you're not angry."
"No, I'm not angry. Well maybe a little but at them. I told them and they just rubbed me off." You said frowning. "If they can't see how great you are then it's their loss."
You had so much trust in me. And at that moment I decided that I would do anything for you.
And only you.
One day, you brought a keyboard. You thought that it would be interesting how I would react.
Glancing at it, I was curious. I pressed the keys and the sounds flowed from the keys.
It was refreshing.
You just stared at me, speechless.
It was more than you expected. I wasn't made to create, but to feel.
And the feelings were enough.
Now, I use this same keyboard as a way out from the pain and emptiness I feel.
I was always looking at you when you talked with your friends.
I saw how she looked at you and it made me feel bad.
I wanted you for myself.
But I knew that that couldn't be done. I wasn't human but she was.
And she was perfect for you.
I was jealous but I never told you.
There is a human saying that states: "If you love something let it go".
Was it love what I felt for you or just adoration? You never explained how love felt, how can I know?
Maybe I was just behaving like a child, jealous that they would take you away from me.
After all that's what I was, isn't it? I was slowly learning how to be human.
To feel what you felt.
When I met your brother I didn't know what to expect.
He had been getting into trouble for a while and you thought it would be best if you showed him this place.
And you were right. Your brother had a brilliant mind.
You two had so much in common but so many differences all the same.
I knew he was going to be great one day.
You knew it too.
That day was the worst of my existence.
At first I was confused, I was shocked awake as I felt the emotions around. They were too strong. The strongest I had felt since that day you created me.
If your hope was light then this was a wildfire consuming everything on its path.
I glanced around finding the source of those emotions and saw Hiro, dressed in black, staring at a picture in his hands.
"Hiro. You're distressed." I told him, worried and then glanced around the room, not seeing you anywhere. "Where's Tadashi? He should be there by now." I couldn't feel you.
"He... he is dead." He mumbled.
"Dead...?" I didn't want to believe that. "Is there a way to fix him?" There had to be something, right?
"No. He's dead. He's gone." He said forcefully and turned away from me.
"Gone..." I whispered. "He's gone." I had to get used to the idea of not seeing you anymore. "He's gone."
And then I was in his care along with Baymax, my 'brother'.
It wasn't the same.
A week passed. I was still waiting for you to come back.
I went to see your grave.
"Tadashi... why didn't you take me with you?" I said in front of your grave. "Did I do something wrong?"
"Why did you create me? Was it really to help others?" I questioned, making question after question. "How could I help others if I can't even help myself?" I mumbled, feeling lost.
"I feel... awful, desperate. I feel like crying but that's impossible as you didn't incorporated lacrimal glands. Why create a robot with feelings and not teach it how to control them? I don't understand." I said emotionlessly.
Feeling has become tiresome, painful.
Everything was harder now.
I couldn't see you, I couldn't feel you, Hiro didn't want to talk and kept himself locked in his room.
"I will help Hiro in any way I can because that's what you would've wanted and he needs someone. Even if he doesn't want to admit it."
And then I accepted that you won't be coming back anymore.
As the months passed, I kept coming back to this cold place to talk with you. I knew I was only talking to a stone on the ground but it helped.
I felt that I belonged here, with you.
And now I'm here, after many years of that awful day. It's winter but I don't mind the cold. Hiro would have fussed over me as I didn't have a coat on but he didn't know I was here.
"It looks like it's going to rain." I said distractedly, not caring at all.
I placed fresh flowers after I cleaned your grave as always.
"I did as I promised. Hiro is already a man. I'm sure he is going to make great things and I am sure you are proud of him."
"It still hurts not seeing you around. I'd wish I could cry." I snorted. "A robot that can cry..." I shook my head and continued talking. I didn't like the silence, it was a reminder that you aren't here and I wanted to remain ignorant.
"Some people said that you are in heaven with God and that that place is much better than here..." I trailed off. "Is it wrong to hate God? I felt like He took you from us."
"I miss you and I want to see you. I feel lost ever since... I don't know how to feel anymore." I told your grave.
And then something occurred to me.
"I... I wasn't feeling my own emotions, isn't it? All of these times. I was feeling yours."
"Why?" I understood now. All these times of confusion when I was assaulted with strange feelings.
My feelings were attuned with yours.
What you felt, I felt.
Your confusion, your hope, your happiness...
"You felt love for me." I murmured, amazed.
Something broke then.
I felt something in my face and I lifted a hand to see what it was.
It was a drop. Clear liquid was flowing from my eyes.
I was crying.
It was like a dam and I couldn't stop.
I didn't want it to stop.
"Who would have thought," I said shakily, staring at the tears falling to the ground, "a robot that cries."
"I feel... relief." I whispered closing my eyes. I simply enjoyed the relief washing over me. "Finally."
I belong here.
A group was in front of the café. The tension in the air was too much.
Hiro quickly approached them and asked frantically. "Did anyone found him?"
"No, and we looked everywhere."
"Clearly we didn't!" Hiro exclaimed, tossing his hair in his frustration.
Honey stared at him worriedly. "We looked at the café, the Institute, the library, where else could we look?" She said, naming the places he used to usually frequent.
He exhaled trying to think. "I don't know...maybe," He trailed off and he knew. "the cemetery."
They found him curled next to Tadashi's grave. In his face there were stains of oil that ran down his cheeks as if he was crying. A malfunction, seemingly, at being exposed to the rain and the cold climate.
He laid motionless.
What surprised them was the sweet smile adorning his face.
A smile full of love and adoration. A smile he stopped showing after that day.
The same smile he always had when he looked at Tadashi.